POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: texfire on March 04, 2008, 06:36:23 pm
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Hi guys,
Thought I'd introduce myself since I now have some personal interest in keeping up on what's new with HIV treatment.
Last week, I tested preliminarily positive and today got the positive confirmatory western blot.
I'm 36 year old medical professional, generally 'receptive' sexually, and not always safe. I should have known better.
Nevertheless, I guess that poor self-esteem led to bad choices and I can't blame drugs (don't do em) or alcohol even (do that).
I'm struggling with a few concerns primarily...
1) Awaiting health department call and interrogation about my previous sexual partners. I have had a mix of friends, causal dating, and internet hookups. Some I can contact, some I wouldn't know how. How much effort do you think I should make? Should I base it on the risk-level of what we did? For instance, if I just performed oral sex on someone, I'm thinking it doesn't matter. If I was the top with them, it certainly does.
2) I'm not really scared of getting sick or dying at the moment. I see that daily in my job so I'm somewhat 'hardened' to it. I'm more anxious, ashamed, disillusioned, etc...I imagine this feeling will greatly decrease with time. I don't see HIV + people diagnosed since 1999 feeling like this, so it'll pass for me to. Maybe I need grief counseling or something.
3) Struggling with disclosure to non-sexual friends/relatives. I'm not one to keep things secret, so holding it back bothers me. I'm also aware it is not their business necessarily. I work in a traditionally manly, macho field, so that's gotta stay a secret (they mostly know I'm gay though...). My parents are tough....my dad upon my coming out to him told me that it was unfortunate he paid for my college because I'd die of AIDS before I became a doctor. Well, he was wrong of course, but I'm currently thinking I don't need to bring up these wounds. Lastly, I have three close friends who I feel should know, but I don't want it to turn into a pity party for me. Any suggestions on how to semi-matter of factly bring it up and move on? I'm afraid they are going to be more emotional than I.
4) The thing bothering me the most is that I may have infected the guy I'm dating now. I told him the day of my first result and he's been incredibly supportive since. Got his initial test as negative as well, but I wouldn't expect him to show + yet. If he turns positive because of me, I can think of no worse thing I could do in my life to someone. I'm having a hard time dealing with this possibility. I'm feeling that if I gave it to him, I must stay with him forever. I'm not sure if I 'want' to do that though. And if he stays negative, I'm not sure I can stay with him... I am too fearful of giving it to him in the long run.
Luckily, I have some good things going for me, so I appreciate that. I make good money. I have easy access to health care. In fact, I see my Primary doc thursday, and ID specialist early next week. Gotta study up on drug therapy..boy things have changed since I first learned about therapy in 1997.
So, pre-thanks for all the help/comments/suggestions I see will come.
texfire
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struggling with a few concerns primarily...1) Awaiting health department call and interrogation about my previous sexual partners. I have had a mix of friends, causal dating, and internet hookups. Some I can contact, some I wouldn't know how. How much effort do you think I should make? Should I base it on the risk-level of what we did? For instance, if I just performed oral sex on someone, I'm thinking it doesn't matter. If I was the top with them, it certainly does.texfire
You should probably be as up front as possible. Even if someone turns up + and you weren't the source, they might need to get tested anyway, know what I mean?2) I'm not really scared of getting sick or dying at the moment. I see that daily in my job so I'm somewhat 'hardened' to it. I'm more anxious, ashamed, disillusioned, etc...I imagine this feeling will greatly decrease with time. I don't see HIV + people diagnosed since 1999 feeling like this, so it'll pass for me to. Maybe I need grief counseling or something.
Getting counseling, especially just after getting your Western Blot confirmation can only be beneficial. I've been + since (diagnosed) 1989, and I still see a therapist. Not always about the HIV, but therapy has been a great help.
3) Struggling with disclosure to non-sexual friends/relatives. I'm not one to keep things secret, so holding it back bothers me. I'm also aware it is not their business necessarily. I work in a traditionally manly, macho field, so that's gotta stay a secret (they mostly know I'm gay though...). My parents are tough....my dad upon my coming out to him told me that it was unfortunate he paid for my college because I'd die of AIDS before I became a doctor. Well, he was wrong of course, but I'm currently thinking I don't need to bring up these wounds. Lastly, I have three close friends who I feel should know, but I don't want it to turn into a pity party for me. Any suggestions on how to semi-matter of factly bring it up and move on? I'm afraid they are going to be more emotional than I.
Disclosure is a very personal issue. I think it could best be figured out talking to again, a therapist. Find out where you're at first. We can't (shouldn't) give you a concrete answer on that one.
4) The thing bothering me the most is that I may have infected the guy I'm dating now. I told him the day of my first result and he's been incredibly supportive since. Got his initial test as negative as well, but I wouldn't expect him to show + yet. If he turns positive because of me, I can think of no worse thing I could do in my life to someone. I'm having a hard time dealing with this possibility. I'm feeling that if I gave it to him, I must stay with him forever. I'm not sure if I 'want' to do that though. And if he stays negative, I'm not sure I can stay with him... I am too fearful of giving it to him in the long run.
Luckily, I have some good things going for me, so I appreciate that. I make good money. I have easy access to health care. In fact, I see my Primary doc thursday, and ID specialist early next week. Gotta study up on drug therapy..boy things have changed since I first learned about therapy in 1997.
So, pre-thanks for all the help/comments/suggestions I see will come.
texfire
I'm glad your partner is being understanding and supportive. If he turns out +, just know that fire is not going to come down from heaven to strike you.
Oh, and welcome to the forums. :)
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Welcome to the forums texfire
Sounds like you've done a lot of thinking about this already. You might want to read some of the past threads on disclosure and transmission risk to hear other voices and experiences, though -- I'm a pretty stubborn type, but I've changed my mind on a couple of issues after seeing the breadth of views and the different paths that people here have seen. There's a search feature you can use to find threads on these issues -- it is on the left hand side of the screen if you scroll down.
Overall my advice to you would be to slow down a bit on the action and spend a little time researching first. This is a chronic illness and its rare that you need to take immediate action unless you are dealing with a current opportunistic illness. In particular, on disclosure, once you disclose to the wrong person who spreads the news about, you don't have any chance for a "redo". So, especially while you are reeducating yourself on the therapy issues and learning what it is like to be on the chronically ill patient side of the fence, you might want to take a disclosure holiday except for those that absolutely need to know -- and in that category I'd put your current sex partner(s) and your personal medical team and nobody else. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that it is necessarily the right choice for you over the long term, just that it might make sense to preserve your options while you get your emotions and all the new info worked out.
But just a suggestion.
Wishing you the best
Assurbanipal
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Howdy, Tex. Sorry to see you here, but you came to the right place. I'm pretty new to all this myself -- tested positive in early October, apparently infected for a few years at least, and just started HAART due to poor lab numbers, so all I have to offer is a n00b's perspective. By the numbers, then:
1 -- I informed all my sex partners that I was able to contact. I figure it's up to them to decide what constitutes risk. Some got tested, some didn't, and one ignored me.
I didn't hear from the health department, so that saved me the trouble of "not remembering".
2 -- No counselling for me, thanks. I have a case manager helping me deal with the state drug assistance program, but otherwise I deal only with the people at the clinic where I'm being treated.
3 -- Disclosure is difficult for me, as I'm not out to family and straight friends about my sexuality. I feel that some won't have a problem with my condition and others will. For now, I've dealt with that problem by avoiding them all. I did tell my dentist, who also treats some of my family, and he was great about it.
As luck would have it, my line of work is a bastion of the good ol' boys. I may eventually tell my boss if taking time off for testing and doctor visits gets to be a problem, but for now it's no one's business but my own.
4 -- That was my great fear also, and sadly it came to pass. He stood by me even before he was tested, and now we're facing it together. It's not definite that he was infected by me, but probable. However, he won't accept that as fact. Ironically, I got tested in the hope that a negative result would bring us closer together. I got what I wanted, but not the way I wanted it!
I don't think it's right that you should cling to the guy if that's not what you want. After all, it may not be what he wants either.
For now you need to get some blood testing to see where you stand. No need to rush into anything unless you're having medical problems. Keep researching. I've learned a lot by reading the forums here. I suggest that you evaluate your diet and personal habits such as smoking and drinking, and start moderating them toward healthier living, if you haven't already. Be kind to your body.
Good luck, and remember that you've got a lot of livin' to do.
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Welcome to the forum. Hugs...
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Text, I welcome you with regret that you need to be here but also with gladness that you have found your way here. We're glad to be here for you.
First of all, you're already taking some good steps in terms of your medical assessment and treatment. That's essential -- having a good working partnership with your doctor is one of the best tools you can have for staying well.
As for disclosing in your personal life, I urge you not to rush. This is all very new for you. Once it's out there's no going back. Read our lesson on disclosure if you haven't already done so.
With regard to revealing partners, I would stick to the best of your ability to identifying those with whom you have had unprotected intercourse. In this as in so many other things my mantra is "keep it simple."
Your pain about possibly having transmitted to the guy you're dating is clear and almost palpable. Let's keep our fingers crossed that he ultimately tests negative. There's nothing to be gained by beating up on yourself about it.
You can always come here with questions and to discuss anything that is on your mind. Keep us posted on how things are going.
Lastly, I encourage you not to try to handle all of what you're feeling and sorting out on your own. Seeing a counselor or therapist to help you in dealing seems like a good idea to me and it has obviously already occured to you as well. Seeking help when you need it is a strong thing to do.
Cheers,
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Hiya Texfire, sorry you have to join us.. but hopefully like many of us you could find some supports and even useful information here.
I would also suggest you not to rush to disclose to people that you barely know and only hooked up for sex. I felt the same thing at first but then I realized that most of those folks, like me, were willing participants of risky behaviors. Although it shouldn't mean that we should do nothing, we shouldn't do it only because it's expected that we do it out of a sense of obligation. It's not like they don't know there's a seriously risk of getting infected each time they don't use a condom.
Like you there are people that I cannot get in touch. As all my risky behaviors happened in other countries/cities, I managed to send notes to up to two dozen people - I only received two replies, one said, "I thought you were already positive", another, "why did you have to tell me?!". When I answered I thought I should, he replied, "shit, I thought I could just go on and not care til I drop dead. Now I can't anymore." For this guy, I hope I did the right thing.
So, if you think you want to do it, make sure you're prepared...
Hugs, Shaun
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Hi guys,
Thanks a bunch for responding.
I think what might be best is if I self-impose a two to 4 week moratorium on telling most people. That way, I can have my lab results and see where I stand lab wise in terms of health. I've only told 2 people (my current partner and a recently diagnosed friend) but I still feel like this secret is burning up in side of me....I'm so out otherwise...
Once again thanks for everything and I'll keep stuff updated...
chris
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Hello all, I guess it's my turn to introduce myself.
I'm a 39 year old married male in S. Florida, father of three, 2 biological sons and an adoptive daughter. Spent 10 years in the military and have been a cop for 15.
I was made aware of my status when I took a military re-enlistment physical. I wanted to finish my last 10 in the reserves, and Yes I know there's a war going on, but, I believe in leaving my children a better world.
I figured I must have been recently infected, between the family being negative and me never being sick , I mean ever. I work a butt-load of hours, eat normally, work out regularly, I didn't even realize anything was wrong.
I saw my ID, and after the blood test, found out my vl was 750,000 and cd4 was 290. And because of the numbers, he figures I've been positive for 8 to 10 years. He said it wasn't the first time he had seen this happen. Like I said, I thank God everyday that my wife and kids were not infected.
I originally thought I might have been infected through some unsafe sex I had engaged in, and yes the wife knew about it, she was there,,,,for the inquiring minds, we happen to have the same taste in women,,,, needless to say, those activities have come to an abrupt halt. But now it seems that I've been carrying this bug around for quite awhile.
Anyways, I've always been very active, I used to snow board in the winters prior to the kids, I still SCUBA whenever I can get away from work for a day. My previous work out regimen included running a couple miles a few days a week, lifting and swimming 1.5 miles at least 3 days a week.
Admittedly, I need to get back into my work outs,especially now, work has been a bit rough lately.
Well, my ID started me on Truvada and Kaletra. Have not had any major issues, my stool has been a bit soft but haven't had any full blown diarrhea, at least not yet.
I can't say that I'm exactly over-joyed at being a new member, no offense, but I'm sure you understand. But, I take solace in that having read alot of your posts, I do believe that I can have pretty much as normal a life as I did before knowing my status. Hell, who knows, with the way my numbers were, that physical may have saved my life.
I look forward to trading thoughts with all of you.
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Oooops, sorry, forgot to mention, the first thing I did when I found out, told the wife. She got tested as well as the kids, thankfully, everybody's negative.
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hello textfire,
sounds like you are off to a good start. i'd heed the advice of others who've posted before me. namely, taking your time to disclose, looking into counseling, and not beating yourself up over getting infected or potentially infecting your partner.
dude, that statement your dad made "My parents are tough....my dad upon my coming out to him told me that it was unfortunate he paid for my college because I'd die of AIDS before I became a doctor. Well, he was wrong of course, but I'm currently thinking I don't need to bring up these wounds."-- that really sucks. those are some fucked words and views. talk about adding insult to injury.
take care man.
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Hi guys,
Tiny bit of an update....
CD4 count is 326 which seems sorta low to me since I tested negative 1.5 years ago.
VL is still pending. Probably too high to count :)
Hopefully off to ID doc this next week...
On the disclosure front, haven't told anyone. Surprisingly, my friends are making it difficult to have alone time with them.
We'll see...
Thanks,
texfire
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CD4 count is 326 which seems sorta low to me since I tested negative 1.5 years ago.
Not really. It's just one number. Doesn't mean a lot. Did they tell you what your CD4 % was?
MtD
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OK,
Got most labs back finally...
CD4 326
% 23
VL 96200
Off to the ID doc monday....likely interested in starting meds...
Thanks,
texfire
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Tex, I guess I must have missed something somewhere. When did you test positive? If this is only your first set of labs, it could be your body is trying to adjust to the new occupier.
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Hey Tex,
Welcome to the forums, glad you found us, but sorry for the reason you've joined our little party here.
As others have already given you great advice, I would only add that one set of labs doesn't a pattern make.
I would not make any hasty decisions until you have a couple of labs under your belt and have had time for a sit down with your ID doc.
You are definitely right, things have changed a great deal since 1997.
Oh, and regarding the disclosure issue, only disclose to those whom you are sure you wish to disclose to and don't rush it.
I would give myself some time to adjust to being positive before facing disclosure.
HUGS,
Mark
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Hi Everyone...add me to the list too. I tested positive on November 28, 2007 and it's been a tough number of months since then. I have two young kids so I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs over the past while. Have had a chance to read a lot of the postings in the forums and want to say how impressive you all are in how you're dealing with this...It gives me a good feeling knowing that there are others coping with this too, not that I would wish this on anyone.
I start HAART in mid February with Kaletra and Kivexa, and things seem to be going ok for now...going back to my doctor early next month to see what's up.
My partner is negative, thankfully, and has stuck by me, nothwithstanding the hell I've put us through. Anyways...just wanted to say hello.
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Hi Texfire - Welcome to the "family"
You will be able to discuss any problems and have the many questions that you may have answered on here
I have made and met a few new friends on here and I hope you can do the same - It is a very supportive family
Regards
Scuddles
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Hi,
Thanks for the responses.
Yea, it was my first set of labs.
Today was my first day with my HIV doc. It was a good session. He wants to wait and repeat my bloodwork in 3 months before I start any medications. I'm a little worried about waiting so long, but I've probably been positive for more than that so I guess in the long term it won't matter much.
Otherwise, I've still not told anybody my status except for one ex-fling who took it decently enough.
I think I have mild depression though.. I have no interest in sex and tend to snap at people and want to be alone a lot of the time.
Not suicidal so don't worry too much, but I do have interesting thoughts about who should get my life insurance and belongings :)....
I've been trying to meet other + folks online (well in order to meet in person) to talk about experiences since I've yet to tell my friends.. .I just feel like I need to 'get it out of me'.. not doing so well with that. May have to look into a group or something.
Sadly, when alone, I'm basically at peace thinking that this was my destiny..
texfire
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Texfire, I would urge you to get in touch with a good therapist. Ask your ASO or your doctor for a referral to someone. A good therapist can be a god-send. I don't throw suggestions out there that I don't do myself, either. Don't let depression go untreated for too long. It can bite you in the ass, believe me. Good luck.
Luv,
Betty
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I've been trying to meet other + folks online (well in order to meet in person) to talk about experiences since I've yet to tell my friends.. .I just feel like I need to 'get it out of me'.. not doing so well with that. May have to look into a group or something.
Sadly, when alone, I'm basically at peace thinking that this was my destiny..
texfire
I'll second what Betty just said, and add that you may very well wish to have actual face-to-face group support to supplement the on-line help you find here. Do you live in an area where it's easy to locate such things?
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I just joined the forums but have been poz for several years now.
I will give you what has happened with me -- you need to decide what works for you. Regarding telling people -- especially close to you. I would say you need to balance in divulging to get the needed support with holding off for a little while. In the first 6 to 8 mos I felt a need to tell a few close to me. While I am glad I did a couple, I am now glad that I didn't tell more.
Bottom line is you are very vulnerable and confused more than ever. By waiting you at least have more self understanding of living with this and a better perspective on if it makes sense.
That is with friends, etc. -- lovers, dates, etc. -- that is another story. For many, sexual desires are low in the first few months (whether from getting over being sick during conversion or just the shock, etc.). But make sure you are ready for the rejection -- because it is inevitable. I have met some amazing people - some that surprised me in their abilities to like me for who I am. Several where not so "charitable."
Good luck - seems like some really nice people here!
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texfire,
Betty has it going on here (along with others) so take her advice :-)
I didn't see your "it's my destiny" line until my last reply. I mean this with love -- "don't be a *&#@ing idiot!"
You and everyone else here are human - and deserve only good things in life. No one deserves this -- but sh*t happens. We are all worthy of love and respect. You aren't alone -- I am the first to say I have beaten myself up on that whether I could've done a better job in prevention -- none of it matters now. whether groups or individual therapist, you need to talk to people because you are worthy of only the best -- and your destiny is still in your hands to make it as wonderful as you desire (I really do believe that)...
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I'll second what Betty just said, and add that you may very well wish to have actual face-to-face group support to supplement the on-line help you find here. Do you live in an area where it's easy to locate such things?
Hmmmm...I'm in Houston. I do imagine they have that here :) I will look into it.
Sprockett9, perhaps I sounded a little more dramatic than I intended. But I do sorta feel 'at peace', albeit a nervous peace. Sorta fatalist I guess. It's not like I was trying to be safe all the time, it's not like I didn't know better. It's not like I was trying to catch it either however. I suppose with some low self esteem issues, I did some things that were not smart from the HIV perspective. I'm ok with that (not that I have a choice). Now there's less anxiety in some ways. My choice has been taken out of it. Now I'm at the mercy of the virus and the medicines (I'll grant you I could choose a healthy vs unhealthy lifestyle yes..) and I will either do well or won't. My HIV doc has some interesting thoughts for my treatment which i'll post about in my thread over in that section.
Thanks,
texfire
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I look forward to hearing what your doc's have to say on treatments -- so let us know.
No worries on the rest -- just remember that many of us go through the same thing. You can't beat yourself up that you could've done more to not contract it, etc. Nor blame yourself for the situation(s) that led to it. As my momma always said "can't cry over spilt milk -- so just clean the sh*t up!" :)
Good luck -- we are here for you!
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Sprockett9
My doc wants to wait essentially 3 months for me to repeat my tests before deciding on a therapy....so I have 3 months to stew on it.
Otherwise, thanks for your posts and I'll keep ya updated....
texfire