POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: ilbcnutoo on November 19, 2012, 04:06:31 am
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I wrote this in long term forum but I think it's more of a "living with HIV post". I just wanted to write about my "mundane" life and when I'm being busy I won't dwell on my present situation. Not being upset for a minute right now is definitely a good thing.
Although I wasn't diagnosed until 2007 I am certain I was infected in 1991. when I got to point that I knew if I passed out I would die I drove myself to the hospital. Hell I was proud of the performance to get myself admitted without insurance and being green in color. They gave me a less than 50% chance the first night. My CD 4 count turned out to be 7 or 8.
Anyway
I was starting to wear down and my normal youthful approach to life was recently dwindling to indifference when a couple events or reasons for something occured.
I moved to western washington this summer to help my mother prepare her home to be put up for sale. She move almost 2 years ago after my father died. homes really suffer when they sit and especially when it rains 75 inches a year.
Well I started to play a little golf this summer at the golf course I grew up playing on. What a trasformation. I suddenly had a purpose and inspite of a half dozen rounds that made me think of a joke my father would dead pan when playing poorly. I was ready to take two weeks off....then quit. But I set up a little driving net in the back yard played a few more times and I was starting to play well. for those who don't know or are of the opinion it's a very silly game golf is actually a drug. you might walk 6 miles in a park like setting which can't hurt some joke it's a beautiful walk in the park spoiled by a little white ball. anyway inspite of being played on a 50 acre game board it's success is determined usually by the 6 inch space between your ears. Your mind has pre determined the impending result. So it all started to click I am hitting the ball as far as I did in college 40 years ago and love the effect it's had on me. I'm still lonely but I wasn't unhappy until. .....
I intended to sell the house take my share of the proceeds and move to the southwest and continue my new view on a life worth continuing to live for. but being I'm in a severely depressed location economically and mentality and suddenly summer was over and it
rains every fricking day..all day. so there it goe. the wheels have fallen off my roller coaster cart and I'm thinking I'm certain I won't survive the winter and don't have the funds required to move in my motorhome. Then another maracilious couldn't spell it but great word. thing happens...................
Twenty years ago life was exciting I was living in hawaii my new wife was to receive a settlement from her ex for hundreds of thousands of dollars and I has blessed with a beautiful little girl and she was pregnant with another, But when the money started coming in she decided to take up drugs and with a 10k budget each month that became a lot of drugs. Ok I wasn't a angel but did maintain a job and did get us both to the mainland for treatment but along the way. we lost the kids. Her mother keep telling me to take my daughter and get out. she warned me and when she kidnapped the kid it was a legal battle of epic proportions. I returned to seattle traveled back to hawaii 4 times in 5 months fighting for my daughter step daughter and just born twins. I was straight for 9 months and proved it but returned for a hearing lost my cool with her did drugs and of course that was the one time they request 3 test that week and I was dust. Humiliated upset and knew i was to be a part time dad. Nope it was much worse. My wife feeling she wasn't a worthy mother and given an option of legal charges of giving the children up for adaption. They were nice enough to send my registered letter and all chance of parental visitation to an address in hawaii that hadn't lived in for a year and they knew it. It gets worse. The children are sent to the big island my ex spends 8 of the next 15 years in prison. she went from a million dollar house on the ocean to prison in 18 months. And they have a court order not allowing me to even know their new last names. I get some photos when they are about 12 and they are beautiful but I'm still screwed and wonder if they will think about me some day.
Well they have they had even hired a detective to no avail. a couple weeks ago when I am asked by an uncle for their neices infor for their will I realize I had better do the same. I leave a message for her at a number which I wasn't real confident would produce results but 2 weeks ago she calls. and I suddenly have my long lost daughter and my grandson she produced along with the twin sons one who just return from afaganistan and the other in hawaii with my grand daughter I just learned.
we talk or email everyday> they understand thankfully harbor no grudge and we are starting to make up for 20 years of seperation. WOW.
If I didn't have a purpose in life or reason to live I sure do now. This has been initially overwhelming but I am settling into my role. Honestly I have been lost e settled into my role I wanted for 2 decades. My ex has been sober for 5 years and is even living a very produced life. Shes in hawaii and we talk and laugh almost daily. her sexual preferences fueled from incarceration will prevent reunited but we'll always be great friends now and in fact she is the first person outside of a few family members that I have told of my condition.
It's almost so perfect. except i managed to spend a whole lot of money a year or two ago when I felt what the hell do I care about money I'm checking out soon.
Another twist not only do I need to create a couple moments of brilliance and earn some serious money money for my children. I need to travel to colorado springs, the big island, Virginia etc. I need to life forever because they want me in their lives and in fact my son just asked me for some advise and told me how much he loves me.
Oh I forgot to mention I heard they were attractive and my daughter could be a model. OMG if you private me I'll send you a picture just like a proud dad does. The boys are so handsome and she and the grandkids are angelic
I am a long term survivor but I couldn't have imagined the turns my life continues to take I'm the luckiest man on the planet but teetering on the edge with that sliver of frustration disappointment in my self and worry of the toll of living in this depression zone.
this area has the one of the lowest homicide rates anywhere. the reason is the victims kill themselves here. lol
anyone else have anything interesting going on?
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You're right, that was a story of epic proportions!
anyone else have anything interesting going on?[/size][/b]
My 5 year old has a spelling test this morning. Yellow, pink, rug, rag, and him are pretty hard when you're five.
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WOW -- what a way to start a Monday! I shall dig into my work inspired, I tell you.
So, I looked at the weather forecast in what I see as your region of the country and you are going to be trounced with a craptacular amount of wind and rain -- see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! type weather. I suspect you already know this.
Yes you're in a high gloom region but at least you know the cloak of darkness is in the seasonal closet, right?
Hunker down, surf the net, starting making your money-making plan (you referenced wanting to do this) and start figuring out your travel plans.
I must say that is one incredible tale!! Happy Thanksgiving -- I hope you've been using Skype with your kids, if not, it's easy, fun and free.
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My 5 year old has a spelling test this morning. Yellow, pink, rug, rag, and him are pretty hard when you're five.
:)Too cute Skeebs.
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((((((ilbcnutoo))))))))))))
Hi!You made my day.Im sooooo glad that you have the support of your kids grandkids and ex wife.
Thats more special than any amount of dollars....every cloud has a siver lining.
Enjoy your family
Britchickx
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I anyone else have anything interesting going on?
um.....nope. not even close to as interesting as that. congratulations.
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[b]proud fathers are always dying to show pictures
so
we're expected 6 inches of rain today. only 2 inches yesterday lol
oops. I thought I could post a photo or two
On a positive note this morning I also corrected one of my least intelligent decisions this decade. A while ago I had the lame brain idea to pawn my nice car. seemed simple enough I thought but turned out a much more daunting task hen expected. I figured a bicycle wasn't the optimum mode of transportation here in winter [/b]