23 Young, engaged, and HIV+

[Nae1122]

Hi everyone -

I was dx October of 2014, so it's been a year. I am still struggling with accepting it every single day. So this is my story: I've been with my fiance 3 years. I'm 23 he's 33. Every year that we've been together I got tested when I went to the clinic to get another bag of birth control pills for the year (the clinic gives me a years worth) so Sept 2014 I got tested and they called me back a week later saying they needed me to come in. Long story short they told me I was POZ. I rushed to my fiances house and sat him down and asked him has he been with ANYONE else at all and he said no. I said tell me the truth and he said he has not. I told him I tested POZ and he startes getting teary eyed and he was super shocked. He was telling me he loves me and no matter what he want to be with me.

So I took him to get tested and a week or so later he said they called him and told him he was POZ. I'm trying to deal with my diagnose but I'm just so frustrates because I know he is lying to me. I NEVER cheated on him, no drugs, no blood transfusions, NOTHING. So I know he had to have slept with someone else or did something to give me HIV. I want to move on and deal with us BOTH being positive but I want him to stop lying already!! He swear for the life of him he didn't cheat. I read that it takes 5 months after exposer for the test to be positive. Where was I 5 months prior to October? Out of state with my cousins in Florida! So now I'm thinking he stepped out on me while I was im Florida (We are in CA).

What makes matters worst, is that for some reason I feel like he likes men.. One day I looked on the computer history, and for about 2 minutes he was watching transgender porn, then went back to watching male/female porn. On top just the way he stands sometimes, the way he lays in bed sometimes.

I have no idea what to do, I'm stressed over it but when I bring it to him he says "we are going to be together its gonna be ok there's nothing we can do we just have to move forward and deal" and I say to myself I wouldnt have to move forward with anything if YOU wouldnt have given this to me!! He just won't admit he cheated. I for sure didnt cheat, so him cheating is the only wau this could have happen.

My worst fear is my family finding out or ANYONE finding out. Right now the only people who know is just me and him. I get so sad & feel so hopeless because I'm a 23 year old girl, I go to school and work full time. Good head on my shoulders. I just don't understand why this happen to me. I pray for strength but it's so hard.

Has anyone forgiven their spouse for infecting them?? How did you do it? We're suppose to get married, but I want to be able to trust him. If he would just tell
Me the truth and admit it, I feel like I would have closure and be able to move on.. There is no point in being depressed because theres nothing I can do now. How to I move on and forgive my fiance and accept this?

[tednlou2]

I'm sorry you tested poz, but glad you found this site. 

Since you had no sex outside the relationship and got regularly tested, it is safe to assume your infection did come from him.  But, did he test?  Did he get tested with you and where you saw the results, prior to beginning the relationship?  If he didn't test, then it is possible he was infected prior to your relationship.  If he did test neg within the appropriate window period from previous partners, then it does point to him being unfaithful.

If that's the case, then I just could not deal with someone who continues to lie about it.  I would worry he could bring home other STI's.  And, there just wouldn't be trust.  Most of us have made mistakes...some big ones.  And, many of us don't want to admit to those mistakes-- especially at first.  But, if we care for someone and want to have a healthy relationship, then we must be totally honest. 

About whether he's gay or bisexual-- Of course, a heterosexual man could see a link to trans or gay porn and have some curiosity-- check it out a bit and move on.  That wouldn't necessarily mean he's gay.  He could have been with a woman.  Or, he may be curious or bisexual and has had sex with men or trans women.  That's another big issue, if you want someone totally heterosexual and he's not. 

You have to follow your heart, along with your gut.  I wish you the best with that.  Again, if you didn't know his status prior to the relationship, then that does make it very difficult to say he was infected while he was with you. 

[Nae1122]

Hi Ted,

Thanks for your reply. No I'm not sure if he was tested (my fault for not asking him to go take a test before we stopped using condoms) but I got tested for everything in Sept 2013 and everything came back negative, then got tested in Oct 2014 and came back POZ. So if I tested neg in 2013 and poz in 2014 I truly believe he stepped out on me.

[Nae1122]

Is it possible for him to have beem infected this whole time from a previous relationship? I'm not sure about it.. We've been together 3 years since and started having unprotected sex in like 2013...Somewhere between Sept 2013 - Sept 2014 something happened..

[tednlou2]

It is possible he was infected, before he knew you.  Like pregnancy, you can have sex with someone poz with a detectable viral load and not get it.  The vagina is a good barrier to HIV anyway-- obviously not a perfect barrier.  My partner and I had tons of condomless sex, when I didn't know I was poz.  He was never infected.  If we kept on with my vl, he may have eventually been infected.

But, you should still keep your eyes open.  But, that isn't healthy to always be thinking and wondering whether your partner is cheating.  This is obviously a big deal.  Maybe you two should go to couples therapy.  It seems like you must love him, since you're still together a year later.  Of course, I know we often feel others will never want us, so many of us stay in unhealthy relationships.  I don't know your situation.  It's possible he's been infected and it's possible he cheated and infected you.  The internet history would bother me.  We are all curious, though-- even straight guys.  It could have been a link that popped up and he was curious.  Doesn't necessarily mean he is into guys or trans women.  But, you already had suspicions, before the search history, right?

[Nae1122]

Not serious suspicions.. I don't know.. I want to believe him so bad.. I don't know what to believe.. If it's possible that he contracted it from someone else before me, then maybe this comes from my lack of knowledge about HIV. I thought if he stepped out, contracted it, then as soon as he has sex with me, I'll get it. I didn't know that the viral load and all of that determines how fast it can be passed on. But I went through his phone a few times and never found anything as far as him with another man. So maybe he was being curious..

[Andy Velez]

It's certainly understandable for you to be upset and confused. It sounds like you and your bf need to have some conversation. As much as possible you need to talk in a non-accusatory way with each other.

You're always welcome here to discuss whatever is on your mind. Good luck with getting this situation resolved.