Going from Blue to Black

[rick21007]

Hi Gang!  I think I just need to vent a little here.  Appreciate the support everyone gives here.  It means a lot.

I cancelled my doctor's appt. today.  Work keeps piling up at the clinic and I am behind which always stresses me.  So I came in to try and catch up on paperwork.  Was supposed to meet with my doc around starting meds today since my CD4 has been dropping steadily and my VL is going up.  And no this wasn't an exercise in avoidance of the issue.  It just seemed to me there was little point to starting meds just to be a drone for my employer longer.  Changing jobs is not an option.  It would also mean relocating and the workload is pretty much the same everywhere in my field due to continual budget cutbacks.  My life consists pretty much of work, eating and sleeping.  Anyway I need the medical insurance and besides supporting myself I am helping out my husband to be able to finish his schooling.  That relationship isnt going real great due to being long distance at the moment and finances has precluded my being able to quit working to join him.  Also filing bankruptcy due to my ex taking me to the cleaners and nearly two years of litigation which appears to have been a lost cause from the beginning (judge was not exactly gay friendly.)  Well i realize I am whining here and I read a lot of posts from people who have much worse problems to deal with everyday, so mine are on the low end of the spectrum and maybe someone just needs to tell me to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself.  Family no support--I come from a long line of mega-religious rightwingers who preach that AIDS is God's punishment for those of us alread damned to hell.  thanks for the opportunity to vent.  There will be better days ahead Im sure.  This just aint one of them.

Rick

[Iggy]

Rick,

I understand the basics of your post and glad you just let it out. It's important that we don't deny what we are feeling nor need to feel ashamed of our problems not being serious enough compared to others.  It's what you are going through and it is valid.

I am confused though about what you wrote about your job and I assume I am just misunderstanding what you meant.

When you talk about not starting meds so not to be a drone for work, do you mean chained to your job or do you mean you fear how you will be at work while on meds?

 

[northernguy]

Sorry to hear you're having to go through all this Rick. Hang in there.

[next2u]

well, now that you have two colors down, remember all the wonderful ones that come after those!!

yeah, sounds like you have a rather monotonous routine going on, and lord knows that can be a downer without the hiv. hmm, what do i do? i usually go for a walk, find trival interest in some natural thing, masturbate, make something really exotic for dinner or interact with my favorite people at work. hope you find what you need man, until then, you know where we are : )

-d



edited by Ann to remove personal information

[BT65]

Rick, it always helps to talk things out.  Try to find some kind of interest that doesn't take up a lot of time.  I read before I go to bed. 

D, I sure would like to know what kind of exotic things you cook up.  I'm hungry right now, it's almost breakfast time.




edited by Ann to remove personal information

[rick21007]

Thanks all of you for taking the time to read my post and for all of your non-judgemental, encouraging comments.  Iggy--I meant that I feel chained to my job.  A lot of stresses piling up and there are times I just feel buried.

One thiing I am doing FOR MYSELF is participating in the NW AIDS Walk in Portland on Oct. 14th.  Participating means a lot to me.  I invited a friend at work and she said she would be honored to march.

Not that anything has changed except my outlook is better today.  Being about to ventilate here and feel your support helped a lot.

Rick

[anniebc]

Hi Rick

I read a lot of posts from people who have much worse problems to deal with everyday

Everyone has problems of some kind Rick..but that dooesn't make yours any less important, I'm glad you were able to talk about it and get it off your chest....sorry I don't have a quick fix it solution to your problems but I hope you can work through some of them.

Hugs
Jan

[BT65]

Hey, Rick, good for you for going on that AIDS walk.  Exercise is supposed to lift the spirits.