POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Lively on October 31, 2012, 09:53:34 pm
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So my older brother hasn't really been speaking to anyone but my dad (occasionally) for the past 2-3 years and this has really hurt me and my moms feelings and it would be nice to have my older brother as part of my life. I've been poz for almost 2 months now and While I was on a std positive website, I came across his profile, which was SHOCKING and saw that he has H. Now Im thinking maybe thats why he hasn't been talking with us this entire time. So now Im kinda wondering, with this newly discovered info, should i say anything to my mom? I wouldn't tell her what he has, just vaguely explain that he has a concealed illness, I don't want to just put his business out there like that, even though only my mom who is a extremely private person would know. I know it hurts her feelings because although she's not his biological mom she raised him since he was 3yr old. And Like i said before I would just like to have an older brother as part of my life. Im just trying to make sense of it all and figure out if thats why he stopped talking to us. what I should do about it?
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Put yourself in his position, how would you feel if a family member outed your situation to someone you hadn't told and didn't want to know?
In my opinion you have zero right to tell anyone about his private issues. What's even worse is he probably turned to that website so that he could maintain some sense of privacy, but get the support he thought he needed. Now that sense of privacy could be blown away because you want to make your mom feel better? If he wanted her to know, he would tell her, plain and simple as that.
If anything you should ask him directly and keep what you know between you and him unless he says it's ok to tell someone else. You never know, by you telling someone else about him, that could be his final straw and never speak to any of you ever again, if not make him do something worse.
This sort of situation is exactly why I created a new email address, used a very general user name that has nothing to do with me, and never disclosed my true age or city I live in. I don't need people revealing my private information just because they think they are doing some good.
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No -- you should certainly NOT saying anything to your mother about what you found out about your brother. Why? Well, first it really might not be him -- or true at all. Although the main reason -- it is none of your damned business. While I personally think that it is easier if people are open about their status -- that is still THEIR CHOICE.
Out of curiousity -- are you open about your status? How would you feel if you found out someone else informed others about it?
Perhaps, if you want to know why he hasn't been speaking to you, you should ask him? I mean have you reached out to him? Phones work in both directions.
Oh -- welcome to the forums -- maybe you should tell us a little about YOU -- we already know more about your brother than we do you.
Mike
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I only asked to get a outside perspective as my perception is obviously biased and has emotional attachment. I never said I was going to or planned to but as I said I just found out myself an hour ago. The whole point of getting other perceptions of the situations is to help make the most rational decision. Im the youngest of 4 and as far as privacy goes it has almost never existed when it comes to my siblings. From the moment I was born, they have always "outed" me to my parents so to speak or "blownaway" my privacy for far less, while I have still to this day kept loads of their secrets whether asked or not. And while i hold no malice towards them, that is how they have always operated. When it comes to privacy, they have gone through my personal belongings: phones, drawers, mail, and computer and shared the info with my parents no matter how minute or magnified the situation is. Im open about my status with my fam and my friends, which i am in no way saying that he should necessarily be because I am. And I know its him, their are certain details that definitely let me know its him (nothing to do with his profile stats). Ive reached out to him via phone and email. This is the only reason i can now think of for him suddenly dropping out of our lives, so yeah it may give my mom some closure as to why. Like i said earlier, Im not planning to do anything with the info just wanted to get another perspective.
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Okay, maybe your brother has violated your privacy in the past, but in the end, two wrongs doesn't make a right, does it? Ultimately, it's not your decision to let HIS status be known to anyone else. I'd definitely contact him to hopefully re-open the line of communication, but that's as far as I'd go.
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there may be many/some reason/s that he has been less than communicative with your family directly/indirectly related to hiv but that's for him to decide entirely. i have siblings and in my opinion they don't need to know period. i have many close friends that do know and both have been choices that i've made along the way for specific reasons in almost every instance. so in short keep it to yourself until he brings it up otherwise he's the same brother that he's been all along. you should still try to communicate with him but without the extra vigor of knowing something that he thinks that you don't. when my siblings question me on things that i don't necessarily want to share info on i tend to back away and they really don't get an answer and if they persist then communication gets not so good. persistent nagging with questions only gets in the way. sorry for the long winded version.
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So your first post here doesn't even warrant an introduction about your own status, but rather to discuss your brother's status?
HMMM.....Not sure what to make of my own observation.
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Thanx for the responses
oh and sorry i didn't realize an introduction about how my own status came about was needed as i already stated that i am poz and have been for almost 2 months. the story of how my poz status came to be is irrelevant to dilemma i have posted. No matter how i got poz, it doesn't change the fact that i am. so I don't really know what to make of your observation either.
But if you really would like to know, I contracted the virus from having unprotected sex with my at the time fiancé who contracted the virus from his infidelities a month prior. 1 month after the sex i found out i was pregnant, about 3 months later i found out about my status at almost 19wks and in the same week i lost the baby. Needless to say i am no longer in a relationship but my doctors project that i may be an elite controller, my numbers are extremely low, dropping and i am healthy.
Is that enough introductory info? guess i should have put that in the I just tested poz section. ::)
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Talk to your brother about what you discovered, but talk to no one else. Why is this such a complicated dilemma for you? He has a right to control who knows what.
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Look -- this isn't rocket science.
His diagnosis -- his story to tell -- IF, WHEN AND TO WHOMEVER HE DECIDES.
I found out that my brother was positive while he was lying in a hospital bed with PCP. No one else in the family knows -- I only know because I knew what the Pentamidine drip by his hospital bed was for and told him. He does not want anyone in the family to know -- despite it being a non-issue when I told them all about my status. I respect his decision -- even if I don't fully understand it. Did he pull back a bit from family -- yes. Does my mother wonder why -- yes. Is it my place to "give her closure" -- hell no. There, you now have my perspective -- and not just a "what if" perspective but an actual scenario that has similarities to yours (though not an exact match).
Now -- it is generally a good idea to introduce yourself on these forums before telling family secrets. We know your brother is suspected of being poz, he's pulled away from family, he's violated your privacy in the past, and he is adopted. We knew all that before knowing anything about you, except that you were poz for 2 months. Now we know how you got poz (although no one asked for that info -- we wanted to know about you) and that you lost a baby recently, but little else. It is far easier to offer support to someone when you know a little about them -- that is all we were asking for.
I hope your brother responds to you and that you two can start communicating again. However, if he chooses not to do so -- please do not stir the pot by "outing" him.
Mike
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I absolutely did NOT request specifics on the route/method of infection. That kinda takes me back to the good AIDS V'S bad AIDS stigma of the 80's that I don't wish to revisit.
My skepticism was that we knew so very little about you. Wasn't even sure what your gender was. Most people still have their own issues to deal with after testing positive just 2 months previously and your first concern is outing your brother?
That all said, I'll answer your original question. Keep your mouth shut as it's not your place to place additional stress on your brother while he comes to grips with his status.
Wolfie
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Lively;
With introductions out of the way.... and with sincerity, welcome to the forums and I am truly sorry for your diagnosis and loss.
As you see, the issue of disclosure is something that is (and should be) taken very seriously and I agree with the responses (as well as the tenor of the responses) to your question. I also appreciate you asking and checking in here for advice before talking to your mother - I believe that the advice you got here will provide for a better relationship with your brother in the long run.
As someone relatively new myself there are a few things that I try to keep in mind as I participate in these forums; The first is that it is easy to misinterpret and be misinterpreted - for example I did not think wolfter was asking anything about how you became HIV+ but more about how you are doing (emotionally, physically, relationship wise,...) being HIV+ yourself. Secondly, the advice here (as strong and difficult as it may be to take) is as honest as you will get anywhere and really does comes from a place of support and compassion.
Sincerely,
JM
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Hi Lively
Welcome to the forums.
Sorry about the loss. I know it may not be easy to handle, but sincerely hope you will be doing better as time goes by.
About your brother, I will echo what others have said: His status, his call. He "earned" it the hard way.
Hugs to you
Karry.