on the matter of keeping 'secrets'.....

[hopefully1]

 i have read the post about keeping orientation as well as status hidden from family.....i, too, am hiding from my family and friends. i recently found out that my cancer is back, and in fact-got my 2nd chemo just yesterday. no one in my life knows....and i've been asked why not by more than one person in my support network, mostly online........

 all i can really come up with is that i remember all too clearly the way they all looked at me when i went through this the first time. the pity in their eyes. the fear. the stress and concern......i just can't bring myself to share this burden with them again.

 it is my fight to win or lose, and the weight it would bring to bare on my family is just not worth me feeling better for a moment by telling them, my cancer is back.

 their knowing would not make me sleep any better. wouldn't make me any less fearful of the possible outcome. won't stop me from hurting physically.

 so i keep it to myself. i know it's selfish on my part to do this. it also feels humane. and if things get out of hand, i will have to tell them.....

 but for now-i hope to quietly beat this and forget it ever happened.

 everyone keeps something from someone.....usually for justifiable reasons. sometimes even honorable ones. my family assumed and shared the burden of my almost dying when i was diagnosed. they took care of me with no questions asked until i beat my cancer the first time. they have stood by me in regards to my status.......and in return, i hope to repay them by never letting them have to go through that painful situation again.

 just a thought from an idiot-

[surf18]

You are not an idiot!

[buginme2]

Why did you create a new thread? Why not just post in the existing one?  Now we have to go through all that again!

[hopefully1]

hahahaha like i said i'm an idiot......and my secret wasn't hiv or sexuality-it is different but, i thought related insofar as what to tell family and why or why not.....shoot me-lol

[LM]

Why did you create a new thread? Why not just post in the existing one?  Now we have to go through all that again!

What's wrong with you? Really, that was completely unnecessary.

hopefully1, you're not an idiot. I'm sorry for your cancer, but listen, it doesn't seem like it's good for you to handle all of this alone. It's only natural your family would be sad from hearing these news from you, but don't you think they handled it well in the end? Stood by you and no questions asked? Consider telling them... I'm pretty sure you won't be repaying them by hiding it. Imagine how hurt they will be if something happens to you and they were not there for you? Besides, going through this alone will be hard on you, and it's good to have people you love around you in this kind of situation.

[Ann]

Imagine how hurt they will be if something happens to you and they were not there for you?

I agree. I would be hurt - totally crushed - if my daughter hid something like this from me. I would feel like she didn't trust me and had absolutely no regard for my feelings. You may think you're sparing their feelings, but that's not really how it works.


edited to add...

Hopefully, I'm sorry, I meant to say first how very sorry I am to hear that you've had a recurrence of your cancer. You're in my thoughts.

[Ann]

Why did you create a new thread? Why not just post in the existing one?  Now we have to go through all that again!

And if he had used the other thread to talk about his cancer, you probably would have berated him for hijacking the thread. You just can't win with some people.

[Jeff G]

Hi Hope ... I'm very sorry you are dealing with cancer again .  I have to agree that if my family kept a secret like this from me and I found out ... and I eventually would ... I would be very hurt .

[wolfter]

Sending positive energy your way.  Regardless of your decision, you're still battling a terrible illness and wish you best.  I too tend to internalize things and not want my family and friends to know about certain issues I deal with.  

[hopefully1]

believe me, i have considered the consequences of my decision to keep this a private matter. but in my family, i have always been the selfless one. it's how i do things. it works for me.

and yes, if i am forced to tell them, they will be hurt. but if i don't, then they are none the wiser and free to go about their business hunky dory......

i know i'm not alone in saying that my diagnosis deeply affected my family. the cancer diagnosis the same day, the same time-well.....that was harsh. my parents world came to a halt. everything just stopped. it was all about me and my health. the paperwork. the worry. all of it......

and yes, i know how lucky i am to have had them by my side-but i can't turn their lives upside down again. not because i had unprotected sex and one thing has led to another.

nothing is ever easy. especially when family or loved ones are concerned-but i felt so helpless in those early days when i was so sick and dying.....and this is my way of being strong for them. to protect them. shelter them. allow them to enjoy what peace we've had since those dark days. if it is a guilt i can live with for not telling them, then so be it-they are better off for it. imho-

[Valmont]

So hard to make an advise about telling or not telling about health state to your family....

Sure, it is really heavy to deal with secret all the time, and see people, your family going on with their life, with their "problems" and now I'm also "on board", I understand well what living with a hard disease means...

In my case, I know from a very little time and I don't know about my numbers or my real state, I don't receive medicine and it doesn't hurt physically, but sure I feel very very worry about my new life....

At the beginning, I was thinking of telling it to my family for support.  But I live very far from my country and last years I had strange conversations about my life chooses (life was quite difficult for me 5 last years, before HIV...), they live in another world, I believe they love a lot, but I don't think they can believe me and I know that...

Telling them  I'm infected...  Why for???  To preocupate???  I don't think it is the good way and I don't want to make them decepcioned or being worry.  I think I can have much more support from people in this forum (and it is the only support I receive, it is a great one !!! except from my medic...)

Hopefully, I desire you the best.  It is important to be supported, but support can come from any place or people...  We all have our reasons to tell or not to tell, it is not selfish.  I don't know what your secret is about and any way... We are the sick people and have to look for the best for us ; if your family or friends don't agree is their problem, they can disagree or not understanding your chose for not telling them in the future and sure they would be sad, but you have to think first in what is the best for you...  You know, some people have so strange reactions that it is better to get far...

Nothing so see with idiots, you're not an idiot and feeling as an idiot won't help you...  Take a breath,  go for a walk and try to be with that real people that really can make you feel great...  I´m very sorry for your cancer and send you good energies

[mecch]

I am sorry about the cancer.
Well, now we know, and maybe your virtual friends in your cancer support group. So its not true that no one knows.
We all dealt with my dad's cancer without feeling pity for him that would make him uncomfortable.

It is perfectly human for people to feel concern and yes fear and stress when they hear a friend or family member is seriously sick.

I don't understand why would deny them working through their emotions for themselves.  Perhaps if you are in denial and don't want to feel fear or stress yourself, about your own serious illness??   Then it makes sense - you want everything to go on as "normal".  

But things are not normal if someone has a deadly disease. That's just my view.

[Buckmark]

Hopefully1,

I'm so sorry to hear that your cancer has returned.  I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, and I'll send you lots of good thoughts and prayers that you are successful in battling your illness.

As for keeping it a secret from your family, there are certainly differing opinions on this, and ultimately everyone (including you) will have to make the decision that is right for them.  Here is how I see it.

From what you have written, it seems to me that the news of your illness would be exceptionally devastating and disruptive to your family members.  Sure, it is terrible news, but it would seem to me that it is your life, not your family's, that has been devastated and disrupted by this news.  So it's hard for me to understand how the news would be hurtful to them, as you stated below. 

I don't know you, so perhaps it is a cultural / social difference. Maybe it is just your experience and expectations from your family that were established over the years.  In my family, I learned early (maybe way too early) that life would include bad news, setbacks, and losses.  These are something I can share with my family, and they can share theirs with me, and it gives us strength and support.  More than anything, I learned that these illnesses and accidents and death are a part of life you have to deal with, just as you deal with weddings and graduations and births.  I don't see a reason to ignore or hide something significant that is going on in your life -- be it good, or bad.

It just seems to me that you are carrying a very heavy burden all by yourself.  Maybe your family just isn't in a position to provide you with any kind of supports, emotional or spiritual or otherwise.  You say you are the selfless one in your family, and that it works for you.  But the tone of your note suggests to me that it is not really working so well for you.  If there is something you want or need from your family -- even if it is just an acknowledgement of your situation -- it's not going to happen unless you speak up and tell them what is going on. 

I hope you do get some support, even if it is not from your family.

Regards,

Henry

[Rev. Moon]

Hopefully1,

Just wanted to say that you'll be in our thoughts.  Stay strong.  Your decision to keep this information from your family is respected, but ideally you will reconsider it.  In the meantime I hope that you have some close friends or somebody else who can provide some support.

Hugs and best wishes.

Why did you create a new thread? Why not just post in the existing one?  Now we have to go through all that again!

Seriously?  This cattiness without even one word of support?  That was simply uncalled for. 

[hopefully1]

thanks henry, ann, and everyone else-

 i am fine. i am indestructible. i have beaten this before. and all that jazz......

 yes, i have my moments of weakness and fear-but i can handle this.

 but the last thing i want, whether i survive or not-is to go through the things i mentioned previously, as well as all the possible events in the future......

 the 'first birthday in remission', first this and first that since beating it again.....

 i'm just not into it. it drove me nuts the first time and kinda made me sick of myself. of hearing about how tough, lucky, or whatever else i am....

 i'm just some dumbass who used to get high and have random sex.....in all probability, i should have died so many times before----i just want to be normal, as mecc put it. yes, it's a false normal created by my own desire to return to some form of anonymity, but aren't all our realities creations of our own choosing to some extent?

 in any event, i appreciate everyone's input. and as in the other thread-there is no right or wrong answer on how to handle things......though some are clearly more popular than others or easier to live with or whatever-but this is my path. my responsibility. my diagnosis.

 and thanks for the well wishes, they are appreciated as well. in my mind-it's just cancer. it can only be as strong as i allow it to be. it can only win if i give in. perhaps i am an oddity of nature or maybe we all don't know each other very well, but you can all trust me-i'm good. nothing more to see here......tip your servers, drive safe! hahaha

[Joe K]

I urge you to tell your family, because not only do they have a right to know... but you are not the only one who feels helpless against this disease.  I had some close friends, who never told me how sick they were, until it was the very end.  I was really angry with them for doing that, because while I could not stop their disease, I could have been there for them and that was something that I needed to do for me.  Situations like this are never just about us.

[LM]

There's no harm in being vulnerable. I think the main problem here is the guilt you feel. It seems to me you blame yourself too much for the cancer, as a result of unprotected sex in the past. So you don't want people suffering for you because of your mistakes.

Well, first of all, you're not a dumbass. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone likes sex. And considering the impulsive nature of sex, everyone makes mistakes regarding sex once in a while. Some face consequences, some do not. You know, my father used to tell me he never used condoms, even when he cheated on my mom, and that he would never test himself for HIV. Well, he's still kicking, so I guess he never got it. I, for once, had unprotected sex just a few times in my life, and there you go, here I am. So forgive yourself, whatever you're going through, don't take it as a righteous punishment. Mankind didn't reach 7 billion people having monogamous, protected sex.

If you want to handle it without involving your family, alright. But if you feel weak and vulnerable, there is no shame in that. And do consider counting on friends. Friends are the family we choose to have and it's easier to feel less guilty around them.

[Jeff G]

My Dad died about 2 and half years ago . We had not been close or talked much since I was about 15 . We were able to spend about the last 6 months of his life together and it was because his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum , either tell your sons you are sick and dieing or I will .

He told me and we were able to have the time I needed to be at peace with our relationship . If my dad had gone on thinking in his stubborn head that it was too late or internalizing his false feelings that he would burden me and nothing else I would have never known some of the best months of my adult life . If he hadn't told me we both would have gone to our grave never knowing peace and love when we remembered each other .

The only thing his silence would have got him was a world of unresolved feelings on my part and a son who thought his dad never loved him .

[Ac75088]

So sorry to hear about your situation Hopefully...You are in my thoughts and prayers...And I think your attitude is awesome with this..u seem like a strong person