Relationships

[alhn]

I have been seeing a guy for 8 months now. He too is positive. But personally, I have been struggling to understand how what he thinks or how he feels. He was diagnosed + about a year ago and just started medication about 2 months ago. I have been positive since 2006 and its been a year I am on my medication and life has tremendously changed for me - for the better that is. 

But going through this relationship - well, it has been a bit tough. Being a woman and perhaps being sensitive, I felt that he still is very reserved with his feelings and sometimes i felt the distance emotionally and physically. Yes it has been 8 months, but he has never initiated any physical hugs, or holding hands to even start with. I dont know, maybe I am expecting too much too fast?? or is it normal for a guy who is newly going through this to react this way>?

He holds a certain executive status in a multi national company and I can understand his confidentiality to a certain extent. He has frequently asked me out and most of the time only me and him and I have not been introduced to his friends..etc. Is he afraid or still in denial? We do have mutual friends from the support group that we meet though but there are hardly any straight guys who are positive to probably share and support him in that manner. But i know for him to move on, he has to take that step himself.

This is my first relationship after 2 years since I stopped dating after I got infected by my last boyfriend. And I like this current guy alot. I only want to be there to help.

Anyone (women or straight men) who may have gone through the same to advice me? Much appreciated. Thanks

[Joe K]

Hello Alhn and welcome to the forums. 

I wish I had an easy answer for your situation, but when you mix affairs of the heart, with someone who recently tested poz, you face a whole set of challenges.  That said, there are many things you can do that will help you both to move through this difficult time.  Personally, I think he may have started dating too soon, after his poz diagnosis and he has had to balance your relationship and his new status and that would be hard for anyone.

However, you have a solid grasp of some of the major issues that concern you and that will help to guide you as you seek the support that you both need.  The most important thing right now is to keep communication open between you.  Just as you have needs, so does he, but I am guessing that many of those needs are different for each one of you.  As I read your description I can understand your need for physical intimacy, however, I can also understand if he is reluctant right now, because many pozzies go through a period where they feel like damaged goods.  While you are trying to draw him closer, he may be unconsciously pushing back, because he may believe that he is unworthy of the love of another.

May I also suggest that you stop down playing your own needs here, because they are just as real as his needs and the key here is to find some type of balance.  I believe that we each have "male" and "female" characteristics that affect who we are, and there are some things that need to exist to make a relationship work.  You understand what you need and I encourage you to follow your heart.

I am a firm believer in therapy and support and I think you should seek the help of someone.  You need help in convincing your boyfriend that you have valid concerns that must be addressed.  A trained professional can help you both to navigate these issues, without either of you felling "beat up" by the other.  You both need to know what the challenges are, and once you identify them, you can plan your actions accordingly.  It is obvious that you care deeply for him and you have the insight and compassion to realize that he probably needs some more time, and maybe some additional support.

As to his reserved composure, or not introducing you to some of his friends, I think he is still adjusting to his status and he may be unaware of how you feel.  I imagine he is still very confused and maybe, even fearful, because he tested poz and started meds within the first year.  The same thing happened to me, when I tested poz and I cannot imagine myself being in a relationship, at that time.

Essentially, all of this comes down to how much work are you both willing to do, to move through these issues.  What you are both experiencing is perfectly normal.  We are humans and as such, we are very complex beings.  However, we also posses the ability to love unconditionally and that is what I believe will support you while you move forward.  You know what you need and I believe that you can have it all.  It will not be easy, but the rewards are limitless.

Please feel free to talk about anything here, as we are happy to help and once again, welcome to the forums.

[mecch]

caveat:  gay man responding

Hmm its nice you are seeing someone and you each like each other to stay together for 8 months.

You say you are "seeing" him and you seem to want to take it to the physical level. Therefore as a guy i was surprised when you said he doesn't touch you at all.  So maybe its too early for him or maybe he thinks of you as a friend only.  So maybe a gentle discussion between the two of you could bring your unspoken fears and desires to light?  Good luck!

[weasel]

caveat : gay man responding 

          you may be his BEARD ?

          NO psysical contact ?

          sounds like your filling a need , but NOT the one you think .


                                                     best of luck ,

                                                                     karl

[tag_man08]

from another gay viewpoint.....

i can only say...after being positive for a year now....it really look me some time to adjust to the diagnosis...i did feel like damaged goods....my boyfriend (who is negative) went through the whole process with me mentally....he is still negative...i did not want sex for a long time....it just wasn't in me to be sexual because i did not want to do anything to pass on my disease....but we got educated and what i am trying to say is....just be patient and he will come around....its more important for you i think that you have a stable relationship with him even though the physical part is lacking....let him be the initiator....its seems you are more comfortable with the diagnosis than he....so just be patient and enjoy your time together....and learn about each other day after day....remember most guys like to be in charge...so don't take that away from him....he's already lost his selfesteem because of his diagnosis....so remember...don't push him...be patient and be romantic for him when he is ready....do things to let him know you are there....

[alhn]

THank you.
At this point, you all make a lot of sense to me now. I was initially trying to answer my own questions ( i know that won't work !)

Killfoile,
The part you said about "feeling unworthy of love" - i was told the same too by another friend. He ( being a gay) also felt the same thing for sometime.

Mecch
Yes, being a human as he and I am, we all have needs. One part I left out by not telling earlier was, we did have sex twice before. So it is not exactly that he never touched me at all. Just not that "loving" kind of gestures at time when you need e.g a hug, a cuddle, a peck of kiss whenever< if you know what I mean.
Which is why I was confused.

Tagman08
I think I can live with what you have said. By being there and be patient till he is ready. However, I will still try to keep conversations open to learn how he feels or what he thinks sometimes.


I really appreciate all the comments you all posted here for me. I was feeling a bit blue last 2 days having had so many questions through me and on top of that, I wont be seeing him for another 3 weeks since he has left for USA this weekend to attend his sister's wedding.

NOw I feel a whole lot better. Will take it openly when he gets back 

thanks again

[tag_man08]

Be glad that he is traveling and being out in the world again.  For me, I wanted to stay inside and never be around other people for a long time.  I finally got the courage to face other people and live.  I think since he is a straight man....you have to remember he likes to be in charge.  Remember to be there for him, but not to much.  Just kidding.  I can say one thing...if he really loves you....he will be in contact and let you know he is ok.  A guy will never let something special slip away from him.  Be strong...and if you need someone to express your thoughts....just give me a IM. 

Since my diagnosis....(a year now)....I think I'm moving into the next phase.  I went from not wanting to be around other HIV+ people to wanting more friends that are positive and LIVE life to the fullest.  Not sure if I am making sense...but my email is open for you if you need someones ear to listen.  Smile.

[SteveA]

Another gay perspective here, but I know a LOT of straight guys who just aren't into the huggy hand holding kind of intimacy. You should at least discuss it with him and ask him how he feels about it though.

[alhn]

Thanks SteveA
I wish straights can be as expressive as you all.. don't they know that those affections will please most women?

Nevertheless, you're right, I'll have to make time to find out how he feels.