Sex while newly HIV positive

[Gudrun]

I've been positive for about 6 months now and sex has become a major source of stress for me since then. Being positive is still something that I'm still trying to accept and get used to, and it feels like every day I learn something new about myself and the virus. But anyway, lately its been getting harder and harder for me to have sex, even with my romantic partner. We're in an open relationship, so he's free to have sex with whomever, but of course he wants to have sex with me. The thing is, a lot of the time I'm genuinely just not horny, or I have other things on my mind. But lately, even when I'm the middle of having sex I just feel so uncomfortable; uncomfortable with my body, uncomfortable with my status, and then there's an added layer of insecurities where I don't feel sexy, or attractive.

Now it's getting to the point where when I have sex that I can't wait for it to be over. I've been trying to be open and honest about these feelings with my partner, and he's been receptive to them and tries to talk with me with a lot of empathy. But now we're stuck in this rut where he asks to have sex, and I don't want to, and then he talks to me about my feelings, but the thing is nothing about my situation has changed. I still don't feel good about sex or myself, and I'm unsure how to make myself feel better,

And now I'm starting to become even more anxious about having sex because he just seems to be irritated or checks out of the conversation whenever I start explaining my insecurities. And I'm starting to not be bothered talking about my feelings because I usually don't feel any better after talking to him. I'm starting to feel so much pressure to perform and in honestly I don't want to think about sex AT ALL anymore, I just want him to stop asking me about sex, and I want to stop feeling so anxious whenever topic is brought up.

Have other people experienced insecurities with their bodies and sexuality after becoming positive? I just feel like I need time to come to terms with things, but my partner isn't making it any easier. How do I explain to him that I'm still kinda grieving this whole thing? In all honestly I'm still kinda feeling that initial surreal shock, you know? like I'm still experiencing the fear and pain from when I first found out. What do I do?

[jayorangevii]

Hey Gurren,  I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I too had those same experiences with my partner although we aren't in an open relationship. For me it was wanting to make sure  I was UD for my own sense of security and then later it changed to just making sure we started off with condoms and worked my self up to feelingbswcure in my body, which for most people would say its unnecessary  but it helped ease my mind.

So in regards to your question I know you said you talk to your partner about your feelings and thats exactly what I did, but I made sure to always remind him that this has nothing to do with him and that I loved him, but that I needed to work on feeling good about me and that his support and not pressuring me helped me more than anything. I also told him that I had to be just as understanding that he has needs to and I can't make him feel like his sexual needs aren't important  either. We started off slow like masturbating next to eachother and him asking me whether him touching me or groping me was ok and comfortable. This allowed me to work up feeling better about myself and take my time while I was still fulfilling my partners need of wanting to be intimate and close.

Overtime that process of slow but deliberate intimate acts of touching and playing but constantly asking me if " does that feel okay" or "is it okay if I touch you there" or "let me know how I can help you" really helped me and over the course of two months we were able to work up to being fully comfortable and okay with eachother. And it made us stronger just through the understanding and consent. 

I know that doesn't work for everyone but it really helped for me and I hope you can find something that works for you as well in regards to what I wrote.