POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: lifer on July 23, 2007, 06:32:01 pm
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Hello to everyone,
Sharing my story with all of you after testing positive 2 weeks ago. I have an appointment this week for my second test, i pray that it will come out negative although dont really believe much in it.
Im only 19 years old and have been reading up on aids/hiv related posts and everything including medication, change of lifestyle etc etc.
I guess i dont really have questions i want to ask except for this. I think i got hiv from my boyfriend whom i dated back in march cause i tested ngeative in december 2006, i dont know for sure but i do suspect that because he also did escortwork and told me he did it a couple of times without a condom oh well. I dont really hate him or something. But he always told me that he was clean and had nothing and if he would ever find out he was positive he would kill the person who would have infected him and commit suicide after that. And the worse thing is that he does have kind of a criminal past so he would be capable of doing it and unfortunately he knows where i live etc etc. Now maybe telling me he was all clean and would kill the person was to just throw me off the thought that it could ever be him who could have infected me. My biggest fear is, that soon or late he will find out he is positive and will directly link it to me and come after me. So i dont know whether to confess it to him and maybe talk about it which i doubt will lead to a good outcome or just not say anything. im not really in contact with him anymore. so i really dont know what to do. i just hope he is not poz and i got it from someone else but my heart is telling me everything i mentioned above here.
as for me, im not scared to live or continue with life. i just dont ever want my parents to find out that i will die or died from aids. my dream would be to outlive my parents and die after that. i dont think about death much, but it does come into my head occasionally esp. on a lonely evening listening to sad music it does make me think of all this and how this could happen to me esp. since im only 19 years old.
also my motivation has really went down. i havent applied for a new trimester yet and dont know if i should or just drop out and live life to the fullest and see where it will all take me.
if all else fails, i could always end it peacefully with an overdose.
lots of love.
chris.
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Chris,
I do have a couple of suggestions for first of all do not take your life. There is a lot left to still live for do go ahead and sign up for the next semester of school. HIV/AIDS is a manageable disease that you can live a long and prosperous life however long/short. Do live life to the fullest but you do have time. Get the tests and the results cut out some of the stress and live a healthy life.
Michael
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Hello Chris,
I would like to start off by saying, 'Welcome' to the forum. You have taken the first step in dealing with this new chapter in your life. There are a lot of experience people on this forum who have managed the virus for as long as you are old. HIV/AIDS can happen to anyone and all it takes is one time. Secondly, I would like to say that ending your life is not the answer to your problem. You will only make it that more difficult for your parents. They would rather you be alive with HIV/AIDS than to be dead as a result of Suicide. As Michael stated, And by the way - my real name is Michael also, This condition is very manageable now. All you have to do is find you a good specialist, join a support group, eat well and nutriously and keep your stress level to a minimum and you will be fine. Lastly, Please GO BACK TO SCHOOL. You are not going to die because of your diagnosis. Think POSITIVE!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE! If you would like to hit me up privately please do so at uncutblkbear@aol.com
PositivelyYours
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Chris-
This is a lot to still live for eventhough u still have this bug. Just continue to live life to the fullest. Keeping on going to school. Just cut down on the stress and anxiety. Join a HIV Support group, find a HIV specialist; and things will b fine.
Rob
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I would avoid confess to him.
Milker.
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I would avoid confess to him.
Milker.
Hi i agree with milker too, don't talk to him anymore.. if he gave it to you, he knew he had it. If not i am pretty sure he will do it bareback with others (or have already done it) so by the time he got aids (because perhaps he had nevere really tested) he will not know who gave it to him...
Stop thinking about him, as he didn't think about you. Now you come first!!.
Get into the next trismetre, University is very exciting and you will discover you have lot of things to do despite hiv. I know a guy over here in my country who got diagnosed when he just started University and he stopped it. Thinking he would die soon... 17 years later... he regrets he didn't pursuit his career... don't do same mistake.
Welcome to the family!!!
Juan Carlos
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Hi i agree with milker too, don't talk to him anymore.. if he gave it to you, he knew he had it. If not i am pretty sure he will do it bareback with others (or have already done it) so by the time he got aids (because perhaps he had nevere really tested) he will not know who gave it to him...
How can you be so sure? 50-70 % of all new infections happen by people who are not aware of their status, or can't be aware of it because they're still in their three-month diagnostic window but are highly infectious nevertheless.
lifer, I'd suggest to wait for your final diagnosis and let it settle. When you feel strong enough, contact your ex and tell him. If he's unaware he should know it because there's a chance he's passing this around, unknowingly. You wrote you have no harsh feelings against him, so that should help when you talk to him.
As for your parents, disclosing is always tough. Not just for you, for them as well. Depending on how deep your relation is, it takes a lot of courage, but you'll gain a very important support group which you'll need in the months and years ahead, especially as you're quite young. Sometimes it helps if you take them your to doc so they can talk to him, too.
Anyways, the diagnosis is always a shock but this too will pass. It takes some time to get acquainted with it, but it's not a death sentence and it does not make you a leper. Life's still beautiful and you'll find it's still worth living. Many went through this before you, and many will follow.
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Not tell him? Your local health department will advise him without him ever knowing where it came from. Not to mention being so young you may or may not have health insurance so the health department can help with that too and you parents never have to know. You say he is a escort? Well if the health department tells him and he questions you then you can always deny it and at least he will know his status. Just my thoughts on the matter.
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Rather than focusing on "did he know?" think instead about why you allowed yourself to be penetrated without a condom. Shifting the burden of responsibility for your health at the outset of coping with HIV isn't going to make the process any easier. Unraveling the emotions and (lack of) reasoning that led you to take a raw load will be invaluable as you learn to live with the virus.
I contracted HIV when I was 17, back when a bunch of men around me in Houston were dropping dead of this bizarre cancer called Kaposi's Sarcoma or from Pneumocystic Carinii Pneumonia (dayum! I can still spell this sh*t!). I did a lot of sex work while also enrolled in a very selective university, and I could lose a lot of sleep over who I may have infected back then or up until I finally had HIV shoved in my face fifteen years later.
I know that men seek out commercial sex with the expectation of avoiding condom use, even today. I also know how easy it is to believe every word that comes out of a hot guy's mouth. Still, it doesn't reliieve a receptive partner of the responsibility for safeguarding his own health.
Not a sermon, just a thought.
Peace,
David
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Hey man I'm 20, found out I was positive when I was 19...it sucked. I still don't think I'm over the shock. If you need to talk to someone your age AIM me Airikisme or Email me Airikisme@hotmail.com
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I'm probably not the best person to talk to for advice, but you could PM me if you want. I am only 21, and was 19 2 years ago. :D Seriously, I usually can give others great advice even though I don't take it myself.
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I wouldn't just hop to conclusions on being positive until you have a confirmative test result. You should still post in the "Am I Infected" forum until such time you've received your confirmation test results.
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Rather than focusing on "did he know?" think instead about why you allowed yourself to be penetrated without a condom. Shifting the burden of responsibility for your health at the outset of coping with HIV isn't going to make the process any easier. Unraveling the emotions and (lack of) reasoning that led you to take a raw load will be invaluable as you learn to live with the virus.
I contracted HIV when I was 17, back when a bunch of men around me in Houston were dropping dead of this bizarre cancer called Kaposi's Sarcoma or from Pneumocystic Carinii Pneumonia (dayum! I can still spell this sh*t!). I did a lot of sex work while also enrolled in a very selective university, and I could lose a lot of sleep over who I may have infected back then or up until I finally had HIV shoved in my face fifteen years later.
I know that men seek out commercial sex with the expectation of avoiding condom use, even today. I also know how easy it is to believe every word that comes out of a hot guy's mouth. Still, it doesn't reliieve a receptive partner of the responsibility for safeguarding his own health.
Not a sermon, just a thought.
Peace,
David
Lifer-
These are wise words, indeed. heed them closely.
Like David, I was infected very young, probably from my first lover (what we used to call them, back in 1978) who died in 1988. I'm still very much here and doing pretty well, all things considering. HIV is hardly a death sentence, baby.
You use "clean" a lot in your OP. I'd seriously counsel you away from that specific word, as it suggests that we (you and I and everybody who posts here) is somehow dirty. I wash at least once a day, and down here in Florida sometimes more often.
Brent
(Who hopes Lifie gets a grip)
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Lifer -
I'm 23, and I just found I was positive in April of 2006. I remember getting the acute infection symptoms back in July of 2005, so I was 21 when I contracted the virus.
Please don't take your life, and please don't let go of your dreams. HIV is not the death sentence it once was. Nowadays, it's lumped into the same category as Diabetes - a chronic manageable illness. Your dreams are still VERY attainable. Don't let go of that star. Life is still worth living. I've attached a poem I wrote while I was coming to terms with being positive. Maybe it will be of some help to you.
Promise
By: Moltenstorm
A month ago seems like years –
a different time; a different place.
The interim has been filled
with laughter, tears, and grace.
For the first time, in a long time,
I’ve had to stop and pause.
I now have to figure out
the ‘what’ of my life’s cause.
A new intruder introduced here
with the world holding its breath.
It comes to rape and plunder
an already mortal flesh.
What will the future hold?
How am I going to fare?
These questions so encumber
an already burdened care.
Time’s hall is remembered once
just as clear as glass.
Now, I don’t even know
how long I’m going to last.
I stand strong
and resist the Cold,
but for how long
is it going to hold?
Where did it all go?
Those days of yesteryear –
when innocence and freedom’s wings
were only all too clear.
Once unfettered and carefree,
it all comes to a stop.
Now I live in waiting
for the other shoe to drop.
Time moves so slowly;
there are so many fears.
Only the night truly knows
about my fallen tears.
The future is clouded;
my step, unclear.
My promise to live is doubted
upon a wistful tear.
A stranger now, who I was,
in those days of yore.
The world seems so much different
than how it was before.
That person doesn’t exist;
he was irrevocably erased.
Upon a glance in the mirror,
HIV now has a face.
But I’m keeping hold;
I’m living bold
to prove that in the end,
Life is still worth living
no matter what it sends.
I have a dear friend who told me when I found out I was positive, "It is with a heavy heart that I welcome you into this world, but I offer you the hope that tomorrow will always be brighter." He is also positive, and he is very much alive and well. In that same stream of thought, welcome to the forums.
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it suggests that we (you and I and everybody who posts here) is somehow dirty
but I like it dirty :o
I'm sorry, I couldn't pass this one ::)
on a serious note now,
there are a lot of good messages posted here. I am sorry that you are so young and having to deal with all of this, but it does get better, it really does.
I was in college when I was infected and I dropped out. Later I went back but I lost so much time. If anything, learn how to take one day at the time, enjoy every moment as if it were your last. You'll see, one day, when you are old and gray, that live with HIV is not the end, it is still LIFE.
If I were you, I'd stay away from your ex, you don't want nor do you need that shit in your life.
I wish you the best and I hope you hang in there. Let us know how you are doing.
Rich
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Lifer,
From what you said in your first post, there is absolutely no reason to think you are different nor going to die soon. Oh gosh, I was probably infected before anyone knew about HIV and AIDS, like so many people. But many of us, are still here and some are gone forever, but you can't let what others say get to you. You have your whole life ahead of you and there is no reason you can't achieve your life's dreams.
I have been HIV positive since testing began and at this time of my life, some 20+ years later, "LIVING" with AIDS with many friends for support and taking a mere 6 pills in the morning and 13 pills at bedtime.
Keep your head up and remember, your life is worth more in gold, to your family and "close" friends you have here...
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Hi, hunny. I know what you are feeling. I am 20 and tested positive about two weeks ago. Don't end anything peacefully; go out fighting. Life is very special and important; your life is very special and important. I am struggling with the same question about school. Should I drop out and just enjoy life? Should I stop spending money on an education that I won't get much use out of? Well, here's my thought process...School gives me a drive; a sense of normalcy. if you will. I also don't want to be 30 when they find the cure and I am a non-educated, poor, no modivation loser. Then what? I am no longer HIV+ and have no life? So, just take one day at a time and enjoy. You'll be ok. Good luck and make sure you keep in touch with the forum!
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Hmm....
"Lifer" has not been back since the day he posted this thread, and I have a feeling he got confirmation of being hiv negative, not positive. (he said he hadn't had confirmation yet)
Paragon, please don't drop out of school! You're going to need that education and you'll have time to put it to good use too. You'll see.
Ann
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Hi everyone,
I am back and thought to share some of the updates with you. I went for the confirmation and was tested poz. again. Days before my second test, i didnt feel depressed or anything, i was back to the old me. Maybe it was the denial proces in me, not realizing the whole thing or maybe it's because ive talked to some friends of mine with the same issue and have been pretty much informed well on the whole subject, at least to know that im not dying, soon, at least.
Anyway, went back to the hospital day before yesterday got the blood tests done, will be contacted next week for the results. My hiv consulent told me he thinks this is an accute infection as i told him i suspect my ex bf infected me in what i think has been either may or june.And to be honest, now that i try to remember one of those days it occurs to me that all of the sudden there was this couple of weeks that i got big spots on my forehead, it was like acne but painful more like lumps. I thought it was very strange as ive never gotten that before but didnt think anything of it. After some time, they finally went away. NOW i think about that, i think it was pretty obvious that it was already my first link to HIV!!!
so my consulent told me that after the results are in, i might wanna consider joining one of those trials. Thats also something i wanna ask you guys, should i or should i not? the purpose of those trials is to supposedly to put someone on meds and after like 6 tot 12 months stop with the meds and expect him to last long without meds. (t cells would remain stable according to him). But i mean, its not called a trial for nothing, there is no guarantee, it might as well just last for like a couple of months until your cells start dropping again and you will be put on meds forever. also since i just found out about this whole new 'life' of mine, id rather stretch it out without meds as long as possible.
on a psychological note, i guess im doing good. no more suicidal thoughts, only regrets. i try to have as much of a social life as possible i guess hoping to bury the whole issue but i cant, i just have to face it and live with it. one of the remarkable things my consulent told me however was that he thinks hiv will never be cured as it also enters your dna and since you cant really enter that he thinks its all wishful thinking that hiv one day will not be a worldwide problem anymore. he does believe the meds will get better and better, but as for cure.... It did dissapoint me a little because ive talked to some friens of mine and one of the friends has his own big company helping children in need in africa suffering from aids so he is updated on research progress and such and he did tell me and there will be a cure within 10 years. now i dont know what to believe. i also think that the more we think and wait for a cure, the more frustrated we get with ourselves and also the more stress we have.
but umm yeah so im waiting for a call to hear my results and then i have an app next week again.i hope all will go well.
i also hope all of you are doing good too. thanks for all the words and the wisdom, i appreciate it! xoxo.
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Welcome to the forum Chris.
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lifer,
So glad to hear you're dealing with all this well. As for the study, do you have any more inforamtion about it? There are many people in this forum in studies and you could ask if anyone else knows about the specific one, maybe in the reasearch news forum?
Also, just wanted to add that although the Stimpson case was a crock of shit, the immune Ghana prostitutes Anotherman mentions is accurate and there have been semi-documented cases of a group of women in Gabon who apparently spontanously retro-converted (essentially cured themselves), which is believed to be because of a specific type of protein (tat) inhibitor they had in their bodies, so he does have something of a point. This is a subject of serveral vaccine projects.
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Hi Chris,
Your thread got hijacked for several posts and since you're new here and need support (as opposed to a hijack), I split the hijack out and you can now read it as a stand-alone thread here. (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=14734.0)
Ann
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HIV is not the end and there is more to live for. I hope you are well and seek someone to talk to and take some of that stress of yourself. Try to find a support group or a professional or someone to talk to.
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I have a dear friend who told me when I found out I was positive, "It is with a heavy heart that I welcome you into this world, but I offer you the hope that tomorrow will always be brighter." He is also positive, and he is very much alive and well. In that same stream of thought, welcome to the forums.
Oh my goodness, I had totally forgotten I said that. Who knew I had such a big ... heart. I just have to hide it better. Anyways, Lifer, welcome. I hate that we meet in such a place, but since you can not change your status, I am glad that you have found your way here. There are many people who are always willing to open up their hearts (and some times their mouths) to you. Oh my, that sounded MUCH dirtier than I expected. OK, I can't help it, I have such a dirty mind. Well, if you have any questions about anything related to LIVING with HIV, feel free to post on these forums. Everyone is here because they have some experience with HIV. Also, feel free to ask your primary doctor. He/she will be the best resource for your specific case.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in a pretty, and well preserved body. But to slide in broadside, totally used up, th roughly worn out, and loudly proclaiming, 'WOW... what a ride!"