Author Topic: Dating and HIV (Read 5352 times)

TNDude · « **on:** May 01, 2009, 02:05:06 am »

Fairly new to the forum here. I've been on Atripla for a bit over a month now and doing well with it. I'm starting to think about the dating aspect of my life again but frankly I'm scared/nervous about it. I'm about to turn 29 and dating has been the biggest issue on my mind since I found out I was poz at the end of last year. I've read info on here about disclosing advice and I understand it but I'm still struggling with how to proceed.

Frankly I'm terrified of how people I would date would react to me telling them. I tend to agree with the approach that I would go on a date with a person a few times first, to see if the relationship would have potential of going further, before needlessly disclosing my status. Sounds so easy. Haha. I guess I'm just afraid I could find a guy I really like, disclose it to him, and bam, he's gone like that. I know it's never going to be easy. I know some people will accept and some will reject. I'm just scared to jump into the dating game (even though a part of me is wanting to).

I know I'm rambling now but I wondered if anybody had any additional thoughts or advice. Thanks.

Cubwithaheart · « **Reply #1 on:** May 01, 2009, 04:18:11 am »

Hey TN

I just wanted to say I know the feeling about being scared. I found out about 2 months ago I was poz and since then my life feels like its upside down. The fear of rejection is a bit overwhelming for me at times.

I try not to let fear dictate my life. I know that I need to have social time and get out of the house.
But I also know I'm not ready for dating. Even before I found out I was poz I wasn't. But going out with friends or family has helped fill that gap for me.

mecch · « **Reply #2 on:** May 01, 2009, 06:57:11 am »

I hear ya. It's hard but what else can we do but try. There are plenty of HIV+ people who have found love so let's be encouraged forward.

sharkdiver · « **Reply #3 on:** May 01, 2009, 09:26:57 am »

I wouldn't date until you are comfortable with your diagnosis, whenever that will be.

Dwayn20 · « **Reply #4 on:** May 02, 2009, 12:44:29 am »

Hey Cubwithaheart my name is Dwayne my friends call me Scooter.Never let this get under your skin.Take it from someone that is still here after allmost twenty one years.Take one day at the time don,t let it rule your life.I forgot to tell you there is someone out there for you.My pardner has been there from the begining an he is negative.
Scooter

Quote from: Cubwithaheart on May 01, 2009, 04:18:11 am

Hey TN

I just wanted to say I know the feeling about being scared. I found out about 2 months ago I was poz and since then my life feels like its upside down. The fear of rejection is a bit overwhelming for me at times.

I try not to let fear dictate my life. I know that I need to have social time and get out of the house.
But I also know I'm not ready for dating. Even before I found out I was poz I wasn't. But going out with friends or family has helped fill that gap for me.

mjmel · « **Reply #5 on:** May 02, 2009, 06:11:05 am »

Dude, you have been HIV+ since end of 08? If that is correct, maybe you could give yourself a little more time. That is, you'd give yourself time to ease forward instead of jumping into the dating game. Maybe wait until you are not terrified about the rejection aspect but rather have a more calmed attitude about the risk factor.

First, get comfortable with yourself on this issue. There is an adjustment period we all go through after we are newly diagnosed. Each person adjust according to his/her shock, timing, conditions, environment, etc.
You wrote, "I know it never going to be easy." I ask, how do you know that? Perhaps disclosing will get easy. If you think on it, rejection is something most deal with whether we are HIV+ or HIV-.

IMO, you didn't ramble in your post. You just expressed your feelings, fearful thoughts, and openness to advice. It's part of the process of adjustment to this significant element in your life (HIV). Remember, it's not the sum, or whole, of your life.

Mike

camille07 · « **Reply #6 on:** May 02, 2009, 07:25:34 am »

TN-

I'm in agreement with the earlier post. Your dx is new in your life and you need to process this to your best ability. For me, the hardest part after being diagnosed was rejection. Everyone in my life knew about my status, but as far as dating, it became very challenging.

Camms

Dale Parker · « **Reply #7 on:** May 02, 2009, 09:19:58 am »

I agree with the other post that say wait until your more comfortable with yourself before you start dating. I think that if you can tell some one of your situation without getting teary eyed and can answer their questions comfortably you are probably ready to date.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #8 on:** May 02, 2009, 11:41:32 am »

I agree that one should wait to begin dating until you're comfortable with your diagnosis, but obviously to get to this point you still need to get past this "terrified of rejection" nonsense in your head, because that's mostly where it is. You, like most here, will inevitable experience rejection at some point. My question is, "so what"? Did you not ever get rejected for various and sundry reasons previous to your diagnosis? It's kind of like the first time you tried to pick up a guy in a bar and were afraid of being rejected, or giving someone your phone number for the first time in your life and being devastated that they never called you. We all learn, eventually, not to freak out about it. Learning curve and all that, but if you can tap into those past situations on a psychological level it will help you face things.

In the end it doesn't matter if someone rejects you for being HIV+, you're still "you" and you have the ability to move on down to the next person in line.

camille07 · « **Reply #9 on:** May 02, 2009, 05:20:11 pm »

My advice was in agreement with the previous post. I specifically put "For me, the hardest part after being diagnosed was rejection", because that's what I experienced. TNdude may never have to deal with it. For me I had my heart crushed after dating a guy for a year who, in the end, couldn't except the fact that I was poz.

Camms

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #10 on:** May 02, 2009, 05:45:37 pm »

If someone dated me for an entire year and came out with that statement I would assume that it was a fig leaf excuse for something else, but that's just me.

camille07 · « **Reply #11 on:** May 02, 2009, 05:53:25 pm »

Trust me, I wish it was something else. $:-\$

Dale Parker · « **Reply #12 on:** May 03, 2009, 01:06:01 am »

I truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone. My longest time friend used to swear that he would never date anyone who was unemployed (he's a total brain with very strong work ethics) or was HIV+. He has found his true love and guess what? He's unemployed and HIV+. They have a great relationship and fantastic sex life. They dated for 2 years and have been living together for 8+ years. My friend is still negative and has never even asked his partner his CD4 count. That's true love and trust.
Once your comfortable with your situation and can allow yourself to be loved you will no doubt find true love. It may not come easy but when it does, your new bf will love and accept you for whats inside, faults and all. Whether your HIV+, missing body parts, have warts on your nose, stutter or any other perceived faults. Not only is true love blind it really does concor all.
Best of luck
Dale

mecch · « **Reply #13 on:** May 03, 2009, 07:49:04 am »

Heartbreaking works both ways. You know, its silly to think that its the HIV- who is going to reject.

HIV- or HIV+ seems to be deal breakers for a few people in the beginning, when first meeting and considering, but if there is a choice not to pursue, there shouldn't either be much emotion yet, no love. Unless you are friends for a bit before you decide to..

Camille, and others, have related the experience that one can date quite awhile and finally the HIV- partner can just freak out and decide he/she can't really deal at all with being with an HIV+ partner.

I know the reverse is true. One time in the 90's a HIV+ boyfriend broke up with me becasue he didn't want to be with an HIV- guy. Broke my heart.

Just a few years ago my HIV+ boyfriend (he had converted during our long relation) told me that he had to have serious love affairs with other guys to "heal his HIV" and keep his numbers high so he wouldn't need meds. I was so in love with him I actually went along with it for awhile and it TORE ME APART. What a fool.

I think its about people and how they treat each other. HIV seems secondary somehow. I know it may be experienced or felt as primary challenge, but really, its secondary.

Dennis · « **Reply #14 on:** May 03, 2009, 10:39:02 am »

Quote from: mecch on May 03, 2009, 07:49:04 am

Heartbreaking works both ways. You know, its silly to think that its the HIV- who is going to reject.

I agree with you on your first statement, above. It's not only HIV- individuals who reject. I know a few HIV+ individuals who swear they would only date or have sex with someone who is HIV+. I've even seen this mentioned in these very forums.

Honestly, I don't demean those who are HIV- and refuse to date someone who is HIV+. I'll even go as far as including those who are already in a relationship and find out their partner has tested +. Relationships void of any major illness take a lot work on the part of both individuals. Throw HIV i(or any major health concern) into the mix and you have a possible recipe for disaster. Both individuals have to be mentally balanced and mature.

My last relationship was the first time I had seriously dated someone else who was HIV+. I presumed our status would be a shared commonality which would ultimately bring us closer. Ultimately, it was just another weak link which caused the collapse of our union. Both of us were in different stages. He was newly diagnosed. Me, not so much. While I had learned over years how to cope, he was still considering his diagnosis a death sentence. Forgetting how I felt when I was first diagnosed, I failed to show the compassion I should have. On the other hand, he used his diagnosis as an excuse for his behaviors. Somehow, we weren't able to meet in the middle.

Everyday, people reject their partner (or possible partner) for reasons less shallow than their HIV status.

Ciao,
Dennis

dtwpuck · « **Reply #15 on:** May 03, 2009, 12:18:53 pm »

Quote from: TNDude on May 01, 2009, 02:05:06 am

Fairly new to the forum here. I've been on Atripla for a bit over a month now and doing well with it. I'm starting to think about the dating aspect of my life again but frankly I'm scared/nervous about it. I'm about to turn 29 and dating has been the biggest issue on my mind since I found out I was poz at the end of last year. I've read info on here about disclosing advice and I understand it but I'm still struggling with how to proceed.

Frankly I'm terrified of how people I would date would react to me telling them. I tend to agree with the approach that I would go on a date with a person a few times first, to see if the relationship would have potential of going further, before needlessly disclosing my status. Sounds so easy. Haha. I guess I'm just afraid I could find a guy I really like, disclose it to him, and bam, he's gone like that. I know it's never going to be easy. I know some people will accept and some will reject. I'm just scared to jump into the dating game (even though a part of me is wanting to).

I know I'm rambling now but I wondered if anybody had any additional thoughts or advice. Thanks.

Disclosing is tough for a lot of people and there isn't a right or wrong way to go about it, as long as you go about it before hopping in the sack with someone. I've gone through most of the strategies in my life and have found that as long as I am behaving ethically and honestly, I've been fine.

So, while I tend to tell everyone up front because I don't care about who knows or doesn't know... it has not always been this way. Even the staunchest bit of self confidence can be rattled when it is rejected by someone who is really awesome. It's not always going to feel good and it's not always going to be easy.

Keep a few things in mind:

1. Figure out what is appropriate for the situation. Disclose right away if it seems right. Or, wait and disclose later. Either way has risks. You might get rejected by someone who could have grown into a great relationship... or you might get rejected by someone you feel something for. I can't say that either solution is perfect, but you can evaluate your options based on the situation.

2. Your partners have the right to know. You have a communicable disease. Yes, it's just a disease and all the stuff about stigma etc etc can be discussed elsewhere. You are also attempting to date , which implies developing the potential for a long term relastionship. (when you say 'date' I am interpreting this as something besides 'hook up'). If someone is trying to decide whether another person is an appropriate mate, then the level of honesty expressed in the beginning of a relationship is a key indicator of how well it is going to go. Plus, every potential sex partner has the right now know your status prior to the sex part.

3. Rejection hurts, but you will live through it. Rejection isn't always a rejection of YOU. Even when it is a rejection of YOU, you have to remember that you are not going to be the best choice for everyone you meet. Some people like apples; some people like oranges. If you are an orange trying to attract an apple loving guy, you will probably get rejected. This is not because oranges are bad; it's because person X doesn't like oranges.

4. Know who you are and what you need. This is harder than it sounds. But when you are self aware, it is a heck of a lot easier to put yourself into whatever context you might find yourself. Start asking yourself what your motiviations are, what are you really afraid of, and how would you handle it if the worst thing happened. I guess I am targeting fear here.

Some things I've tried and found to fail:

Serosorting. It is just too much work. There are a lot of guys who are neg who are comfortable with having a relationship with a poz guy.

Fake self confidence: The "I am out and proud about my status" stance rings false to most people. (at least the intelligent ones) I am confident about a lot of things, and I am proud of a lot of things, but my HIV status is not a point of pride. (unless we are talking about specific accomplishments.)

Pretending it doesn't hurt: Yeah, it hurts. But I have learned that I am bigger than the crosses I bear. And, when I am not, I have friends who can help.

Rejecting someone because I am afraid I might give it to him: I've learned my lesson about personal responsibility on this one. I used to say no to negative guys. I don't anymore.

Anyway, there are no perfect answers. But it is very good for you to think about what is right for you and what kinds of decisions you can make that will work for particular place in life.

denb45 · « **Reply #16 on:** May 03, 2009, 12:30:17 pm »

I do know this, if I EVER have to start dating again, and if I do find someone, It will be another POZ+, and no more Negs, I'm just too old, and I refuse, I just can't go thur all that shit anymore

18 yrs. of having a NEG Partner hasn't been a walk in the park for me, and that's for sure............

TNDude · « **Reply #17 on:** May 04, 2009, 12:44:01 am »

Thanks for all the replies. Helpful info.

decayingsinner · « **Reply #18 on:** May 07, 2009, 10:57:45 pm »

love has never change since my diagnosis. It is never easy.

dixieman · « **Reply #19 on:** May 08, 2009, 04:46:42 pm »

Dating and poz? whats that? few and far between but, being negative in this area is about the same... most of the guy's here just want to trick and be on their way... sad but, true.

decayingsinner · « **Reply #20 on:** May 09, 2009, 09:56:34 pm »

^unfortunately, yes.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #21 on:** May 09, 2009, 10:13:25 pm »

I always have the reverse issue where queens stick to me like a bad piece of soiled toilet paper on the bottom of my shoe. Hard to shake loose.

denb45 · « **Reply #22 on:** May 09, 2009, 10:53:51 pm »

Quote from: Miss Philicia on May 09, 2009, 10:13:25 pm

I always have the reverse issue where queens stick to me like a bad piece of soiled toilet paper on the bottom of my shoe. Hard to shake loose.

I get the Queens and the Crazy ones too, I must be a magnet or something, if I want to break it off, they want to kill themselves, or Kill me..............dunno why

talk about hard to shake loose, I moved to another City and State, and they still found me

some queens just don't understand what "NO" means

mjmel · « **Reply #23 on:** May 10, 2009, 05:40:19 am »

denb45 and Miss Philicia must be too sexy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39YUXIKrOFk

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Author Topic: Dating and HIV (Read 5352 times)