POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: woodshere on December 12, 2007, 09:01:09 am
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So last night I walked a couple of blocks from my home to get something to eat on what would be classified as restaurant row in Louisville. I walked for over an hour practically in tears, passed no less than 30 establishments even went in 2 and left, all because I couldn't decide where to eat or just didn't want to eat. I ended up buying a frozen pizza (the really cheap kind, that is virtually all artificial items on cardboard), watching a movie in the dark and falling asleep on the couch, for the 3rd night in a row. All signs of how unhappy I am. I don't what to do?
Right now things are going very well for me. I have taken on new responsibilities with my job which included a 23% pay increase and have gone from hating my job to at least tolerating and sometimes even enjoying it. The pay increase added to my extra income from a couple of side businesses have improved my financial situation 2 fold. My health is good, all things considered, as is the health of my family. (2006 saw my sister in the hospital for 2 weeks, my nephew break a vertebrae in a car accident and my mom have a heart attack). I have social activities all holiday season. With so many positives why am I always on the verge of tears and finding it hard to function?
In actuality the sad part is that I pretty much know why I am feeling this way, loneliness. Not so much from the lack of a BF, but just a lack of friends and more specifically a best friend. I am fortunate to have a large number of people that care for me and would do anything they could to help me. But when it comes to someone to have a beer with, grab dinner with or just watch TV, I pretty much have no one. I try to make connections but just can't seem to click with anyone.
And then when I start to read of the true struggles people are having here on the forums dealing with death, illness, financial stress I become very angry and feel guilty. How stupid it is for me to be so unhappy because I eat dinner alone when others have real struggles. I have no right to feel sad or unhappy. But still I can't seem to get out of this funk.
I really don't know what to do. I am currently taking 450mg of Wellbutrin XL up from 300. Thought it was helping, now I am not so sure.
I want to be happy just not sure if I know how. So what do I do?
Woods
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Woodsy,
Clearly you're suffering from a major depression. Are you having therapy other than medication? Supportive psychotherapy or CBT come to mind.
MtD
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Hey Woods:
You know, sometimes I know it seems like we "shouldn't" feel unhappy because of what someone else is going through. I'll share what someone who was dealing with cancer told me years ago. If you lose a finger, and you see my whole hand is missing, it doesn't cause where your finger was to hurt less. Everyone has a right to their own feelings. Is there a local support group for HIV there in your town? If you have friends already, can't you call one of them and ask them if they want to do something with you? You know, just get out there more socially. Find out what people are doing. You said you have kind of a full social calendar for the holidays. But, it seems like what you're missing is having a confidant? Well, look at the different people you hang around with, find someone who you really "click" with in a friendship way, and ask that person to do things with you.
I'm sorry to hear about the health troubles your family has gone through. But never discredit your feelings because of what someone else is going through. You know, that antidepressant you're on may not be the one; maybe you need a different one. Different antidepressants work on different chemicals in the brain and Welbutrin may not be right for you. Also, I would suggest seeing a good therapist. Sometimes getting a neutral opinion on things helps.
I hope you have a good holiday and take care of yourself!
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Sometimes, I think that that what's really bothering us can only be seen once things are going well in our lives. Having a job that one doesn't like, nagging co-workers, financial issues, etc can all take our time so we don't notice what's really not going right. I do have a best friend (my husband) and another non-husband best friend, so I don't really know the answer to that problem. What does work for me, when I go through those depressive spells, is staying busy. By that I mean physically busy with projects. This helps me focus on what's bothering me, which can be both good and bad. In a sense, I'm just substituting one distraction (my projects) for another (work issues), but it works in the short run. I've also found that getting quite a bit of exercise every day helps, but this is something I have to do daily for a while before I even notice its benefit. Like was mentioned earlier, perhaps some sort of counseling might help. I've also had friends on various antidepressants that had to change - the drug just quit working. Take care.
David
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Thanks. Was in therapy but quit going because of the expense. Now I can start back up. At the last dr. appt he said if the 450mg of wellbutrin didn't work then we would try something different. So I check that out at my next appt after the first of the year.
Mtd, When I see CBT only one thing comes to mind and while it might provide a bit of enjoyable distraction... :), not sure it will help in the long run. So you will have to explain what it stands for in this situation.
Betty, What you say is so true. For to, to long I have lifted myself out of these type funks by discrediting my feelings with the saying "There are so many more people worse off than you, snap out of it" and I am tired of that. Finding the balance of compassion and concern for others and dealing with my feelings is what I need to work on.
David, Yeah when I stay busy, which is most of the time, I don't notice the loneliness. I am just in a real down time now - finished decorating client's homes for Christmas, no weddings and church activities are in a lull. Last night was really bad because I had nothing to do and it allowed me to focus on the loneliness.
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Mtd, When I see CBT only one thing comes to mind and while it might provide a bit of enjoyable distraction... not sure it will help in the long run. So you will have to explain what it stands for in this situation.
Look honey, Matty the Damned shares all the problems that you queens have yet he's stone cold sane. Probably you need to stop being such a pansy and just suck it up.
You're depressed? You're also a gay deacon in a southern baptist church.
Go figure.
MtD
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i'm sorry you feel down, but am glad nevertheless that things in the real world are going well for you.
any recipe for happiness sounds clicheistic but i can only volunteer what works for me (and I am a majorly depressed person sometimes). for me happiness starts with acceptance, acceptance of who you are and your feelings as valid and existing for a reason, not to counter any emotion with a dismissive voice but to go with it and just accept that this is what you are feeling right now. other than that CBT has also helped me a lot, but you need to be persistant with it which I have not been. rather than chasing the elusive happiness, being in the moment and accepting it has brought me a peacefulness and a lesser amount of "white noise" which I equate with happiness.
dunno if this helps, but thought i'd share
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Woodsy----
Sorry, you are in a funk. I think what the others have said about therapy and the wellbutrin sounds like some good advice. I don't know about such things. I do have a bff and we have been friends for over 20 years. I use to go with her brother back in the day and we just clicked. The funny thing is that we are total opposites. I do caution you when trying to find a friend-----sometimes people will use you but still call you a friend, be careful with that. Most people I call acquaintances because a true friend will be there for you no matter what. And a friend usually shows up when you least expect them to....
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The wellbutrin is obviously no longer working, though if it did in the past perhaps a simple switch to another SSRI class med will suffice. Is your primary care doctor comfortable switching such things or do you need to see a psycopharmacologist for this? Otherwise, I'm never that comfortable with using these types of meds in the absence of one-on-one cognitive behavioral therapy, as otherwise you're just popping pills and not addressing the underlying problems. I know you mention cost, but at the same time you state you just significantly increased your income level so I'm not quite getting why you're resistant to this track.
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The wellbutrin is obviously no longer working, though if it did in the past perhaps a simple switch to another SSRI class med will suffice. Is your primary care doctor comfortable switching such things or do you need to see a psycopharmacologist for this? Otherwise, I'm never that comfortable with using these types of meds in the absence of one-on-one cognitive behavioral therapy, as otherwise you're just popping pills and not addressing the underlying problems. I know you mention cost, but at the same time you state you just significantly increased your income level so I'm not quite getting why you're resistant to this track.
Thanks Philly. My dr advised when we increased the mg of wellbutrin that we might have to try other drugs. So I trust he knows what he is talking about. And I not resistant to therapy. In my earlier reply I stated I am going to start back up, just have to remember his name.
Queen, agree completely with your assessment of friends.
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I agree with Philly. I found antidepressants alone helped to a certain point, but talk therapy was essential. Everyone's different but I found that approach to be the best. I don't take the antidepressants anymore but I still see my psychologist twice a month. I doubt I'll ever stop.
I hope things start feeling better for you soon and wish you luck...
:)
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Hi Woods,
Sorry to read you're having a bad time. Loneliness is one of the greatest ills in the world today. Rather ironic, when we are more connected now than ever before.
Anti depressants never worked for me, and I tried many different ones. There may be one that will help you, or there may not. The only thing that helped me (and still does) is twice monthly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
When I’m feeling down, I know I can magnify everything in my life, and mental confusion can be part of this living with HIV in us too. The therapy helps me keep things in focus, and if I can, to do something to change whatever is bothering me.
Daniel
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The only thing that helped me (and still does) is twice monthly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Ahhhh, now I know what CBT stands for, thanks Daniel.