I can not make peace with my diagnosis

[Nagisa]

Hello ladies,

My name is Nagisa, I’ve been diagnosed with hiv on 5th feb 2020 and I cant make peace with it and I don’t think I would ever be able to do it.

I’m 24 yo and I have been infected by my boyfriend who was cheating on me with guys. Nobody knows about my diagnosis except him.

Starting from begging.. I’m from Poland but I live in England for 3 years now. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years, at first it was completely normal to not call it perfect. But later on I discovered he’s addicted to cocaine, even though wise decision would be to leave him I decided to stay and help him fight his addiction. There were ups and downs but I was always there for him, trying to create him home introducing him to my family covering his problems and showing him from his best sides. But on October last year I found him on gay dating site, I found out he has been meeting guys for sex every time he has been high on cocaine, it broke my heart, we split up for few month but been always in touch. This year by the end of January we met at ours friend birthday party, he said he wants to fight for us as he’s clean since our split. I decided to give him a chance, we end up in bed, had unprotected sex and because I haven’t been on my contraception pills we went to sexual clinic for emergency pill. And all of the sudden he decided to do his blood test for hiv, it got me thrilled but even for a second I didn’t think it would came out positive. Next day he got his results that he is positive, same day I started post exposure medication as I had my last hope he got infected during our split and never passed it on to me. But on 5th of feb I got my results I’m hiv positive. I feel like this date is end of my life where I was happy.

Every night I’m going to sleep with hope I would never wake up again. I feel like I disappointed myself and my family and especially my mom who always were fighting for my health as big part of my childhood I spent in hospitals and visiting dozens of doctors. I’m coming from abusive family where my father was an alcoholic, and the only thing I wanted in my life was to find someone to create full and happy family I never had.

And now everything I ever dreamt of is ruined, nobody would ever want girl with so many problems and is hiv positive. Even my boyfriend last week told me he cannot stand me and my meltdowns. He said I’m making him cringe and wanting to run away from me even though on the day of my diagnosis he said now he’s going to take care of me like I was taking care of him when he was fighting with addiction. Now I’m left completely alone with nobody by my side who would know what I’m dealing with.

I feel like this is the price of trying being good. I was stupid and naive and now I have paid big price for it.

If there’s any chance anybody who would be able to give me advice how to overcome all of this I would be grateful as for now I fell completely hopeless.

Thank you if you managed to read it through till the end.

[Jim Allen]

Hi Nagisa,

I've moved your post as it's your first post, introduction thread for the forum and you were only recently diagnosed.

Firstly really sorry to hear about the positive HIV result and the abusive family upbringing.

The diagnosis takes most of us time to digest, normally I would recommend anyone new to this to seek out face to face peer support asides from the online community but I am aware face to face support might not be possible at the moment during the COVID19 crisis.

Just know that you are not alone, we are here for you if you need to chat, vent or have questions. If you really ever need to talk I can even set up a skype call.

Definitely, after this COVIS crisis settles down face to face peer support and perhaps talking to a therapist to help you digest the diagnosis might me good.

Regarding the BF, look it's not my place to say, however, I do think he has challenges to overcome that he needs to sort out on his own first before being in a relationship and perhaps that means spending time apart now as that would also allow you to focus on yourself. Maybe, one day in the future you could revisit the relationship if and when he really has his shit together.

How are you getting on with treatment? Have you started treatment? What is your CD4 count like and viral load?

Take it easy, hugs, Jim

[Expat1]

Look, the initial diagnosis is a shock, but for most of us after some tests and getting stated on antivirald, mostly we just take one or two pills a day and the HIV becomes undetectable and we are free to live our lives.

Now the meds are really good. 

Have you learned your CD4  counts and viral load?

Have you gotten a doctor that you are comfortable working with?

Read some of the other stories here, take a few deep breaths, and learn how to stay well.

Keep us posted.

[harleymc]

I'm sorry to hear the 'boyfriend' is unstable and abusive.  It'll be a bit tricky finding out where you can go to get safe.

The HIV is quite a second order importance. Get yourself safe, then get on treatments.

You've got your life ahead of you, but you just need some stability and someone to listen. To you at the . moment.

I know how you feel right now, my bf kicked me out.of our hi.e when I seroconverted. I had the last laugh. I've outlived him by 33 years.

[iwillsurvive1]

Hey there. Just popping in to say, you will be okay.

I too am 24. I was told I tested + about 2 years ago, I was 22. It was devastating.

 Like you, I am female and as it turned out my bf at the time wasn’t honest or faithful. I was also a recent college graduate so it was very difficult hearing such news at such time.

Honestly, I thought I wouldn’t make but here I am today. I’m alive, I’m well and I’m trying to live my life the best way I know how. I am still the same person , still have the same goals, still have the same friends... things don’t have to change much.

When I first got the news, I came to this forum and told my story a few months after I came back to update everyone that life was going well. I know you’ll have a similar story if you just keep trying.

Saying all this to say, time heals. You will heal and grow and thrive. 

There is joy at the end of this. Trust in whatever you believe in and take it one day at a time.

All I can do is share my story with you and offer you my support.

I’m always here to talk if you want to. Im not on the forum often but I will check back in a week to see how you are doing/for your updates.


Hope to hear from you.