I'm poz, he's negative - it's slowly driving me mad

[Slyther]

Perhaps there are members of this forum who are in the same situation as I am. If so, I would love to hear what you have to say.

I have been with my partner for almost nine years. I was diagnosed 7 years ago and according to my specialist, I was probably poz for a few years before I found out. I don't know how we managed it but my partner remains negative to this day. Here's the main reason for this posting: we stopped having sex entirely almost four years ago. It was my choice, not his. Even though I have maintained the elusive non-detectable status for many years and my t-cells are currently almost 900, I cannot bear the thought of infecting him. Even condoms do not put my mind at ease. Because of this, every time something even remotely sexual begins to happen, I pull away from him. He swears he's o.k. with this, yet I feel that it is completely unfair to him to have to live with a partner that he can only hug and kiss and cannot share complete intimacy.

We love one another truly and deeply - we are best friends. Yet I am constantly tortured by the fact that I cannot get past this overwhelming and incapacitating fear. He has long given up attempting to be amorous with me, yet he is so completely commited, I know he won't end the relationship. He is only 44 years old and is the sweetest, kindest, most gentle soul I have ever had the fortune of knowing. I feel like he deserves to have a partner that he can experience every facet of love and life with, not some celibate imitation of a sexual being. However, I cannot bear the thought of leaving him. Not so much because I cannot live without him - it would hurt for a long time but I would live on (I'm tough and have survived on this planet for 42 years). I stay with him because I know he would be crushed if I was to leave. This only causes me to feel that I have become crystallized; frozen, unable to alter the immense nothing that hangs between us, allowing it to  bleed into more nothing, and doing nothing at all.

I know his heart. I know he loves me, yet I cannot help but believe he would be better off with someone who is negative.
There is nothing in this world that troubles me as deeply as this dilemma. Someone, anyone.... please lend me some words of wisdom.

[rick21007]

Hey Slyther----I'm a poz like you with a neg. partner.  I experienced a lot of the same feelings in the beginning when I was first diagnosed, but mainly because of my partner's support and understanding and the fact that he was undaunted by my being positive as far as our sex life goes,  I was able to get past this.  But I struggled with feeling guilty and ashamed, feeling like damaged goods and angry at myself. And one thing I knew I could not live with was infecting him.

I'd seriously suggest you seek out a therapist who is _competent_ to deal with your issue, and I can't stress too much it needs to be someone who has the knowledge, background and training to deal with this.   I can tell you the run-of-the-mill therapist is probably not going to be much help.   There are pretty clearly some underlying issues because despite the research which runs contrary to your fears, and which you probably are aware, you are pretty stuck.   The good news is that you are facing it and that can be the biggest part of the battle, and you are looking for solutions.  And you oughta give yourself a pat on the back!!

Good luck and the very best to you both, and please keep us updated.

Rick

[ndrew]

Hi Slyther,

You are a wonderful person for being so caring and concerned for your partner.  You deserve his love.  I think Rick's advice about getting some professional help makes sense, perhaps some work on your fears using systematic desensitization- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graduated_exposure_therapy  Coming to an agreement with your partner about what is most comfortable and then slowly, gradually working up to that level of intimacy.

Kindest,
Drew

[GSOgymrat]

I agree with Drew. You may want to start by initiating sexual play that you feel comfortable with. For example something with zero risk, such as masturbation. Then gradually move on to things that that you perceive have more risk. A good therapist would be able to help.

[poet]

Welcome to the forums, Slyther.  Forgive my approach to a reply: it's the only way that I can try to keep exactly what you have said in mind:

You said: 'we stopped having sex entirely almost four years ago. It was my choice, not his.'  Ok, red alert for me on the 'we stopped' and 'my choice.'  I understand that each part of a relationship has the right to make decisions within it, but where was he in all of this at the time?  Think of changing jobs for one of you.  That's pretty much where one partner, the changer, has a bit more control than the other partner.  But buying a house?  That's where each of you should have an equal weight.  Same for sex which involves two.

You said: 'I feel that it is completely unfair to him to have to live with a partner that he can only hug and kiss and cannot share complete intimacy.'  Actually this is his call, not yours.  You can choose, as you have done, to withdraw sexually, but he can choose how he reacts to what you have done.  I wonder to what degree you are hearing him, allowing him into this conversation about sex.  And, yes, I do understand and support your concern about infecting him (or anyone else) and buy the argument that condoms can and do fail.

You said: 'Yet I am constantly tortured by the fact that I cannot get past this overwhelming and incapacitating fear.'  Here is where you need attention by someone on your issues, allowing you to bring them all up and out and then letting someone (therapist, whomever) turn them so that you can look at them in the eye as 'fear' and not as your fear.  That's how you start to get over them.

You said: 'I know he would be crushed if I was to leave.'  Well, again, what has he said about this.  Catharsis is going to come when the two of you, the two of you in this relationship look at such things in the face and not from a safe distance, assuming that this or that is true, that he feels this or that.  Let him tell you if he would or would not be crushed.

You said: 'I cannot help but believe he would be better off with someone who is negative.'  But, one more time, that's for him, not you, to say, right?  Yes, it's a shared decision, but you have to allow him to have his say about this, about sex or the lack of it.  Best, Win

[bear60]

Your post just made me sad. There is help out there...couples couseling and therapy.  You need to answer the question:   "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"  If what you want is to heal the relationship I think you can do that.

[ACinKC]

I and the wife are in this situation. Education education education are the only things that put our minds at ease.   We learned how and why the virus is transmitted.  We read Ann's condom and lube links.  We asked Dr's all kinds of quesitons. 

Now in all fairness we are TYPE A personalities and are alway up for a bit of a gamble.  We figure with the right precautions in place there is less than a %1 chance of me infecting her.  We can live with this cause we love each other.  It would hurt if I infected her but her soul and I are so intertwined with each other it would just bring us even closer like any hardship in a marriage SHOULD do.  I do worry, but not to the point of paralyzing our relationship.

The other key factor is COMMUNICATION between you two.  Always talk about it, but more importantly LAUGH about it.  Make sex fun again.  I labeled my virus "cooties" it allows us to talk about it with a smile on our face which is half the battle.

If you would like to talk to me just PM me and I can elaborate more.....

[Ral24Guy]

I was in a very similar situation with my last partner of 6 years.  I became poz after being in the relationship about 3 years.  We never used protection because neither one of us knew that we had anything to worry about.  To this day, he is still negative.  He even still tells me that if he had become poz, it would not change how he felt about me and it definitely would not make him hate me.  I know that you would hate to feel responsible for infecting him, but you have to to educate yourself and him about safe sex.  Don't give up on the things that your heart needs, and his also.  Communication and Education can win this battle.  Hang in there!

[Christine]

Hi Slyther,
I am +, my husband is not. We have been married for 12 years. I found out I was poz when we were dating. I was very afraid in the beginning, and did not want to have him touch me. But with education, and seeing a therapist, things improved greatly.

Have you talked to your doctor about your fears? Do you think it is related to anxiety? Or could it be a medical condition? Or a side effect of a med which is decreasing your libido?

Perhaps going to joint counseling to help with the anxiety, and to learn how to become intimate again.

And welcome! It sounds like you guys have a wonderful relationship.
Christine

[rick21007]

Slyther---I was just re-reading your post and the responses that followed.

I sincerely hope you will follow through and start individual and couples counseling.  I'd be willing to bet--just my gut feeling the fear of infecting your partner might be a red herring.

Sounds like you guys have a very strong relationship to build on.  It's the strengths that really matter in the end.  I can tell you from my own experience with the man in my life that adversity we face together brings us closer than anything else ever could.

Best,  Rick

[red_Dragon888]

kool

[Slyther]

ACinKC, I truly appreciate your reply. It seems you've really done your homework. Rick, there is no "red herring." We wouldn't have made it 9 years if there other underlying issues. Our love for one another is stronger today than it has ever been. Thank you all - everything that was offered was good advice. I have much to think about and discuss with my partner.

[Eldon]

Hi Slyther, my name is Eldon and I am also HIV positive. You are not alone with this unfortunate circumstance that has taken place in your life. Communication is key.

Here you will find acceptance, understanding, communication, support, some cries, some laughter and much more. This site is infused with a lot of good information in order to HELP you with any questions that you may have on HIV/AIDS.

From my personal experience here, this is a great group of individuals who will listen as we as answer back to you. I have learned so much more by being here with my interaction with the others.

A few suggestions to HELP you on your Journey:

1. A Positive Mental Attitude
2. A Good Exercise Routine
3. A Good Balanced Diet
4. A Good Strong Support System

Feel free to browse through the many variations of topics here and also share with what is on your mind.

Welcome to our community.