the prodigal son returns, with an issue about an affair

[CalvinC]

Hi all.

I've been away for awhile, and came back. A new issue!

For those of you who have been here for awhile, you may remember: last May 2006, I tested poz for hiv. The guy I was seeing dropped me immediately. It was very painful, to say the least. Being here on the forum was a great help (and meeting some of you in Montreal that summer was a treat!).

Well, I did survive! (In fact, I have had lunch with the ex a couple of times. He ended up apologizing on his own volition. How about that?!) The situation, in terms of my mental health, got a bit worse in Sep, but then it resolved itself, and by Nov I was fine. And then...

And then I met this guy, around Mar, who is in a LTR. Some unhappiness with his partner, but not unbearable. I knew from the get-go that this would be wrong. And indeed, over the past 10 months I have tried to break it off many times. (So often, that it is sort of a running joke with us.) I am in a 12 step program and I am diligently trying to come to terms with this. Love is definitley there, and we are honest and upfront.

Yet in my most recent effort, I gave him a Christmas present with a brief letter, more or less taking responsibility for my own actions but that I really needed to resolve the situation and that I needed him to help me do it. We had lunch today, and then we went back to my place. We talked it through, and he said that he could not decide so what is left for him is to try to make it work with his partner. Tears all around, no recrimination, but I got through it. We left off deciding to keep our discussion open, no hasty conclusions. He would like to be friends, but I keep reminding him that we've tried this a million times and "friends" does not work.

On one hand I feel immense relief. On the other, I am scared sh*tless about the nights ahead, alone, no one in my life. Yes, I have been single before, but back then I used to screw around like crazy in order to alleviate the loneliness. But since I tested poz and got dumped, no more. That part of my life is over. This guy was so accepting of me (he is neg, didn't bat an eye about my status, a complete reversal of the other situation), and so it is hard to let go.

Question: am I stupid for wanting to maintain contact? I am in such pain right now I cannot think straight. I am trying to do all the 'do' things, like get involved with other people, get busy with my job, and so on. But the future seems so barren. This guy, despite the wrongness of it all, is a quality person (yes, even despite the fact that he cheated on his partner, though he did tell the partner about us at one point).

Help!

Cal (aka Andrew)

ps My numbers are great, a constant 700 CD4 and VL 1200, with excellent percentages. I am counting my blessings!

[BT65]

Hey Calvin:

Congratulations on your numbers.  About the other situation......  I don't have an error-free past by any means, so I don't know if I'm really in a position to give sage advice.   I also am in a 12-step program.  And I do try to live by the principles and kind of a new found set of, do I dare say, morals?  Hmmmm..   I've been on both ends of that situation-the one doing the cheating and the one being cheated on.  Neither time did it feel good-at all.  And anymore, when confronted with a decision, I always ask myself what is the right thing to do? 

Nights alone can be hard to get used to at first.  But you will probably feel a lot better about yourself.  And I'm only saying this because you brought it up, so it must bother you.  I get movies, read, keep myself busy.  Do you have no friends?  Find things to do to keep yourself busy.  The night thing you'll get used to.   I hope you continue to check in here with us.

[dgr20002]

I would just briefly say let him go have a life with his partner. If you stay in the picture it just confuses things. You say you felt relief. Immense relief are your words. Go with that. If that's what you feel then that is more than likely right in this situation. If you're lonely get a pet :-) I got myself two and they are a joy! Nights come and go and you are asleep most of the night anyway. The part you are awake I am sure you can find things to do to keep yourself busy.

Good luck,

David

[Buckmark]

Question: am I stupid for wanting to maintain contact?

I would not say you are stupid for wanting to maintain contact.  As long as you realize that doing so means you will be right back in the same circumstances with him, and you are OK with that.  Meaning that he will stay with his partner, and he will be with you "on the side."   I don't see any mention that he's considered leaving his partner to be with you.  Which kinda leaves you in limbo, unless you are OK with being "the other man".   It all comes down to what you want.  If you want a boyfriend or long-term partner, then being with this man is in all likelihood a waste of your time.  And while you may love each other, is the relationship heading in a direction that you want?  If not, then it is time to break it off -- love or not.

Regards,

Henry

[LatinAlexander]

Hey Andrew: I was in exactly the same situation 6 months ago. I completely relate to you. I know how difficult is to get going. And I will not be condescending with you: This thing is ROUGH.

Do we deserve what "falls from the table"? Was I so desperate for some loving and caring person in my life, that it would be ok for me to be "the other man", just receiving the times he could not spend with his partner? I guess I was. I guess I still am. Damn it, the guy I was with was great. The perfect man. BUT he had a life. And I was a square trying to fit in a circle.

I decided to be very open to him: Let him know how much I loved him. But that loving him, was killing me. And yes, buddy, I tried to  be "just friends". Guess what?: I ended always getting hurt. It was not his fault: That was my decision, those were the consequences. We lost all contact. And let me tell you: I still remember him dearly. I cannot forget his hands, his words, his voice. Or the things he liked, or the places on which we were together. And many times, I still cry, missing him.

I had to hold on to the idea that perhaps, maybe, one day, there is one man out there, that will love me, and I will love. So that we can share our lifes together. Someone who gill give its everything for me, and for whom I would not be afraid of give anything. And that is what keeps me going. And that is the thought that I make myself bring to my mind, on those nights you talk about: When your bed is simply a vast ocean of loneliness, when the phone doesn't ring, when the email doesn't come, when my tears wet my pillow.

Big hug man. And do whatever you feel like doing.

Alex

[mjmel]

Hey Calvin (Andrew)!
Apparently, you're a survivor.
Some advice: While you're counting your blessings these days do leave room for more. That is, don't set yourself up for more heartbreak.

a hug for you-
Mike M

[CalvinC]

Thanks for all your kind messages. I thought as much that I should cut off contact.

Only he got to that first. I just got, of all things, a text message from him, saying that contact for now isn't a good idea. Then he spews the "you deserve it all" crap. Now THAT offended me. Like, stuff the f*cking cliches.

I am just burning with anger now, and I have to live with that. Say a prayer for me.

Thanks again guys. You are all very generous in your comments.

Cal (Andrew)

[Grasshopper]

Thanks for all your kind messages. I thought as much that I should cut off contact.

Only he got to that first. I just got, of all things, a text message from him, saying that contact for now isn't a good idea. Then he spews the "you deserve it all" crap. Now THAT offended me. Like, stuff the f*cking cliches.

I am just burning with anger now, and I have to live with that. Say a prayer for me.

Thanks again guys. You are all very generous in your comments.

Cal (Andrew)

Being angry is just your Ego acting up. Be glad one of you did the sensible thing.

Most important now is; that you're FREE

Hope you find some comfort in this song :  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5H0JNIhne1s

Best wishes

[BT65]

Cal, you'll get over the anger.  And anger is usually a secondary emotion anyway-there's usually something else there.  Probably in your case it's hurt.  Maybe you had it in the back of your mind to end it, but really weren't going to and he beat you to it.  Just know, you'll survive and probably be happier in the long run.
Peace-

[Andy Velez]

Cal, it's good to hear from you and that your numbers are so good.

The romance and relationship thing -- I think he's actually done you a favor by making the decision for no contact. Otherwise it becomes like Mr. C. Porter wrote, "Everytime we say goodbye I die a little..," which is not a good way to live, at least not in my experioence. It has elements of excitement but as a steady diet it gets old.

Getting through the separating IS hard. Work on keeping yourself busy with other things. As for the future and your fears about it, you can deal with the future when you get to it. Work on making today as good as possible. That'll be good prep for a happier future.

And come in here more often if you feel like it and keep us posted on how it's going.

Cheers,

[CalvinC]

Thanks Andy, and all.

I thought the anger was going to consume me the other day. It didn't. But it was tough.

This morning, I woke up to it. And then, when my mood brightened, I did what needed to be done: I took the rest of things he gave me--cards, cd's, a book, a silly gift from his daughter--and put them, along with other mementos, in a box, and then put the box in my storage closet. In a few months, once I get some perspective, I will give these things away.

The anger turned into a deep sadness. I came to the office and got on my computer and deleted all the messages I had in an email folder. I have already deleted saved text messages and voice mail messages. It is done.

I knew this day would come, I guess, but it doesn't make it easier. But what gift: the gift now to work on making myself a better person. I am blessed to be starting the new year moving forward.

Thanks to all of you here; best of the new year!

Andrew

[BT65]

Andrew, so good to hear you're doing alright!  The initial time away from someone is the hardest.  But, you know what you need to do.  That's great!  Happy New Year to you also.