Author Topic: Broncoscopy Results/Am I horrible for thinking this? (Read 4867 times)

Christine · « **on:** December 23, 2006, 12:52:24 pm »

The doctor called yesterday with the results of the broncoscopy I had done on Wednesday. So far everything is normal. No pcp, no cmv, no cancer, no tb, all the rest of the bacterial, fungal, viral results were all negative too. There are still some cultures which were not ready yet, including the polyp they removed, but so far, so good.

At this point, pending the rest of the results are negative, they think it is a reactive airway. Meaning the cough started at one point probably from a viral infection, then my airway became inflamed which caused coughing, then the coughing caused more inflammation, then more coughing, then more inflammation...viscous cycle.

I still have pain in my ribs, diaphragm area, but it is getting better.

So, I wanted to share the good news with my am family. I am relieved, but feeling sort of odd. I was so prepared for hearing something really bad. I had a talk with the doctor before the broncoscopy asking what her opinion was if the results were bad, as to what I should do next.

Should I work to fight it? Or should I just say enough is enough, and let nature take its course, and choose quality of life over quantity. At that point they thought it was cmv in the lung, if that were the case it would have been really bad since I am already on the highest dose of first line therapy against cmv.

It is an odd feeling. I accepted that this could be the end. And now it is not, and life goes on with the everyday struggle of dealing with advanced hiv.

In a way I was almost relieved to think the everyday struggle would be over soon. Is that horrible to say? I have not said it to any of my family or even to my husband. They were all so glad the results were negative, and that I would be with them longer, I could not say that to them.

I don't want to die, but this past year has been bad. One thing after another. Five hospitalizations, two outpatient procedures, PICC lines, vomitting, weight loss, diarrhea, partial blindness, thrush...it has been bad.

Right now I need to focus on the fact that the study drug has dropped my vl to almost undetectable, and hopefully my immune system will start to rebound. I want to get better, but I am so afraid I won't, and the rest of my life will be like the last year.

But I feel so odd. I don't even know what I am feeling...
Christine

Longislander · « **Reply #1 on:** December 23, 2006, 12:58:34 pm »

Christine,

Im glad they haven't found anything to add to your list of problems. I can understand your secret (hope?) that all the fighting would be over soon. As I read, I kept thinking that it's not time for you. You have people there who still need you and want you.
There's a little light shining in the distance with the new study meds. Hopefully it's not that far off, and your health will rebound quickly.

I wish you a much better 2007, sweety.

Paul

RapidRod · « **Reply #2 on:** December 23, 2006, 01:13:06 pm »

Christine, try this and see if it helps.

Teresa · « **Reply #3 on:** December 23, 2006, 01:27:38 pm »

Christine,

I'm so glad they didn't find anything when they did that broncoscopy. 2007 is going to be a good year for you, i just know it. Its going to be a better year for all of us!

Hugs
Teresa

Andy Velez · « **Reply #4 on:** December 23, 2006, 01:31:09 pm »

No wonder you are tired and discouraged, Christine.

I will say that again and again I have seen others at a point where they sayd,"Enough!," and then things get turned around and they've really happy to get on with this crazy life.

So hang in there the best you can! We're all pulling for you.

Cheers,

Queen Tokelove · « **Reply #5 on:** December 23, 2006, 03:17:06 pm »

I am glad that all the tests came back negative. I can understand how you feel, I know I get tired of the bloodwork etc and I have not even walked a mile in your shoes. Try to keep your head up and hopefully 2007 will be a better year for you.

Robert · « **Reply #6 on:** December 23, 2006, 04:08:44 pm »

Christine.

The way 2006 went, no wonder you're feeling a little disappointed. I know I would feel the same way. I understand. But I guess this is someone's way to tell you to forget the old and know that the new year coming will be good all around. Gawd I hope so.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

robert

Life · « **Reply #7 on:** December 23, 2006, 04:38:46 pm »

Christine...

I think anyone would, and justifiably feel as you do... I hope that in time, the road will grow less slanted and allow you to just breath a sigh of releif.. For God sakes, you have been a trooper. kiss your Husband, hug your kids and find the serenity in today... "Don't think it, Don't speak it."

Love

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #8 on:** December 23, 2006, 05:48:49 pm »

Hugs to Christine!
Glad you got my pm, and you're welcome! I'm sorry girl but I'm in a bit of a loopy mood tonight and I can't for the life of me recap what I said in the original reply I was going to post (Christine knows what I mean!)

So I'll just say this: Thanks for all your support and advice this past 6 months. you have a lot of people who care about you and are rooting for you. You're way too much of a good strong cool chickie to give up on this.

So in answer to your question: Should I work to fight this?
Hell, YES girlie!

Hugs hugs and more hugs!

Melia

(who promises folk she hasnt smoked anything tonight...)

Christine · « **Reply #9 on:** December 23, 2006, 06:21:05 pm »

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for your thoughts. They brought tears to my eyes. I just have been in a whiny, feel sorry for myself mood.

Robert- You're right...I guess this is someone's way of saying you're not going anywhere just yet. I hadn't thought of it like that. Thank you for showing me that.

Rod- That is so funny you posted that! My husband has been buying those damn things for two months. I got so sick of them. I know he felt helpless, and thought they would help, so I would take them. But, yuck, after a while they were pretty gross.

Paul, Eric, Andy, Teresa- thank you, thank you, thank you

Queen- Thank you also, and it is good to hear from you!

Melia- I will fight. I guess I have to stick around to see what happens in the new year! Thanks for the pm, it meant a lot.

Christine

Eldon · « **Reply #10 on:** December 24, 2006, 03:49:49 am »

Yes, I AM Supporting You!

Hey Christine...

It is GOOD to hear back from you with an update on your situation. FIRST OF ALL HONEY---Don't you dare talk to yourself like that! You are better than that!

Now your QUESTION: "Should I work to fight it?" Honey...HELL YES YOU SHOULD!!! Now, there is your answer because I CARE.

Now, as far as your immune system is concerned, it WILL go on the rebound especially since you are close to undetectable. In the meantime, get well honey and TAKE CARE OF YOU!

We LOVE YOU! Please do keep us posted. Sorry for the little rant, I just care a whole lot and I don't want to see you this way...How do you say compassion? Yes.

"Don't You Dare Give Up, Don't You Dare Give In...Because It Is ALL Within YOU to WIN!!!"

heartforyou · « **Reply #11 on:** December 24, 2006, 04:04:15 am »

Christine,

How good to hear your tests came back negative.
I do understand your "wish" for the figthing to be over soon".

Most surely every individual who had to fight like you did would have the desire to have it all over with. I am sure you want to live, but enough is enough.

Let's say it is not your time yet.

hermie
who has been thinking the same lately. Enough is enough.

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #12 on:** December 24, 2006, 07:50:54 am »

Christine,

I am glad the results of the tests came back negative. While I know it is a relief to you, I also understand your feelings on the battle you have fought. It has been a difficult year for you, but look at things differently. You have the opportunity to see if 2007 will be better and I think that is something to be thankful for. I know with everything you have gone through it has made you tired and weary, but hey you are here... ultimately that is what is important.. I mean that is why you fought, right? Trust me I understand where you are coming from and I think those feelings have crossed many peoples minds. As long as you choose to continue fighting you have the opportunity to see what tomorrow brings... It may be grand and a bed of roses, who knows.... There is only one way to find out and that is to continue doing what you are doing. Christine we are the fortunate ones...

I hope 2007 is better for you. You deserve a break sweetie and I hope if I have to cross the bridges you have that you are here to lift my spirits and tell me to continue fighting.

Christine take care of yourself and enjoy the Holidays.

Thomas

bear60 · « **Reply #13 on:** December 24, 2006, 10:43:18 am »

Christine:
Hope you have a good Holiday. I understand what you said. It sounds like something I would do. I have planned my cremation and all that on numerous occasions. But I keep waking up in the morning!

Christine · « **Reply #14 on:** December 24, 2006, 10:58:17 am »

You are so wise. And thank you, I needed to hear all of that.

I am weary, but I will keep fighting. And Thomas is so right, how will I know what tomorrow brings if I don't keep fighting.

I think it would be an insult to those who have gone before me, fighting and screaming to the end, to just give up.

I don't want to disrespect the fight, the effort, the devotion, the sacrifice that they gave in order for me to live longer and healthier than they were given.

I will keep fighting.

Christine

Grinch · « **Reply #15 on:** December 24, 2006, 11:23:50 am »

I faced the same quality vs quantity question myself. I chose to live and I'm glad I did. Life may be much different now but hearing my wife singing a Christmas song as we work around the house... worth all the pain I endured. Those little "I would have missed this" moments make the pain all worth it. Merry Christmas

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #16 on:** December 25, 2006, 09:27:10 am »

Christine,

You have not insulted anyone.... trust those that are gone, the ones looking on in spirit fully understand. I know I understand. I am thankful you are here and your words in this thread definitely put things in perspective for myself. I hope things get better for you and I am proud that you are putting up the fight. I may need you one day to BOP me upside the head.. hell you can even quote me when doing so!! Lots of love and have a Merry Christmas!

Thomas

blondbeauty · « **Reply #17 on:** December 25, 2006, 01:49:16 pm »

Christine,

I am glad the results were so good. With your new treatment and your VL undetectable 2007 should be a much better year than this one.
I understand you can feel tired of fighting but you should never surrender. 7 years ago my father had toungue cancer in phase III. It had invaded his neck and part of his right shoulder.
Drs. said nothing could be done but he insisted in receiving an agressive treatment that was not recommended. His chances of survivig the treatment were less than 30%. The operation lasted 7.5 hours and he received irradiation during the procedure.
He passed his last medical examination 10 days ago and he is still "clean" of cancer. His quality of life couldn´t be better and he is enjoying every minute with perfect health.
Everything can be fixed except death. I will also fight to my last breath. There is nothing to loose.
Merry Christmas and happy 2007.

Oceanbeach · « **Reply #18 on:** December 25, 2006, 03:04:21 pm »

Merry Christmas Christine,

I was honored with a Bronoscopy once but, I already had PCP. Doc said it was elective and I agreed to have the test done IF, I was out cold for the duration of. The last thing I remembered was being wheeled into the exam room and everyone was wearing these orange masks. I said, "oh fuck, I have been kidnapped by Donald Duck and his three nephews." When it was over, I was alone with one of the nephews, being prepared to go back to my isolation room. I threw up on one of the nephews. That was 10 years ago and today I have managed to stay out of the hospital, maintain an average of 500 T-cells and an undetectable VL.

Somebody must prepare a festive holiday dinner for you and your family and I think that somebody is you... Have the best day
Michael

LatinAlexander · « **Reply #19 on:** December 25, 2006, 08:43:28 pm »

I am just a whimp.. YOU are a HERO!!!!

Alex

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Author Topic: Broncoscopy Results/Am I horrible for thinking this? (Read 4867 times)