A free year with lots of Red Crosses

[Blue_Lace]

Hi,

I am 22 year old gay boy from Eastern Europe.
So just like the category title suggests, I tested positive.
I think it was a month ago.

I've been having problems with health since last year.
First there were very itchy rashes that got me into a hospital for a month.They had to give me 5 tranquilizers(?) for me to be able to sleep the first night while also worrying about the dosage.
Then after several months, I started having problems with my tonsils and throat overall.
Got into the hospital 2 times, one was for blood constantly filling up my mouth and my nose and the other was to remove my tonsils.
They couldn't remove my tonsils tho..they found out I had some sort of virus (transmitted through a kiss, they calmed me down that 9 out of 10 people have it and I only got the effects of it because of my weak immune system(mononucleosis) and they were afraid that something worse is gonna happen  if they remove my tonsils without the virus being treated (I had active 2 viruses at that point (cant remember the other one) and a treated one..from the time frame that it all begun)).
So they sent me out to other doctors who specialize in the lymph system.
They thought I had some sort of cancer and they wanted me to get a biopsy.
But me and my mom got scared and were mad at them for making me take more pills (since I had been taking so many pills that my system was kinda destroyed at that point) and we just ignored them (which we later found out that was a bad thing to do.. but the doctor didn't really say it in a calm matter and we didnt really understand anything so we were kinda overwhelmed by that point).

I started going to these Salt Rooms and my lymph nodes started going down..I thought it's finally over but then they stopped and then started enlarging again.
We went back to the doctor and they said that that was a common thing with that virus..
Finally we gave in and I had a biopsy, I didn't have cancer, but we still didn't know what was causing all this.
So..there is this organization in my country, SingleStep
(It's to help the LGBTQ organization) they were offering free oral tests for HIV.
I got one and it actually came positive..I kinda didn't believe it because no way this will happen to me..but then I took a blood test and it came out positive again.
I normally don't show my emotions and I don't feel it coming if I am about to start to cry..I just blow out..and it was one of the hardest moments in calling my mom and telling her the results while holding back tears..I could feel her crying after we hung up.
I am glad I wasn't there when my father got wind of it.
I guess I am glad that they were accepting of me being who I am because I don't know what would've happen if they weren't..And it's a very conservative country after all..
They assured me that everything is gonna be alright.

We went to the doctor who specializes in those stuff, got into a treatment program and they explained to me some stuff.
I am most bummed out that I am not gonna be able to drink alcohol as much as I want or smoke whenever I want (not that I do those things often (probably once in a month) but I want to have the freedom to do it).
My biggest fear now is forgetting to take my pill (which I freaked out on several occasions) but I haven't missed taking any of them..all 1 month and a half of them.
Also..I had so many blood tests taken from me every time I went to the hospital yet no one decided to do one for sexual diseases..like..I even heard some of them saying that they were gonna test me for that but then they cancelled it.
I had to find out myself..but I am wondering..what if I didn't have HIV when they tested me? Could it been a contamination from badly handled needles?Because I was in hospitals almost the whole year..

My other problem is..who got me infected in the first place?
I've been with people after my rash hospitalization but they don't have the virus so that means I contracted it further in my medical problem history.
I've been thinking that it was the last guy I was with because I haven't been able to feel a sex drive after that and I heard that that is one of the effects of this.
The bad thing is..I tried messaging him but he was acting rude and he blocked me everywhere we had contact in.
I tried contacting him several times but he keeps shunning me.

Never expected this to happen to me really..
I don't even feel angry at him anymore..but I will plaster his face on the gay apps we found eachother on and will warn everyone on there.
Since he attacked me when I told him to get tested.
I wasn't even mean..and he still acted this way.Disappointed.

Overall..I don't think it really hit me what has happened..It's ironic because I feel happy for the first time in 2-3 years yet I have this virus.
I got this big break from work and experienced fun and new things in my life again.
So yea..this is my story..sorry if u didn't understand some stuff, English is not my first language.
Sorry if it was long or inappropriate or too much info..

[Jim Allen]

Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear about the dignoisis.

My other problem is..who got me infected in the first place?
I've been with people after my rash hospitalization but they don't have the virus so that means I contracted it further in my medical problem history.
I've been thinking that it was the last guy I was with because I haven't been able to feel a sex drive after that and I heard that that is one of the effects of this.
The bad thing is..I tried messaging him but he was acting rude and he blocked me everywhere we had contact in.
I tried contacting him several times but he keeps shunning me.

My sex drive is like a horny rabbit on vigra, at a wet bunny festival

My point being sure testosterone can be lower after a few years of living with HIV but I somehow doubt that's the case. Sounds more like you have been sick and a mental block more than anything else.

Wondering who you aquired HIV from is rather irrelevant.
Look sounds like you were sexually active and exposed. It happens and now the focus is on treatment and living a normal long healthy life.

Im glad to hear you are on treatment thought.
How are you feeling now and what treatment are you on?

Have a drink if you want just don't wash down your meds with gallons of booze every day so moderation and smoking is bad anyway for everyone regardless of HIV status so don't smoke 

Anyhow I would type more but just leaving work and on a mobile phone, chat later 

Jim

They assured me that everything is gonna be alright.

Yup, so far best advice you have been given.
You will be grand

[Blue_Lace]

Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear about the dignoisis.

My sex drive is like a horny rabbit on vigra, at a wet bunny festival

My point being sure testosterone can be lower after a few years of living with HIV but I somehow doubt that's the case. Sounds more like you have been sick and a mental block more than anything else.

Yea but I haven't been out of sex drive while sick before that..so it was kinda odd to me..Like I understand a week or two but it went on for at least 3 months without Any desire for sexual stuff.
Just when I started taking my pills, I started getting my sex drive back lol.

Wondering who you aquired HIV from is rather irrelevant.
Look sounds like you were sexually active and exposed. It happens and now the focus is on treatment and living a normal long healthy life.

I think it is relevant.
There are many bad people in this world and I want to show them what they are doing to other.I prefer to expose him rather someone else getting it.
I've already tried giving him a chance to talk to me, several times.

Im glad to hear you are on treatment thought.
How are you feeling now and what treatment are you on?

Have a drink if you want just don't wash down your meds with gallons of booze every day so moderation and smoking is bad anyway for everyone regardless of HIV status so don't smoke 

Well I am taking Triumeq
Everything is fine I think
Still not sure if that's deemed PreP?
Also not sure how much time needs to pass till I can't give the virus to others and to not get detected..or do I have to start getting several pills?

Anyways I want to be able to get drunk till almost puking (I know that's strange but that's my country for ya)..and yea..they told me that I can still smoke whenever but just not as many times because it will affect my heart and I know that taking the pills, has a bad effect on the heart..
But I am still worried that they were very serious about those two..like I know they aren't good when u do them every day or do them very commonly but I get the feeling that I can't do them at all or something..
I am reading some of your comments on that matter now tho ( https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=69861.msg )

Thanks Jim for chatting with me   

[Jim Allen]

 

Yea but I haven't been out of sex drive while sick before that..so it was kinda odd to me..Like I understand a week or two but it went on for at least 3 months without Any desire for sexual stuff.
Just when I started taking my pills, I started getting my sex drive back lol.

Co-incidence happens more frequent than people like to accept, I would stop thinking this was due to anything HIV related unless you have something to show it. Either-way its past now and I do suspect though it will no be the last time in your life that you have a few months of lower sex-drive.

Well I am taking Triumeq
Everything is fine I think
Still not sure if that's deemed PreP?
Also not sure how much time needs to pass till I can't give the virus to others and to not get detected..or do I have to start getting several pills?

Hmm okay. Its not "PrEP" its "TaSP" (Treatment as prevention). Once you have an undetectable viral load for 6 months+ and continue to remain adherent to your treatment, you sexually can no longer pass on the virus.  https://www.preventionaccess.org/consensus

How is your Viral Load looking?
I'm presuming you have only had an initial result, when will you next have an appointment ?

I am reading some of your comments on that matter now tho ( https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=69861.msg )

I'm an alcoholic,  so don't take my comment towards others on the subject of drink to heart. Ex-drinkers are the worst 

Anyways I want to be able to get drunk till almost puking (I know that's strange but that's my country for ya)..and yea..they told me that I can still smoke whenever but just not as many times because it will affect my heart and I know that taking the pills, has a bad effect on the heart..

Okay, well drink to you puke at a party, its not great for the health regardless of HIV status, that said HIV is not going to suddenly jump up and kill you over the odd wild party session from time to time, neither is your meds and i've personally not seen anything to indicate it will. You're 22 years old and I suspect there is no need to live like a monk.

The smoking I firmly disagree with and even some smoking is simply really, really bad and underestimated.

Its been a while since I heard the heart issue being raised though. We've had a few threads on it in 2016. This concern is because of the "abacavir" in the medication you are taking, ill be honest, on the heart thing the only answer I can really give you is if you look around you will find a few studies that have pointed towards abacavir as an increased risk however newer studies found simply found no or negligible risk without preexisting issues. 

All in all my own personal take on it is I don't have a preexisting heart condition, so increasing a tiny risk to what is still a tiny risk is not worth me stressing about. Also you will not be taking this medication for the next 50 years, and you are also closely monitored for any indicators of anything heading in the wrong direction.

https://www.poz.com/article/hiv-abacavir-heart-17023-5792
https://www.poz.com/article/hiv-abacavir-heart-20134-4073
https://www.poz.com/drug/triumeq
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=67755.msg
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=67755.msg

https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/hiv-heart
https://www.drugs.com/sfx/abacavir-side-effects.html

https://www.google.ie/search?q=poz.com+abacavir+heart&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=f5bnV774BeuPgAayi7qADQ

I think it is relevant.
There are many bad people in this world and I want to show them what they are doing to other.I prefer to expose him rather someone else getting it.
I've already tried giving him a chance to talk to me, several times.

Look contact tracing is good & nobel in the sense that people can be informed they need to test so they can get treatment. That said even if you tracked down your recent and past partners and informed them, you still might not find out who you acquired HIV from and in terms of your treatment and focus on the future it really should be irrelevant. You're here now.

"Bad" people & acquiring HIV, well aside the very traumatic yet overall minor or highly rare cases of deliberate transmission acts when speaking about HIV overall so rape etc, the simply fact is the vast majority of adults acquiring HIV simply do so through voluntary routes. i.e consensual sex. In short with sex comes risks, that's life, it does not make anyone bad in my view.

Thanks Jim for chatting with me

You're welcome and i am sure others will also chime in.

Take it easy

Jim

[fabio]

Hello Blue,I'm sorry for your diagnosis. The good news though is that you know you have it and you have further support from your mother. Furthermore I'm very glad you are happy and I hope all the tonsil swelling and stuff has gone by now.
I was in a kinda similar position as well,but had a huge mass on my colon so I had to remove it,and I also told my parents,and at the time i was also 22. Its hard to swallow but i am certain things will get better for you and your family.
There are people who don't really care to test and put themselves and others at risk of infection. And there are those who know and do nothing about it. What matters now is that you take care of yourself from now on (take your meds as prescribed by your doc,eat relatively healthy,cut smoking,drink as less alcohol as possible,sleep normally and exercise ).
What kind of medication did you start? Do you have any concerns or side effects that trouble you? I would appreciate that you post and tell how you are feeling or having anything troubling you. I am sure it will help. You can also talk to your mother about it,so that you both get more comfortable talking about this stuff. Also you can contact your local lgbt centre near your area.
Anyways,I think I talk too much haha. Again I would like to hear any concerns you have about your meds or life. Take care,fabio 😁

[Blue_Lace]

Co-incidence happens more frequent than people like to accept, I would stop thinking this was due to anything HIV related unless you have something to show it. Either-way its past now and I do suspect though it will no be the last time in your life that you have a few months of lower sex-drive.

I don't know..because I've always had a sex drive.
It gets higher for a short amount of time..per several months..but it's always there,
And it just disappeared altogether..maybe it was the pills tbh..

Hmm okay. Its not "PrEP" its "TaSP" (Treatment as prevention). Once you have an undetectable viral load for 6 months+ and continue to remain adherent to your treatment, you sexually can no longer pass on the virus.  https://www.preventionaccess.org/consensus

How is your Viral Load looking?
I'm presuming you have only had an initial result, when will you next have an appointment ?

Oh okay, thanks.
So PreP is used by people with HIV negative?
Anyways I dont know..I know I had to get 2 tests from different laboratories and present the documents to the doctor that was specializing in HIV so they could begin my treatment...
I know I have to get my blood tested in January so they know if everything is going well with the treatment? They havent said anything else..
Gosh I don't know so many things, kinda embarrassed..

I'm an alcoholic,  so don't take my comment towards others on the subject of drink to heart. Ex-drinkers are the worst 

Okay, well drink to you puke at a party, its not great for the health regardless of HIV status, that said HIV is not going to suddenly jump up and kill you over the odd wild party session from time to time, neither is your meds and i've personally not seen anything to indicate it will. You're 22 years old and I suspect there is no need to live like a monk.

The smoking I firmly disagree with and even some smoking is simply really, really bad and underestimated.

Oh no, I know the risks of drinking, but I drink very rarely so I don't think I will get affected at all.
But I know that drinking the day u take a pill, it counts as like..u haven't taken the pill at all..I mean that the alcohol kills the pill's effect..right?

Mmm I know it's bad..but will it affect me like it would've affect me if I didn't have HIV?

Overall..I am asking if it's worse to smoke or drink when u are with HIV.
Will it affect the pills I am taking too?

Its been a while since I heard the heart issue being raised though. We've had a few threads on it in 2016. This concern is because of the "abacavir" in the medication you are taking, ill be honest, on the heart thing the only answer I can really give you is if you look around you will find a few studies that have pointed towards abacavir as an increased risk however newer studies found simply found no or negligible risk without preexisting issues. 

All in all my own personal take on it is I don't have a preexisting heart condition, so increasing a tiny risk to what is still a tiny risk is not worth me stressing about. Also you will not be taking this medication for the next 50 years, and you are also closely monitored for any indicators of anything heading in the wrong direction.

https://www.poz.com/article/hiv-abacavir-heart-17023-5792
https://www.poz.com/article/hiv-abacavir-heart-20134-4073
https://www.poz.com/drug/triumeq
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=67755.msg
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=67755.msg

https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/hiv-heart
https://www.drugs.com/sfx/abacavir-side-effects.html

https://www.google.ie/search?q=poz.com+abacavir+heart&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=f5bnV774BeuPgAayi7qADQ

U go Jim!
Anyways my doctor told me that it can affect my heart, that's why I thought that way...but yea, she also said that I wont be taking the same pills so I shouldnt worry too much..she said that it can affect me after 10 years.

Look contact tracing is good & nobel in the sense that people can be informed they need to test so they can get treatment. That said even if you tracked down your recent and past partners and informed them, you still might not find out who you acquired HIV from and in terms of your treatment and focus on the future it really should be irrelevant. You're here now.

"Bad" people & acquiring HIV, well aside the very traumatic yet overall minor or highly rare cases of deliberate transmission acts when speaking about HIV overall so rape etc, the simply fact is the vast majority of adults acquiring HIV simply do so through voluntary routes. i.e consensual sex. In short with sex comes risks, that's life, it does not make anyone bad in my view.

preventing other people of getting it isn't?
I get that it may have not been deliberate but at least he should have had some respect instead of attacking and outright blocking me.Being kinder?
I wasn't even mad and he freaked out.
But yea..I guess this is life and we learn, he will learn too.

anyways thanks again and sorry if I'm being annoying  (8

Hello Blue,I'm sorry for your diagnosis. The good news though is that you know you have it and you have further support from your mother. Furthermore I'm very glad you are happy and I hope all the tonsil swelling and stuff has gone by now.
I was in a kinda similar position as well,but had a huge mass on my colon so I had to remove it,and I also told my parents,and at the time i was also 22. Its hard to swallow but i am certain things will get better for you and your family.
There are people who don't really care to test and put themselves and others at risk of infection. And there are those who know and do nothing about it. What matters now is that you take care of yourself from now on (take your meds as prescribed by your doc,eat relatively healthy,cut smoking,drink as less alcohol as possible,sleep normally and exercise ).
What kind of medication did you start? Do you have any concerns or side effects that trouble you? I would appreciate that you post and tell how you are feeling or having anything troubling you. I am sure it will help. You can also talk to your mother about it,so that you both get more comfortable talking about this stuff. Also you can contact your local lgbt centre near your area.
Anyways,I think I talk too much haha. Again I would like to hear any concerns you have about your meds or life. Take care,fabio 😁

Hi!
Haha no it isn't gone...it just started up again actually.
It was gone for several months (when my lymph nodes became enlarged) and when I started taking my meds, the nodes started going down but my tonsils are starting to create problems again.
They will probably get removed when Winter ends tho.

Ha yea..I bet it does..I don't think I realized what has happened yet.
But hearing that people like yourself, overcame it, is making me calmer for the community.

I started Triumeq.
I havent had problems really..my stomach ached at first but that was because we thought I should take it on an empty stomach which the Doc advised to take after meal.
I don't really want to bother my mum about it (that's why I found this forum tbh!)
She is kinda uncomfortable talking about my sexuality too plus I have to learn to take care of myself so yea..

I was wondering if I should contact a center but they want me to call and I am too much of an introvert and prefer typing..

U don't talk too much fabio!   

[Jim Allen]

So PreP is used by people with HIV negative?

Yeah, PrEP is an HIV prevention tool in which an HIV-negative person takes antiretroviral medication to reduce the risk of contracting HIV.

Anyways I dont know..I know I had to get 2 tests from different laboratories and present the documents to the doctor that was specializing in HIV so they could begin my treatment...
I know I have to get my blood tested in January so they know if everything is going well with the treatment? They havent said anything else..
Gosh I don't know so many things, kinda embarrassed..

Okay well it not an issue but do ask them in Jan. The key of HIV treatment is that it is suppressing the virus. This is measured by "Viral Load" and hence they will measure this on check-ups

But I know that drinking the day u take a pill, it counts as like..u haven't taken the pill at all..I mean that the alcohol kills the pill's effect..right?

No it would not change how the medication works ... The risk/problem with drinkers is when get too drunk and start forgetting to take it their medication or depending on type taking it incorrectly.

Overall..I am asking if it's worse to smoke or drink when u are with HIV.
Will it affect the pills I am taking too?

It will not affect the pills you are taking.

Problem is smoking is bad, its very bad it seems for people living with HIV. 

https://www.poz.com/article/people-hiv-tend-realize-much-smoking-shortens-life-span

https://www.poz.com/article/1-4-smokers-successful-hiv-treatment-projected-die-lung-cancer Those who adhere well to antiretroviral (ARV) treatment for the virus but smoke are estimated to have a more than 10 times greater chance of dying of lung cancer compared with dying of AIDS-related complications.

https://www.poz.com/article/smoking-tied-faster-lung-function-decline-people-hiv

https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/hiv-smoking 

U go Jim!
Anyways my doctor told me that it can affect my heart, that's why I thought that way...but yea, she also said that I wont be taking the same pills so I shouldnt worry too much..she said that it can affect me after 10 years.

I think even the 10 years is a bullshit comment with no basis. Its nonsense.

preventing other people of getting it isn't?
I get that it may have not been deliberate but at least he should have had some respect instead of attacking and outright blocking me.Being kinder?
I wasn't even mad and he freaked out.
But yea..I guess this is life and we learn, he will learn too.

anyways thanks again and sorry if I'm being annoying  (8

Contact tracing and notification is as people can test and if positive start treatment.

However to be honest a lot of people are scared and don't want to be confronted with the news and/or cope with the news in their own way. It does not make them bad and that he blocked you could be for many reasons. It does not make him the source of your HIV, it just means that perhaps he is rude. Who know. 

I got my HIV here: 
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=71109.msg

Everyone is responsible for themselves and sex is a risk.

Jim

[Blue_Lace]

Yeah, PrEP is an HIV prevention tool in which an HIV-negative person takes antiretroviral medication to reduce the risk of contracting HIV.

Okay well it not an issue but do ask them in Jan. The key of HIV treatment is that it is suppressing the virus. This is measured by "Viral Load" and hence they will measure this on check-ups

Oh okay, I will be sure to do that then.

No it would not change how the medication works ... The risk/problem with drinkers is when get too drunk and start forgetting to take it their medication or depending on type taking it incorrectly.

It will not affect the pills you are taking.

Problem is smoking is bad, its very bad it seems for people living with HIV. 

https://www.poz.com/article/people-hiv-tend-realize-much-smoking-shortens-life-span

https://www.poz.com/article/1-4-smokers-successful-hiv-treatment-projected-die-lung-cancer Those who adhere well to antiretroviral (ARV) treatment for the virus but smoke are estimated to have a more than 10 times greater chance of dying of lung cancer compared with dying of AIDS-related complications.

https://www.poz.com/article/smoking-tied-faster-lung-function-decline-people-hiv

https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/hiv-smoking 

I think even the 10 years is a bullshit comment with no basis. Its nonsense.

Hmm..but I am sure that drinking and pills dont mix together well..maybe it's some pills like antibiotic?
Anyways I don't think I will have a problem with forgetting to take my pills because of drinking (I will forget because I am a forgetful person lol).

So the smoking is more dangerous..
I am most likely to smoke pot most of the times and I saw that u wrote that it's worse if I smoke with/ tobacco so I should be alright again since I ain't a smoker at all.

Contact tracing and notification is as people can test and if positive start treatment.

However to be honest a lot of people are scared and don't want to be confronted with the news and/or cope with the news in their own way. It does not make them bad and that he blocked you could be for many reasons. It does not make him the source of your HIV, it just means that perhaps he is rude. Who know. 

I got my HIV here: 
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=71109.msg

Everyone is responsible for themselves and sex is a risk.

I do agree with u that we are at our own fault.
I do agree that we should retrace and notify the people we had sexual contact with.
But it's a dirty thing to do, to be infected on purpose. Why be this bad person?
My only view that changed here is that I will try to wait more before I expose him to see if he will contact back/ I will try to contact him again.Since u are right about the not-accepting thing.
I just know there are HIV communities that talk about transferring the virus knowingly.Forums.Tell their stories and how they ruin people's lives. (not that they are ruined but it's pretty shocking)
I am nice to everyone, don't get me wrong. I was constantly that kid in class that went to the person everyone was bullying to be his friend but sometimes getting backstabed.
Rude people deserve what's coming to them and I will not sit idle.
He will take his consequences if he doesn't start treating things nicely.I don't believe in karma.
U are too nice to people in my opinion (which is one of the principles to being happy tbh, "dont expect anything from anyone" or something. But I have not reached that point in life yet).

[Jim Allen]

Hmm..but I am sure that drinking and pills dont mix together well..maybe it's some pills like antibiotic?

Some pills like some antibiotic don't mix with alcohol. Triumeq however is not an antibiotic, having a drink with Triumeq is not an issue.

My only view that changed here is that I will try to wait more before I expose him to see if he will contact back/ I will try to contact him again.

Expose him, how & why?

I mean you are not a virgin I presume before meeting this guy. You choose to have sex and he now chooses not to talk to you anymore (I've done that plenty of times, HIV had nothing to do with it    ) But unless I am missing something, nothing you mentioned so far would equal he infected you on purpose somehow or that he is even living with HIV. Its just that he does not care to talk to you.

I just know there are HIV communities that talk about transferring the virus knowingly.Forums.Tell their stories and how they ruin people's lives. (not that they are ruined but it's pretty shocking)

Bug chases & gift givers, unique small group of people with what i consider mental health issues. The thrill seem to be that the person bug chasing is willing to acquire HIV. This does not apply to the vast majority of people living with HIV or transmissions, nothing you mentioned about your past partners so far would indicate this.

Its sounds like consensual sex resulting in acquiring HIV. Nobody is at fault, nobody is to blame, that's just life.

Jim 

[Blue_Lace]

Some pills like some antibiotic don't mix with alcohol. Triumeq however is not an antibiotic, having a drink with Triumeq is not an issue.

Yea I know , u already told me
I was just saying..

Expose him, how & why?

I mean you are not a virgin I presume before meeting this guy. You choose to have sex and he now chooses not to talk to you anymore (I've done that plenty of times, HIV had nothing to do with it    ) But unless I am missing something, nothing you mentioned so far would equal he infected you on purpose somehow or that he is even living with HIV. Its just that he does not care to talk to you.

Well I was talking to him about the virus.
I told him to get tested cuz he told me he hasn't done any testing soon.
He told me that he will not test himself, very rudely at that.
He was the last person I had sex with, I asked the previous one (and the others were with protection) and he didn't have anything so it must be him.
I've done my research.

Anyways I haven't had someone ignore me after having sex, he was the first one and he didn't even ignore me after having sex.He started ignoring me when I started talking about the virus (so I still havent been ignored after sex) +I talk to the people for a long time before we do something.
He probably got it from someone unknowingly but being rude to me was outright...there isn't a word like that in english but a close description is "impudent".

Bug chases & gift givers, unique small group of people with what i consider mental health issues. The thrill seem to be that the person bug chasing is willing to acquire HIV. This does not apply to the vast majority of people living with HIV or transmissions, nothing you mentioned about your past partners so far would indicate this.

Its sounds like consensual sex resulting in acquiring HIV. Nobody is at fault, nobody is to blame, that's just life.

That doesn't mean he (underline because I am only talking about one person) isn't one either.
I am not judging him to be one btw, I am just saying.
And I still think u are misunderstanding what is annoying me in all this.
I am not annoyed that he knowingly or unknowingly gave me the virus.I am annoyed that he isn't going to speak to me or is just plain rude.

[Jim Allen]

Well I was talking to him about the virus.
I told him to get tested cuz he told me he hasn't done any testing soon.
He told me that he will not test himself, very rudely at that.
He was the last person I had sex with, I asked the previous one (and the others were with protection) and he didn't have anything so it must be him.
I've done my research.

I've never met someone who has always used condoms for all aspects of sex including oral but ill take your word for it.

Anyways I haven't had someone ignore me after having sex, he was the first one and he didn't even ignore me after having sex.He started ignoring me when I started talking about the virus (so I still havent been ignored after sex) +I talk to the people for a long time before we do something.
He probably got it from someone unknowingly but being rude to me was outright...there isn't a word like that in english but a close description is "impudent".

That doesn't mean he (underline because I am only talking about one person) isn't one either.
I am not judging him to be one btw, I am just saying.
And I still think u are misunderstanding what is annoying me in all this.
I am not annoyed that he knowingly or unknowingly gave me the virus.I am annoyed that he isn't going to speak to me or is just plain rude.

Okay so he is not interested in talking to you. That sucks but look you have told he and maybe he will test and if positive maybe he will treat it. That's ultimately up to him.

I am not judging him to be one btw, I am just saying.

Well I think you sound very emotionally hurt reading back your posts at the moment particularly when you talk about bad people, and exposing him etc.

End of the day he does not want to talk to you and for whatever reason that is and if you agree or disagree/dislike it, I really think you should let it go. Focus on better things and move on.

Its not going to be the last time it happens to you in life that someone will ignore you and I am not sure its worth your attention. You can't force or expect everyone  to be nice to you. Anyhow ill leave it at that, its your life at the end of the day.

Take it easy

Jim

[Blue_Lace]

I've never met someone who has always used condoms for all aspects of sex including oral but ill take your word for it.

Gurl..I didn't mean everyone from my previous sexual partners.
But they were long ago so I know they didnt give me the virus.

Okay so he is not interested in talking to you. That sucks but look you have told he and maybe he will test and if positive maybe he will treat it. That's ultimately up to him.

Well I think you sound very emotionally hurt reading back your posts at the moment particularly when you talk about bad people, and exposing him etc.

End of the day he does not want to talk to you and for whatever reason that is and if you agree or disagree/dislike it, I really think you should let it go. Focus on better things and move on.

Its not going to be the last time it happens to you in life that someone will ignore you and I am not sure its worth your attention. You can't force or expect everyone  to be nice to you. Anyhow ill leave it at that, its your life at the end of the day.

Well I am that kind of a person.
I will always help and be nice to someone but if we were close in that sense, and he attacks me or of the sorts, I won't stand and take shit especially when something like this happens (that sticks to me for life) happens.
Have taken too much shit from my life and will regret it if I don't do anything, even if it does sound negative for myself.

[Jim Allen]

Look you don't know.

Well I am that kind of a person.
I will always help and be nice to someone but if we were close in that sense, and he attacks me or of the sorts, I won't stand and take shit especially when something like this happens (that sticks to me for life) happens.
Have taken too much shit from my life and will regret it if I don't do anything, even if it does sound negative for myself.

On this well I wish you all the best, negative no. Sounds a bit obsessive perhaps. 

I'll be honest I don't really see what you hope to accomplish, I really believe its well within his rights to choose to no-longer to communicate with someone in his life no matter how rude the other person may feel it is. I've done that plenty of times in life when i feel that nothing good can come out of it anymore.

Totally up-to you what you do of course, but whatever happens do look after yourself.

Jim

[Blue_Lace]

On this well I wish you all the best, negative no. Sounds a bit obsessive perhaps. 

I'll be honest I don't really see what you hope to accomplish, I really believe its well within his rights to choose to no-longer to communicate with someone in his life no matter how rude the other person may feel it is. I've done that plenty of times in life when i feel that nothing good can come out of it anymore.

Totally up-to you what you do of course, but whatever happens do look after yourself.

Jim

Okay,

• Obsessive?
  It's a normal reaction to wanting justice. I am not dedicating my life to it and it's definitely not on my top 10 list to do.

• U dont see what I hope to accomplish? Really? Even when I told u that I want to stop other people from getting the virus from him because the dumb dumb can't use a condom or doesn't want to even get tested?
  

I am starting to think that u have done this before too.
Too protective of him..
I understand wanting the victim to have peace with himself and to forgive+unsure-ness of who he got it from...but u are being on the Original Carrier's side way to much..even acting like I didn't tell u what is going to happen when Awareness is raised about the person since he wont do it himself (for himself).

sidenote Again: it's not the fact that he stopped communicating with me (and no need to tell me that u've done it too.EVERYone has done it) it's the fact that he doesn't take responsibility and doesn't want to learn what has happened (or at least Try to prove that it's false).

[Jim Allen]

 

I've been pretty clear that I am all for safer sex and contact tracing & notification

As far as I understand your story you have told him your result and that he should test, he did not react well to this news and decided to block further communications with you and this pissed you off.

So let's be frank now, what more do you want?

He and the others don't owe you anything and I ask because you are not talking about prevention of HIV but talking about exposing someone, kinda outing him, and about consequences based on your feelings and thoughts and as much as you think this is fact, they are not facts. All in all you are using language that sounds very much like you want to teach him some sort of lesson and hurt him perhaps??? 

Its sounds very threatening if i am honest and, yes slightly obsessive to me and I bring it up not to defend anyone or attack you but simply because I am concerned about you and your welfare, and how you are coping as someone newly diagnosed.

Well I was talking to him about the virus.
I told him to get tested cuz he told me he hasn't done any testing soon.
He told me that he will not test himself, very rudely at that.

I didn't tell u what is going to happen when Awareness is raised about the person since he wont do it himself (for himself).

Rude people deserve what's coming to them and I will not sit idle.
He will take his consequences if he doesn't start treating things nicely.I don't believe in karma.

it's a dirty thing to do, to be infected on purpose. Why be this bad person? My only view that changed here is that I will try to wait more before I expose him to see if he will contact back/ I will try to contact him again.Since u are right about the not-accepting thing.

I get that it may have not been deliberate but at least he should have had some respect instead of attacking and outright blocking me.Being kinder?
I wasn't even mad and he freaked out. But yea..I guess this is life and we learn, he will learn too.

My other problem is..who got me infected in the first place?
I've been with people after my rash hospitalization but they don't have the virus so that means I contracted it further in my medical problem history.
I've been thinking that it was the last guy I was with because I haven't been able to feel a sex drive after that and I heard that that is one of the effects of this.
The bad thing is..I tried messaging him but he was acting rude and he blocked me everywhere we had contact in.
I tried contacting him several times but he keeps shunning me.

at least Try to prove that it's false

I understand wanting the victim to have peace with himself

You had consensual sex resulting in acquiring HIV. Nobody is at fault, nobody is to blame, that's just life. Sex comes with risks. Nothing indicates any intent to hurt you or equal that someone is bad just because they have an STI.

You don't know when or where you acquired the virus however you did a great thing with the contact tracing and telling your partners including him about your status, so they can decide what to do and if needed test. Now multiple of them or one of them might test positive but not be willing to admit this to you or may claim to be negative (nobody owes you proof) and so the truth is you may never find out.

I do believe its well within his rights or anyone's to choose to no-longer to communicate with someone in their life, and yeah maybe his particular guy is rude, so what? He also knows about your status now, the contact tracing has been done, they have all been notified right? that was the goal you claim right so, job done!

Look you sound very emotionally hurt, angry and frustrated reading back your posts but end of the day if someone does not want to talk to you for whatever reason, I really think you should let it go and find a better way of coping with it than spending energy that could be better used and focused on more positive things in life than hurting (punishing) others and instead move on.

I wish you well, my point being is to look after yourself, you did the contact tracing, you notified the people, great and now time to move on and to focus on living you life, taking your treatment, and suppressing the virus.

Perhaps if you have not done so already, its time to seek out a peer support group for face to face help during this time initial time

Jim

[Blue_Lace]

I've been pretty clear that I am all for safer sex and contact tracing & notification

As far as I understand your story you have told him your result and that he should test, he did not react well to this news and decided to block further communications with you and this pissed you off.

So let's be frank now, what more do you want?

He and the others don't owe you anything and I ask because you are not talking about prevention of HIV but talking about exposing someone, kinda outing him, and about consequences based on your feelings and thoughts and as much as you think this is fact, they are not facts. All in all you are using language that sounds very much like you want to teach him some sort of lesson and hurt him perhaps??? 

Its sounds very threatening if i am honest and, yes slightly obsessive to me and I bring it up not to defend anyone or attack you but simply because I am concerned about you and your welfare, and how you are coping as someone newly diagnosed.

U dont just block the person u gave the virus to and continue to do your bidding.
I WILL out him because he is acting this way.
I don't care if he is telling people privately about his condition, it isn't right to block the person u gave the virus to and continue to search for sex on the app.
I get what u are trying to say but u could've handled your explanation better without blaming me that I wasn't careful or something like that.
He deserves to be exposed for not even taking action especially when I've asked other people who we both know to contact him.

You had consensual sex resulting in acquiring HIV. Nobody is at fault, nobody is to blame, that's just life. Sex comes with risks. Nothing indicates any intent to hurt you or equal that someone is bad just because they have an STI.

You don't know when or where you acquired the virus however you did a great thing with the contact tracing and telling your partners including him about your status, so they can decide what to do and if needed test. Now multiple of them or one of them might test positive but not be willing to admit this to you or may claim to be negative (nobody owes you proof) and so the truth is you may never find out.

I do believe its well within his rights or anyone's to choose to no-longer to communicate with someone in their life, and yeah maybe his particular guy is rude, so what? He also knows about your status now, the contact tracing has been done, they have all been notified right? that was the goal you claim right so, job done!

Look you sound very emotionally hurt, angry and frustrated reading back your posts but end of the day if someone does not want to talk to you for whatever reason, I really think you should let it go and find a better way of coping with it than spending energy that could be better used and focused on more positive things in life than hurting (punishing) others and instead move on.

I wish you well, my point being is to look after yourself, you did the contact tracing, you notified the people, great and now time to move on and to focus on living you life, taking your treatment, and suppressing the virus.

Perhaps if you have not done so already, its time to seek out a peer support group for face to face help during this time initial time

Jim

dddd

I don't even care that I have this virus.
I am only taking a pill a day, nothing else has changed for me to take things seriously (since I realize stuff when they hit hard)
So if u think I am hurt by the virus or the fact that he ignored me then u are wrong.
I've been ignored before or caught viruses before.
I know it's him.
and if he even dares to try and attack me or cause me pain, I will make sure he suffers.
I will kill myself blaming him just to ruin his life, I've already know how I am gonna do it, a poisonous plant that lives in rural areas will do just do work.
Who infected the boy with Hiv and then ignored his contact acting like he is trash?
I dont care about my life anyways, been thinking how can I make an impact on something with this suicide (since they tend to get interest if there is something behind it) since 16 year old.
That's obsession, but it won't be against him only, it will cause more talks about HIV; it can also be in a fit of rage when my parents act like they know everything and wont admit to their mistakes, they will be hearing that I did it because of that other person but they will know that they may have pushed me to it.

Anyways, it's simple Jim.
I really know it's him.The others wouldn't lie to me.
One is too close to me (and the sexual contact is too far to be him).
The 2nd just got married
The 3rd started acting rude and ultimately ignored me.I know basic human interactions.
Even if I do expose him but dont die, it's his word against mine.
The gay community knows that some gay are too vengeful and they wont take it seriously, not that I am vengeful but to block me over something important like that? I've already seen 2 accounts this month warning of people who have HIV+ and gave it to someone without telling them.
Maybe soon it's gonna be 3.
I am gonna try to make another contact since he should be calmer after several months now.
I am nice to nice people, people who admit their mistakes and even to people who arent the way they are because of themselves.But if u are a bad person willingly, u will be met with the same from me. I don't really care.

[Jim Allen]

The others wouldn't lie to me.
One is too close to me (and the sexual contact is too far to be him).
The 2nd just got married
The 3rd started acting rude and ultimately ignored me.I know basic human interactions.

This really means nothing at all. Its not proof of anything, married people have HIV as well. I was married for 14 years so are many many members here. Your only 22 years old so you could have had the virus for many years so I would rule the 2nd one in as well.

My point is not that he is not the guy, my point is you don't know for sure and acting vengefully somehow towards him for something hat he may not have done, was not with intent and is not great thing for you to be doing or a healthy for you.  This thread is a cliche of why people don't test in the first place.

Now if you think this guy is doing something wrong to others, here is an idea for you. Report it to the authorities and they can decided if it warrants investigation and action, this way you can focus on better things in life. 

without blaming me that I wasn't careful or something like that.

I'm not blaming you or judging you at all and I'm sorry you feel that way.
You had sex, sex comes with risks. Its not a matter of blame or judgment, everyone does it, you were unfortunate.

U dont just block the person u gave the virus to and continue to do your bidding.
I WILL out him because he is acting this way.
I don't care if he is telling people privately about his condition, it isn't right to block the person u gave the virus to and continue to search for sex on the app.
I get what u are trying to say but u could've handled your explanation better without blaming me that I wasn't careful or something like that.
He deserves to be exposed for not even taking action especially when I've asked other people who we both know to contact him.

Again you informed him and that's great, he now no longer wishes to communicate with you. That is his choice and right to do so, it does not equal that he is HIV Positive or doing anything wrong to anyone else. So if you feel he is somehow intentionally hurting someone than tell the cops and let them deal with it how they see fit.

I will make sure he suffers.
I will kill myself blaming him just to ruin his life, I've already know how I am gonna do it, a poisonous plant that lives in rural areas will do just do work.
Who infected the boy with Hiv and then ignored his contact acting like he is trash?
I dont care about my life anyways, been thinking how can I make an impact on something with this suicide (since they tend to get interest if there is something behind it) since 16 year old.
That's obsession, but it won't be against him only, it will cause more talks about HIV; it can also be in a fit of rage when my parents act like they know everything and wont admit to their mistakes, they will be hearing that I did it because of that other person but they will know that they may have pushed me to it.

Look I really do wish you well, I understand you are in emotional pain however killing yourself is not the answer, killing yourself to somehow get even or attempt to hurt someone does not make much sense in particularly over someone who in all-fairness sounds like he simply does not care about you either-way.

Please do talk to your doctor about how you are feeling and talk to someone face to face about this.

I wish you well.

Jim

[Ptrk3]

Blue_Lace:  you really do need to seek face-to-face cognitive therapy to address the thoughts and feelings you are having.  Seeking support over the internet is a good thing, but it is not a substitute for a healthy back-and-forth one would enjoy in an actual encounter.  Discuss with your healthcare provider.

Many of your thoughts are perfectly normal, but ruminating on distorted aspects of the situation can actually change your brain chemistry and bring you closer to depression and anxiety.

The HIV is a virus:  that's what it is.  It's not vengeance; it's not rudeness; it's not coldness toward a friend; it's not anyone's fault.  Don't go down rabbit-holes that will bring you nowhere but underground, and nothing but sorrow and anger.

Try to reframe your thinking.  Focus on maintaining your antiretroviral regimen and dealing with your condition with grace and dignity.  You are young and have your entire adult life ahead of you.  There's no reason that you can't focus your energies on the things in your life that are helpful to you and will allow you to achieve your best self:  living well is the best revenge, as the saying goes.

I wish you the best on your road to health and wisdom.

[Blue_Lace]

Look I really do wish you well, I understand you are in emotional pain however killing yourself is not the answer, killing yourself to somehow get even or attempt to hurt someone does not make much sense in particularly over someone who in all-fairness sounds like he simply does not care about you either-way.

Please do talk to your doctor about how you are feeling and talk to someone face to face about this.

I wish you well.

Jim

Lol,
fine, call it revenge. He will get his revenge.
It's only because of u that it wasn't served to him on X-mas.
Guess overcoming the exposure will be his new year resolution.

and again, my word against his.
Even if he isn't the one to blame.
He is the one but u don't really know the situation so it's okay.

Blue_Lace:  you really do need to seek face-to-face cognitive therapy to address the thoughts and feelings you are having.  Seeking support over the internet is a good thing, but it is not a substitute for a healthy back-and-forth one would enjoy in an actual encounter.  Discuss with your healthcare provider.

Many of your thoughts are perfectly normal, but ruminating on distorted aspects of the situation can actually change your brain chemistry and bring you closer to depression and anxiety.

The HIV is a virus:  that's what it is.  It's not vengeance; it's not rudeness; it's not coldness toward a friend; it's not anyone's fault.  Don't go down rabbit-holes that will bring you nowhere but underground, and nothing but sorrow and anger.

Try to reframe your thinking.  Focus on maintaining your antiretroviral regimen and dealing with your condition with grace and dignity.  You are young and have your entire adult life ahead of you.  There's no reason that you can't focus your energies on the things in your life that are helpful to you and will allow you to achieve your best self:  living well is the best revenge, as the saying goes.

I wish you the best on your road to health and wisdom.

I am not having any feelings over this.
This is logic.
I don't do "be nice to everyone" or forgive people who don't deserve it.
Already did it and it doesnt do any good for me (not even for the other person since he gets used to treat people like shit).
I do nice only to people who deserve it.

I dont have these "feelings"/thoughts because of the virus.
I've always thought this way about depression or whatever.
I don't have anything to lose since I haven't gained anything that much.
But I will give a leson to someone who had to learn it a long time ago and this won't even be for him only.

I came here to learn more about the virus for what I can take and stuff like that.
There might be a pill for killing the virus after 10 years with recent researches.
I will still be willing to kill to make someone like him suffer.

Therapy is overrated.
I know that obviously someone with disturbing thoughts would say this but it's not even that simple.
I am not a psychopath or a maniac.
But I am not willing to take shit from anyone since I've been disrespected enough before and karma doesn't exist.

Good wishes to yall too

[Ptrk3]

I believe we moderators of this forum have helped you, or guided you to seek professional help, as best we can.

I do wish you the very best: take care of yourself.  I can't think of a way to help you further.

[Blue_Lace]

I believe we moderators of this forum have helped you, or guided you to seek professional help, as best we can.

I do wish you the very best: take care of yourself.  I can't think of a way to help you further.

Thanks!

[CaveyUK]

Chiming in late on this, but my only points are....

Revenge/Retribution is futile, and something we will always advise against strongly. For a start, you are working on incomplete information....the guy stopped talking to you when you mentioned HIV. Ok, this could be because he feels he has been busted, but it could equally be that he has blocked out HIV from his mind despite some risky encounters in the past and has put off testing and by telling him your status his world has crashed down. He could be going through the testing process right now with all the 'getting his head around it' that entails. There could be many reasons why he would choose to ignore/block you right now, that don't spell out any guilt on his part.

So outing someone who doesn't have HIV as HIV+ could seriously impact his life. Equally outing someone as HIV+ if they are, and are just starting the journey of dealing mentally with the condition and all the worries about disclosure and so on....well, it's just a horrible thing to do.

And it doesn't help you in the slightest.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but you are not the first person to come here with such thoughts and everyone is told the same thing.

You started off saying that you have been happier than for some time, despite the diagnosis. I understand that, as having health problems and then finding an answer - even if it's not the one you would have chosen - and can deal with it, does put you in a stronger place mentally. The thread then seems to morph into you killing yourself, which doesn't really scan. Personally, I think you are putting way too much energy onto the 'how' and 'who' of your infection when you should only really be focusing on yourself right now and laying the foundations for living a long and happy life.

On other subjects you have mentioned - Jim is right - alcohol is no problem when HIV+ on meds, just be careful not to overdo it or forget to take pills. Smoking is bad for everyone, regardless of HIV status, but it is one of the most common vices amongst those living with HIV, so all the health warnings you see everywhere about it should be heeded but if you choose to smoke, it won't have a direct impact on the effectiveness of your meds so you don't need to worry in that regard.

[Blue_Lace]

Chiming in late on this, but my only points are....

Revenge/Retribution is futile, and something we will always advise against strongly. For a start, you are working on incomplete information....the guy stopped talking to you when you mentioned HIV. Ok, this could be because he feels he has been busted, but it could equally be that he has blocked out HIV from his mind despite some risky encounters in the past and has put off testing and by telling him your status his world has crashed down. He could be going through the testing process right now with all the 'getting his head around it' that entails. There could be many reasons why he would choose to ignore/block you right now, that don't spell out any guilt on his part.

So outing someone who doesn't have HIV as HIV+ could seriously impact his life. Equally outing someone as HIV+ if they are, and are just starting the journey of dealing mentally with the condition and all the worries about disclosure and so on....well, it's just a horrible thing to do.

And it doesn't help you in the slightest.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but you are not the first person to come here with such thoughts and everyone is told the same thing.

You started off saying that you have been happier than for some time, despite the diagnosis. I understand that, as having health problems and then finding an answer - even if it's not the one you would have chosen - and can deal with it, does put you in a stronger place mentally. The thread then seems to morph into you killing yourself, which doesn't really scan. Personally, I think you are putting way too much energy onto the 'how' and 'who' of your infection when you should only really be focusing on yourself right now and laying the foundations for living a long and happy life.

On other subjects you have mentioned - Jim is right - alcohol is no problem when HIV+ on meds, just be careful not to overdo it or forget to take pills. Smoking is bad for everyone, regardless of HIV status, but it is one of the most common vices amongst those living with HIV, so all the health warnings you see everywhere about it should be heeded but if you choose to smoke, it won't have a direct impact on the effectiveness of your meds so you don't need to worry in that regard.

I've actually forgot all about it.
Haven't done anything in relations to him tbh

But I still feel that he should've at least talked to me.
If u are a decent human being, that's the least u can do.
I wouldn't have even thought about outing him if he didn't outright block me, that's dirty.

I am all for helping the LGBT community and I've always tried to help newly coming out people but I cant stand something like this when I know I've always been good and respectful towards that person and never gave him an impression that I would do something to hurt him, even when I told him to get tested.I didn't even blame him, just told him for his own good.

Anyways it's okay, I usually go overboard when I in a situation like this.
Once I thought I was gonna get banned from every school because I yelled back at a teacher.
I've actually found out that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was and now it's even worse but yea, at least I know it.

About the alchohol/smoking thing, yea.
It won't be so bad if I drink here and there but I know I should avoid smoking more.
Thanks

[Blue_Lace]

Update just because
The guy I contracted it from, me and a friend of mine convinced him to go to the doctor and tell him that he is HIV positive
He is now taking pills and is using protection

He was avoiding taking any action and etc, since he seems to be ashamed of the relation that he is gay
Seems to be taking it much better now..