Christmas reflections (out of the) blue!

[heartforyou]

I have been tired , very tired lately.My heart has been tired as well, my mind and emotions too. My legs, my knees, my feelings, my hopes, my present, my future.....tired, tired, tired.

As good as I may feel most of the time, as much fighting power I have had in the last 20 years with HIV, as positive I have tried to look at the situation, there are days and periods a grey blanket covers my life.
HIV? Most probably.. the grey winterskies...very much so...My business...well....guess.

Regardless of the good things that have happened to me these days are sad for me.
I think of my lover Jean-Pierre, who died from a heartattack on dec 9th at the sweet age of 32. Why did you leave me behind?? I was the one to go first.

I think of my best friend Magda, who took her own life on July the 27th of this year. Magda, you have shaken off the burden of this earthen life. What about me?

I think of all my friends that died  of AIDS, my colleagues, my granny.
It just feels like life is too hard on me right now.
The losses hurt today... the pain of fighting... life itself hurts....

I just needed to tell someone......

Magda, Jean-Pierre, granny....don't leave me behind for too long.


Hermie

[marco23]

Honey,
so glad you expressed yourself....time zone different....by this time - it's the next day.....Merry Christmas, babe!

[Eldon]

Yes, I AM Supporting You!

Hey Hermie...

There are times when the going gets tough. When it is like that the tough gets going. I express my deepest wishes to you and I also wish the BEST for you, Just try not to allow it to get to you. Just remember that things do happen for a reason and with some of these things, its just not in our control.

Slow it down for a while and take it easy. There are times where we just need to rest and to recharge our batteries. You are still here with us and that is the greatest gift of them ALL.

Take care of YOU. Everyone of of your friends are there with you in

Spirit. Be not dismayed no matter what...you already know who takes care of you.

"Don't You Dare Give Up, Don't You Dare Give In...Because It Is ALL Within YOU to WIN!!!"

[poet]

Hermie.  Warm wishes from the Cape to you with the hope that as we get through this holiday period, all the memories of holidays past, people from our pasts and into the new year you will find your answers for why you are here with us now, what everyone who is no longer around  you wants you to be doing.  We have all gotten through the shortest day of the year and it only gets longer, each day, by a bit, but still moving toward more light.  Win

[gemini20]

Hi Hermie,

Sadness and Christmas go hand in hand for me too - my Dad died on Dec 6th 1975 (aged 34) so I felt a definite twinge of understanding when I read your post. Time doesn't make it any easier to deal with either in my book, it just takes away the immediate pain associated with the loss.

My solution is to talk to him, and the many others I have lost. I frequently have 'conversations' with people who have passed over - it's my way of acknowledging them and allowing them to still have a place in my life. I light a lot of candles too - I have five on the go at the moment - three are now for the people you are missing.

I hope you will be able to rest your mind, body and spirit over the holiday period and perhaps the tiredness will lessen to some extent. Twenty years is a long time to keep up the fight; I'm only at 15 years but I definitely have those days when I think I can't fight any longer but the key for me is always to have something to look forward to.

I hope that 2007 brings you renewed energy.

best wishes,

Emma

[Alain]

Hermie,

We don't need the Holidays to remember all those special peoples in our life.

It does however make it a bit harder to get on with it at this time of year.

I believe that we owe it to them and ourself for that matter, carrying on and in some ways, celebrating their lifes.

Their memories, our strengh to help us get through this time and give meaning to it all.

Always.    

[Life]

Hermie, it breaks my heart you are feeling less than...  Please do not stay there to long....   Come out and play, only when you are ready..

Love

Eric & William

Merry Christmas Hermie...

[Christine]

Hi Hermie,
I truly understand your tiredness. I am there with you right now. As Robert pointed out to me in another post, someone, for some reason wants/ needs us to be here on Earth. Perhaps our souls still need to learn a lesson, perhaps our souls are meant to touch another.

The ones who have left before us have completed their journey here on Earth, and their journey continues on in Heaven. That is how I look at things. It comforts me during difficult times.

I also believe that those who have passed are with us everyday. Their spirits and souls are touching us everyday.

My husband and I now live in my Grandparents house. They built their house in 1955, and lived here most of their lives.

My Grandfather had a certain warm smell about him. Combination of his cologne, hair products...not sure what it was, but it was his smell.

And everynow and then, I will smell that smell, and I know he is here. Checking in, seeing how things are going. I always say Hi, talk to him.

Talk to your loved ones Hermie. They will hear you.

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones.

Christine

[heartforyou]

Thank you for your feelings of the heart.

It helps me to feel united with you all on Christmas.
I think my sensitivity is overtriggered by the global energy around Christmas.

Marco23 : yes, that is the reason I come here : to express myself instead of swallowing it in and get depressed.I have learned to cry for help on here...

Eldon : "things happen for a reason." It may well be time for some introspection after my devastating stress with the business, which is still not over. I know JP is here with me...but as a human I want to feel and see him..


Poet : yes, I am sure the shortest day of the year has an influence..it will take a turn for the better, as the son changes it's angle again. I am a child of light...

Gemini20, dearest Emma : I could feel the light from these candles.Thank you so much for that kind, loving energy. I decided to light all the candles in the house to have my loved ones with me..I do have something to look for. "Danny boy is coming over on Tuesday"..That rejoices my heart. It is time...Your dad left way too early.


Cowandalehouse : yes... celebrating our loved, gone ones is what I do. Of course it makes me miss them even more. ...once.. we will be reunited.

Eric baby : your light shines in the dark more then once for me... thank you.

Christine : 1955 was the year my parents built their house and I was born. Funny. I do feel Jean-Pierres "smile" or Magda's voice. I strongly agree that their journey here wasover. Jean-Pierre never seems sad when I see him in my dreams. But yes, it reminds us that we are humans and we are here for a reason. Sometimes though I wished I were at the other side already.. I guess that is called being a human ..
I will take them all with me when I go to bed tonight....

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. It is with a touch of sadness, but I am glad to have you around me in this "loneliest time of the year".

Thank you from all my heart.

Hermie

[marco23]

 

[LatinAlexander]

HUG...A RED AND GREEN (and obviously pink) HUG FOR YOU BOY!!!!!

Alex

[thunter34]

Hermie,


Hugs & listening ears from over here in the Georgia hills as well.  I back up Christine....I don't believe people go away.  They just shake our their bodies like old cumbersome coats.  I really do believe that.  Sorry things are so emotionally tough for you right now.  I understand- this Christmas has been unusually easy for me this go around.  Most times, I am right where you are emotionally.  Best wishes for peace, comfort & hopefully a little joy as well this holiday season.


Yours,

Tim

[ademas]

http://www.jamestaylor.net/sounds/HaveYourselfAMerryLittleXFull.ram

Merry Christmas, Hermie.