I think I am comming in for a landing

[Poppa]

 Was having a very rough day yesterday despite my efforts to resume a " normal " routine. Went to the gym, did some Saturday cleaning paid bills online then called my ex. Thought he was ignoring me.  We had spoken on the phone Friday evening and he was very supportive. He called me back soon after I left a message on his cell and was very calm and explained why he didn't answer the phone. ( my impatience to speak with him when I needed to was an issue for us in the past) Anyway, we eventually decided that we would see one another later in the day and I had to take a doll just to prepare for that. Without warning my cousin showed up and blew the plans out of the water. ( he is poz but I cannot share with him my status as it would be like taking an ad out in the " Daily Herald ") When my ex called to tell me he would come over I gave him the news that my cousin was over we both felt it would not b appropriate to come over. After a few hours of banging off the walls quietly I left the house while my cuz was sleeping on the couch. Drove to my ex's house and sat in the driveway for 10 minutes before I called him to tell him I was out there. He invited me in . We sat and talked for a while and he answered my questions to the best of his knowledge. Then he came over  and hugged me. The only word I can describe it as is " bittersweet ". The person who I longed for was hugging me, talking to me and reassuring me. Then he suggested we go for an ice cream. How I would of loved to do that with him once again. But I knew that it was not for any other reason than to just go for an ice cream. After sitting with him for almost 2 hours I decided it was time for me to leave. I asked him to stay seated when I left and walked backwards to the door so I would not turn my back to him. I dont want him to feel guilty or sad for me and I hope I left him with a good feeling about that. I now know that I cannot look to him for support because I still love him and want him back. I  am glad I saw him. I feel a little less overwhelmed today . Hope it stays with me.

[dusty99]

Poppa,

Like you I am still dealing with my HIV status, although, I am not as stressed about it as I once was, I have come to realise that I cannot change it. I am also one of the people who process and then work things from a logical standpoint rather than emotional, (just the way I am wired, neither right nor wrong). I am also dealing with my sexuality, a whole other issue for me that I am trying to apply the afore mentioned process, however; this one just does not work the same way.

So, that being said, realise that I have no true frame of reference for your relationship, I do understand what you are saying about your BF, but is it impossible to still have him as a friend, and one that give you support? Or is it too painful? If so, I can understand, I just think that since he would be someone who would know better than most anyone, would be able to support you and possibly keep you out of the pitfalls of dealing with HIV, such going into depression, which it seems you are pulling out of, which I think all of us went into at first, and is a natural experience, but not good to continue in or allow ourselves to fall back into. Only you know for sure how this would look for you, I am just suggesting that it might be a good thing for you, but only if it will not cause any emotional turmoil. I know several people gay and straight, and myself included, who have been able to continue on with a friendship and love for the people with whom we previously were in a relationship with. For me I don't know how I would have reacted further with my knowledge of my status if it hadn't been for the support given to me by my ex-wife. I know that I certainly don't feel I deserve to have her in my life, but she is there even through something that at the time I felt was life ending. I have since found that not to be the case, and have also found a great support element here where I now live. All this happened for me in a short period of time. I know that this isn't something that happens for everyone, so I guess I am fortunate in that regard, but then I also sought it out, much like you are doing know on here.

So, welcome to the forum, and we are all here for you and I hope that you will be here for all of us.

[darwin]

I  am glad I saw him. I feel a little less overwhelmed today

Wow, Poppa, you are a brave inspiration for me.  You've been really strong in your actions. 

I have yet to tell my ex, who left me for similar reasons as yours just over a month ago, that he infected me with HIV.  I want him back so much that I don't want to use HIV against him in any way, like as a guilt trip or an opportunity to see him more often.

Your bravery helps me put things into perspective, and I really appreciate your honest reflections shared on these forums.  Thank you!  I hope to hear more from you, and I wish you the very best!  You are great!

[Poppa]

Thanx Darwin but I dont know if bravery or strength had anything to do with it. It was more out of necessity. I needed someone to tell and he is the only person I can trust right now.