POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: CalvinC on April 26, 2017, 02:36:55 am
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Though I'm poz, my friend isn't. But he's seen me through the worst of my early poz years, about 10 years ago.
In short: I was pretty much his only constant friend -- and he strangely "disappeared" a couple of years ago, for a few weeks. His family (who live out east) had no clue, and they're close, though my friend is very private (and closeted). We got it sorted out, and things got back to normal. Just a lovely man, smart, educated, hard worker, doesn't drink a drop, doesn't smoke etc.
And then last summer he "disappeared" again, and this time I let it drop. I reached out, no results. Then one day, he called me, crying, and asked me to come over. (You know where this is going.) I got there, and the place was a mess. My friend is fastidious to a fault -- and now this? We spoke for a bit, and then I noticed that his fridge was gone. He didn't need it, he said. And then he rambled on and then spilled that he was coming off a crystal high. The floor fell away. Stunned doesn't do this justice. Seriously. So we got through the day, and I gently encouraged him to seek help etc. And it went well for a few weeks. And then -- well, yes, gone again.
I called his sister today. We had been in contact when he disappeared the first time. She said he seemed to have changed over the past couple of years, she loves him dearly, but he's now out of touch. I said I hadn't seen him either recently as he seemed to have disappeared again. She said all she knew was that their mother insisted awhile back that he contact her daily, and he does, by text.
I was dying inside because I know what's gone on. And I know that if they knew (he has both parents and two sisters, and they really love him, and he them), they'd rally around him like crazy. He's turning 50 this year, and I know that his life is pretty much destroyed. All his savings -- gone. The only thing he has is his condo, and I wonder now if he even has that, if he's mortgaged it for drugs.
I've been an addict (and I'm recovered) and I know that he needs to help himself, hit bottom, yada yada. A mutual friend of ours who is probably the only other person who knows about this more or less reinforced for me the importance of leaving him be. But this is a guy I'd trust (well, before) with anything, so worthy -- and now this. I feel idle and angry and guilty.
Thoughts?
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I know how hard this is for you, but you also know that you can't do anything to get this friend clean and sober.
Of course, you can be there for him - for moral support and the like - when he reaches out. If he asks for help, you can offer him advice on facilities that can help him - you can even offer to take him, but you have to let him ask. It goes without saying that you must be very careful around offering any sort of financial help - this starts to become enabling.
I am a recovering alcoholic and no one was able to make me "see the truth" until I was ready to see it all on my own.
I feel for you, as it is human nature to want to help a dear friend and it isn't always easy to see that by stepping back and letting him be you are, in fact, helping in the only real way you can in this situation.
It is tough - hopefully you can continue to use your "mutual friend" to get support for you and to "stay strong" for your friend. I truly hope he can get through this and find recovery.
Hugs,
Mike