Ever Feel like giving up...

[raroy273]

I guess I am just overly depressed.  But I feel like I deserve getting infected with HIV and to die from it.  I also found out that the guy I was dating I gave him gonnerhea, did not know I had it, but dont want to get tested for it.  Whats the worst it will do?  Kill me?  Bring it on!  I dont have the money this month for my drugs, so I dont know if I want to stay on them.  I have the mindset that I deserve what I have, no happiness, love, good and forgiveness.  I'm already on an anti-depressant, but dont think that is doing any good.  I have not felt well the last week, and have lost the Dr's note I was provided.  Not going to call them just because I lost it, they have more important things to do and its my fault.  I must have done some really bad shit in a past life cause it seems that karma has it out for me. 

[woodshere]

First and foremost, YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS, NONE OF US DO.

Things happen in life, we make mistakes, trust someone who shouldn't be trusted, who knows what brought us to this point.  How you got infected or why doesn't matter, what does is that you take care of yourself.  You must forgive yourself!!!  I think once you do your outlook will improve and although things are tough now they will get better. 

Hang in there,
Woods

[Life]

Raroy,  We have alittle pact around here..  "Please dont give up"..   As Woods says, I echo that none of us deserves this.   We live a life of "Free Will."  You have been given many options in life.   Some of the choices we pick are not the best.   This goes for every single person on the planet who has made a mistake that has affected them either financially, emotionally, physically or spiritually.   Time to get really tuff and hold on.   I certainly have felt just like you early on.   I now have my moments of hiv, but they are just moments.    I think what you should do is call your doctor and ask for another note because you lost the last one.   Call your ASO and see about what you can do to stay on your meds.    None of us can do this alone, and I am sure you cannot either.   You are not unique to hiv/aids, you need just as much help, love and support as anyone on this site...  Dont be so hard on yourself honey....

Love,

Eric

[Dan J.]

Sure, I have feelings of wanting to give up all the time. I tell myself that ist's just the HIV trying to take control of my life and my situation. I REFUSE to give HIV anymore power over me than I have to. Talk to your Dr. tell him that you do not have the $ to pay for your drugs this month. He will find a way for you to get your meds. You need to be tested for gonnerhea, get the to the DR. ASAP.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I am not going to sit by and watch someone give up just because they have reached a rough patch. Your going to have more rough patches the rest of your life. You just have to fight your way through them.

I am going through a very rough time right now. I had surgery on Nov 30th. Developed a life threatening infection and spent 14 days in the hospital. & I am under the the of a home helth nurse for 2 months. I can't drive, or go anywhere. That is really hard for me because I am an active person with things I like to do everyday... Did I GIVE UP? HELL NO! I have too much to live for and so do YOU.

Do Not GIVE UP!

In Love,
Dan

[raroy273]

I cannot call my Dr cause the office is closed for this week as they are moving to a new location.  My ex-wife is getting re-married and he wants to adopt my kid, who I have not seen since she was 3 months old and is now 4.  I have not moved on from this.  I have not forgiven myself for this either.  I dont want to be tested for gonnerhea, why bother?  What's it going to do to me?  Cant be worse then what HIV has done.  I tired of swallowing pills, spending the money to stay alive for who knows how much longer.  I dont like where my life is.  I dont have a place of my own, I'm 27 almost 28 and still living with my parents.  I just got my bankruptcy discharged, so I cannot afford to move out on my own.  My car is dying and dont have the money or credit to replace it.  I see the Dr on the 3rd for a complete physical, so I guess I get tested then, but dont have a choice in treating it as they will give me drugs.  Im tired of having life dicated to me. 

[Iggy]

No words of optimism or don't worry it will get better for me - That's nothing but empty rhetoric in my opinion.  I state that because when I was in your shoes (to a degree) those type of sentiments made me feel more lost and more helpless.  (Please note this isn't meant to disparage those who might suggest hope or optimism - I am only talking of my own take)

What I can tell you and offer as something that can help you see your way through this is that we have the capacity to weather a lot of bad shit in this life and are a lot stronger than we can imagine.

Raroy, I was there, at the edge and just didn't see a way out of it all, but that doesn't mean that my not being able to see the answer meant there was no answer.  To be frank, I still have no clue as to what the fucking answer is  but I can tell you that just giving myself a chance to seek it and not give up has done a lot more for me than just accepting that it is all for shit.

I also hope that I am not touching on anything too sensitive here but you have mentioned previously some recreational drug usage and as one who did it as well, I can tell it that it has taken me a long time to clear the effects of the drug from my body - and I don't just mean the physical effects.  Don't underestimate the part that can be playing on you right now.

On the practical side to your worries, you need to speak frankly with your doctor about the medical issues and get tested for gonorrhea.  It can make a huge difference in your health the longer it goes untreated.  Also please speak to both him and your local ASO about needing short term assistance with the med bills.  They may be able to work something out for you.

I'm not suggesting that there will be an answer but I have found that I'm more likely to get help that I need when I let people know how badly I need it.

Finally, my thought about the child custody issue is moot (as is everyone else's here) as it is nothing that I can suggest with so little knowledge of the background.  I would hope that if you want to retain custody or a place in your child's life that you take the steps to protect your own health right now or else the question of the adoption could become moot.

[allanq]

Ryan,

I wish I knew the right words of encouragement. I know from experience that when you're depressed, it's very hard to muster up the psychic energy that is necessary to take any positive steps.

Please do not give up. I looked at your website and saw that you are living at home with parents who do not accept your being gay. Their attitudes and non-acceptance are probably helping to fuel your feelings about feeling unworthy.

I hope that you will find someone (perhaps at an ASO) who can help guide you through the steps that will enable you to get your meds. Gonorrhea is pretty easy to treat, and I hope you'll take care of that, too.

I wish you all the best. Again, please do not give up. Many of us on the forums have been through very rough times that did turn better.

Allan

[heartforyou]

"Ever Feel like giving up...?"

Oh yes.. every day..

And karma, my friend is only karma if you let it be.
If my karma is to live a long life and I cross the street with my eyes closed I will overrule that karma and die.

Nothing wrong with wanting  to give up.. but the fact that you found the strength to write it on the Forums means that you still care about yourself . you just don't know how to find the way out of your problems.
So, it is fine and even needs encouragement to go on posting about it.

When you are depressed selfblame is very common. It sort of justifies your feeling bad about yourself.
At least on here nobody blames you fro getting HIV.
We all are positive on here, remember? And most if not all of us blamed ourselves at one point or another... but hey,.. we are not gone get better or negative now. So , we all have gradually tried to accept the fact that we are in the same boat and we might be better of sharing our feelings on here.

Feel free to post and don't feel bad about yourself for giving you the blame...

Love

hermie

[StrongGuy]

Bud you're not alone - many of us have been where you are. Things starts to look really bleak...and becomes overwhelming.

Therapy and an anti-d for a period of time got me on a better track, but it was a lot of work. The meds and docs helped me at that time get my head in a better place to move to the next level. But I know it isn't easy. You may want to see about trying a new anti-d because, while they are not miracle worker drugs, they can help ya start moving in a better direction and it sounds like what you are on is not helping you.

When you're really down I know it's impossible to will yourself to not feel guilt, blame, and all the negative emotions that depression allows to consume you. But even during dark days keeping a glimmer of hope in the back of your mind can make a difference (it did for me) because you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I hope your doc gets you on a plan that leads you to a better place mentally and in dealing with the G and wish you all the best... Sounds to me you need more than words of encouragement to help you through this.

Be well...

[Queen Tokelove]

Don't Give Up!!!!!! I know thing prolly look real shitty about now but things will get better. It just takes time. Most of us are impatient and never gets things when you want them but when you need them. The first thing you need to try to do is forgive yourself. We all made some bad choices or we wouldn't be here in these forums. About your son....Not sure what state you are in but I thought the biological father/mother has to be notified in cases of adoption. But in the meantime, just focus on taking care of your std and getting some meds. The rest will come when it is time....

[Jeffreyj]

Giving up is unacceptible behavior, basically.

[Matty the Damned]

Giving up is unacceptible behavior, basically.

What a lot of crap Jeffrey and frankly, I'm surprised to hear such judgmental rot coming from you.

Giving up is entirely acceptable under the right circumstances and whether or not those circumstances have been reached is a matter for the individual.

As far as this individual is concerned, Roy hasn't reached that stage yet but let's not tell him what is and is not acceptable.

MtD

[DCGUY2007]

I can relate to how you feel. I was really down this weekend. I canceled a lunch date with a friend and basically slept a lot. But I am pushing myself to keep going. DON'T GIVE UP. You never know what is around the corner. Just imagine there could be something really great ahead of you and many of us. If you give up you will never know. Action first then motivation. Take whatever positve action is needed to keep going.Whether you feel like it or not,do something postivie now to make your life better. Posting here is one positive step. Look at how many total strangers have responded to you with encouragement. 

[9941_K]

Don't give up!!! This is my 2nd post on the forum and I can totally feel how bad / sad / depressed u are

Forgive my bad English, I'm from Asia and have been working for almost 12 hours today!

Today I just learnt my numbers are not good and may need to start meds very soon. I'm newbie and still adjusting my life and everything

Seeing so many positive-thinking friends around make me feel I'm not alone. So are you!


Hugs
K

[BT65]

Raroy, I have been where you are emotionally.  First, please get that gono treated.  If you think it's no big deal, just wait until you have to pea and feel like your dick (excuse my french) is on fire.  If you want to ever be around for your kid, you've got to take care of yourself physically. 

In my opinion, for an antidepressant to work effectively, it usually has to be coupled with some good therapy, which sounds like it could probably help you.  Believe me, I practice what I preach.    You probably really do need to talk to your ASO, as others have suggested, to see what can be done about getting your meds.   Just do one thing at a time.  Sometimes if I try to handle doing too many things at once, I get burnt out real quick and give up on everything.  For me, sometimes making a list of what's most important etc. is manageable.  That way I can focus and not lose site of what it is I'm supposed to be doing, which is easy to do when it seems everything's coming at me at once being depressed.  It really sounds like you're overwhelmed.  I'm glad you've got this forum to turn to.  Hang in there-

[cubbybear]

Ever feel like giving up? 

Yes most days... some more than others (I'm sure someone's spidey sense is tingling right now).  Hang in there matey and ride it out as best as you can.  There's plenty of support here if you need it.

hugs
Matt

[PJC0510]

Yeah, I felt like giving up!  But that lasted all of a day or two after being diagnosed.

I have never been anyone to quit or give up.  I got it, it is my own fault and I can either live with or die from it.  I prefer to live!

My suggestion is to find a support group, people like us who know what we are going through.  A therapist can help, but they have not walked a mile in our shoes!

CHeer up pally and have a good day!

[allopathicholistic]

I dont have a place of my own, I'm 27 almost 28 and still living with my parents.  

Hi Raroy, first I wanna give you a hug to say hang in there. Second, about this living with the parents comment, this isn't 1956 anymore. We're in 2007 and living with parents at the age of 28 is a much more widespread necessity than this country wants to admit. Please feel free to get all your feelings out here because there's no sense keeping thoughts bottled up.

[JPinLA]

Hey Raroy -

Yep, I sure do feel like giving up - somedays more than others, some hours more than others, really.

I think I understand your feelings and want to echo many other's comments that you'd be surprised how much you can handle and survive! 

Let yourself free to feel it all and come here or wherever you feel compelled for support when you want it.

I am sending out a big hug to you..wish I had more wisdom but just know you are not alone.

JP

[dixieman]

First, I want to say ... everyone on this board has givin you encouraging words... many have been there done that... made the best of a bad situation and moved on... its called Growing UP!... now I did some checking on the poz personal web site... you give a totally different picture? You state in your profile your in excellent health? your not! you have the possibility of having another STD on top of HIV... well thats not excellent.. so you need to face your demons... and your health issues by being checked... secound your extremely fortunate your parents are letting you reside with them... so you have a roof over your head...it may not be exactly what you want but, you are fortunate... I've known many people who would trade places with you because their families turned them away...  youv'e not only have  the responsibility for yourself but, you have a 4 year old daughter eventhough she is not living with you... you have a responsibility for her. You speak of swallowing pills everyday... whoopee? so I think everyone on this board is in the same boat as yourself... You need to sit back and be thankful for what you have ... sooooooooooo many others do not have the options you have... Quit feeling sorry for yourself... if you need help I'm sure your medical doctor can find someone who can listen to your mental issues... at present your not ready for a relationship... I'm not aware of all your issues only to what you have stated... but, you are giving totally two different pictures... I'm not writing this to dawg you... but, your not alone many on this board can relate as stated from previous posts... your ALIVE! and so many who are now dead would trade with you for a chance to be with the LIVING!

[Iggy]

Dixieman,

I'm all for tough love and hard facts and getting someone to help themselves instead of coddling them...but not when that is done from the point of dictating from what reads as a soapbox.

I would look at your post again if I were you and ask what part of it was written with concern and what part was written from judgment...and then remove the latter.

[raroy273]

I do need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with living.  Today I do feel a little bit better, but not by much.  I think it is due to doubling up on the Zoloft.  I do have an appoitment with the shrink at my Dr's office to help me with these issues.  I think I am just at the point of blaming myself for getting it and deserving it. Guess I am in more denail then I thought I was, I cant even say that I am HIV postiive on here?  Dixieman- as far as what you say about the two diffrent pictures, the one on poz personals did not want to upload here.  I dont update poz personals often, dont see why I need to.  I know the divorce completly shattered me and never dealt with those emotions and forgiving myself.  I was sleeping around with men when I was married to her, - this is the first time that I have admitted to that.  Instead of dealing with these issues I have choosen to just bury them and hope they dont come up again, but the do and each time they are more damaging then the last.  Being honest with myself is a good place to start, taking inventory of my blessings, stop focusing on the negative and making quit making excuses.  Anyone have any good self help books to recommend?  

[Paulette]

Four years ago i did, and my dumb ass even tried to hurry it up by self destructing with drugs and alcohol. and it wasn't until i ended up in ICU with renal failure(due to my drug use of meth) that it hit me really hard; That i didn't want to die i have three beautiful reasons (four if you count ME) to live. My daughters are my world and now four years later and over three years sober, I Love My Life.  I can honestly say that I'm in better health than hafe of my family and friends. Because i take care of me and maybe you should too, All it takes is a shot of penicillin to get rid of the gonorrhea.  Ya know even now I still have those crappy days, few and far between.  You have to realize that you are special and worth fighting for. you can't let HIV win.
Wishing you the best of Happiness.
Paulette

[Paulette]

Battlefield of the Mind
By: Joyce Meyers
That's an awesome self help book.

[dixieman]

Iggy if you read clearly and everything I had written it was to the point... and I also mentioned on this post to get with someone in the medical field who deals with mental health issues... as well with physical... he's not a child as all on this board are not... also I stated many on this board have given good points about the issues he faces... I stated mere  facts from the information given... there was not judgement involved on my point but, in pointing to the facts as presented... sometimes reality is a bit difficult to face up to... I've had too many friends take a different road and just gave up... and if you read in my statement I summerised that I was not posting to DAWG him... or down grade him... but, to think in the positive... I have no intentions to delete anything from my post... he was asking for people on this board for help!  well sometimes HELP is not sugar coated... to be politically correct is sometimes more damaging than the reality to get someone to seek the proper evaluation and HELP needed... by professionals.

[dixieman]

Joyce Meyers has written several excellent self help books to date... I forgot to add that... Paulette that was an excellent suggestion...

[Paulette]

Joyce Meyers has written several excellent self help books to date... I forgot to add that... Paulette that was an excellent suggestion...

Thanks Dixieman
I know I have several..
Paulette

[raroy273]

I will go get some.  I think I have battlefield of the Mind at home...Add that to my currently reading list of:  Healing is a Choice, Omega 3 Breakthrough, Jesus in the Margins, and First Year:  HIV.

[mjmel]

To reply to your subject line, raroy, yes....in the early years. Since then it's been an upward climb--sometimes it's been at the pace of a crawl but it was upwards. Fastforward 18 years--now--life got a lot better for me. I found someone to love and filled my life with him and animals. Only him. Lots of animals.
"We'll live in the sunshine, we'll laugh every day. We'll live in the sunshine, then I'll be on my way." mommas and poppas
xxx,
Mike