Just Needing Reassurance

[SouthernMan]

First, thanks to all for the work you do here. This is the first site in which the messaging about HIV risks has been consistent. I have been dealing with horrible anxiety for the past 8 weeks -- to the point where I was considering going to therapy -- until I found this forum.

I guess what I'm looking for is a little reassurance. Pretty sure I know what you'll say (and that's a good thing), but I think it's therapeutic for me to write this as I haven't been able to talk to anyone about what happened or my anxiety afterward.

A little over two months ago, I decided to explore my bisexual fantasies. I'm a middle-aged guy, and I thought it might be fun to finally explore my bisexual tendencies. I found a guy a little older than me online. After chatting a couple of times, I decided to meet him at his house. I had originally intended just to engage in some mutual masturbating, but things got hot pretty quickly. Before I knew it, he was performing oral on me (I did not reciprocate) and asked if I'd like to be topped as he knew it was a fantasy of me to bottom. He put on a condom and used a little lube, then tried to enter me. He's pretty endowed, so it hurt when he first slid in, so much that I told him to immediately pull out. He tried several more times to enter me, but with very little success as he started to go soft. He took the condom off in front of me, stroked himself to get hard, and put another condom on. He didn't take it off because it was broken -- he changed it right in front of me, and I think I would have noticed if it was broken. We tried again -- I got on top and rode him for about a minute, but he kept slipping out of me and went soft again. I could feel the condom securely on his penis when I tried to guide him back in, so I know it was on and intact. So, he changed the condom again right in front of me. Again, I didn't see anything wrong with the condom at all. He just needed to get himself hard again. We tried one more time to no avail -- I don't think he even came close to penetrating me. He asked if I wanted to try it bareback -- I said "no" very emphatically, and he was completely cool and understanding about it. He sucked me a little more and then we jacked each other off. After he came, I rubbed his cum on his body. Later, I noticed a small cut on one of the knuckles on the hand I used to masturbate him, but it looked scabbed over, and I don't think his semen would have touched the back of my hand.

I am very anxiety prone -- after the incident, all these "what ifs" kept running through my mind. What if the condom was actually broken (even though I saw it with my own eyes and would have easily seen a broken condom as he was lying right next to me -- a foot away -- as he took it off and put the new one on)? What if he had flipped the condom over after touching it to the tip of his penis and collecting some precum? I did message him a week or so later and he confirmed what I had seen with my own eyes that none of the condoms had broken. I have not had any symptoms consistent with acute HIV infection and took an Oraquick test at home on day 37, which was negative. The thing that freaked me out was learning that people with herpes (I have 1 and 2) have a greater chance of acquiring HIV. At the time of the incident, I did not have an oral or genital breakout (I actually think I'm one of the lucky ones who has genital herpes but has never experienced a true breakout -- knock on wood). However, about 4-5 days after the incident, I got a tingling on my lip, which I recognized as an oncoming cold sore, but I learned from your site and others that experiencing any kind of symptom in less than a week is rare, and I do get cold sores from time to time naturally and I was experiencing severe stress and anxiety from the incident just a couple days after, so I would think it would be more reasonable to chalk that cold sore up to stress or just strange timing.

So basically, what I need is some reassurance. I have tested for other STIs -- gonorrhea and chlamydia came back negative last week, and I'll test for syphilis at 3 months just to be on the safe side. So that just leaves protected anal and unprotected receptive oral. Do I have anything to worry about HIV-wise? I know what you will most likely say, but it will help me tremendously just to hear you say it. Thanks for reading this -- like I said it's been very helpful just getting this off my chest -- and thanks for all of the help you've given others!

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Read your post three times.

Receiving a blowjob isn't an HIV risk to you. It lacks the conditions required for acquiring HIV, thus it makes sense that after nearly 40 years of this pandemic in terms of BJ's, there hasn't been a single documented case of HIV transmission to an insertive partner (the person being "sucked"), and you will not be the worlds first.

Masturbating isn't an HIV risk, and the cut on your knuckle isn't a route for acquiring HIV.

As for intercourse, HIV can't transmit through an intact latex or polyurethane condom. Unless a condom obviously fails during intercourse, there is no reason to be stressing or testing for HIV outside of the standard yearly routine.

What if he had flipped the condom over after touching it to the tip of his penis and collecting some precum?

It would not be an HIV concern. Some other STIs, sure but not HIV.

The thing that freaked me out was learning that people with herpes (I have 1 and 2) have a greater chance of acquiring HIV. At the time of the incident, I did not have an oral or genital breakout (I actually think I'm one of the lucky ones who has genital herpes but has never experienced a true breakout -- knock on wood). However, about 4-5 days after the incident, I got a tingling on my lip, which I recognized as an oncoming cold sore, but I learned from your site and others that experiencing any kind of symptom in less than a week is rare, and I do get cold sores from time to time naturally and I was experiencing severe stress and anxiety from the incident just a couple days after, so I would think it would be more reasonable to chalk that cold sore up to stress or just strange timing.

Your cold sore has nothing to do with HIV from the concerned encounter. You have herpes (HSV I) and, therefore, will have an outbreak from time to time.

The theory of an STI "increasing," the odds of HIV transmission, works like this if you have a preexisting STI causing, let's say as an example, inflammation or open sores, and you engage in an activity that is already an HIV risk, such as condomless intercourse it might (slightly) increase the likelihood of HIV being transmitted.

However, it does not create an HIV risk where there was none to start with or magic HIV transmissions.

Regarding herpes (HSV II), you could consider talking to your healthcare provider about medication as although you have not had an outbreak, it would reduce the risk of passing it on to your partners, as herpes can be passed on during viral shedding (skin contact) even when you don't have a visible outbreak.

Here's what you need to know to avoid HIV infection:
Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse correctly and consistently, with no exceptions. Consider talking to your healthcare provider about PrEP as an additional layer of protection against HIV

Keep in mind that some sexual practices described as safe in terms of acquiring HIV still pose a risk for other easier acquired STIs. So please do get tested at least yearly for STIs, including but not limited to HIV, and more frequently if condomless intercourse occurs.

Also, note that it is possible to have an STI and show no signs or symptoms, and the only way of knowing is by testing.

Kind regards

Jim

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[Jim Allen]

In short, move on with your life, continue to use condoms, and consider talking to a healthcare provider about PrEP as an additional layer of HIV prevention and test out of standard routine yearly for HIV & STIs.

[SouthernMan]

Again, thank you! Ready to move on. It’s amazing what anxiety can do.

[Jim Allen]

You're welcome