Disclosure /When To Tell status

[DCGUY2007]

I go back and forth on when to tell someone my status. I havent been dating for while but today I had a blind date that seemed to go well. We met for coffee then walked around for while and went to different shops in the area. Nothing sexual but it was nice. When I left and got home though I was stressed. Part of me wants to go out with him again then another part of me is stressing out on when to tell about my status. That part of me is the part that just doesn't want to go out again. So I don't even have to worry about telling my status.

Last week I also talked to someone online and he seemed like a really nice guy we talked for a while on the telephone too. He has had a 12 year relationship before. Then I see him online and he starts talking to me. He keeps telling me that I seem distant like I'm not interested. I get anxious and just type that I am poz. Then came the rejection. But right after the rejection I then noticed that his name online indicated he is "Bi". I have nothing against this but if I had noticed that before I would not have told him my status because I don't want to date someone who is Bi anyway. I was so anxious about putting out my status I didn't even noticed that there was something about him that I didn't want to pursue.

I was listening to a books on CD the other day about having a positive outlook on life. The writer has hd breast cancer occur three different times. Each time she has survived over the years.  She mentioned how when she was single she would blurt out on the first date that she had breast cancer and that she was missing a breast. Then she said she learned to wait to mentioned this because she was scaring off her dates so fast. She said she would at least give them a drink first. She is now married and happy. Maybe that is the answer (get them drunk  . Seriously though I know advertsing on the poz site is a solution but I have not found anyone on the site yet that I have cliqued with.

I'm just not sure when to disclose anymore. I'm not worried about the sexual part because I don't have sex on my first dates anymore. So this takes away some of that stress but when to tell is still in the back of my mind. Do all of you disclose right away?

[tendai]

i hate the disclosure thing. i used to think its best to wait until u know each other a bit - the downside is that u can get more hurt by rejection when u've grown to like each other.  But if u disclose right away then they can get scared off before they get to know u. I get stressed about this too and i think the best thing is to just hook up with someone whos also poz. Maybe u should give it time and u'll find someone on the site.  Good luck

[komnaes]

As someone who's recently tested poz I haven't thought much about this yet, but I came across this webcast a while ago which I think maybe helpful.

"Sex and Dating When You're HIV Positive"

It should work if you right click and select download:

http://www.thebody.com/hivmonth/audio/TBody_ThisMonth06.mp3

If not the webpage is:

http://www.thebody.com/hivmonth/thismonth.html

Shaun

[DanielMark]

DCGUY,

That’s a personal choice question. It could also be a legal one depending on the laws where you live. And it’s a person by person decision I think.

When I was single and dating, I always disclosed up front. Some could handle it and some could not. The ones who could not I was glad to know about right away before I’d made any emotional investment. I just figure people have the right to know. I would want to if the roles were reversed. It’s a matter of honesty and trust, on which healthy relationships are based.

Oh, and I wouldn’t limit myself by dating only HIV positive guys. I was with an HIV negative man for ten years, and my current boyfriend of three years is also negative.

Daniel

[DCGUY2007]

I see people have different experiences . I read the article quoted too. It is very interesting. Thanks for the responses everyone. I really appreciate it  .

[BT65]

I agree with Danielmark, it's a personal choice.  For me, I would probably wait until after I got to know a person.  Not too long, though, where any emotions are invested.  And I would just be prepared for rejection and if that didn't happen, then that would be nice.  Right now I'm dating a girl and she knows I'm poz.  She also knows I know all about safe(r) sex when it comes to female-to-female.  She seems to be comfortable with the whole situation.  While we haven't done anything sexual yet, I think she would feel comfortable should the situation ever arise. 

Only you know what's best for you and when you feel comfortable.  If you think the person's worth it, then I would let them know.  If the person's someone you really wouldn't want to get involved with, then why risk it.  Just my thoughts......

[woodshere]

The answer to this is simple:  Who knows.  There is no rule we all just kind of play it by ear.  Since being diagnosed I have dated 3 different guys. The first one I told on the very first date in the first 15 minutes and we had a great date, but things fizzled out.  Another I told after exchanging emails for a month and then dating for a couple of weeks.  He was great when I told him, we had sex that night and then he dumped me.  Said the reason he let me suck his dick is that he didn't want to hurt my feelings.  And finally one guy I never told (we never had sex), we decided we were better being friends, than boyfriends.  I think in future I do want to tell fairly early.

As far as being online, if I am online, it is typically for a hook-up.  If you check out my profile it is pretty obvious I am poz, plus I always disclose.

Sorry there is no pat answer, you just have to judge each situation for yourself and go from there.

Good luck,
Woods

 

[DCGUY2007]

Thanks again. I think you are all right. It depends on the person. All of this definitely gives me something to think about. I definitely want to put off the sex with a potential date anyway regardless of my status. I just find that sex for me can complicate things . In a way maybe hiv is a blessing. This way I can put off the sex and try to get to know the person a little without sex complicating things at first.

[Moffie65]

When I left and got home though I was stressed. Part of me wants to go out with him again then another part of me is stressing out on when to tell about my status. That part of me is the part that just doesn't want to go out again. So I don't even have to worry about telling my status.

Hi DC;

I read this above, and you answser your own question right off the bat. 

First off, we are not talking about your date here, we are obviously talking about you (us), and one of the most damaging things about HIV is stress.  Most of us, tend to get a bit stressed about dating anyway, HIV+ or not.  To place yourself in a position of stress before you even commence the date, doesn't seem to be productive for you or us.  Then you say this.

It depends on the person.

Listen, I don't think it depends on the person at all, as the only common demonitator here is YOU.  Do you ever want to date someone who is uncomfortable with your HIV status?  How long do you give them to become comfortable with your status?  How long do you give yourself, doing a self imposed mind fuck before you disclose?  How important is it to you for that other guy is comfortable with you?  How much do you care if someone really is totally uncomfortable with you and your status?  How much do you want to bed someone who is uncomfortable with your status? 

I think personally and with my own experience; it is imperative to disclose soon after introducing yourself.  I don't have time for wasting with someone who is narrow minded enough to be uncomfortable with my bug.  I don't have time to get enamored with someone who will be put off by my bug.  I will not submit myself to the mental torture of getting involved in any way with someone who is going to "define" how I respond to anyone, anytime or anywhere. 

You might think from the above paragraph, that I am a top, but in that you might also be wrong; because in this life of Gay experience I have always found that only the best bottoms make it to the top.

Yes, this decision is totally up to you, but please don't torture yourself with what someone you either don't or barely know, determine how you are going to act or interact with others.  AND, the sooner we get to this issue of disclosure, the sooner we can be rid of all the doubts that keep us in the closet of HIV status.

Love,

[dtwpuck]

Hey there... it definitely is a personal choice.  Over the years I have come to realize that the best way to dispense with the nonsense about negative people's misinformation and fear is to just make it part of an initial contact.  I post it in online profiles.  I get annoyed when people don't read it.  And I point-blank tell neggies that I'm more likely to reject them because they're negative than the reverse.  (not to mention the fact that I almost always say to someone 'so, the only thing someone has to do to get you to sleep with him is to lie about his status.... brilliant strategy on your part.) 

Anyway, none of this cocksure attitude mitigates the fact that it is difficult to disclose.  I very rarely meet guys in bars, simply because disclosure over the internet is much easier.  You don't have to face someone.  Since I became poz over a decade ago, and being unabeshedly sexually philanthropic, I have developed quite a few strategies about telling people.  The vast majority of the time, disclosure works in my favor, at least, inasmuch as people realize that I would rather them trust that I would tell them the truth than for them to invest time in something they are uncomfortable with.  I don't wear my status on my sleeve, but I do talk about it like it's no big deal.     

I'm poz, buddy... if that's an issue for you, find another sandbox. 

Best of luck to you.  No one's going to kid you that this is the easy part. 

Scott

[CallMeSid]

Thank you for starting this thread, DCGUY2007.  And thank you komnaes for posting the link to the article at TheBody.com -- very interesting reading.

I'm newly POZ and the reality of disclosing is becoming something I have to deal with.  After getting my test results, I told two f***buddies who just needed to know, so they could get tested themselves.  I was trying to get in touch with a third, but he seems to have disappeared.

Anyway, last week I met a guy at a bar and we started kissing and he stated what he wanted to do with me when we left the bar.  I realized that I would have to disclose to him, probably as soon as we headed outside, just in case it changed his intent to take me home.  I also started to wonder if maybe I should have told him before he kissed me -- not that I think it's a risky practice for transmission, but some people would not willing put their tongue in a POZ guy's mouth.  As it turned out, rather than leave the bar and go have sex, he asked me if I would have dinner with him on Saturday.  I agreed and we exchanged numbers.  On Saturday, we had a very nice dinner and a good conversation, but although I liked him, I decided that the sexual spark just wasn't there.  When he was dropping me off, he disclosed to me that HE is HIV+!  The thought had crossed my mind.  For some reason, I didn't reciprocate the disclosure, I just assured him that that was not a problem for me. 

I guess I didn't disclose for a variety of reasons:  (1) I'm not really comfortable with anybody knowing about my HIV+ status who doesn't really, truly need to know; (2) I'm thinking I don't want to date/have sex with this man, so I don't see a need to disclose; (3) I'm not sure if there's enough there (and enough time in my schedule) for a friendship and I didn't want to disclose and thereby sort of lay a common ground that might be interpreted as "We have so much in common". 

Blah, blah, blah.  Just babbling...

[DCGUY2007]

Callmesid,

I totally agree with your response. After thinking about it more and reading the article highlighted and peoples responses, I'm realizing now that I  too don't feel a need to tell everyone my status in my profile. Of course yes I get stressed out when to tell. But Im realizing that I worry sometimes about when to tell before even knowing if I want to go further with this person. Besides Herpes is also very prevalent but I don't see postings and ads online that say "I have herpes outbreaks so beware". Or "I have had  cancer before so beware." I could go on with a list of examples. Even after thinking about my date on Saturday I find myself asking if I was even sexually attracted to him. I definitely enjoyed the coffee and walking around. But I don't know about it going further than potential friendship. I was so focused on my status and potential rejection from him that I didn't really think about maybe I'm not  into him.  I have come to the decision that when I meet someone and find them attractive mentally and physically and go on a few dates and I think it might be something potential or just become something sexual then I will mention my status. Of course there may also be times when I feel the attraction is so strong I will mention my status right away so I won't get hurt by potential rejection.

Of course I totally respect others choice to put their status in their ad. If this works for them I really do think it is great.