Problem with dating

[blackbeauty40]

This is for all the women who have been out with negative men. Recently, I went out with a man who was negative. I always make it a point to let the men I date that I am poz, just as I did with this one. I let him know at the beginning of the date. We were together for almost a year and I just put up with his phobia of "catching aids". After a while he started asking personal questions about my 13 y.o. daughter, such as "was she still a virgin" and "would it be okay if he taught her about sex personally (he wanted to sleep with her). After I told him that he wasn't going to do anything with her, he started raping me. When I told him that I was going to report it, he stated that he could have me charged with attempted murder because "I didn't tell him that I was positive", which is a total lie because I told him on the first date before anything happened. Is there anything that I can do because this is really bothering me, I got the impression from him that he has done this before. I forgot to state that he works for the Chicago Police Department and he says that he knows all the loopholes so that I will definitely get convicted for this if he says so. Can someone please help me with this situation? P.S. I broke up with him in October.

[emeraldize]

If you want to pursue this, and believe me this would be a painful process for you, but if in your ethical heart you feel it important to do so, talk with a lawyer at length. You broke up last October. That's a long stretch to be thinking about such an undertaking, but I understand how it boils in your gut.

I disagree with his assertion that he would be believed and that he knows all the loopholes. There are ways to establish your credibility. And, truth still is truth and juries hear such trials. Your physician could testify about your adherence to meds, your self care, your conversations regarding disclosure and use of condoms. Do you have any former beau, lover or lovers, post-diagnosis, who would testify you told them you were positive before you began dating seriously or being sexually active? If so, that would aid in establishing your m.o. regarding disclosure. Any relationship you have with a case manager or ASO staff could help to bolster your credibility and attest to your knowledge of transmission, prevention, etc.

Is it your want to pursue a rape charge? Did you seek any counseling relative to this? How long did it persist? Did he use condoms when he raped you? Typically that does not occur in a rape setting, but it would prove he was aware he needed to protect himself. Did he do anything physical to your daughter? Is there any chance he did anything you're not aware of such as fondling that she may be uncomfortable discussing with you? That would be of greatest concern were I you, that he made it known he wanted to have sex with your daughter, virgin or not, he wanted to have sexual intercourse with a child. He is accustomed to delivering threats and would have no qualms delivering a threat to a child. Children often shield information about sexual molestation because they are threatened with further bodily harm or a threat is made to harm their parent(s).

Did he ever get tested for HIV in the time he dated you? Do you know anyone else whom he dated? Start to put together all of the information you know---and you know more than you think you know about him, about his habits, etc. I suggest this so that if you move forward, you bring as much to the lawyer as possible.

By talking to a lawyer, you would learn what her/his opinion is of the merits of your case, whether to pursue a criminal or civil suit and what would be involved. Being involved in a lawsuit is unlike any other experience and yours would easily get played out on a public stage. That is something else to discuss with your lawyer and how she/he would pursue the case and protect you and your child's names, etc.

It's complicated. But you alone must make such a big decision based on as much information as you can gather. It might be beneficial to speak to someone at your rape crisis center and get perspective from that angle.

Best of luck to you.
Em

[tendai]

what an a**hole!  its his ass that should be arrested. locked up for life..

[cjc]

Beauty, what a horrible situation.  I agree with everything Em said. If you were to pursue this, documentation would be key. If it were me, I think I would try to relocate if I was not going to press charges. To protect my daughter. This is about power and you might have more than you realize, especially if you can prove this.      Talk to your daughter and make sure he hasn't been at her, he sounds like a real slime. Also, do not blame yourself, just fix it, get some counseling, relocate, or file charges, just do something to take back your power.  Hope everything turns out okay. Cristy

[blackbeauty40]

I want to thank you all for your input. But for Em, yes he did use condoms each time he raped me. I am going to contact someone at a rape crisis center as well as a lawyer to find out what I can do. I did tell my case manager as soon as it happened and she, as well as others that know my status, know that I do disclose immediately when dating. Also, to let you guys know, he did not touch my daughter at all. I asked her repeatedly and she said that he never touched her. I really didn't give him the opportunity to be alone with her anyway, so I'm feeling better about that. Again, thank you guys for your input and support.

[cjc]

I want to thank you all for your input. But for Em, yes he did use condoms each time he raped me. I am going to contact someone at a rape crisis center as well as a lawyer to find out what I can do. I did tell my case manager as soon as it happened and she, as well as others that know my status, know that I do disclose immediately when dating. Also, to let you guys know, he did not touch my daughter at all. I asked her repeatedly and she said that he never touched her. I really didn't give him the opportunity to be alone with her anyway, so I'm feeling better about that. Again, thank you guys for your input and support.

                                                                                                              Beauty, so glad that he the opportunity to hurt your daughter and am so very sorry he was able to hurt you. I am like that with my son, he is never out of sight of me or my parents, well he goes to school and I worry then. Hope some healing and good things are coming your way. Cristy

[cjc]

                                                                                                              Beauty, so glad that he  DID NOT HAVE the opportunity to hurt your daughter and am so very sorry he was able to hurt you. I am like that with my son, he is never out of sight of me or my parents, well he goes to school and I worry then. Hope some healing and good things are coming your way. Cristy

                                     In the initial post I forgot to add those words. That will teach me to reread before I post. C

[emeraldize]

Hey Black Beauty (one of my favorite books as a horse-crazy kid)

Thanks for letting us know the details and most important, if you're inclined, would you let us know how you fare? Whether or not you decide to pursue this, you will need someone with whom to share what's in your head---be that a sister, mother, best friend. And, if they don't exist, bring it here.

If you do pursue this, and I'll not mince words, it can be a mind fuck. However, it can also be mind-saving. It might also prevent this from happening to his next victim. I pursued my case (not rape, but intentional infection) legally because I could, as I rarely can on most issues, envision ten years from then thinking "I should have tried." because it was a defensible case. And, in fact, it was--I won.

Best of luck to you, no matter what you do. To fact gather is key.

Em

[charred]

Hi. As former CPD I can assure you that what he says about "knowing loopholes" doesn't really hold up. In my opinion I think you should contact an attorney and explore your options. Him being an Officer should have no bearing. Good luck.