So what benefits/good things has HIV brought into your life?

[shadowfluid]

I guess this is a question for anyone and everyone who has had HIV or just got it, but I do feel the people who have had it longer may have more insight.  Let er rip. 

edit: For me, in the last 8 weeks, I feel myself grieving and wanting to forgive myself.  I know these things take time.  I've disclosed my status to everyone I know and to even multiple guys I may have infected.  I feel like I've done the right thing.  I quit smoking a pack a day. I changed my diet.  I sought out therapy and doctors immediately.  I have to remind myself of these things I've gained as the dark HIV cloud still pours rain over me...

(off topic:  Sometimes I just want to cry! Like in that movie "The Holiday" with Cameron Diaz. I laugh when I think of that scene where she is trying to induce crying by fake crying.  I can't cry. Even at funerals.  Yet there are those few people in my life that can look at me concerned and I'll just start balling. Like my parents or ex.)
Anyway you guys rock with all the good advice. I'll try to not be so needy. I start CBT tomorrow at my university by a very young and very sexy dyklicious asian female with a soothing voice. I'm amped. And good riddens throat infection...thanks to azithromycin for killing it....but no thanks as well for making me so goddamned fatigued!

[Matty the Damned]

I laugh when I think of that scene where she is trying to induce crying by fake crying.  I can't cry. Even at funerals.

Whack your cock with a hammer. Hard. That should do the trick.

Regards,

MtD

[shadowfluid]

Thanks for taking my post seriously! I'll let it go cuz you seem like the class clown.

[indyguy]

The Atripla makes me tired sometimes but I force myself to stay awake. The dreams can be really wild if I eat fatty food before bedtime. Other then that no major problems

[indyguy]

Crazy as it sounds I have made allot of new friends both here and in the backwards state of Indiana. Coming out at work has given me allot of support by some and dirty looks by others. O well they never invited me to dinner before so I know they wont know. LOL

[shadowfluid]

Well that's good....maybe I should have been more specific....what have you gained mentally? What about your lifestyle?  Did you change your eating habits? Made any dramatic changes to your life?

[indyguy]

Eatting habits yes. I started eatting less fat because of the side effects. I still smoke even though the doctor wants me to stop. That will be harder then eatting less fat for me though since i have smoked for over 15 years. I do party less but when I do go out I let the good times roll LOL. I end up paying for it the next day though. Sometimes I feel completely alone and have to remind myself that I need to be thankful for every healthy day.

[DanielMark]

Hello again Shadow,

I hope you'll find the CBT therapy helpful. I know I do, and others I know have.

Your question is interesting. Although living with HIV hasn't been a joy ride, there have been some beneficial developments in my life after diagnosis, and in me. Number one would be that I stopped taking things for granted. Things like good health and good friendships. Disclosing is the fastest way to weed out those who are your real friends from those who are not so much.

Also the value of time, and what I do with mine – what is important to spend time on and what isn’t. I could say the same of people – who is worth spending my time and energy on and who is not. And this is directly linked to reaching a level of honesty in me too. No more do I say yes when I really mean no, or the other way around. I don’t tolerate that which is not genuine any longer, including people.

So in many ways being HIV positive has helped me discover who I truly am. And in that sense it has brought me deeper and more meaningful experiences, and more appreciation for life than I had pre diagnosis. I cry at the silliest things now – usually in private – and I laugh at lots of life too.

Sensitivity to and compassion for the hardships others face is another benefit. I can more readily empathise with the problems of other people, and in some cases I’ll offer what I can (if anything) to help them find their way instead of brushing them off or fearing their pain. After all, kindness costs nothing.

Thank you for helping me remember these things this morning, Shadow. I was feeling a bit down coming to these forums this morning until I happened upon your post.

Daniel

[Dragonette]

it helped me have better relationships all around with old and new people in my life. also to find the best romantic relationship ever - luck and desperation combined to push me into doing things i normally wouldn't do like ask a guy out and be more open about my needs.

outwardly, initially i looked great, better than usual, because i was working out a lot and minding my food. these days, i don't look my best and have gained quite a bit of weight, but still ok, however that's good enough for me. oh who am i kidding. ok i am immensly grateful but i would like my figure back.

i am also more greedy and hungry for things that i want to do with my life and in the future so a lot of times i feel restless. i have no sense of security but not enough adventure either, but at the same time...
generally it helped me priorotize and find more satisfaction and beauty in everyday living.

i am not a better person but i have on one hand more empathy than before and understanding of other people and on the other, far less patience for BS

i know these things are somewhat contradictory but that's how it has been.

CBT is great. i wish i had some therapy. it will be good for you, it's quite handy and practical and works pretty much right away. but you have to maintain it which i don't do. if anyone has a good CBT link, please post....

[newbernswiss]

I live life for today, the fullest. I don't worry about the small stuff. When you face death and survive not to much can bother you anymore. I'm thankful for each day.  I don't let the negative vibes get to me and try my best to avoid those people and situations. I keep fulfilling my goals and dreams.....

[RapidRod]

I have to concur with newbernswiss.

[GSOgymrat]

Good things that HIV has brought into my life...

Um....

Greater appreciation for life?... nope, already had that...

Live in the now?... knew that already...

Take care of my health more?... but I was already a gymrat...

Let's see... HIV gave me lipoatrophy, which made me miserable, which made me go to Rio de Janeiro to get plastic injected into my face and ass. Rio was really fantastic. So I guess HIV gave me a terrific trip to Rio.

[GSOgymrat]

I laugh when I think of that scene where she is trying to induce crying by fake crying.  I can't cry. Even at funerals.

Whack your cock with a hammer. Hard. That should do the trick.

Regards,

MtD

CBT= cock and ball torture 

[Sky]

My health staying ok without meds for as long as it has
Nursing school
New outlook on life
Life

[David_CA]

I can't say that it's given me much of anything positive.  I did go to Montreal last summer and met a great bunch of people.  We're going to SF  this Sept.. to do the same.  It's made me more aware of how much my family and close friends care about me and how accepting they all are.  I realize how good my insurance is.  Oh, I don't have to worry about becoming HIV+ now.  Other than those things, I don't think there are many more positive aspects from it.  I never had depression or anxiety before.  I never had fatigue - I could do 'most anything and not get tired or need much sleep.  I was just as nice and understanding a person.  I didn't feel like a shit for bringing this stress and anxiety to my family like I do now.  I'd definitely say that the few good things could have easily happened on their own without this damned virus.

David (who needs to try and be a bit more positive today)

[Bucko]

Good things that HIV has brought into my life...

Um....

Greater appreciation for life?... nope, already had that...

Live in the now?... knew that already...

Take care of my health more?... but I was already a gymrat...

Let's see... HIV gave me lipoatrophy, which made me miserable, which made me go to Rio de Janeiro to get plastic injected into my face and ass. Rio was really fantastic. So I guess HIV gave me a terrific trip to Rio.

CBT= cock and ball torture 

Damn it, Ford...you already got to my best material 

Lemme see...

My friends started dropping like flies by 1983, so I was compelled to make new ones. This went lather, rinse, repeat for the next fifteen years, so I guess HIV got me out of the house a lot.

In 1990 I fell in love on a beach in Spain and moved to Paris to live with him. When he died two years later I came home, so HIV kept me from wasting my future in France.

Three years later I was trying to wind down a six-month fuckbud relationship with someone I knew wasn't good for me, but then a condom broke, we both tested poz and I hung on for a total of nine years out of guilt and remorse. HIV taught me how much I can punish myself over an accident.

Six months of diarrhea due to what was an "acceptable side effect" (from my doctor at the time) of a certain med regime made me lose weight. Four years of a special diet to control my lipids due to Kaletra kept up the weight loss and made me give up all the foods I loved that had any fat or cholesterol. HIV returned my body to that of my young 20s. Who needs an ass when you can sport size 28 jeans again?

Living within the income restrictions imposed by ADAP/Ryan White criteria following the cancellation of my health insurance in 2003 has left me permanently bankrupt. Who needs credit cards? My car was too expensive to maintain anyways, and taking the bus is better for the environment.

Gawd knows that if I were still active in my career that I'd never have the time to write, and writing gives me pleasure and allows me to share my experiences with thousands of people from around the world every month.

Without HIV my life would have been completely different.

Brent
(Whose arm still tingles from the shingle attack three weeks ago)

[Iggy]

 I guess my experiences in life and with the HIV in the past are pretty much the fodder of psychology case examples...or at least a nifty pamphlet.

I never really had that great appreciation of life.  That's not to say that I didn't enjoy life, but I doubt that in my 20's and early 30's I could be so certain to really know two fucks about healthy lifestyle and all that it takes it appreciate life - I guess I was too busy living it and being like every other idiot my age in disregarding my own mortality for the moment.

Now I won't say that HIV cause me a 180 in outlook because that ain't true - in fact there is a more realistic argument to say that it just speeded me up on the path I was already heading downwards on.  I also won't claim that my crash was a good thing either though there is always something to be said about losing everything in order to build something new (and hopefully better.)

I face fears about my job and health insurance and dealing with I already see as physical complications of just having a lowered immune system.  I gripe not for those who do fear the small stuff -because that IS the Eden of ife as we know it - no matter how Deepak Chopra  one would like to pretend they are - In other words - I love the days when I can sweat the small stuff because that means the big stuff doesn't yet have a hold on me. 

In truth "HIV" hasn't brought me diddly squat as far as good...but then again rare are the things that have a direct result as far as good and bad.

To answer your question further (and in a more "positive" way (drumroll please) via indirect results of HIV -  it is that it has brought me (after a the crash and burn period) an impetus to get my shit in order and to appreciate each day more (not "fully" - As I haven't reached a sense of Buddhist nirvana yet). 

It has also allowed me to have a greater understanding of those who are not doing well (regardless of HIV) and to be able to not assume that life needs be one way - that understanding allows me a greater appreciation of life itself as we do continue to exist even when things are bad or appear dark - and that is not an easy lesson to learn -  Sometimes we speak disparagingly of others who are not in the same enlightened place that we see ourselves in  (either directly or via observations of self on a pedestal) as it affords us a sense of distance from the truth we fear exists within ourselves - a truth that is obviously reflected in the experiences of those who are not doing well.

HIV has also (indirectly) put some perspective in my life - my looks as they fade seem to matter less (as harsh as feels at times) than the ability to function.  An example I guess is that I don't care so much if I have cut arms as I do that I can still make it to the gym.  That small battle being fought (confidence in self vs.confidence in beauty) is a huge one that I think HIV plays a significant role in.

HIV has also indirectly brought certain people into my life  - some are great friends and if nothing else than that is the good to present to you for an answer to your question.

However I am truly lucky as it goes one further -

Indirectly and through sharing my experiences of life with HIV (and that included the darkest moments of my life) I have found someone who loves me and knows me in ways that someone may never have known me before - because my coming to terms with my life with HIV was in fact me at my most vulnerable and most true and without pretense and barriers - it is that person who he has seen and fallen in love with.  I too can say the same of my love for him and known him and felt for him long before we ever spoke directly. 

This is something new for me, something amazing and dare I say for those who remember the genesis of my old screen name ...something Disney related (Insert mass moans and groans here) but damn it if I don't thank God, nature or just non-spiritual entity blind luck for me contracting HIV and being in a certain place at a certain time and meeting him.

I guess in summation - HIV hasn't really brought me dack shit - but LIFE itself which HIV has helped shaped - well - it's looking pretty damn good.

[allanq]

I used to hear people say that becoming HIV-positive was a "blessing," because it helped turn their lives around. Over all, that has not been the case for me.

I was diagnosed in 1988. I continued working until 1995, when medical stuff started to make it very difficult for me to cope with a full-time job. At that point, i went on disability, with encouragement from my doctor.

HIV has not brought a lot of good things into my life. I hate having my life depend on a healthcare system that is geared toward profits, not the welfare of patients. I've spent untold stressful hours on the phone with my health insurer, with my doctor's office, and with my medical group trying to clear up problems. Fatigue, peripheral neuropathy and lipoatrophy are problems that I live with each day. Over the years I've had a lot of problems with side effects from the drugs. I put up with painful Fuzeon injections for 3½ years. Fortunately, my current regimen is not causing me any major problems.

One good thing that came out of HIV is that it allowed me to leave a job and career that were very unsatisfying.

Being out of work was at first very uncomfortable. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. Over the years, I've learned how to occupy my time, to grow more appreciative of the world around me, and to become more comfortable with myself.

For most people, going on disability means loss of income and great financial hardship. I was extremely lucky that my last employer had good benefits and that I had a long-term disability policy with them to supplement my social security benefits.

Allan

[mjmel]

In short, my partner.  Potential new friends (September/AMG), but that's about it. Have executed a bunch of changes--decisions that lead to strenghtening my body defenses like quit smoking and staying as active as I can but I would have done those things anyway without the HIV status.
xxx,
Mike
(who really wants to simply write "Not jack shit!")

[Dan J.]

The best thing that HIV brought into my life is Herman, & I met him right here in this forum!

Dan J. 

[Queen Tokelove]

Hmmm, what good things has hiv brought me? It has made me more understanding towards people and things. I do appreciate life more. It has made me not tolerate people's bullshit before I would be more or less polite. But now I am more blunt and apt to call people on their shit. I guess you can say that is a good thing, right?

[otherplaces]

I quit smoking.
I run 4 miles/5 days a week...and enjoy it.
I cut back on drinking...no more hangovers.
I stopped hanging out with a bunch of loser self-centered musicians.
I got a job I don't mind getting up in the morning for.
I started reading comic books.
I bought a skateboard.


I miss sex.

[erasfred]

Also the value of time, and what I do with mine – what is important to spend time on and what isn’t. I could say the same of people – who is worth spending my time and energy on and who is not. And this is directly linked to reaching a level of honesty in me too. No more do I say yes when I really mean no, or the other way around. I don’t tolerate that which is not genuine any longer, including people.

You would not believe how many socalled freinds is not my freinds any more just because of that sentiment, But I have also learned to say to hell With them cause in a way they were never truly my freinds.

So in many ways being HIV positive has helped me discover who I truly am.

and how

And in that sense it has brought me deeper and more meaningful experiences, and more appreciation for life than I had pre diagnosis. I cry at the silliest things now – usually in private – and I laugh at lots of life too.

Sensitivity to and compassion for the hardships others face is another benefit. I can more readily empathise with the problems of other people, and in some cases I’ll offer what I can (if anything) to help them find their way instead of brushing them off or fearing their pain. After all, kindness costs nothing.

I also do not allow other peoples problems to become mine. I cannot afford that.

Daniel
[/qoute]

[MoltenStorm]

It may just be my nature of looking for the silver lining in any storm, but I think HIV has brought a few very good qualities into my life. Granted, I've only been positive for two years, so those that have had it longer might scoff at me, but oh well. They'll get over it.

I learned to appreciate the small things in life and that those are the elements that bring the most joy.

I learned to live in the here and now instead of missing out by always looking to the future.

I became a little less hard-hearted. I became more emotionally sensitive.

I have become a lot more mellow. Things that would have pissed me off before have no effect on me now.

I also had that idea of being untouchable - that seems to run rampant in youth - promptly shattered. Good riddance too.

I've always been a healthy eater, so that didn't change.

I haven't quite desired to give up smoking yet. That's my one vice that I may keep.

I hardly ever drink anymore. When you get drunk on a nightly basis from Atripla with no hangover in the morning, why drink? lol

The dating world kind of sucks because of stigma and ignorance.

All in all, HIV has had a lot of positive (no pun intended) effects in my life. I'm glad those changes came about.

[leatherman]

HIV has only had a negative effect upon my life. I lost my health, my partner, my friends, my job, my house, and the life I thought I was going to live. For many years, I was so sick that I even lost the ability to see much of anything positive in life.

However I am still the same person I was before HIV, so I handled the hard times the only way you can - one day at a time. By perserving, thinking good thoughts, taking my meds, and struggling through the hardships life laid in my way, I have battled against the depression, grief and illness. Sometimes my day could be brightened by simply realizing I had gone the whole day without barfing from side effects. Staying alive and getting out of the hospital after PCP was indeed a wonderful day!

Now with another partner, a new home, even more friends and  better health, I have retrieved some of my life that HIV took away. But, no, I just can't say that HIV has brought about any good in my life.

However, I do enjoy hearing that others, when unfortunately faced with their own mortaility, have made positive changes in their lives. Life is just too short (as I can attest by having watched my partner die a month before he could turn 30 (7/9)) to NOT try to wringe all the enjoyment you can out of it. Some days it's awfully hard to see any silver linings, but that just means that you have to look harder!

[red_Dragon888]

Anyway you guys rock with all the good advice. I'll try to not be so needy. I start CBT tomorrow at my university by a very young and very sexy dyklicious asian female with a soothing voice. I'm amped. And good riddens throat infection...thanks to azithromycin for killing it....but no thanks as well for making me so goddamned fatigued!

I think being needy is part of the process.  Just take care of yourself.

[dtwpuck]

My life changed because of HIV, not because I have it, but because of the people I've lost.

I loved Jimmie with all my heart, but I couldn't date a violent alcoholic.  I sent him back to California, where a few months after he got his positive diagnosis, he overdosed on GHB, probably deliberately.  He died alone.   I never felt like I got to say good-bye.

Thomas died kicking and screaming.  We used to lie on the bed together and play word games with languages.  We used to challenge each other by coming up with a word and seeing who knew that word in how many other languages.  Thomas played piano and composed a piece for me.   I tied him up once, and taught him how to count to ten in Russian, with a little assistance from a riding crop.  In return, he tied me up a few weeks later and made me learn to count to ten in a made up language.  When he was broke we used to go to the bar and play trivia, and win every time.  He never wanted to take meds.  To him it meant giving corporations money that they didn't deserve.  When he finally decided to take them, it was too late.   He died in mine and Donny's arms.    Most of the boots I own were his.    I learned from Thomas about what happens when someone's ethics blind them to the reality of life and death. 


I learned that people who suffer need to be understood and that each person's suffering is as intense to himself or herself as mine is to me.

I learned to appreciate my mother and father.   i learned to forgive them for being less than perfect.

I learned how to be a friend.

and I learned how to live for today. 

[steps]

What benefits? a good question I have been positive for over 17 years. There is an old saying .that goes something like this.
 "You never know what life is or how to live it until you know of your possible end."
To some that could be a depressing thought to others it is a valued lesson a gift of wisedom.
I have seen cared for and lost a lover to this. the death was a horrible disfiguring event. Was I next? Back in those days there were no real useful meds., Yet here I am. I thought at first way long ago "If this is to be my last days then those days I will spend being real to who I am and maybe help others by example?
I stopped viewing the TV news ( it is far to nagative a thing to watch).
i met new people who because I wanted nothing from them other to to just know them they responded by just getting to know me and wanting nothing else in return.
I have friends now I thought I would never find.
Over the past 14 years I have been to places I could only dream of being at .I do not have a lot of money I barely get by But though others and my own acceptance of myself Lfe has been the best it has ever been.
Will I life a long life? who knows but during that time I want to be remembered as a person of worth and that worth of myself comes from the long battle against my thinking I wasn't such a person.

[ndrew]

HIV has done nothing for me.  I have done all the work myself and am eating my Karmic fruits.  Yum.

Medicated into happiness...

Drew

[ACinKC]

I havent read any replies yet.  Just wanted to immediately chime in.

HIV has brought me more clarity in my life. 
It actually probably saved me in some ways. 
It has also brought me a wonderful wife whom I may never met had I not been diagnosed and reevaluated my life. 
It brought me closer to my family. 
It brought me closer to my best friend. 
It brought me HERE to this wonderful community and all my friends on here. 
It has expanded my view of the world and allowed me to be even MORE empathetic to others (except republicans who get what they deserve). 

All things considered (including the multitude of other bad diseases one can get) HIV has not been that bad on me as of yet.  I know I didnt live with it through the 80's and 90's witnessing the untold horrors it can unleash.  But as time changes so does the perspective.  Comparing having HIV now to having HIV then is apples and oranges I think.  Lots more options today.

So yeah.  Me and My cooties are pretty good buddies right now.  He just better not piss me off.

[allopathicholistic]

I guess my answer is "this n that" ... If it ever gets to the point where the good outweighs the shitty then I'll post again. Good thread tho. It's good to look for silver linings. I've got some and I think most of us do, we just have to be in the mood to reflect on them. What's dyklicious??? Oh goodness, pass the Geritol, I'm no longer fluent in "whippersnapperish" 

[sweetasmeli]

I already answered this question to a degree in a thread started by Cliff last December. I looked at what I wrote then to see if what I said still stands and realised it does. So I’ve cut chunks of my post from there and pasted them here:

I'm not a great believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason but I do believe - when I'm not struggling too much depression-wise - in finding/creating reason from most things that happen, especially the hard horrible stuff. I think it’s a much healthier coping mechanism than wallowing in the sadness of a situation.

For over 4 years (following my HIV diagnosis) I struggled to find meaning in what happened to me. I finally realised there actually wasn't any. It just happened. And it was up to me to create the meaning, the sense, the positive swing on what happened. So far I've come up with the following:

1. I'm more health conscious than I have ever been my whole life; maintaining good health is more important to me than anything else in my life.

2. My entire health is now monitored frequently by top consultants.

3. At least I know what's wrong with me – I can't imagine how many thousands of folk float through life without a clue that they may be sick or even dying (until they do!)

4. I've met some amazing people and made some great new friends, who I wouldn't have met had it not been for my diagnosis; I do wish I could have met them under different circumstances, but chances are, I probably wouldn't have.

5. Having hiv is teaching me how to appreciate life more.

6. Having hiv has made me readdress my priorities in life.

7. Having hiv has forced me to take a really long hard look at myself and take steps towards getting to know myself and, more importantly, liking and accepting who and what I am – something I've never done before – I just used to change my personality like a chameleon to blend in with or hide behind others.

I know it's a cliché - and even I'm hard pushed to see and accept this when I'm really in the pits of despair - but, my situation could be a lot worse. I believe positive things can be found from most situations if we're in a position to look and if we choose to see them.

Do I wish I didn't have HIV? Of course! That goes without saying.
Would I undo all the stuff that's come from me being HIV+? Some yes, some definitely not.

Melia

[BT65]

I enjoy life more today.  That constantly ending up in the hospital because of accidental overdoses, nervous breakdowns, etc. is done with.  I'm finishing getting my bachelor's in psychology (I have a year & 1/2 to go).  I truly love and accept my immediate family for who they are, not what they can give me.  I appreciate life more is what I should say, I guess.  I love spending time with my grandkids.  Even though my mom is dying, she constantly teaches me about life.  For all these things, I am grateful.  The down side, well, we all have our downsides.  It's nice to talk about something good.

[nunii]

made me get over me!  I was not a victim but a participator, made me realize that I already had everything I ever wanted, family, friends, life.

Got me closer to my mom but most importantly, I laugh more, tell the truth all the time wheather they like it or not and I especially don't apologize for being who I am.

I tell everyone who comes into my life immediately, those who stay deserve me, those who don't their lost.  I keep my friends very close and love with all that I am because when I am gone they will not remember that I was HIV positive but that I loved them...