cjdog100

[cjdog100]

Sry for my late reply ( working and studies) well I'm not really asking for myself if you get what I'm saying....trying to understand somethings on my side with her but its gonna be hard when there no trust...i already know what your answer was going to be but I hoped you said yes for atleast one of them

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Oh boy.

So I am gathering you have been asking how she acquired HIV and, that was her answer? Somehow you think her past has something to do with trust now?

Let me ask you this if she had cancer would you ask how she got it?  Lung cancer perhaps if she ever smoked or cervical cancer about sex?  Or if she had been diabetic about what sugar products she did or did not eat?

I presume not.

Now the answer to your question is a fairly simple one; "At some point, she found herself in a situation whereby all the biological & environmental conditions required for acquiring HIV were met and, transmission took place"

The details of that situation are not your concern, neither does not telling you reflect trust concerns.

Now if she said she acquired HIV from the Loch Ness Monster or the next-door neighbour's cat, it's totally up to her,  it's also very much possible she does not know or like many is simply dismissing real-world risks as no risks and incorrectly linking the infections to past events that are unrelated.

Stop asking or expecting an answer it's got nothing to do with you. She is your GF in the here and now and is living with HIV a manageable condition. That's all you need to know.

Try to appreciate that next to all the other worries that come with managing any manageable condition, HIV diagnosis can be a time of struggling with deep emotions and fear regarding things like, HIV stigma, social judgment & self-stigma, feelings of regret but also concern of the future like fear of rejection, own sexuality, religion, family etc can this can all weigh heavy on the mind. 

  Hope you understand.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya

Moved your thread here as this has little to nothing to do with HIV prevention or your own risks and far more related to your relationship with your HIV positive partner.

[cjdog100]

I understand where you coming from but I don't come out of nowhere and ask her where did you did it from as far as my concern it's none of my business and if I accept her for her that's me. Also she just brought it up casually via facetime.What I'm getting at is when she tells me her "stories" about how she think she got it. I'm like so your gonna just give me bs about how you got it.....i would just prefer you tell me you don't know how you got it plus her mom is a retired RN. Another thing to add somehow I rounded having unprotected with her again so I told how uncomfortable im starting to get around her. Asked her are you just going on the fact your undetectable instead of talking to you team just to make sure it's ok and she like I'll call my CS , I'm just mind blown at this point.Really by the end of this year Jim I don't really know how this will fan out between me and her. I know she has feeling for me and I have feeling for her but im debating on calling quits

[Jim Allen]

Hiya

I hear you on the other hand as I said before if she said she acquired HIV from the Loch Ness Monster or the next-door neighbour's cat, it's not about you, does not take away from you or effect you (I am missing how it would). It's her story and totally up to her, accept it and move on would be my advice. Truth is she might truly believe it, might not know or might need time and this story to cope & digest whatever happened, this could take years.

On the sex part, I can preach and tell you the U=U message again but i don't think that is what this is about.

End of the day, if you are uncomfortable sexually with her and ultimately unable to trust her as I get the sense it's partly a trust issue that it's a problem for the relationship and if you want to use condoms or PrEP to reach a comfort level you are happy with to accept that is your choice, but you need to talk to her about it as she is your partner if you can't reach an acceptable understanding between you it's going to hard to fix the relationship 

That's my two cents on this

[cjdog100]

Me and her had a long talk yesterday. As for the the U=U, my stuides deal with science so i understand it and the case studies around it which is why I asked certain questions in the "am i infected" pertaining to my risk. It's just she has a air head personality that I love about her but for something like this I feel she should talk to her team just to have her bases covered and take things more serious. I did told her we could wait for intercourse and just oral until I'm a little bit more relaxed. Also with that recent unprotected she pressured the crap out of me for 30min till I gave in so it's not like I'm not trying to meet her halfway with her situation.

[Jim Allen]

for something like this I feel she should talk to her team just to have her bases covered and take things more serious.

Just to clarify what are you looking for her to discuss with her team & why? I mean U=U there is not much to discuss with them or do you mean confirming her UD lab results? It's pretty standard to share that with the patient on visits.

[cjdog100]

Hmm.....where I'm getting at is it ok now instead of waiting for 6 months...with her being fairly new to this granted its 4? Really I'm going on what you told in the other form and what someone at ID told me. I dont want to sound rude to anyone on this post but I just assume that said + person would ask about unprotected sex to protect their partner's health. I'm only talking from a - person's point of view so it might be more tunnel vision bias. In not in her shoes but I would understand if that something she wouldn't really want to talk about to others.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

It's 6 months, that's the assessment

I dont want to sound rude to anyone on this post but I just assume that said + person would ask about unprotected sex to protect their partner's health.

I'll be honest it's never been a topic for me. I was once asked about my understanding of TaSP and I explained the concept to the doc, that was about it. I can imagen that newbies might ask if they have questions or the ID doctor might ask if they have any questions.

[cjdog100]

Ok so treatment before 6 months Of UD isn't 100 percent safe but its a low risk because of said person is UD? She is telling me one thing, her mind is stuck on condomless sex but she been on treat for 4 months and gaining healthy weight back so I think that's what she going off....so what would you suggest?

[Jim Allen]

Hiya

The assessment is not going to change and if you want to use condoms and/or PrEP in relation to HIV prevention it's your choice/right to do so

[cjdog100]

Ok cool.....as for the recent sex I'll just wait till January for my regular testing routine...ill check back in later to tell you how things are going

[leatherman]

but I just assume that said + person would ask about unprotected sex to protect their partner's health. I'm only talking from a - person's point of view so it might be more tunnel vision bias.

and that's why so many HIV transmissions have happened by people who don't know their status. It's not up to anyone to "protect their partner's health"; it's up to YOU and you alone to protect YOUR own health. Whether someone is +, or -, or unknown, or on prep, etc. it's up to each partner to be responsible for and protect their own health.

You agreeing to condomless sex (also accepting her word that she's barely been UD for a few months, and allowing her to pressure you into something you didn't feel ready for) is YOU taking whatever risk there might be.

And speaking of risks, while your partner may be UD which would be "safer sex" for you, that still doesn't protect YOU from any number of STIs (syphilis and gonorrhea are HUGE problems) or from pregnancy.