Mental breakdown

[absopozilutely]

I don't know what to say. I feel like I've reached my limit, for awhile things were going good, but now I just feel like giving up, everyone keeps telling me to push through it or to fight. There's so many things wrong in my life I'm not sure if I see the good anymore. I'd never kill myself, I couldn't do that to my mom. But I have to say the temptation has been there. If you'd of told me 5 years ago that this is where I would be I would have laughed, but now I see my life falling apart, it's like Jenga and I'm losing. So much more to say but honestly just don't have the energy.
Much love,
Matty
Words of encouragement will be enjoyed

[BT65]

HI Matty, I totally understand your feelings.  A few weeks ago I hit a patch of black ice and my car slid off the road into a metal pole.  It almost ripped my front bumper almost completely off and destroyed the radiator and grill (the radiator grill). It's an older car, I keep it because it runs pretty good and I can't afford a new car right now. Anyway, it cost $970 to fix and it took them a week and 1/2. I was lucky my roommate was off work so she volunteered to take me to work and pick me up. But it was just completely overwhelming. I've never done that before.

Not that that compares to mental anguish, but I did feel mental anguish due to the cost and time it took to repair it.  I think most of us go through feeling like you do, the people who are telling you to hang in there and fight are completely correct.  Do you see a therapist?  Because if you don't, it may be time to. Most HIV+ people I know fare much better when they have a therapist to dump on and get some guidance from.  You may want to seriously consider this.

I really don't have any other great words of wisdom other than just hang in there. You've been active on these forums for a while and people care about you, including me. 

Betty

[initforlife]

Abs you are a great guy. and we love you here. This time of year  is stressful on people without any other issue.so it is normal to be mentally stressed out. Life does got better and you will one day look forward to the future. You know how depressed I was for a long while.  Well iam here to say Im no longer depressed it took a lot to get me to this place. but I finally got out of the house and met new people who truly cared for me. I found it in a church that I'm very active in now. but it doesn't have to be a church if you don't believe it could just going out and volunteering with people who are worse off then you. that always helps me feel better. but until then we are here vent away . You are loved and cared for always!

[intaglio]

Well, fellow, you've had quite the year, eh. Look back and see what you've gone through. I'd be more concerned if you weren't a bit emotional after all that. 

Holiday time is an absolute magnifier of stress and emotion. At this moment it feels like you've reached your limit. To use your five-year example, the person you were five years ago likely wouldn't have been able to navigate this last year. You did, though and here you are. Give yourself some credit for that.

You know all the small victories and the private achievements. Remind yourself they matter, because they've gotten you to this point.

Maybe instead of trying to rebuild that Jenga tower, build yourself a nice fort out of those blocks. No one says they have to be put back the same way. The same way goes for your life. It may be falling to pieces, but those pieces can be rearranged, reused, and even discarded if they no longer fit.

Build something unique and come back here to show it off. It doesn't need to be big. Start small and go from there.

[Theyer]

It's hard to respond as I don,t know your circumstances , if you live in a rural area then encouraging you to seek professional help could be hard.

I would say that professional help is not only about dealing with today's problems but arming you with knowledge for what helps the next time life is difficult .

The one thing that will not help is isolation , which you have already taken action against by posting here please continue by actively seeking therapeutic work for your self . If you are physically isolated from such help investigate telephone Sykpe counselling . In the Uk , the Scotlish islands are using Sykpe for the whole range off medical one to one.

Good luck with it all , keep us all up to date .
Best wishes
Theyer

[emeraldize]

 I like your ending – words of encouragement will be enjoyed. So true for all of us. And sometimes when we can't get them from a wonderful thread full of loving posters,  we have to give them to ourselves.

May I suggest that you get a flower, just one, from the flower shop and maybe a fern to go with it. Put it on your kitchen table or in a place you'll see often.  Get some treats that you enjoy whether it's kit-kats or caramels or special coffee.   Give yourself some time to look at something beautiful, taste something sweet and burn some incense so you can smell something good, too. 

Breathe deeply, relax, and say the words out loud --I am all right. Then rattle off  as many things as you can think of for which you are thankful. Food, clothing, roof over your head, friends, family, medicine, movies,  whatever it is. And then make a plan to find somebody who is aching, or hungry, or dying, or recently diagnosed and bring some words of encouragement to them.

You will feel even better than you can imagine.

[absopozilutely]

I definitely owe some more background of what's going on. And a huge thank you to all of you for the words they made me smile. My year has been tough, a lot of bad choices a lot of things out of my control. In April my dad had 2 strokes, in July I was hospitalized for Sepsis, in November my lungs collapsed
After 5 weeks of a cold, I came out with diagnoses to my family, my job changed in July, company was acquired by new company and they've made things 10 times harder on me, I went from a high performer in the company to now failing, I had not been written up in 7 years I've been there, now I'm on a 30 day probation. I'm seeing a therapist who has an appointment available once every 2 months, my anxiety and stress from work is out of control, my psychiatrist refuses to take me out of work temporarily even though I said I feel like I'm going to get fired because I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I feel alone, I've never ever been this lonely in my life. Even Irisheyes stopped talking to me, right in the middle of everything, then my best friend and support left for boot camp, I've somehow dug myself into another hole of debt, I'm feeling like I'm being crushed and the temptation to throw in the towel and give up and to have peace is just becoming overwhelming. I pray to God to help me in anyway possible because I need it right now. I just need something fucking positive to happen in my life. There's no more dead horse to beat, just a skeleton, and all my psychiatrist wants to do is increase more meds. Even though I'm on the highest dose possible for Zoloft (sertraline) she wants to go higher. She won't increase my Klonopin because she says their to addictive. I can't put more stress on my mom or dad- my brother has helped me to much and I feel guilty at the amount of money I owe him. And my parents and sister and grandparents. I for the first time ever feel like I have hit bottom, that I have no one to go to. And it sucks. And so it is, and so it shall be.

[ImisstheOldTimes]

The first rule of holes - stop digging.

Abso (Matty) - I'm really feeling you with having a shitty year, I've been there as well, I think most people have contemplated what you have also.  However I really like Emeraldize's advice.  As my mom always tells me..."this too shall pass"

Hang in there,
(((hugs))))
Heidi

[intaglio]

You haven't hit bottom. You're just a bit lower than you've been before. You're not quite ready to pick out a shopping cart and stake your claim to some prime overpass real-estate. You do have justification for feeling like you do, though.

my job changed in July, company was acquired by new company and they've made things 10 times harder on me, I went from a high performer in the company to now failing, I had not been written up in 7 years I've been there, now I'm on a 30 day probation.

Your employer may be trying to get you to quit. You might want to familiarize yourself with Constructive Dismissal as it may help you move on to a better job.

If your psychiatrist won't increase your klonopin dosage, maybe they would move you to something similar. Klonopin, due to its side-effects, could be making your situation worse. You also need someone who is available more often than just six times a year. Your situation at this time, especially with your work pressures, demands you have someone you can meet with at least once a week. If your psychiatrist cannot give you more attention, ask them for a referral to someone who can. Your justification is that you need someone that is more readily available due to all that is going on in your life at this time.

Your debt may be negotiable. The time to ask is before you miss any payments. Medical bills can be negotiated. Secured debt can be refinanced to achieve a lower monthly payment. It may come at a higher rate of interest due to stretching out repayment over a longer time. Student loans can be put into forbearance  or deferment. Again the time to make the request is before you reach default or miss a payment.

If you have unsecured debt, refinancing it is trickier. You may not need to if you can gain financial relief elsewhere. Whatever debt is causing you worry, working on a solution can help  you feel better overall.

Don't be hesitant to talk to your family. Request ideas on how to overcome your current challenges. Tell them you are looking for advice, not a handout. It's part of their job description to be useful in that way.   Besides, showing them you are actively working on keeping yourself independent could reduce their stress and worry over you. Parents can be strange in that way. Okay?

As others say, because you are feeing so stressed it is extremely important you create opportunity to pamper yourself. Take a half hour to just get lost in some music you love. Find a nice sunny spot and sit there and watch the world go by. Actively think of things you can do to help you recharge.

You may need to remind yourself that you don't need to have answers for everything at once. You may be thinking that you are supposed to, but nobody ever does. Like I said before, you've accomplished a lot just by making it to now alive and upright. 

[Theyer]

Hi , I came on to reply to your second post and found the advise given by intaglio covered what I wanted to say but in a much better way . You clearly have a degree off energy , your second post is a very good piece of writing  , Powerful , use some of that energy to " stop digging  " try to start dealing with the problems.

Please do not think I expect it to be over in a weekend , or that dealing with the problems means you cannot ask for help.

You will feel better if you start planning how you are to deal with it all. You have had the strength to come through a horrible year , Use that strength to deal with these problems one step at a time.

All the best in the world to you.
M

[Wade]

Hey Matty,   Like Heidi's mom says  " this too shall pass "
We have all been through bad patches , pick yourself up and come out swinging.
Soon this will be behind you, and you will be all that much stronger because of it.

A Big Hug , Wade

[Joe K]

Hey Matty,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time and we have all been there.  What I found that helped was to separate the areas you need to work and then list the steps for each area.  This gives you some organization and do one thing a day, so you will have a feeling of accomplishment every day.  Sometimes it's the overwhelming nature of all the issues combined and by breaking them down, they don't seem so overpowering.

As difficult as you life is right now, at some point you need to stop the self-pity party and face some realities.  One of those realities is to stop beating yourself up over issues over which you have no control.  Yes, bad things happen to good people, but you have enough to deal with, without adding guilt about things that were simply not your fault.

The other thing is to do something, EVERY DAY that you love, even if only for 15 minutes.  It's important to remind yourself that you matter and it gives you something to look forward to, every single day.  Another thing is it's OK to be pissed off, feel hopeless or whatever else you may feel.  It's healthy to work through your emotions, so don't hide them, work through them and that will add another source of personal pride.

Lastly, remember that most of life is relative.  If you allow yourself to become buried in your troubles, you will lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.  As bleak as it may appear, always believe that you will get through this.  It doesn't mean it won't hurt or be very hard at times, as this is life at times.

Most of all, come here and talk with us when you feel the darkness closing in.  You are stronger than you will ever know, so have faith in yourself that you will face your challenges and that your life will continue to improve.

Joe

[emeraldize]

I agree with Intaglio and Joe. While my advice may seem unicorn-rainbow-based I assure you it is not. It's simple and quiet and deliberate for a reason.

I daresay everyone who's giving you advice has had some glom-on of debt, death, depression, PTSD, addiction, disappointment and more to figure out how to climb up and over and beyond.

Key to depression is our aversion to change which is inescapable from breath one. I use lists, diagrams and more when I gotta figure out what the f to do next. And, quite literally, physical movement such as walking gets thoughts and brain chemistry flowing. Meditation twenty minutes a day is also good and free!!!

Yes, no doubt, you've got a lot on your plate. Openly communicating with anyone who can help you plot a course is important. If you don't already know this, most people when asked directly, love to help.

[PittGurl]

absopozilutely - i feel almost the same degree to what you feel. I hope you dont mind me soaking up some of the advice passed on to you.

My 17 year old is now acting out and the 12 year old is almost right behind her. Im financially stressed, physically exhausted, mentally in anguish, but trying to stay spiritually strong. Just trying to put 1 foot in front of the other right now.

The kids and I have a roof over our head, penny by penny the rent is being paid, i wake up every morning and take the BIG HONKIN PILL, and we have food.  No, dinner might not be made every night, the house might not be spic and span clean, my gray hair is growing in and there is no money to color it right now, the kids may have to fend for themselves for dinner but there is food. Im doing the best i can but no one sees that and my 17 year old is throwing around her "entitlements". I wish i was more strict - its hard to get that back once you bring them up to your level - espec being a single mom and her being the oldest. She tells me i am poison and that i wont ever see my grandkids bc im a horrible person. that hurts me so very much.

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Hey, I was heading into a funk on Friday, and honestly I took Em's advice on the flower thing, and honestly the beauty, the scent of it, actually did make me feel a little better, was in full funk Friday, on Saturday, still no bueno, so it was Saturday I bought it.

Just wanted to say thanks for the advice...I'm feeling better.

[emeraldize]

i'm glad to read it boosted your spirits. Sometimes it is the simplest things that help us turn a corner.