someone im interested in is positive

[need advice]

hey all - i am hoping i can get some advice on how to handle a new relationship. i just found out that he is positive and i am negative so i am a little weirded out but i think i really like him. i once had a false positive so i certainly want to stay negative but i dont want to just write him off because he is positive. we just met and have amazing chemistry...maybe even love at first site... but am afraid this news could derail that because i dont want to get infected.  he has been for two years and is healthy and not on any meds at this point. im just not sure what to do. i know a relationship is not all about sex but am wondering if there are safe sex things we can do that will not put me at risk?? i read conflicting stories about oral and rimming, etc and just dont know what to believe. if i am a top and wear protection i believe i am pretty protected.

because of my previous scare i have a big phobia against hiv and sometimes can be irrational about things...like thinking i might get it if i get semen on a cut on my hand for example. i am much more realistic about it now but still sometimes make me afraid.

anyone out there give me some advice? thanks so much! 

[Matty the Damned]

Need,

I'm gonna Assume Good Faith on your part here and trust that you're not trying to export your WW concerns from AMI to this Forum.

As we've told you previously, protected sex is just that - protected. If you and your HIV positive partner use in date latex condoms with water based lube properly and consistently then you won't need to be worried about being infected. Innumerable sero-discordant couples manage this, you shouldn't be any different.

You need to understand that all successful relationships are based on communication. You have to be able to talk to one another. You as the negative partner need to understand that this isn't all about you. A sero-discordant relationship is much more complex than just the fear of the negative partner potentially being infected.

Given your previous posts in AMI I would strongly advise that you and your new sweetie get some couples counseling to help you manage your phobia around HIV.

MtD

[need advice]

ok thanks for the advice and you are right, it is not all about me. i need to think about him as well and just take this in baby steps. thanks again! 

[ARMANDO]

i understand where you are coming from but have you ever concerned yourself with how your "irrational " phobias are effecting your positive partner?THIS indeed can be a very sensitive issue but you both have to be completely honest with each other and know what the consequences can be.I hope that you are not taking advantage of him emotional just because he is positive.I don't mean to come across as harsh but i was in a similiar situation and it devasted me.I was at a point where i  finally believed that i could have a normal somewhat healthy life even possibly falling in love again.I met someone who is negative and continued on what seemed to be a great loving relationship.WE had taken a trip to SAN FRANCISCO AND ONE NITE HE TOL ME THAT HE DIDN'T THINK THAQT HE COULD HANDLE ME BEING HIV+.I WAS totally taken off guard and this was the first time in a very long time that i actually felt like "damaged goods".THE next day we flew home ,we didn't speak the entire time.I couldn't believe that i had allowed myself to be in this situation!!WITHIN a few days he was gone.I was an emotional wreck,even at times i contemplated suicide.I WAS  angry and hurt but more important i felt   the disease inside me for the first time since i first was diagnoised in 1990.

[need advice]

thanks armando - i think i am being sensitive to his needs as well and have been honest with him about my history and fear of hiv. when he first told me i would have thought that i would have run for the door as soon as possible but i guess i must really like him. we are going to spend a few days together next week and i have made it clear that im not sure how far the sex will go if any and that is because of my phobia and i think he knows that. im not afraid to kiss him or anything like that but even when my mind knows there is no danger from something like mutual masturbation the chemical response in my body is different and I get anxious. i told him we are just going to have to take it in baby steps and see where we end up. at the same time i dont want to be worrying all the time that we might have done something and im going to get infected. so im trying to balance these fears/anxieties with my feelings for him. i dont mean to sound selfish but there is no easy answer for all of this. it really is ironic i suppose that a few years ago i thought i was positive, turned out to be negative, and now have met someone i like a lot that is positive. life is funny that way i suppose and you never know who you are going to fall for. i think if i can just get my head around the boundries of the sex part of the relationship so i dont have to worry about infection it will work out for us. we have already had the chat that we are going to take it slow and see where this relationship ends up and if nothing else we are going to be friends for sure. thanks! 

[ARMANDO]

well it does sound that you have done alot of serious and very mature thinking about this and i applaud you,you seem to have strength both for yourself and for him!!i wish you the best in whatever you guys decide.

[jojodiablo]

Need Adivce,

I have just left the situation that you are in, the person i am currently with is Poz, and our relationship is new. If you need anyone to talk to i am here.

[imjustagirl]

i understand where you are coming from but have you ever concerned yourself with how your "irrational " phobias are effecting your positive partner?THIS indeed can be a very sensitive issue but you both have to be completely honest with each other and know what the consequences can be..

So then what is the advice when the POZ one in the sero-discordant is the one with rampant phobias?

I have medical/health education in my background and I know (as Matty so eloquently pointed out) that the chances of becoming infected with properly protected sex are next to nil.  But there are MANY times that he completely whigs about it.  He says hes already taken our sons' father away and he doesnt want to be responsible for taking me away too.

I'm not phased at all.  I have no fears whatsoever.  I know what needs to be done and we handle it that way, so how do you alleviate his fears?

[need advice]

hi all - thanks for the responses. im feeling much less freaked out about all of this today...the hardest part is getting a handle on the emotions...logic and reason tells you one thing but your emotional response can be very different. i actually went and saw my doctor yesterday, he is gay and fantastic. i wanted to get tested just to make sure im in the clear and also get some advice from him on how to proceed and protect myself. he was able to alleviate a lot of my concerns and really said it boils down to wearing protection when having anal sex as that is how gay men catch the disease -- ie, not from bj's, rimming, etc. i knew that but its good to hear it from a doctor too.

its going to take some baby steps but i am more optimistic that i can actually have a relationship with this guy and be safe at the same time. baby steps! 

[OneMoreGuy]

These are my two cents in neg-poz relationships.

I was always one of those people who never feared HIV. Long story, but probably has to do with the fact that since I was a kid I worked at conquering any of my fears. That said…

My first poz relationships all happened during the time I lived in San Francisco and none of them ever infected me.

What I did experience was reverse-rejection. That means, that all six poz people I dated during my first year in SF ended up dumping me because they did not want to feel responsible for me seroconverting, even if we were being safe.

My personal belief is that we go through life trying to find that special man with whom to share ourselves. The search is difficult enough if we narrow it to only the ‘healthy.‘ I would rather have an HIV poz man who would love me and with whom I could spend as many happy years as we could together, than have a healthy man with whom I would not completely get along.

At the time it was estimated that 50% of the SF gay population was infected, increasing the chances that anyone I liked might be poz. I finally found a man with whom I spend 5.5 yrs together. He is poz, he never infected me and we had plenty of sex during the first five years.

If your going to date a poz person while you are neg, conquer any fears you might have regarding HIV. Otherwise, the relationship will be doomed from the beginning.

And remember, the HIV partner might have his own fears about the possibility of infecting you. After all, it is difficult for a poz person not to be concerned about the possibility of infecting the one he loves.