POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: skeebo1969 on May 08, 2011, 04:09:32 pm
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The last two months have been a struggle. This past week has been the worst. I can't eat or sleep. I try to stop thinking about the separation but it consumes my thoughts 24/7. I've tried to get out, but all I want to do is crawl into my cave (home) and cry.
This is a bad one... don't know exactly how I am going to manage this pain.
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I'm thinking of you Tommy ....I know its easy to say this will pass but hang in there.
Lots o hugs......robt
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Thomas,
Get thee to a doctor or therapist before the depression gets worse. There is a way through this but you won't find it on your own.
MtD
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Take care of yourself Thomas....we're all pulling for you.
HUGS my friend,
Alan :-*
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hang in there brother, get help if you need it, no shame there
you've lent me your support a few times, and it was much appreciated
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I hope you try and get out of the house .
Please find someone to talk with .
I am sorry you are feeling this way , Like Robert said " It will pass "
That sounds cold . But know we are all here for you .
All i can offer is a hug :-*
Carl
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Oh Tom, I feel for ya. Women can be really strange sometimes can't they? I know, as I am one of them. I don't really know the situation here but I urge you to try and talk with someone about this. Letting your thoughts run 1000 miles per hour all the time isn't a good thing. Dwelling is getting you no where but I know if it were me, I would be wanting answers and explantions too. Sometimes we have to learn how to move forward without the answers we are desperate for. I hope I am making sense here. Just know that I feel for you and am also quite familiar with the deep wounds love can make. I'll be hoping for brighter days to come to you. Hugs
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Thinking of you--- Please listen to the wise ol' Damned one -- he gives great advice here. Don't take this on alone.
Hugs,
Mike
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(((HUGS THOMAS)))
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Tom, you will make it through this. It is a difficult moment but you are going to get by.
A therapist is the ideal person to see at this moment, trust me on that. Still, you know well that if ya need to talk you've got my number.
Sending you a hug and wishing you well.
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Hang in there, Thomas. But MtD is right: get to a therapist.
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Yes, Thomas, please go see a counselor. You need some emotional support besides us, and someone you can let it all out with. It will pass, but it will pass easier if you see a professional.
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Hope today is better, take care of yourself.
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Hey T -
You have a lot of support here - I definitely know that it can be hard and seem insurmountable.... and there is no pain like your own - so, I can only agree with many of the others here and say that you should go and talk with someone. Therapy is actually the best gift you can give yourself. You are definitely on my thoughts. You have my number also, feel free to call (and of course, I will be giving you a call).
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Hey Guy,
I have nothing to offer to make the pain subside. I just want you to know that no matter what you feel, you have my utmost support and if I can help in any way, please let me know. We both know that you need to find some help in dealing with this. True strength comes when we can admit that some things are beyond our ability to confront alone. This is one of those times, so be strong.
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(((Skeebs))) I am sorry you going through this. I hope you can find someone to talk to, it helps alot to get it out in the open and off your chest.
To get yourself out of the house, are there places that you can take your doggy for a long walk down there? Some days I rather just be with my dogs, it is amazing how unconditional love thier love can be and he might help to pull you through.
Be strong!!
XOXO
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Skeebo:
I really can't offer anything to say as everyone else has pretty much said it all. I hope that you are able to find your way back into the light soon.
And as you know, you have lots of support here.
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Take action.
It will only get worse if you don't. I have been there. Therapy saved my life.
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Talk to someone, mister. And soon. It doesn't get (consistently) better, otherwise.
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thomas
please take Matty's advice, he is wise.
so sorry to hear your going thru this, if you ever want to chat give me a ring. numbers still he same.
so very sorry bro
Lucas
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Thanks everyone for the concern and well wishes, trust that it is much appreciated. I've been through despair before, but nothing like Sunday night. It was as if something snapped. My ex-wife from 16 years ago called the police... and I don't remember much. They took me to a crisis center/mental ward about 75 miles away.
I have some follow-up appointments with a psychologist next week. Once again, thanks everyone.
T
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I'm sending hugs your way... Hoping for the best for you! As always, we are all here for you should you need anything.
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(((HUGS)))
Sending more hugs your way Thomas! :-*
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I'm glad you are getting help Tom. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know the pain is unbearable sometimes, but once you get through it...well, I know you've heard it before.
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Skeebo,
I agree with everyone else, find a shrink, it's helped me. A big bowl of triple chocolate ice cream, and having that good cry can help too.
Michelle
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Skeebo,
Wishing you the best.
Please take care of yourself.
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Tomas, I've been where you are before, this all came to a very bad head about 12 yrs ago, I ended up on 72 hour mental health hold, when I had a very bad melt-down, hang in there my man,
I can tell you this, it will get better, but it will also take some time as well
sending you out the love & support and healing your way ;)
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Thomas, you actually ARE getting through this even though it may feel overwhelming and all encompassing.
I've never found there is any easy solution. Just keep breathing and keep talking. Eventually this time is going to become history and you'll still be here.
Hugs and cheers, buddy.
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I thought the period after my diagnosis would rank as one of the most difficult times in my life, it pales in comparison to this. While it may have been a catalyst to my current state, I am not so sure the separation is entirely to blame. To be honest I think this is my depression left unchecked that has caused everything in my life to fall apart. Not sure if I am making sense, my mind does not seem to work right yet.
I wish they hadn't made the appointment for the therapist so far off, I hunger for answers right now... my short term memory is blitzed and I'm not sure what to make of it.
And sadly, on Sunday night, I attempted suicide... this is just not me. I can't really seem to figure it out yet. I think I lost my mind. I am still in a precarious situation and just trying to maintain for the time being.... but it is better I guess.
I thank you all for the concern.
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And sadly, on Sunday night, I attempted suicide...
Thomas, please dont do this ^. Won't you please call 911 if you get to this point again? Maybe you think the hospital cant help you if you get to this point, but the Paramedics and the hospital staff are trained to help you in this type of situation, and they will be glad to do so.
Or pick up the phone and call one of us.
Or Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. Just let them try to help get you through the moment so that you can live another day - so that your cure will be able to save you
Check out this site..http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm it's crisis intervention via email (in case you dont want to call someone) until you can get a face to face with your therapist. why not send them an email now?
Please dont let it get to this point again.
We love you very very much.
-Will
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Thomas, please dont do this ^. Won't you please call 911 if you get to this point again? Maybe you think the hospital cant help you if you get to this point, but the Paramedics and the hospital staff are trained to help you in this type of situation, and they will be glad to do so.
Or pick up the phone and call one of us. Or Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255.
Please dont let it get to this point again.
We love you very very much.
-Will
I know Willy, I know.... humbly said: that was then, this is now.... I really can't form the thoughts as to the difference from where I was then and where I am now, but there is a difference... I am working on it.
(((hugs)))
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Hang in there buddy ... like Willy said , you can call me any time day or night .
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Skeebs
Sending my support and hugs. Please do as Willy says and call 911 if by chance you feel like doing something to yourself. With depression and other mental illnesses, the urge to "end it" is common but most people don't really want to die - they just don't know what else to do to escape. It is scary when you can't espcape your own head and self medicating is usually the way most people go which compounds the problem.
Paramedics and ER workers are trained in how to deal with this which doesn't always lead to being commited or anything frightening like that which is what most people fear. I attempted to take my own life a few years ago when I was in a dark place but thank God I called 911. I don't think I was ever treated so nicely by people in the health care profession and there was some real change that came after it.
PM me if you need to talk more about it. I have been there.
Pete
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Tomas, suicide isn't the answer, think of what that would do to your family, they just won't get any answers as to why, I have some drugs I can take if things get too WIRED for me, when the walls start to close-in on me, I got my BENZO'S and TRAZODONE, they are not antidepressants, as those are what lead to me having a melt-down, if you can try to get your appointment moved up sooner, it's worth a try, wishing you all the love and healing your way, please take care of YOU Tomas, right now that is of the utmost importance ;)
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tomas.....
Wish I had the magic words but for now lots of x's and o'
robt
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Thomas,
There's really nothing new I can add that hasn't already been said. We are all here for you should you need us. No doubt any one of us would be more than willing to talk anytime you need, and based on personal experience, calling 911 helped tremendously, so please keep that in mind. Sending hugs and love your way!
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Yes, your post above makes a lot of sense to me. Unchecked depression can - and often will - do just that.
I'll join the others: hang in there, T.
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Hey
I Have a great way to remember to put an H in THomas' name forever more.
H can stand for Hugs and wHole lot of us are sending tHem your way.
Fruity Old THang
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Hey
I Have a great way to remember to put an H in THomas' name forever more.
H can stand for Hugs and wHole lot of us are sending tHem your way.
Fruity Old THang
I think Dennis is trying to bring out my Latin influence from Miami is all..... mi llamo es Thomas'... es facil, no?
Hugs back at you Em...
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Skeebs
Sending my support and hugs. Please do as Willy says and call 911 if by chance you feel like doing something to yourself. With depression and other mental illnesses, the urge to "end it" is common but most people don't really want to die - they just don't know what else to do to escape. It is scary when you can't espcape your own head and self medicating is usually the way most people go which compounds the problem.
Paramedics and ER workers are trained in how to deal with this which doesn't always lead to being commited or anything frightening like that which is what most people fear. I attempted to take my own life a few years ago when I was in a dark place but thank God I called 911. I don't think I was ever treated so nicely by people in the health care profession and there was some real change that came after it.
PM me if you need to talk more about it. I have been there.
Pete
Thanks Pete for sharing your experience. You're right, truth is I don't want to die but living at that point (on sunday)seemed even worse than death itself. It's hard to explain. I hope others who have been ignoring their depression can get some kind of message from this, dunno what though... This is something that has been dwelling in me since 2001, long before diagnosis and wife heading for the hills. It's been a destructive force in every aspect of my life, don't know why I ignored it for so long.
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I think Dennis is trying to bring out my Latin influence from Miami is all..... mi llamo es Thomas'... es facil, no?
Hugs back at you Em...
:-* it's my urban nor-cali latino & Black influence I guess ;D sup homey ;)
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:-* it's my urban nor-cali latino & Black influence I guess ;D sup homey ;)
(http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lg0ta784PY1qafrh6.gif)
(hope this at least brought a smirk to your face, Thomas. :D)
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Thanks Pete for sharing your experience. You're right, truth is I don't want to die but living at that point (on sunday)seemed even worse than death itself. It's hard to explain. I hope others who have been ignoring their depression can get some kind of message from this, dunno what though... This is something that has been dwelling in me since 2001, long before diagnosis and wife heading for the hills. It's been a destructive force in every aspect of my life, don't know why I ignored it for so long.
Maybe you ignored it, because you were just not ready to hear the truth. I have been where you are now and all that matters now, is for you to find some help and go from there. We both know that suicide solves nothing, however it is a powerful call for help. You know that you don't feel right, mentally and that is always a good sign, because you realize that you still have control. Right now, you just need to be good to you and do things that bring you joy. Tommy, it's time to drop the world from your shoulders, even only for awhile and take care of you. I really feel for you, as I know how black the darkness can become. But you have stepped back from the darkness and you need to find some help, before you return to discover the source of the darkness.
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Thomas, please take Wumpy's advice about calling 911, or doing that online thing. We don't want to lose you, especially to suicide.
I've attempted suicide. I've got the scars on my arms to prove it. My mother, rest her soul, actually found me, and she told me she started cleaning me up (there was blood everywhere) while waiting for the paramedics to get there. She did get tested after that.
But the thing is, it affected my daughter, and my family and friends in a pretty nasty way. It took a lot of apologizing on my part, and took a bit of time, before people trusted me again (I don't know if that makes sense). Especially my daughter, it left her feeling empty, and like total shit. And that wasn't fair.
Please get yourself some help sooner than your therapy appointment if need be. I'm counting on this.
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Thanks Betty
Yesterday I called them to move the appointment up to Monday. I thought it was for next Friday but it was actually on Wednesday as Rev Moon pointed out to me over the phone. I can't wait that long.... so it is now on Monday.
Thomas
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Skeebo,
Hugs, love, kisses and good thoughts for you.
My grandma always told me that when I was feeling bad.
Michelle 8)
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Just awesome.
I just got back from my 10 am appointment, and as one can tell by the time here on the east coast, it didn't happen. As I was filling out the paperwork, specifically answering the question of when I first talked and walked as a baby, the receptionist informed me of the $102 payment needed per session. This is with insurance of course, so what the hell?!?!
I explained to her that the facility I was in felt it necessary because of a suicide attempt last weekend. She told me I could contact TriCounty which offers services on a sliding scale for those without insurance. That's the problem, I have insurance... I am also still married so they count the income still as part of my household. And we don't qualify....
I should have knocked the office's fancy waterfall rock display over.......
No lie, but this is quite the let down... :(
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Tomas, is there anything your local ASO can do, it's worth a try :)
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As I was filling out the paperwork, specifically answering the question of when I first talked and walked as a baby, the receptionist informed me of the $102 payment needed per session. This is with insurance of course, so what the hell?!?!
I explained to her that the facility I was in felt it necessary because of a suicide attempt last weekend. She told me I could contact TriCounty which offers services on a sliding scale for those without insurance. That's the problem, I have insurance... I am also still married so they count the income still as part of my household. And we don't qualify....
UTTER BULLSHIT!
The greatest Nation on Earth (or at least we used to be), and we let this crap happen? ugggghhh!
I'm not sure how all this works Thomas, but like Den said, can you call your ASO and relay all this to them?
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Negative on the ASO, there are none in my area and all pozzies without insurance use the local health department like I use to. My wife and I make too much annually to qualify for any sort of assistance while not making enough to pay for it on our own, even with insurance. (i'm currently unemployed)
And the matter of me not working right now, well.... doesn't matter, because her income still counts towards the household because we are married.
So I plan on doing what I've been doing for the last week, getting out more, staying busy and looking for work. I've also sought guidance through another source, and have gained some insight on things through that.
But, while I know I am a good person, I have many issues I have always wanted answers to and I thought this was going to be a road of discovery of sorts perhaps. I have no answers to this ticking clock of anxiety that has haunted me all my life... and my temper??? It's 0-60 with no in between..
Dunno, it is what it is I guess.
For what it's worth though guys and gals, I'm am ok.
Thomas
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For what it's worth though guys and gals, I'm am ok.
Thomas
That's worth allot Thomas ;D .
I experienced the same problem when I was in a cirsis once . I found plenty of doctors willing to prescribe antidepressants but very little in the way of talk therapy , it was very frustrating and the timing couldn't have been worse . I hope you keep searching for what you need and begin to feel better .
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Thanks Pete for sharing your experience. You're right, truth is I don't want to die but living at that point (on sunday)seemed even worse than death itself. It's hard to explain. I hope others who have been ignoring their depression can get some kind of message from this, dunno what though... This is something that has been dwelling in me since 2001, long before diagnosis and wife heading for the hills. It's been a destructive force in every aspect of my life, don't know why I ignored it for so long.
Personally, I tend to think of the ignoring as symptomatic of the illness itself - in the way that self-medicating is also often symptomatic. At least it was for me. On one particular day in memory, I sat with a phone book open to listings for mental health professionals for an entire day - and the sun still set without a single one ever being called. A counselor who helped me tremendously once described it this way: Depression, as a condition, feeds on itself and tries to sustain itself.
It will be a destructive force in every aspect of your life if left untreated. It's just the natural progression of the disease. I'm not a professional, of course. I'm just someone who has been through it, and that is how it seems to me.
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Personally, I tend to think of the ignoring as symptomatic of the illness itself - in the way that self-medicating is also often symptomatic. At least it was for me. On one particular day in memory, I sat with a phone book open to listings for mental health professionals for an entire day - and the sun still set without a single one ever being called. A counselor who helped me tremendously once described it this way: Depression, as a condition, feeds on itself and tries to sustain itself.
It will be a destructive force in every aspect of your life if left untreated. It's just the natural progression of the disease. I'm not a professional, of course. I'm just someone who has been through it, and that is how it seems to me.
I've been in just about the same situation - only it was a webpage with a listing of psychiatric services in my area that took Medicare. It was also the same day, New Year's Eve 2010, that I attempted to overdose on prescription painkillers. I ended up waking up with a head full of pain and regret the next morning, on January 1st, 2011. What thunter34 said about it feeding on itself is absolutely true. Misery loves company. And the company has overstayed their welcome... Time to kick them out!
As always, I hope for the best for you, Thomas.
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I think you'll be ok Tomas, it takes a man to admit this, and a bigger one to acknowledge any of it, like you PANIC & ANXIETY has hunted me for many yrs. I take meds for this, but I know it's only a short term fix
it still makes me angry about what you have to pay for this HELP ???
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Skeeb-
I am sorry you are going through so much shit trying to talk to someone. I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better!! That is good news indeed!!
Keep your head up
J
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Dear Thomas,
I have just come across the thread, so sorry for the pain you are going through. Keep searching for the help you will use to help get you back on track and please no more suicide attempts, From the time I joined the forums I loved your humour and care realizing how hard won they are. When you started nurse training it fitted so well. So I hope that things are calmer, gentler and you are working towards having the constructive life you have fought to establish.
One love
Michael theyer
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and my temper??? It's 0-60 with no in between..
How I've missed this until now...???
Thomas the temper from zero to sixty is one I can relate to. It's my worst personality trait. (when in the throes of depression) Scares the shit outta me sometimes. Has me wondering at times, who's the guy in the mirror. What's perplexing is I'm as laid back as a man can be. So, for me, temper is my number one indices for depression. I take a couple of pills and worry less who is going to roll out of bed in the AM. Not that I like taking another pill though but the alternative is far worse.
Kudos for taking the steps to get this handled. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.
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Thanks Jeff, Tim, Dennis, and Snow for the support and kind words.
Dear Thomas,
I have just come across the thread, so sorry for the pain you are going through. Keep searching for the help you will use to help get you back on track and please no more suicide attempts, From the time I joined the forums I loved your humour and care realizing how hard won they are. When you started nurse training it fitted so well. So I hope that things are calmer, gentler and you are working towards having the constructive life you have fought to establish.
One love
Michael theyer
Thanks Theyer, that's very kind of you and to be honest I've always felt the same about you.
One love~ I & I
How I've missed this until now...???
Thomas the temper from zero to sixty is one I can relate to. It's my worst personality trait. (when in the throes of depression) Scares the shit outta me sometimes. Has me wondering at times, who's the guy in the mirror. What's perplexing is I'm as laid back as a man can be. So, for me, temper is my number one indices for depression. I take a couple of pills and worry less who is going to roll out of bed in the AM. Not that I like taking another pill though but the alternative is far worse.
Kudos for taking the steps to get this handled. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.
DT,
It's the same thing here, I am a very laid back person... but when the anger hits, I smell blood and it's time to clear out.. The doctor did prescribe me Remeron which definitely helps with the anxiety, but does nothing for the temper. I think that's where therapy and perhaps other things I've taken up will come into play, hopefully.
Thanks for sharing homie...
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Hey Skeebs -
I was on Remeron a few years back when I was going through a period of depression ----
it will give you the munchies --- I was on it for around 90 days --- with the help of a good therapist I was able to put somethings in place that helped me cope better with things going on -- the Remeron helped me to get over the hump.
Keepin you in my thoughts.
-Phil
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Hi Tomas
Re the anger and temper thing.
I have behaved in hospital in such a manner that the sound off nurses calling SUCURITY made me wonder if that was actually one off the names my parents gave me.
Fortunate for me another person who knew me always saved me.
m
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Oh yes, Remeron will make you blimp up -- then you'll be depressed that you're fat. But at least it doesn't cause limp dick, and it makes you sleep like a baby. Oddly it's more sedating at a lower dose than a higher one.
If you ever encounter the joys of HIV wasting it is useful. My first weekend taking it I ate half of a large apple pie, in addiction to two servings of dinner. For a daily stoner like Thomas I'd say tread carefully on the carb intake.
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Oh yes, Remeron will make you blimp up -- then you'll be depressed that you're fat. But at least it doesn't cause limp dick, and it makes you sleep like a baby. Oddly it's more sedating at a lower dose than a higher one.
If you ever encounter the joys of HIV wasting it is useful. My first weekend taking it I ate half of a large apple pie, in addiction to two servings of dinner. For a daily stoner like Thomas I'd say tread carefully on the carb intake.
You ate half an apple pie over a weekend? You're a lightweight... with this Remeron I can do a whole apple pie after polishing off a tub of KFC extra crispy and a gallon of sweet tea.
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You ate half an apple pie over a weekend? You're a lightweight... with this Remeron I can do a whole apple pie after polishing off a tub of KFC extra crispy and a gallon of sweet tea.
No, it was half of the pie in one sitting, as dessert after the large meal. Some friends had me out to their country house and were alarmed at how much weight I'd lost so they were very happy to see me eating huge amounts.
I'd also make batches of cookie dough and just eat it without baking it.
These days I can make one serving of cake last for three desserts. And I only buy ice cream in pints and it often takes me weeks to finish it. Give me a bag of Doritos though and I can eat all of them.
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Hi,
I just want to remind you that you are not alone. I feel like you describe feeling quite a lot of the time. I know it's very hard. We both have to remember that It Passes. I came from a very big city with lots of support groups and other opportunities for us to interact with each other to the midwest where I am the only person I know living with HIV. So I came here to try to develop an online support group.
If you don't have and you can, get a support group, a therapist, a support system of folks who, if not HIV+, are at least HIV-educated.
I have been living with HIV for 21 years and, while it gets better, I have co-morbidities of depression and anxiety. Right now I am battling anorexia nervosa.
I am a woman; I just stopped in here to try to widen my net of support.
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TexMo, thanks for the moving response. If you ever need someone to talk to just PM me. I hope things get better for you, anorexia nervosa is a serious condition to contend with. I hope you are getting the help you need. I am glad you joined the forums, as you can tell it is a great place for support. When you feel comfortable feel free to introduce yourself over in Living With, and check out the Women's Forum which gives you the privacy amongst fellow ladies.
Sister, welcome to the forums.