A couple questions

[virgo71]

I found out on October 18th and I'm now on Atripla and my numbers are good. I actually don't mind the high feeling from the drug (I don't do any type of drugs for the record). I take it as I go to bed and I only feel it if I wake up in the middle of the night and move around. I also have really nice dreams.

That said my questions are:
1) I've got a lot of anger towards the person that helped put me in this situation. In a moment of stupidity I agreed to fulfill my ex's fantasy and I ended up with HIV and Herpies. So stupid on my part. Will the anger actually go away or do you just deal with it? To make it even worse we work together.

2) I've had about 5 pimples in my life and this week I've broken out and was wondering if it's stress, the meds or the HIV?

I totally don't want to sound like a victim. I'm not happy with what's happened but I'm slowly accepting it and I would say on a scale of 1-10 I'm usually around a 7 or 8 (10 being happiest). I just hate the anger.

Thanks and Happy Holidays.

[Longislander]

Hi Virgo, sorry to hear the story, but glad you've decided to post. I don't have anger over my situation, so I can't help you out with that. No meds either. Someone'll be along shortly with the right stuff for you.
Welcome to Aidsmeds!

Paul

[Eldon]

Hi Virgo71...

It is unfortunate that you have tested positive for HIV. You are not alone when it comes to this. As far as the Anger is concerned, you may want to consider leaning towards the acceptance side of the issue in order to help you defuse the Anger. Here are a few suggestions that you may want to use on being less Angry:

• Make a conscious decision to be less affected
• Take a time out before responding. Breathe!
• Assess: Is the situation worth affecting your immune system?
• Allow yourself time to defuse.
• Ask yourself how you could under-react to the situation.

Granted it is a tough challenge with this situation that you are dealing with. However, who is it that you are hurting in the long run? Its not worth it. Do your best to try and focus on the things that you can change.

In my own way, I wish to extend to you a WARM WELCOME here at the AM forums. Here you will find the encouragement, communication, understanding, support, some cries, some laughter, and many of your questions relating to HIV/AIDS answered.

Truly, it is a diffcult health situation to accept. However, it is strongly recommended that you Deal rather than Dwell on what has occurred. This will help tremendously to cope with what has occurred with your health.

The Handshake Of Reassurance

We have a great group of Real People who will listen as well as answer you. We are here to Encourage, Learn, and Help one another as we all walk on our journey in this life.

With the consideration of implementing a Positive Mental Attitude, it will also assist you on your journey in this life as well as having a Positive Impact on your immune system and your overall health.

In fact, through your Positive Mental Attitude, it will help you push forward through ALL of the obstacles on your path that you are now walking on.

Talking and sharing our experiences with other people helps us see that we are not the only ones with problems. Feel free to come and vent with whatever is on your mind from time-to-time.

Often the act of writing and the ability to “SEE” your feelings leads to therapeutic insights and solutions..

In the interim, you may want to start taking a multi-vitamin, and some Omega 3, because it is all up to YOU where YOU want to be.

Exercise at least three times per week for a minimum of 30 minutes per day, as this will do you good to help keep that unnecessary stress away.

"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In... Cause it is ALL within you to WIN!"

[/list]

[Dachshund]

That high feeling is most likely from the Sustiva in the Altripa. It may produce some very bizarre dreams...in my case I know it did.

Sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things...including your anger. Check with your Dr about your outbreak of pimples. Check out the lessons and reading lists they are a wealth of info...and hang around.

Welcome,
Hal

[suzieque]

      Hi!
        About the pimples, I have had something similar everytime I started or restarted meds ( have had treatment interruptions) sort of like pimples but itchy. My doc says this is very common and is something to do with the immune system getting stronger, which is good right? They go away after awhile. Maybe this is what you are experiencing too?
        About the anger, it is only natural. It took me 10 years to get angry and for me it was part of my own healing process. Don't let it fester. I found seeing a therapist or counsellor really great, nice to be able to talk things through and let things out!! Acceptance is the best way forward Be kind to yourself. You only found out recently and it sounds as if you are doing really well! Feel free to ask me anything you want, happy to help if I can!!
                 Best wishes to you,
                         Suzie

[DanielMark]

Hi Virgo,

The only antidote to anger that I've found is the passing of time and the willingness to forgive – others and yourself. Since you’ve only recently tested positive, that’s not going to come overnight. Feel it, talk about it, rage about it, then let go of it.  Holding on to (hating) anger won’t help your health in the long run. Seems like you’re already on the way to letting it go.

Daniel

[poet]

Welcome to the forums, Drew! Glad that you found us so early after becoming positive since we can usually come up with answers. 

You asked us two things:
1) I've got a lot of anger towards the person that helped put me in this situation. In a moment of stupidity I agreed to fulfill my ex's fantasy and I ended up with HIV and Herpies. So stupid on my part. Will the anger actually go away or do you just deal with it? To make it even worse we work together.

My first warning is about the Sustiva in Atripla.  It may be just me, but I can find myself thinking some very, very dark thoughts once I have taken it and it begins to take ahold of me at night.  I can see this to be true the next morning, when I wonder why and how I got into thinking such dark things.  My resolution?  Never make decisions based on where my thoughts go at night on the drug. 

Second, your situation is like twine.  You have anger at your ex.  But you also have anger wrapped into it at yourself for agreeing to his fantasy.  If you tug at one, the other comes along.  So you have to settle accounts with him and you have to settle accounts with yourself at the same time.  And since you still work together, he is your past and your present staring you in the face, all the good things you knew about him, you knew about yourself as well as all the bad things you knew about him (such as why and how he became your ex.) and about yourself.  You still have to get your work done.  Time and more time and unwrapping the threads will get you past the immediate anger into all the other stages. 

Third, you will still end up being hiv positive.  That may be the hardest thing to accept.  It's not going to be like stopping smoking and suddenly, one day, feeling that you can breathe again.  Again, time.

2) I've had about 5 pimples in my life and this week I've broken out and was wondering if it's stress, the meds or the HIV?

It could be either or all of the above.  Stress will/can cause a break out.  Your immune system can allow a break out because it is focused on other things.  Meds. can also cause reactions called side effects which, unfortunately, are sometimes shared by many and other times shared by few.  Win

[mrtallguy]

Hi Virgo,

The good news is that you found this forum so soon!  I tested poz 4 years ago and wish I would have found this support mechanism sooner.   Everything happens at the right time so I'm glad that I have arrived...and I'm glad that you have arrived too!

I've been in therapy for the past year so I'm going to respond to your situation with your ex in the way my therapist would....while it was your ex's fantasy that you were fulfilling....what was in it for you?  We usually do certain things to fulfill our own desires as well.  Our own desires are not always good for us, mind you.  We think we are doing a good thing in pleasing someone else when, in reality, we are ultimately the cause of more problems or pain for ourselves.  I only bring this up because it is important that you don't repeat your behavior of pleasing someone else for their benefit only. (I've been there, done that!)  It may sound a little selfish but in the end we have to take care of ourselves first before we can lend a hand to the next person.  My therapist has alot of good info at his website (www.joekort.com) so I recommend checking out some of the articles and book references he has there to see if they have meaning for you.

As for the pimples....are they just pimples or more like a rash?  When I first went on Sustiva I broke out in a rash which happens to about 25% of those starting it....my doc had me take some benedryl and it went away in a week.   Otherwise I do notice that I have more acne since going on meds...seems to focus on my nose more than anything...probably a combination of meds and stress....I keep a tube of Clearisil (benzoyl peroxide) to manage any breakouts.

Also make sure you don't eat any fatty foods (nuts, snacks, ice cream etc) before going to bed as this can dramatically enhance the "high" and lead to any number of unwanted side effects.

Keep your chin up and Welcome to the AM forums!

Craig

[virgo71]

Thanks everyone for the great advice and kind words. It's funny, I really thought I was going to get some pretty bitter repsonses when it came to the people that infected you but that doesn't seem to be the case with the people that responded. This is good! Sometimes I just can't believe that's it's happining (like now, posting in this forum) but it is and I have to deal with it and you are all correct the anger is only hurting me. This isn't going to change overnight but it's time to start to let it go.

Also, the pimple are more like acne not a rash. And not having to ever deal with it I totally forgot about diet effecting it. By the time this is over I'm going to be eating rice cakes and water 

Thanks again

[Christine]

Hi virgo,
In the beginning (tested + in '93) I had all sorts of emotions; anger, fear, anxiety. I wish I had gone to a therapist when it was all happening, I think it would have helped tremendously.

I started talking to a therapist about three years ago, and it really has helped to be able to realease all the emotions and feelings that I have been keeping inside.

I went through stages similar to the stages of grief. Here is a link from a cancer page: http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm

It took me a while to get to acceptance, but i am there now, and you will be too with time and patience.

Christine

[allopathicholistic]

the anger is only hurting me. This isn't going to change overnight but it's time to start to let it go.

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. There are Louise Hay type techniques such as writing a "letter" to the person you're angry with and let the letter hang around your house for 2 or 3 days and then destroying it - In other words, the letter never gets sent. You write it for your own healing

[Lisa]

Hi, and Welcome to the forums.
I have persoally found that I tend to get a bit pimply when my stress levels are up, and lately I have been looking like a pizza faced kid.  holidays and all that shit............

I think Christine hit it on the head though. Now that I have had the luxury of time, to look back and review my own progression from diagnosis to present, I recognize that I did hit most of the stages of grief. Unfortunately the most difficult stage is the anger stage(or should I say the easiest). You're angry that your life is forever changed, it is easier for humans to express anger, than it is to dig deep, and suffer the emotions of fear. It is especially easy to be angry at the person we think infected us, but eventually we realize that it is ourself that we are angry at.
That is not easy to accept. I harbored a lot of anger toward my ex, because he knowingly infected me with brazen avarice. But in the end, it was really myself I was angry with. At some point, those feelings lessen with time, especially as you learn to be the master of your virus.
You have to learn to pay attention to your body, and what it needs, when before it just wasn't important.
I'm not gonna paint you a purdy picture of anything, but I can say that it can, and usually does get somewhat better with time.
My hardest challenge, was learning to forgive myself, and start figuring out what I needed to do to start taking better care of me. But trust, I ain't no guru, cause I still smoke a pack(or so)(or two) a day, drink cheap wine often, and eat really bad stuff.......
I just keep track of my numbers, make sure I'm faithful with my meds, andtry to keep the stress levels down as much as I'm capable.(HA! with a really messy life/damn kids)
Hang in there, and stick around for a while, you can really get a lot out of this site.