Relationship

[misteryboyy]

Hi guys,
I was diagnosed with HIV in Febuary 2016 with VL 33 000 and CD4 360.
Now October 2017 still not on treatment but going to start treatment soon.

I'm in relationship since 2 month and really I never been so happy in my life, the man I dreamed about is finally here and I can't believe how amazing he is but It's so difficult for me to manage the sex in our relationship, we had sex 2 3 times and that was really the most stressful sex for me, I can't even enjoy it because I'm thinking if something happen and if the condom break I will infect him so I was so nervious checking every 2 minutes if the condom is ok.

We didn't had sex last couple of weeks because I'm very afraid of infecting him, even without sex he is with me and doesn't matter how strong he want it he don't push me at all but I know this can't be for long time. I don't want to tell him at all.

We talked about this and I even can't explain to him why I don't want to have sex with him when actually I really want, I'm not sure I will be ok If I keep having sex with him and being nervious all the time. I tried to leave him few times because I don't want to mess his life but now it's even more stronger and I can't give him what he want.

I'm bottom so even if we have safe sex is it that dangerious? What if the condom breaks for a few minutes and later on I realised that? I heard it's really rare top guy catching HIV from already infected bottom? Guys what If I already infect him and I don't know ? My head is fully mess now please give me some advice I really don't want to leave him

[mecch]

Helo

My first question is - why are you on HIV treatment?   Most of the world now recognises that HIV treatment should be offered at diagnosis.  It will protect your body from further damage of an active infection and also allow your body to repair.  Finally, if you go on treatment and become undetectable, your worries and your partners worry about transmission can diminish.

Second, when I was negative in the 80 and 90s i had a few bfs and lovers who were HIV+ and would eventually die of HIV.  We used condoms and they never broke. 

Third, you could research where there is Post exposure treatment available for your friend, just incase that ever happened.

Fourth, he could consider PREP if that is available but if you are not on treatment, maybe its because you live in a place without a lot of access to medicine?

I think people in this forum would like to know the answer to my 1st question - when are you going to start treatment?

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Firstly welcome to the forum and I read your post and I am sorry to hear of the diagnosis. Also sorry to hear that this is having such an impact on you and in turn is becoming a barrier to a healthy sex life for you.

I moved your post to this section, its mainly open to seasoned forum members and the mod team. I will move it back later after we have gained perhaps a bit more insights and understanding of your needs and the situation.

I have to ask why have you have not started treatment?

The reason i ask is starting treatment sooner regardless of VL or CD4 count has been international reconsidered to have better health outcomes and is now the standard recommendation. The overwhelming benefit of starting sooner has been shown, studied and proven. See https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=51849.msg719533#new

Mecch, is correct. Use condoms and if one breaks than PEP is available to prevent HIV transmission for your partner, PEP should be started immediately after possible exposure, waiting no more than 72 hours and it is normally taken for a month.

Another option to add an additional layer of protection is   PrEP, this means your partner taking a daily HIV medication to prevent infection.

I know its not readily available yet for your location however you can order generic online, relatively cheap and do the monitoring through the doctor office. If you do decide to go that route, let me know and I will PM you the details on how to obtain safely PrEP at your location.  https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/pep-prep

We talked about this and I even can't explain to him why I don't want to have sex with him when actually I really want

This is a real shame, I am not sure why you can't talk your Partner. Do you feel he would not understand your fears? You know him better than me, but I do know talking in a relationship is critical and just by talking it could take a weight off. 

Take it easy

Jim

[misteryboyy]

Hi,
I live in the UK. The reason I'm not on treatment is that i wanted to take my time and accept my situation. I preferred to wait and then start rather than starting treatment and don't take my pills.
I don't want talk about my status with my bf because he is Muslim and have criminal records so I'm afraid he will get in panic and probably something bad will happen. We always had safe sex but I'm not ok I'm always worried if something happen and i dont realise. Is it really hard to catch HIV when u are insertive ? I'm thinking to split out with him because i really don't want to infect him but nothing you can do guys, just wanted to ask is it really hard catching HIV if you are top rather than bottom. 

[Jim Allen]

Okay.

Look we had a long thread about this "Tops" myth. Long story short unprotected intercourse is a risk to the insertive partner as well.

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=67587.0

Keep using condoms given the situation.

Now on the BF front, I'll not comment on the Muslim part too much other than I have never personally had a bad reaction from a Muslim. From people yes and maybe one day a bad reaction from someone who happens to be a Muslim. Who knows.

I'm not sure how you think it's going to pan out long term? Let's say in 5 years you are still together and he by accident finds out?

If your fears or belief is his reaction would result in harm to yourself or others?  Then I really do think you have to ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you?

Jim

[mecch]

misteryboyy - if you don't want to disclose to partner, then get the hell out of that relationship ASAP.  That's my opinion.  No need to disclose then, just get out.

You can't keep this from a partner.  Any partner of any gender or race or religion has the right to know this fact.