I'm new here...and seek your assistance

[makhedha]

Hey, guys. I’m new here. I’ve been positive for over three years now but have pretty much been ignoring the whole thing…until now. It just seemed easier to do, I guess. To try and carry on as if nothing was wrong and hope that it’d go away. But it didn’t. Boy, did it not. And in that time I’ve managed to everything that can be done wrong. I’m pretty sure I’m resistant to the meds I was no, hurt the woman I’ve love and managed to keep my two kids at arm’s length.  If you ask me why I did what I did I couldn’t tell you. If I knew a reason I think it’d make things easier. But I don’t have or really know one. I didn’t actively decide to be a monster, I kind of just died and froze inside, and before I knew it nothing could move me anymore. NOTHING.  Not my kids, not my studies, not my job/jobs not the one woman I’ve ever really loved. I just could care about anything. Not even the meds that will keep me alive. I didn’t want to die, I don’t think. I just didn’t care if I did die. If I was ‘braver’ there are times when I could have taken more decisive action, and just end it all. But I didn’t even care enough to do that. didn’t speak to my mom for years. She’s one of the most important people in my life, and I love her dearly, but I just woke up and it’d been years since I last spoke to her. It’s like that with a lot of things. I look back now and I can’t recognize the person who did that. worse, I can’t really remember. Even the few things I do remember feel like they are someone else’s memomries. I did try to ‘fix’ things but realized the more I fixated on the past and tried to ‘fix’ it the more trapped I got in it. I’ trying to take one day at a time now but It’s tricky. There are a thousand reasons I’m here. I guess, the main one  is that I’m back on the meds now. And I just want to know that there others out there going through the same beautiful, messy, sublime, heart-breaking struggle. It’s not only the meds I’m worried about. I do think I’m really ready to do it right and will take them but I do know there’ll be days I won’t want to do it. Days I’ll just want to die. How do you guys cope? The main reason, I think, is how do you rebuild a life after so long beginning lost, drifting and just opting out? So long just letting things take you where they will? How do you let the people who matter to you know they matter? How do you let them know that it’s ok for them to love you again? You won’t hurt them like you did? You were scared yourself, and selfish to realize that they were scared to? How do you? But, most importantly how do you keep up on the dark days? How do you live again when, for so long, you’d put so much effort into not?
I’ve come out the other end almost like a child and I don’t really know anything and am confused by most things.
What I DO  know is this:
1-I’m coming to the light now after what has been some dark days. I feel so much more than I’ve ever done. This might sound an obvious and trivial thing to say but I had somehow managed to shut everything down so much that I didn’t hurt…but could laugh either, or love, or care or anything. The negatives went, along with the positives (see what I did there?). I just drifted. And hurt a lot of people in the process.
2-i love again. Really love. It’s the same person I’ve been with and was with when we were diagnosed. I really love her. I always did, don’t get me wrong, I always loved her, but kept so much back. I’m all in now. I see her and bottom falls out of my heart and it’s like I’m seeing her for the first time. Like we’re the last two people in the world and I hadn’t seen another human being in years. Every moment I’m with her is good moment to die. It’s the most alive I’ve ever been, and the most scared I’ve ever been too!
3-my kids move me again. The boy is responding so much better to me. He lets himself laugh around me again. And there’s not many things I’d rather do that be in the sand pit in the park with him. I’m working on the girl. Don’t see her as much as she lives with her mom.
It’s small victories, and probably granted for most, but that’s what I’ve got at the moment. It’s a slow process. Hard, and sometimes I feel like freezing again, but the little victories-the boy asking me to take him to the toilet instead of his mom, her looking at me without that pain in her eyes, with the beginnings of what can only be love again…and even just having a massive cry during a bad day! It’s all new but I’m learning from every moment, and trying to grow.
How did those among you who’ve been there come out, and, most importantly, stayed in the light?
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!

[tednlou2]

I just wanted to say hello, and to welcome you to the forums.  I'm sorry to hear about all the dark days you've lived through.  But, it sounds like you are now on a better path.  Did I read you right on that?  I understand there has been substantial collateral damage along the way. 

Have you been in therapy?  If not, would you consider it?  Therapy can help.  How is the woman in your life dealing with you being poz?  How about your family?  Do they all know?  It is good you're getting this off your chest.  Recognizing the self-defeating things we do is the first big step.  I wish I had some great words of wisdom.  I don't.  I have my dark days.  But, from what you describe, you've really had some dark days.  Compared to what you describe, I wouldn't even call mine dark days.  Maybe gloomy would be a better word for me.     

I'm glad you're working on things now.  You can't change the past.  Just keep working on being a great dad to your kids.  Kids are shaped by their relationships with their parents, as you know.  How a kid turns out as an adult is so much influenced by their parents.  I know you didn't mean to keep them at a distance, and you can't go back and change the past.  But, you can start again.  Any damage that came from the distance doesn't have to have a permanent effect on them.  I am assuming that they are still fairly young?  There is time to create good relationships.  It sounds like you're already on your way of doing that.  If they are older, then I think it would help to talk about all this.  I know you say you don't know why you did those things.  This is where a good therapist could help.

Anyway, glad you shared this.  I wish you all the best of being able to keep moving forward.  One last thing-- Has resistance to your meds been confirmed?  Keep in touch.

[makhedha]

I just wanted to say hello, and to welcome you to the forums.  I'm sorry to hear about all the dark days you've lived through.  But, it sounds like you are now on a better path.  Did I read you right on that?  I understand there has been substantial collateral damage along the way. 

thanks for welcoming me here. you're most kind. you did read right. been a long road 'home'. sad that 'home' always was more or less where i was but i was always looking elsewhere. that not exactly right. i wasn't so much looking elsewhere as much as i wanted to be anywhere else but where i was. the one reason i can really think of was guilt. everything and everyone just reminded of the mistakes i'd made. going around trying to work out who it might be that infected you takes it toll. and the same applies to trying to work out who YOU infected. in the end shutting the guilt down seems to be the only thing that works. but being the nature of who/what we are you can't shut the negatives out and expect the positives to stay the same. still, never loving, laughing, smiling etc seemed a small price to pay to have no midnight panic attacks,   sudden urges to run down the street screaming, dark thoughts of ending it all etc. so i took existence over living. worked for a bit, and hurt a lot of people in a lot of ways for much longer than it worked. so had to shut down much more and much worse to remedy that...and the cycle continued...


Have you been in therapy?  If not, would you consider it?  Therapy can help.

i did go for a while. but wasn't ready, i guess. in the end all that happened was i was asked questions i wasn't ready to deal with then stopped going before i really got the help to deal with the answers the questions brought, or more questions the questions gave rise to. i would consider it now, yes, but the appointments take a while to come round. have asked, though, and am waiting.

 How is the woman in your life dealing with you being poz?  How about your family?  Do they all know?

yes, she's positive too. and i made her that way. there's always a chance it might be the other way round but that's really just an academic possibility in as much as very little is ever certain. i'm 99.99% sure it was me. the kids are not positive, thank selah. my mom knows. i think. strange thing to say, i know. i'll explain. i've been in the UK for 15 years and not been back home to see my family. used to talk to them on the phone etc a lot but stopped all that, really, when the diagnosis came. would call in the middle of a bender crying etc so not really sure what i told her. but sure i'll have told her. can't bring myself to ask her just yet.

  It is good you're getting this off your chest.  Recognizing the self-defeating things we do is the first big step.  I wish I had some great words of wisdom.  I don't.  I have my dark days.  But, from what you describe, you've really had some dark days.  Compared to what you describe, I wouldn't even call mine dark days.  Maybe gloomy would be a better word for me.   

don't think your dark days were/are any less painful than mine. human nature to compare ourselves among ourselves, but what you feel, how you see the world, what moves you and what gets your your spirit soaring is so uniquely yours that comparison is redundant. the best thing about it is that you can at least put yourself in my shoes and get a sense of what was/sometimes still is. that's why i feel the genuine concern and goodwill from your post, i think. and how we can help others. sorry, it's morning and i have my wird head hope what i've just said made sense.   

I'm glad you're working on things now.  You can't change the past.  Just keep working on being a great dad to your kids.  Kids are shaped by their relationships with their parents, as you know.  How a kid turns out as an adult is so much influenced by their parents.  I know you didn't mean to keep them at a distance, and you can't go back and change the past.  But, you can start again.  Any damage that came from the distance doesn't have to have a permanent effect on them.  I am assuming that they are still fairly young?  There is time to create good relationships.  It sounds like you're already on your way of doing that.  If they are older, then I think it would help to talk about all this.  I know you say you don't know why you did those things.  This is where a good therapist could help.

Anyway, glad you shared this.  I wish you all the best of being able to keep moving forward.  One last thing-- Has resistance to your meds been confirmed?

not exactly. they're going to do the resistance test in three weeks because i've just gone back on the meds but over the past couple of years, more or less, i've taken them, stopped, missed loads etc that the likelihood is i'm resistant to them. and the doctors expect the same.
 Keep in touch.

thank you, for caring.

[BT65]

Mak, I'm so glad you're coming out on the other side of all that bleakness.   I've been through something similar, though mine was due to addiction.  I got into the place where I shut people out, even used to talk horribly to the people who meant the most to me.  It was years that went on.  I ended up in a nursing home because of the addiction, I wasn't able to take care of myself.  Even then, when I would get visitors, depending on who they were, I would talk abusively to them. 

Luckily, a lot of these people were very familiar with addiction, and though they didn't come around all the time, they still stayed in my life, in some respect.  One person, my best friend, is also my power of attorney, and took care of my financial issues through all that.  And my mom was always one of my best friends.  She always visited me, and brought me special things. 

Anyway, I've had 3 episodes of bad addictions.  First was heroin, second was alcohol, this last time was pills.  And believe me, sometimes I feel like I would like to take a Xanax or Valium to calm myself down when I get real upset or have panic attacks.  But all I have to do is remember being in the nursing home, unable to care for myself, wheelchair bound, incontinent, unwashed etc., and then I remember why I must move, or crawl, forward.

Both my parents have passed away in the last 5 years.  What getting off the drugs allowed me to do was help take care of them in their last days.  It was my pleasure.  Also, my daughter still talks to me.  And that's a miracle; lord knows I treated her very poorly at times during the bleakest days.  And the others in my life who are still with me, it amazes me.  I don't know that I could have that much patience. 

Just remember what those days were like, especially at their worst, and what you've accomplished thus far.  Do you really want to compromise that, and go back to somewhere that's mentally and physically draining?  I always remember what things were like, and that helps keep me from returning to that place. 

I also believe you could benefit from therapy.  It helps to get things worked out, sorted out, and put away, even mentally.  I would encourage you to do this.  And just don't slip back into that space where you don't care.  Just hang on.  Good luck!