POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: numbersguy82 on November 18, 2010, 05:09:28 pm
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So I have been casually dating a guy for a few weeks now. We met a few years ago when he played in the same sports league as my then boyfriend. We have stayed in contact and most recently we have been going out to dinner and getting to know one another better. My problem is that I've never had to disclose my status to anyone I was interested in dating before. I know that sooner is better, but because we knew eachother from before we haven't had the usual tell all, get to know eachother conversations like you would have when meeting someone new.
Part of me doesn't want to disclose. I haven't dated anyone since my diagnosis. I'm not sure if I would even want to date someone who wasn't poz. I don't think I've been with this long enough to answer all of these questions.
He is obviously in my same social network and I have not disclosed to any of those friends. So my fear is I will be exposed to everyone, and while that's not a bad thing, I guess I want to be in control and tell people when I feel the time is right. I don't know honestly whether to just draw the line as friends or am I just having the normal jitters about disclosing to someone for the first time? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. How did everyone else deal with their first disclosure? Did you hold off on disclosing and feel like it was a mistake and you missed out? Does it get easier over time like you develop a thicker skin or grow into greater self-acceptance?
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Tell him. If you're wanting any meaningful future with this person you should tell him. Particularly if you're gonna let him chuck one up you.
Also, you risk offending the AIDSmeds Disclosure Taliban if you don't. :)
MtD
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Tell him. If you're wanting any meaningful future with this person you should tell him. Particularly if you're gonna let him chuck one up you.
Also, you risk offending the AIDSmeds Disclosure Taliban if you don't. :)
MtD
Thanks Matty... Oh i don't want you to misunderstand I would NEVER have sex with someone unless they were fully aware of my status. I guess I was just wondering if these are normal emotions I'm having, or is it too soon and I should just declare it a friendship instead?
PS- meaningful future... I don't think that exists in my gay community lol
PSS- I don't even want to know what chucking one up on someone is!
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Hey Numbers,
My only advise is to go with your 'gut' feeling as to when to have the talk with your buddy.
I understand completely how you feel about the possibility of your entire network of friends finding out once you disclose to an individual among the group. Thats a hard one but again, I think you will know when and how to disclose this to him when the time comes. I also think that as humans, the desire to love and be loved is resident in us. Are your feelings for this guy more than platonic? I would hope that you dont shut the door on opportunity if indeed you want to be more than just friends with him.
Personally, I have reached a comfort level with my diagnosis and while I do not broadcast it to all my friends, I would never conceal it from a potential romantic interest. Its personal and yes, it is normal to feel the way you do. You sound like a decent guy and you deserve a decent guy in your life. Best of luck with this and please keep us posted.
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I don't know of any recommendations but wish you the best of luck. On another note, you said you haven't disclosed to "anyone"? That's a heavy cross to carry alone. Have you thought about a support group, or do you know any other poz guys you can share it with?
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Thanks Matty... Oh i don't want you to misunderstand I would NEVER have sex with someone unless they were fully aware of my status. I guess I was just wondering if these are normal emotions I'm having, or is it too soon and I should just declare it a friendship instead?
PS- meaningful future... I don't think that exists in my gay community lol
PSS- I don't even want to know what chucking one up on someone is!
I'm not sure Matty meant having sex with someone and not disclosing?? Maybe not?? I kinda read it as there are some who think you should disclose within the first date or two. And, I'm not saying anything is wrong with that or they aren't right. The sooner the better is probably best, but I'm not in your shoes and haven't had to do that. There is a lot at risk if you don't want your status broadcast to your entire social circle. But, I suppose that is what we have to deal with if we want to date. We'll have to trust people to not go blabbing. If you feel you both are getting serious and this is leading towards the sack, then you should probably go ahead and get it over with.
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Hey, also be lucky "dating" is a concept American guys understand. Nice to have that breathing time before...
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There is a lot at risk if you don't want your status broadcast to your entire social circle. But, I suppose that is what we have to deal with if we want to date.
Someone will blab, if not now the next time. If you aren't ready to deal with that possibility then you should stick to the bushes.
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Wow, that's tough Numbers.
My thought for what it's worth, is since you have been casually dating for "weeks" now yall probably are starting to have feelings for each other, when I start feeling those "feelings" I know it's time to disclose...same social circle or not. It's not fair to him if he is already getting wrapped up in you. ;)
But what do I know, I havent had a date in ages.
keep us updated on how it goes
-Wumpy
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First, I'm really happy that you are dating. That in itself is inspiring. For me, it would be great to just have a friend to go out and do things with. I"m with Miss Philicia on this. People blab! And they love to blab.
Someone will blab, if not now the next time. If you aren't ready to deal with that possibility then you should stick to the bushes.
But on the other hand, if you can deal with it, you might meet someone who really cares about you because they already know what they are getting. I had a Lesbian out me to every person she knew. But then I got approached by a bunch of guys, so some good can come out of it.
But if it were me, I'd have to ask myself "Do I trust this guy 100%." "If we split is he then going to blab?" "And really am I ready for everybody to know?"
If you aren't really sure, I'd wait. And if he really cares, he'll keep hanging around. Whatever you decide, you know you are loved.
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You have to ask yourself and answer all these questions to decide. Everyone is different and not all the people you disclose to will react the same.
!. How far do you see things going with this guy and does he feel the same about you? How do you know, or is it a hunch? Is he the kind of person that ranks your feelings important? Important enough to keep your health info private?
2. How will you feel if other people know your status if he is a gossip? Will it affect your relationship with others that find out or your job security? Will it affect your relationship if he tells?
3. Do you live in an area where there are a lot of "out" people so there won't be any shock value?
4. If things go south with this relationship, is he a vengeful type person that will spread the word to get even... and can you get along with that o.k.?
It is great that you are having a good relationship! People take the news differently. 4 people we told cried. a few didn't seem to be too bothered. Everyone we have told has respected our privacy; but again that list is not very many people, and we have asked them to keep this info private. 1person says it is a lie and refuses to believe it. There is one person I would not tell to save my soul, because he would probably take off work and use up all his minutes just to spread the gossip. Clearly you don't have the "gay" phobia against you, so that is a plus. You might start out asking him if he knows anybody that has HIV or if he has heard any of the news about possible breakthroughs that may cure HIV and see how he reacts and go from there. Best of luck to you buddy. If he turns all girly squirrely on you, he may not have been right anyway. On the other hand, some people freak at first, then come right back as compassionate friends once they had a little bit of time to digest that you are still a great and normal person. Good luck buddy, and don't let it stress you. ;) It is kind of like driving. You eventually learn when to signal and where to turn. Be well!
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For all you know, he might be poz too. You're not the only person in the world who hasn't told many or any. Good luck!
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True dat -- in Fort Lauderdale/Broward Co. you've got a 1-in-130 chance of landing a fellow pozzie (and that's from statistics that are six years old... must be even more fun by now)
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True dat -- in Fort Lauderdale/Broward Co. you've got a 1-in-130 chance of landing a fellow pozzie (and that's from statistics that are six years old... must be even more fun by now)
Yups, something that I read last year had a much higher number (not in the mood to go websearching right now). From what I recall it said something to the effect that (in the Miami Metro area --which includes Fag Lawdergayle) something like 13% or 14% of men who have sex with other fellas were poz. I'm almost sure that those were the figures (unless my AIDS dementia is affecting my ability to recall data). If I find that article I will provide the link.
Numbersboo, if things start getting more serious with this guy you will be better off disclosing. Staying quiet and simply ending the relationship wouldn't be wise in my book. As it is the dating scene in this lovely PNP town is virtually non-existent.
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When I met my partner we hit it off right away. The connection was pretty intense and immediate. One of the things that attracted me to him was his honesty. In our first meeting he just blurted out that he was HIV+ like he was telling me the time. His honesty only made me more attracted to him.
After having dated so many men where lying is a lifestyle, that kind of honesty was so refreshing, and endearing.
We've been together for almost 6 years now.
Best of luck on making the right decision for you.
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I still havn't told anybody and it kinda pisses me off that at the hospital they have all my info on the computer so every person that pulls my info knows.
That said, Back when I had a social network, I fell out of "The Scene" for 2-3 years when I quit drinking. When I showed back up a few years later, I cannot tell you how many people came up to me and hugged me and said: "We thought you were dead." Assuming I had gotten AIDS and died. That said, I do believe gay people in the right social network can and will be very supportive of you if they ever knew you and cared about you anyway.
The rest has already been said. Now, I don't live where there are very supportive people. I live around alot of homophobes and haters. Brevard County is sounding great right now.
Sorry I'm double-dipping here but there is always 2 sides to a coin. I'm happy you have some love in your life. That's awesome.
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Well man, I can tell you from recent experience it is hard. My feeling was and still is, we don't need to have a billboard across our head that says "I have HIV, be warned". Its fine to date someone and not say right off the bat (as long as you are not putting the other person at risk). How I thought of it was I wanted to let the person get to know me, who I am and not let someone define me by a disease. Than when YOU are comfortable, tell them. If they are the person that you think they are, they will not jump to any conclusions. I dated a guy for 4 weeks and finally told him straight up that I liked him but he needed to know something about me. He actually said "alright than I guess we will be careful huh". Granted we are not together anymore, but not because of HIV.
As for blabbing around town, give some people credit where credit is due, if you have dated this guy for a couple weeks and you think that he is a good person, he will probably respect your privacy. Now if he is an asshole, why are you dating him??
PS, I am currently going through starting to date someone again and we haven't had the talk yet either. It is nerve racking but when the time comes, it just comes. You will be good!
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If your income, physical security, or social support is not going to be damaged by your status revealed by a potential blabber.... Potential. (Maybe he is a good chap and even if he can't get into an HIV+ guy he might just keep it to himself.)
I'd disclose and let the chips fall where they may.
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Thanks everyone for taking the time to share your wonderful insight and kind thoughts. I think after reading what everyone has had to say, I am quite confident that I'm not totally comfortable at this moment in having my HIV status well known in my circle of friends. That and like usual I'm going to hide myself in my work and use that as an excuse to pull away from a potential relationship. A new position at work will undoubtedly keep me well occupied until spring learning all of the new ropes. Maybe then my feelings will have changed, but until then I guess I have all of you guys :p
Thanks again ... really from the bottom of my heart!
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Thanks everyone for taking the time to share your wonderful insight and kind thoughts. I think after reading what everyone has had to say, I am quite confident that I'm not totally comfortable at this moment in having my HIV status well known in my circle of friends. That and like usual I'm going to hide myself in my work and use that as an excuse to pull away from a potential relationship. A new position at work will undoubtedly keep me well occupied until spring learning all of the new ropes. Maybe then my feelings will have changed, but until then I guess I have all of you guys :p
Thanks again ... really from the bottom of my heart!
So does this mean you are through running around and you are coming back to me?
-Will
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So does this mean you are through running around and you are coming back to me?
-Will
Awwww Big Daddy you know how I feel about you ;)
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guys love the boys more if you play hard to get anyway. :-*
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If it is meant to be, he'll still be around come spring. No reason why you can't go out and have a little conversation and a fine meal once in a while. Good luck buddy! ;)
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Numbersguy, I know how you feel. I was diagnosed about a year ago, and around that same time, a guy from my work, who I always liked, started to express an interest in me. There's always been a bit of a spark there, but I've really had to hold him at arm's length a bit, because I'm still not comfortable disclosing, let alone to someone from my workplace. So I think he's a bit mystified as to why I've backed off for no good reason, but at the same time we're still friends. Hopefully you can resolve it in your head, but I do think you need time to adjust. It's taken me about a year to get back on an even keel really, so give yourself that space. I'm ready to start looking for a boyfriend again.
In fact now I think about it, it's just gone a year since I was diagnosed! Wow, time flies when you're having fun ... ;)
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Numbers, I'm glad you're taking your time.
Maybe as Granny suggested you can continue to see each other from time to time. If at some point he indicates wanting to get sexual, you can always say you're interested but not ready to "get serious" yet.
Just go at the pace that is right for you.
Cheers.
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Thanks everyone for taking the time to share your wonderful insight and kind thoughts. I think after reading what everyone has had to say, I am quite confident that I'm not totally comfortable at this moment in having my HIV status well known in my circle of friends. That and like usual I'm going to hide myself in my work and use that as an excuse to pull away from a potential relationship. A new position at work will undoubtedly keep me well occupied until spring learning all of the new ropes. Maybe then my feelings will have changed, but until then I guess I have all of you guys :p
Thanks again ... really from the bottom of my heart!
Should I fly down and fist you then?
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Should I fly down and fist you then?
Numbersguy you better jump at this opportunity, he doesn't offer to fist just anyone.
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Trust No One
(Dana Scully)
:)
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Numbersguy you better jump at this opportunity, he doesn't offer to fist just anyone.
I'll wear leather and everything... like the Ramrod home service
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I will buy a ticket for front row center , should I bring plastic or a raincoat like people do for a Gallagher performance ?
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I will buy a ticket for front row center , should I bring plastic or a raincoat like people do for a Gallagher performance ?
That's not necessary I have plenty of blue tarps for just such an occasion ;)
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I will buy a ticket for front row center , should I bring plastic or a raincoat like people do for a Gallagher performance ?
Sounds like another AMG fundraising opportunity has been found...Will?
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Sounds like another AMG fundraising opportunity has been found...Will?
Hey if it helped some of my fellow peeps get to SEA then why not!
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Sounds like another AMG fundraising opportunity has been found...Will?
Ah, you're a n00b... you've not seen my leather picture!
(http://i1007.photobucket.com/albums/af197/bedstuy65/IMG_1667.jpg)
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Ah, you're a n00b... you've not seen my leather picture!
So, Miss P is quite the hottie. Have fun, Numbers! :P
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Sounds like another AMG fundraising opportunity has been found...Will?
I'm on it!
-WIll
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Ah, you're a n00b... you've not seen my leather picture!
(http://i1007.photobucket.com/albums/af197/bedstuy65/IMG_1667.jpg)
P is that REALLY you? Such great bedroom eyes....I had you pictured so much differently (and that's not a good thing)
-W
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I've posted that one previously... not sure how you missed it. And exactly how DID you picture me??? :'(
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I've posted that one previously... not sure how you missed it. And exactly how DID you picture me??? :'(
Yes you have, so glad you did again, my other one has become shall we say somewhat used and tattered..... :)
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o.0 0.o o.0 0.o
Hmmmmm Miss P is that really you? Just this AM in the shower I was wondering what you looked like... not in that way but I do my best thinking in the shower. You actually remind me of a friend of mine. Might I add you are the most well manicured leatherette I've seen :)
Altho I still have doubts about this being your true ID... I mean I'm with Will, I pictured you so differently!!!
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Maybe it's the beard but that picture reminds me of a thinner more attractive (leatherclad) David Cross.
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I've posted that one previously... not sure how you missed it. And exactly how DID you picture me??? :'(
I already liked you anyway, with a photo or without. Your posts are always interesting and helpful, although with a touch of irony sometimes. :-*
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with a touch of irony sometimes. :-*
That's ironic in itself! ;D
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So just an update. My crush came over for Thanksgiving dinner which was awesome. Well this weekend has been the playoffs for his team so I went out this evening to watch his game. We hung out before the game and he mentioned that he hoped the concession stand was still open when his game was done because he could go for a beer.
Ok so as I sat in the stands I was beside an annoying Twinky couple. Well low and behold they were all about my guy. Tallking about how hot he was and cheeering him on. OK so no problem so what if he has a few fans. No biggie...
Then the last inning came and I prepared to head to the concession stand to buy him a beer. Then I hear from the annoying twink beside me "Should I buy him a beer you know he will want one, he's so hot he deserves a beer". Hmmmmm curious I'm thinking now but it couldn't possibly be the same person we are talking about.
Ironically I am behind him in line... the view was not any better from back there I assure you. As I buy my beer I decide to sit further down in a now empty seat. Second beer beside me. The last play happens and its over. Now I see my guy walking.... and he's walking right up to the twinky couple. Low and behold they hand him the beer. Now panic mode sets in. I can't possibly be seen here by him with a second beer for him which he clearly doesn't need. I dialed my best friend to weigh my options. Stay and endure possible humiliation or should I just flee and keep what little self dignity I still had intact? I chose to flee quickly high tailing it to the Audi which was conveniently parked only spaces down from his SUV.
So he text me a few seconds later apologizing that he didn't see me before I left. To which I responded it was probably best anyways :(
Ok seriously this is weirder than any tale of fiction. I have no idea how I get myself into these messes, but alas I currently don't have the usual self confidence to see the silver lining in this. For now all I know is the guy I have put all of my energies into is obviously not interested :(
Well this is my rant... perhaps fueled by a little grey goose, but mainly just the ramblings of someone very unluky in love lol
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>:(
Another option would have been to "trip" and spill the "extra" beer on the twink that needed to get his butt kicked.
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Alternatively, you could have struck up a conversation with the odious twinks with something like... "you mean number ##? He came over for Thanksgiving at my house! I'm going to buy him a beer after the game." Maybe that would have shut them up and the awkward after game situation wouldn't have come up.
I mean if the guy came to yours for Thanksgiving dinner, he must have some interest. Also, why would he text you afterwards if he was hoping to miss you after the game? I think you passed up a chance to make those twinks jealous. ;)
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Ah, I retract my earlier comment...I didn't realize from your post that you were watching him, play the game. I envisioned the two of you sitting in the stands watching his favorite team play (shows how much of a jock Zorro is :P)
I agree with Ann, you might have considered just staying and marking your territory. Sounds like the twink didn't know he was your guy and he was probably just being nice by accepting the beer.
Don't let the HIV affect your confidence, Numbers. What would you have done if you were neg?
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numbers obviously is in need of gay mentoring, but I will only suggest that in such situations one must ask oneself "what would [a gay male version of] Carrie Bradshaw do?"
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numbers obviously is in need of gay mentoring, but I will only suggest that in such situations one must ask oneself "what would [a gay male version of] Carrie Bradshaw do?"
:D :D :D
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ANN- That makes a ton of sense... I mean I def like your positive spin on the situation. Thanks for pointing that out :) Oh and also I only use the term "twink" negatively because I had my own twink card revoked last year LOL
EZ- I don't know if the HIV had anything to do with it, or if I'm just in a funk... which I obviously am. My BFF gave me some great advice today. He said "Alan you don't chase men, they chase you... for obvious reasons I mean you suck at it" LOL he told me to book myself into the spa and shave my damn face (I've been attempting to grow a beard)
Miss P... will you be my gay life coach??? I assure you the task will be neither easy nor quick however good fun should be had by all!!!
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So just an update. My crush came over for Thanksgiving dinner which was awesome. Well this weekend has been the playoffs for his team so I went out this evening to watch his game. We hung out before the game and he mentioned that he hoped the concession stand was still open when his game was done because he could go for a beer.
Ok so as I sat in the stands I was beside an annoying Twinky couple. Well low and behold they were all about my guy. Tallking about how hot he was and cheeering him on. OK so no problem so what if he has a few fans. No biggie...
Then the last inning came and I prepared to head to the concession stand to buy him a beer. Then I hear from the annoying twink beside me "Should I buy him a beer you know he will want one, he's so hot he deserves a beer". Hmmmmm curious I'm thinking now but it couldn't possibly be the same person we are talking about.
Ironically I am behind him in line... the view was not any better from back there I assure you. As I buy my beer I decide to sit further down in a now empty seat. Second beer beside me. The last play happens and its over. Now I see my guy walking.... and he's walking right up to the twinky couple. Low and behold they hand him the beer. Now panic mode sets in. I can't possibly be seen here by him with a second beer for him which he clearly doesn't need. I dialed my best friend to weigh my options. Stay and endure possible humiliation or should I just flee and keep what little self dignity I still had intact? I chose to flee quickly high tailing it to the Audi which was conveniently parked only spaces down from his SUV.
So he text me a few seconds later apologizing that he didn't see me before I left. To which I responded it was probably best anyways :(
Ok seriously this is weirder than any tale of fiction. I have no idea how I get myself into these messes, but alas I currently don't have the usual self confidence to see the silver lining in this. For now all I know is the guy I have put all of my energies into is obviously not interested :(
This ball game fiasco should be in a TV script somewhere on LOGO. Yikes, in reading it I felt so bad for you.
Observations:
Since yall hung out before the game it's obvious he knew you were there. Secondly, since originally you were sitting next to the twinks I'm sure he saw you. From this I would deduce that he is either not interested or he is a jerk, or obsessed with twinks. He should have made a B line to you not them.
Since you have been dating him casually for a few weeks, and he has been to your place for Tgiving, it seems he should 'know' something is in the air. Carrying this further, It seems like he would be super excited to have you at the game watching him, and it seems he would be checking the stands and making eye contact or something to show his interest....and it seems the FIRST place he should of gone too was you after the game.
The only way I would let this slide with him is if he didnt see you move down to the other seat, then and only then would he be excused from not coming to you first. Although, something about that sits wrong with me also.. " Well Numbers left so I'll go flirt with the Twinks and see if I can work a 3 way".
Conclusion: You're wayy too good for him.
\-W
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Dumping a beer down the offending twink's pants would have been a fun twist.
Apologies, sometimes I can be hateful.
Forget that idiot, he just sounds like trouble.
Big hug,
Hoover
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Miss P... will you be my gay life coach??? I assure you the task will be neither easy nor quick however good fun should be had by all!!!
I thought Wumpy was mentoring you. Obviously a wretchedly bad decision on your part, but I could have told you that.
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I thought Wumpy was mentoring you. Obviously a wretchedly bad decision on your part, but I could have told you that.
Numbers, I have to advise you that you do not want MissP as your mentor. Sure he looks all hot and sultry in his leather, but is that really what you want in a mentor? A sheep in Wolf's clothing, (err, leather)?
-Will
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Numbers, I have to advise you that you do not want MissP as your mentor. Sure he looks all hot and sultry in his leather, but is that really what you want in a mentor? A sheep in Wolf's clothing, (err, leather)?
-Will
Please. I teach children how to swim with sharks and live to tell about it later. Yours just end up as road kill in five seconds.
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Please. I teach children how to swim with sharks and live to tell about it later. Yours just end up as road kill in five seconds.
tl:dr
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The obvious choice for mentor here is Matty...speaking of, where the hell has Matty been?
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The obvious choice for mentor here is Matty...speaking of, where the hell has Matty been?
Matty is doing important political stuff in some country where otters have duck bills and lay eggs and have poison talons. I know right?
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He'd doing political stuff all right, but important? Pul-leeeeeeze!!!