Poz shunning

[RobbyR]

I'm feeling pretty down lately. I am so sick of guys shunning me because I'm poz, in the gay world. I'm constantly rejected and people spread it around that I'm poz and nobody talks to me because of it, I feel like a leper. I've got a lot together in the last year and am getting ready to take a positive step no pun intended by joining a gym and maybe making some quality friends there, but still it hurts when it comes to dating, guys always asking me if I'm "clean", or poz-shaming me, or shunning me. I'm sick of always having to explain my status and every time I meet a guy that I hit it off with, it's always hanging over my head. I dunno, just needed to vent a little. I mean guys are still acting like it's 1985 for god's sake. I get that people want to be safe, totally understandable, but have a little respect and education for real. What's ironic is that as an undetctable guy I'm probably cleaner than half the guys out there who are so quick to judge or shun, because they probably have stds they don't know about or maybe even poz themselves. It just sucks because once people pin you as "Poz", on the dating apps and such, that's pretty much it, you're a leper.

[ClarkeCombo]

Even though I'm "straight", my wife and I have experienced the same attitudes since 1994. And those same attitudes continue on just as various prejudices continue.

I know it sucks worse for you because of loss and denial of companionship and possibly friends as well.

You...we are treated as criminals even though we committed no crime. And those who aren't Positive treat those of us who are like the Police treat a one-time" thief or whatever. The label is always, always there.

 Yet the "punishment" for having HIV or AIDS is denial of friends, constantly seeing dismissive "Doctors" and for you, not having a love in your life. I really hope things get better for you as far as friends and relationships.

Take care and, well, don't give up. Someone will find you and see you for who you are, not what you have.

[leatherman]

why not simply date other HIV+ people?

[RobbyR]

That would be fine but I can't seem to find any other hiv positive people who are not either on drugs or seem halfway sane. It seems that guys I chat with who claim they're "cool" with it then conveniently start getting quieter and quieter until finally they stop talking altogether. I'm not dumb, I can put two and two together.

I guess I'm just going to try and limit my dating interactions to other poz guys to make things easier. I'm sick of always having to explain myself or answering belittling questions about how I got it, "am I toxic", or stupid shit like that. I don't what some of these guys are smoking, but you don't talk to another human being like that. It's not 1985 anymore what planet are these people living on.

[leatherman]

when i moved home to the carolinas (7 yrs ago), I left behind in OH, all my dead friends and my two dead partners. I knew if I was ever going to have new friends or ever get laid, I was going to have to take opportunity to "do things" and "go places" to meet people.

at first, every time a relative or family friend offered up a "gathering" I went in hopes of meeting other people. (sometimes meeting straight people leads to meeting up with their gay relatives of friends )

but then the thing I did that was the most helpful, to making friend and having sex, was to volunteer at my ASO. I met lots of pozzies - and got laid a lot. I also met lots of HIV- volunteers and f*ed them too.   The nice thing about meeting pozzies through advocacy/activism work was that most were motivated, educated, and a lot better dating material than the drug abusers, alcoholics, etc that I met in various "support groups". Maybe search for other pozzies to date in situations where you're more likely to find people like yourself. it's a thought.

in the end, I found Partner #3  (also hiv+) and it was love. Oh, and I'm still getting laid a lot, I just don't have to leave home these days! LOL 

[bocker3]

The nice thing about meeting pozzies through advocacy/activism work was that most were motivated, educated, and a lot better dating material than the drug abusers, alcoholics, etc that I met in various "support groups".

Not sure what various "support groups" you hung around, but, as a recovering alcoholic, your assertion here is pretty broad brushed and, well, dead wrong.  I met my husband over 26 yrs ago in an alcoholic support group.

We don't like others lumping all HIV+ into a stereotype, perhaps we shouldn't do it to others either.

Mike

[LukasAtlPZ]

sadly enough it seems many gay men are incredibly shallow and reject anyone who does not fit thier internal notion of "perfect"

[harleymc]

It can be tough game being out there in the single/ dating scene whether you have HIV or not. Everybody gets knock backs and looks like you're rejecting a few people too. It's swings and roundabouts.

We need resilience for our own sake and to be able to offer something for our dates' sake.

To build that resilience we need to be happy about ourselves and to have social networks. Having hobbies/ interests that are not just about consumption of goods or entertainment, but are about doing things, helps too. For me I grow orchids ( I need to join an orchid growers club), I play softball in summer, I dance and I'm doing part-time studies. That's a lot of different people I'm meeting.

So if I do meet some one who's interesting, I can talk about different things not just HIV. I can even teach them some dance steps if they are game. Mainly though I try to take an interest in them rather than talk about myself.

On 'hook up' apps, I have a rule. We meet within 48 hours of the first 'hi'. I don't chat back and forth online. You can have a conversation once you meet face to face.

All the rest are on the app for reasons such as getting their ego stroked, a quicky on the side or they are bored. they are not in the pool of dateables.

Good luck

[harleymc]

Oh and just an afterthought....
 We can afford to be kind to those who haven't much knowledge about the current state of HIV treatments and epidemiology.

How much did we know about HIV before our diagnosis? How much do we know about a medical condition that we, or our family members, or friends don't have?

If we choose to educate, or we choose not to because of the energy drain, that decision is about us. We can get frustrated but we can't shame the other person for that lack of knowledge.

[RobbyR]

I'm always happy to educate, if someone comes at me with respect and showing a genuine sentiment to want to learn. Mostly I just get hit on by guys who are either really really creepy, asking me to "party", or just someone not hitting on all cylinders. There are some nice poz guys out there, but most of them seem to only want sex, and which is fine, but I'm looking for friends and somewhat more meaningful relationships.

The other day a nice thing happened. This guy on Grindr had hit me up and started chatting, I was telling him about looking for a gym buddy to work out with. He got pretty flirty, and so I thought he was hitting on me, so I told him I was poz. He seemed very cool about it and talked with me about it and how also hated to see the stigma that a lot of these idiots spread about it.

He invited me to go workout with him at his gym. I thought that was really sweet. He said he has a partner, but I don't mind, it's just going to be a platonic thing anyway. Nice that sometimes people can be genuinely cool with a poz guy like me and not a total creeper or drug addict.

I'm just living as honestly as I can, and as someone told me, if someone won't deal with you when you tell them you're poz, then that's a reflection of their total lack of character as a human being, and nothing to do with you.

[fabio]

The shunning really happens a lot unfortunately especially amongst "dating" apps. That is one of the reasons I decided recently to never date a guy from apps like grinder or any other for that matter,so I deleted the accounts.
I have almost 7 months from discovering my hiv status,and I discovered in the most painful and depressing way. I had an issue with a lump on my behind,and I just thought it was mere hemorhoids and just left it. As time passed the thing grew to a baseball size and I was bleeding a lot when going to the bathroom and literally crying from the pain. That day I went to a private doc and he told me it was an hpv infection and that it might develop to cancer,since they found in the biopsy many abnormal cells. Then the doctor suggested I do some generic blood tests,so he gave me the list and among those tests was an hiv test. And so the whole depressive journey started.
I now had the huge mass removed and I have to go to the doctor for another very minor removal and tests,just to make sure. While I was in surgery (btw it took 3 months to do the damn surgery,because public hospitals are awful) the nurses looked at me with a huge disgust in their faces. My mom,who stayed all night up with me ,heard the nurses talk about me and say: "I'm not touching him,I have to put 4 gloves and  a mask on",even though I had no blood or anything dangerous on me. My mom got frustrated and I told her to let it go,I just got sad.
Thankfully my doctor didn't mind and he was actually very supportive,as I am quite young,I felt as if things will get better then.
I also had it rough while recovering at home,since I could barely move and I had problems going to the bathroom,of course I am far better and fully recovered. But I remember my mom sometimes taking care of me and  even changing my clothes,that I felt so greatful,but sad at the same time,because it felt like my future would be like this,being immobile and unable to do basic things.
So yeah,having to date people from apps isn't really worth it or hearing in what ignorant medical staff will say,what's important are the people who accept you,good or bad.
You can't imagine how much you people helped me in here to cope with everything for that I thank you. Also a big thank you to Jim,who I guess is the person moderating this forum .