POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: cjc on August 31, 2007, 09:16:21 am
-
Hello ladies. My good friend Queen suggested that I start this to ease my pressure. I think it's a great idea. So here goes. I am so sad. This time of year seems to be hard for a lot of people. Part of the reason I am sad is because my 4YO just started pre-k and I fear for him out there in the great big world with all the mean people. I know everyone is not mean but I know firsthand that there are too many mean ones. He is so sweet and innocent. I have made him my main reason for being and now am starting the process that will make him a independent adult, in 16 years. Still it's so hard to let go. What I am really sad about is my 18 yo is in jail again. As a adult this time.3 felony and 3 misdemeanors. I had him when I was 17 and kinda turned him over to my parents when he was about 1 and a half. They gave him everything I could not and a loving stable home. No matter what we do for this child, It's not enough. I am worried and sad about him. At least if he's in jail, he's safer than running the streets Also, tommorrow marks the 11 year anniversary of my Cousins death. We grew up together, cause my mom took care of them.So he was really like my brother. I was in drug rehab when he died and was not allowed to attend his funera.It was decided( not by me) not to be in my best interest. He was only 23. Then I had another one that spent 8 years locked up, got out and a year later was dead cause of a teasing, lying bitch that lured him to her home with repeated messages and shit while she was with another man. They shoot at each other. He missed, the other guy did not. It is such a waste. And what I really worry about is my oldest son will end up just like them. I can't save him, he chooses as we all do but it hurts. I'll deal with it , just need to make some room.. Also,and this is on a much lees important but very irritating level, The last 3 shifts I have gone in, it's immediate bitching about something I did. You are too friendly, you forgot to 18% that party of 8,you supervisors are getting slack Just stuff like that but it grates when I am the one that comes immediately when anyone calls or needs me. I love this place but this is our busy time coming soon and if I'm gonna get fussed at every day, then just fire me!!!!!!!!!!!!Then I could get unemployment,since I can't get approved for disability Just bitching and whining but maybe it will empty some of this out of my head. Later, Cristy
-
Christy~~
I hope you feel a little better just by talking about it here with your sisters... ;D I truly understand your frustration and worry. Let's start with the son in jail and please excuse me if I get a bit blunt. I can relate to letting someone else raise your son and doing it for the right reasons. In your case, your parents were the right choice. I made the wrong choice by letting my hateful sister raise mine. So, trust I can really relate because I have a 16 soon to be 17 yr old son, my youngest who is kinda out there streetwise. And my fear everyday is that he may get hurt or end up in jail.
Back to your son...It sounds to me like he had a very good life with your parents maybe just a little bit too good and got spoiled. Sometimes spoiling a kid can come back to bite you in the ass. And now it seems like he has the attitude that the world owes him something. You can talk til you are blue in the face, either he listens or he talks shit and it goes out the other ear. Since he is now considered an adult, he is really smelling his nuts as we like to say here and feels no one can tell him what to do anymore. Since he is in jail, it is obvious he made some wrong decisions. Now he has to pay for his actions. Hopefully being where he is will be a learning experience or else this will not be the last time you see him in jail. How much time does he have to serve, if you don't mind me asking? Jail is a lonely place. I was there once for 11 days, I knew then it wasn't for me. ;D
If you choose to be there for him which it sounds like you are just from your concern, then be there, go visit if you want, put money on his books if you can BUT don't let him do a poor me trip on you, that can happen too.
As for your baby who just started school......Your concern is a just one and like you said the world is a cold place. But it is also heightened because of what your older son is going through and you don't want to see it happen with this one either. You have to let him go to an extent, he has to learn and make his own experiences. And you will do what mothers do and guide him just try not to shelter him too much either. When he falls and you know he will, when I say fall, I mean like make mistakes or have bad experiences, you will be there to pick him up and guide him some more. He is still young so the experiences will be more centered around him going to school...Like other kids being mean or little squabbles things that can be easily managed, you know. I hope I am saying this right.
It sounds like you work in a hotel or restuarant and a busy period can be a stressful for everyone. Just try to keep that in mind. You got issues you're dealing with and so do they. I use to work banquets at a Hilton hotel back in the day in Harriburg so I can sympathize. I would add more but I really need to run...Love ya...
-
Hey Cristy:
I am so sorry you're having a hard time with all these issues. About your youngest son, I know it's hard. You want to rush in and save your kid from all the circumstances that could cause them trouble. This will be the time when his character is developed. Just know that a lot of what he's going to go through is what all kids go through who start school. The fights with other little kids etc. Just remember that the little kids are just that-little kids and, as they say, this too shall pass.
About your son in jail.... that's hard. When my daughter was still a juvenile, she was in the juvenile detention center a few times. What I find is, the more I accept exactly where a person is, the better I can detach from the situation and let them make choices and feel the consequences of their choices. You made the ultimate parental sacrifice by letting your parents raise him when you couldn't. My grandchildren are adopted by someone other than their parents. They weren't adopted at birth either. My daughter left here and went to Washington and let this one lady, who was a friend of the family, take them. She couldn't provide a good home for them either. She was 16 when she had my granddaughter and then had my grandson two years later. Sometimes it just doesn't matter how a kid is raised, they're going to do exactly what they want to do. There's really nothing you can do at this point to change things, except to listen if your son really wants to have a good heart-to-heart about where he would like his life to go.
I'm so sorry about your cousins' death. Having someone close die is extremely hard, believe me I know. As you know, my mum just passed away August 10th of this year. When I was in drug rehab in 1989, my first husband died. I never thought I would recover from that, but I did. I don't know that "there is a reason" for everything. I don't believe that because of all the injustices that go on every day. I don't see the reason behind someone's untimely death. They must have had a very bad personal hell going on that they needed to be taken out of or something.
Know that I'm thinking of you and sending you HUG {{{HUGS}}}. Glad you have us here.
Peace-
Betty
-
Thanks for your replies. There were a couple of things you said, both of you, that are really true
Back to your son...It sounds to me like he had a very good life with your parents maybe just a little bit too good and got spoiled. Sometimes spoiling a kid can come back to bite you in the ass. And now it seems like he has the attitude that the world owes him something. You can talk til you are blue in the face, either he listens or he talks shit and it goes out the other ear. Since he is now considered an adult, he is really smelling his nuts as we like to say here and feels no one can tell him what to do anymore. Since he is in jail, it is obvious he made some wrong decisions. Now he has to pay for his actions. Hopefully being where he is will be a learning experience or else this will not be the last time you see him in jail. How much time does he have to serve, if you don't mind me asking? Jail is a lonely place. I was there once for 11 days, I knew then it wasn't for me. ;D
If you choose to be there for him which it sounds like you are just from your concern, then be there, go visit if you want, put money on his books if you can BUT don't let him do a poor me trip on you, that can happen too.
..
Very true. He is spoilt rotten but he still is responsible for his own choices. We don't know how much time he will get yet. He was just picked up yesterday. Probably quite a bit.. Hey Cristy:
I am so sorry you're having a hard time with all these issues. About your youngest son, I know it's hard. You want to rush in and save your kid from all the circumstances that could cause them trouble. This will be the time when his character is developed. Just know that a lot of what he's going to go through is what all kids go through who start school. The fights with other little kids etc. Just remember that the little kids are just that-little kids and, as they say, this too shall pass.
Know that I'm thinking of you and sending you HUG {{{HUGS}}}. Glad you have us here.
Peace-
Betty
I know but I so want to wrap him up tight and protect him. He seems to be doing well. He came home today with a wild story about crocodiles on the school bus. He has a good imagination. Ladies, Thank you so much for listening to me. It really helps. This thread is for everyone if they want to just vent or whatever. Love ya'll. Cristy
-
Since he just got picked up yesterday, what are your plans? Are you going to go to his hearing or are you going to let him sit and wait for him to contact you? Watch those jailhouse calls, they can add up and be pricey. But after venting, I hope you are feeling better. Keep us posted.
-
Since he just got picked up yesterday, what are your plans? Are you going to go to his hearing or are you going to let him sit and wait for him to contact you? Watch those jailhouse calls, they can add up and be pricey. But after venting, I hope you are feeling better. Keep us posted.
I feel much better today, yesterday I was all weepy, which is not like me. He will stay, His bond is$ 25, 000 secured and I don't have it but even if I did, he would stay. Unfortunately, it's lesson time Queen, you hit it dead on yesterday that I want to do better with the 4yo. I am going to try my best. The oldest one, I will not give up on, I just have to step back so I can stay sane. Oh, I work in a fine dining restaurant. Love it but just get tired of being fussed at sometimes. They want things to be perfect (understandable)and I struggle to remember everything and would even if I didn't smoke. . Thanks ladies. Cristy
-
Hi Cristy~
I know today is a rough one for you, with it being a sad anniversary. Always know that you have support here in the threads. I had two breakdowns in the past ten days and did separate posts....the anniversary of my husband's death, and freaking out over not being employed. It has been pretty overwhelming for some of us here lately, to say the least....
You have so much going on emotionally right now, all of that and you still need to be strong for your 4yo. Hang in there and be thankful for what you have, be thankful that you haven't lost your mind, cause you really haven't. At times things can seem dark, but you DO have the mental strength to push yourself and make good choices.
Some days I am just pissed and I feel such despair. I'll cry and then laugh, wondering how I got to where I am. We can't change the past, and I am a firm believer that our paths are already chosen for us. Sometimes all we can do is hold on tight and see where this ride takes us.
I'm sending you strength today. Enjoy your 4YO's company, pray for your son in jail and for those you have lost. Be selfish and pray for yourself, too.
You know you have found some good sisters here, and that I speak for all of us when I say we all care about you. Hang in there. :-*
~Cindy
-
ML, Thank you. I do value the people here, all of you. Cristy
-
Hey, almost got teary eyed reading-I can really relate. I was getting ssi when My daughter was little and her school was like 15 miles away. It was the time before the good drugs came out and I wanted to instill my values in her and keep her with me as long as I could. Society had plenty time later to get a hold to her. I homeschooled her till 3rd grade. It was common sense teaching-the 3 r's. She was reading beyond her age at 5yo. I took her everywhere so I never really had a discipline problem-she knew what was expected and she acted right. Never said no. never ran away from me, I never spanked her in anger and we always discused why she was being disciplined before I spanked her. There were so many homeschool activities and play groups so she hung out with other kids being brought up the same way. People couldn't believe how well she behaved I was always so proud of her. I wish I never put her in regular school. Her first sleep over she came home and was so surprised the way the other girl lied to her mom when asked if she was in the bed and the way she talked back. Establishing you are the mom increases the trust your child will have in you. When allowing him to choose, give a few choices. If you just say what do yuou want, you are allowing too much freedom and responsibility to such a young child who is definitely not mature enough or knowledgeable to know what is best foe him. Anyway, my screw up was putting her in school. She loves it. She is a social butterfly-very popular and has great common sense. She is a virgin, she hates the way pot smells and the way her friends don't want to do anything when they are high. She says they are her friends and that is their thing, she just don't like it. She got drunk a few times and the last time cured her. She feels better when she stays straight and she can look out for her friends. She says She'll never have a problem being a designated driver. I couldn't be prouder. But academically she's been left back. Never wants to talk about school work, Lets me know when she is failing a class to prepare me but doesn't accept extra help. She still thinks she'll catch up-but when? I don't know. She wants to go to college but won't discuss a plan with me. She can't seem to see she needs the grades especially if she wants a scholarship. Anyway I got far off the topic of you and your kids. My son was raised by my folks against my will. They raised me (I was an adopted kid) and I am totally screwed up. The best thing they ever did for me was throw me out when I was 17. That's when I finally grew up. They gave me plenty-private school, fancy summer camps, every toy on my x-mas list- everything a kid could want except the tools I needed to function as an adult. I had no common sense couldn't really do squat but I was popular-had my own place at 18 held a job and then thru total stupidity wound up in jail 3 months after turning 18. My son's life went almost exactly the same. He blames me for not fighting for him in court when he was little-but my daddy said I didn't have enough money to win this and warned me not to show up ion court. His intimidation won out and they got custody. I went on a 5 year pity party which got me my daughter and HIV...anyway I cry over my son in my heart. He refuses to talk to me and he won't let me anywhere near my grandson. He went to the military briefly, but they gave him an honorable discharge because of something wrong with one of his legs. Some infection. I get bits and pieces from my mom. He is again living with her. Working for some catering business. Has no license so my mom is his chauffeur at 76 years old she tells me she has to take care of my 26 yo son. And I guess she will until she dies. And then what? Well I don't know if this little insight to my screw ups can help you any but maybe you found a few things not to do with looking at the wrong things I did. Let me know if I helped at all. I feel like maybe my life won't have been in vain if I can help someone by it. I figure I got left here for some purpose. Everytime I think I get things figured out I find out I am wrong again.....so such is the mystery of life, later, Lisa
-
Hey, almost got teary eyed reading-I can really relate. I was getting ssi when My daughter was little and her school was like 15 miles away. It was the time before the good drugs came out and I wanted to instill my values in her and keep her with me as long as I could. Society had plenty time later to get a hold to her. I homeschooled her till 3rd grade. It was common sense teaching-the 3 r's. She was reading beyond her age at 5yo. I took her everywhere so I never really had a discipline problem-she knew what was expected and she acted right. Never said no. never ran away from me, I never spanked her in anger and we always discused why she was being disciplined before I spanked her. There were so many homeschool activities and play groups so she hung out with other kids being brought up the same way. People couldn't believe how well she behaved I was always so proud of her. I wish I never put her in regular school. Her first sleep over she came home and was so surprised the way the other girl lied to her mom when asked if she was in the bed and the way she talked back. Establishing you are the mom increases the trust your child will have in you. When allowing him to choose, give a few choices. If you just say what do yuou want, you are allowing too much freedom and responsibility to such a young child who is definitely not mature enough or knowledgeable to know what is best foe him. Anyway, my screw up was putting her in school. She loves it. She is a social butterfly-very popular and has great common sense. She is a virgin, she hates the way pot smells and the way her friends don't want to do anything when they are high. She says they are her friends and that is their thing, she just don't like it. She got drunk a few times and the last time cured her. She feels better when she stays straight and she can look out for her friends. She says She'll never have a problem being a designated driver. I couldn't be prouder. But academically she's been left back. Never wants to talk about school work, Lets me know when she is failing a class to prepare me but doesn't accept extra help. She still thinks she'll catch up-but when? I don't know. She wants to go to college but won't discuss a plan with me. She can't seem to see she needs the grades especially if she wants a scholarship. Anyway I got far off the topic of you and your kids. My son was raised by my folks against my will. They raised me (I was an adopted kid) and I am totally screwed up. The best thing they ever did for me was throw me out when I was 17. That's when I finally grew up. They gave me plenty-private school, fancy summer camps, every toy on my x-mas list- everything a kid could want except the tools I needed to function as an adult. I had no common sense couldn't really do squat but I was popular-had my own place at 18 held a job and then thru total stupidity wound up in jail 3 months after turning 18. My son's life went almost exactly the same. He blames me for not fighting for him in court when he was little-but my daddy said I didn't have enough money to win this and warned me not to show up ion court. His intimidation won out and they got custody. I went on a 5 year pity party which got me my daughter and HIV...anyway I cry over my son in my heart. He refuses to talk to me and he won't let me anywhere near my grandson. He went to the military briefly, but they gave him an honorable discharge because of something wrong with one of his legs. Some infection. I get bits and pieces from my mom. He is again living with her. Working for some catering business. Has no license so my mom is his chauffeur at 76 years old she tells me she has to take care of my 26 yo son. And I guess she will until she dies. And then what? Well I don't know if this little insight to my screw ups can help you any but maybe you found a few things not to do with looking at the wrong things I did. Let me know if I helped at all. I feel like maybe my life won't have been in vain if I can help someone by it. I figure I got left here for some purpose. Everytime I think I get things figured out I find out I am wrong again.....so such is the mystery of life, later, Lisa
Lisa, Thank you for sharing that with me/us. There are some similarities and some differences but I can always learn something from others experiences. It does help to have ya'll. My 18 YO is gonna grow up in a hurry. Even though it's hard I hope that having to take responsibility for his actions as an adult will wake him up. If not, my mom might be in your mother's shoes. Not a nice place. My 4yo is very well behaved and I am hoping to make a big difference in his life. It funny, The morals and values that we hold dear sometimes don't stick. My older one couldn't have had better role models than my parents but none of it stuck.Maybe with all three of us(we live with them) it will stick this time. Cristy(edited cause I can't spell)
-
Lisa:
Thanks for sharing with us. Even though it's just on a computer, it's a huge step. {{{{BIG HUGS}}}}
Love
Betty
-
I am feeling so alone and so isolated right now thanks for acknowledging me and thanks for the hugs. I am really beginning to lean on y'all and all the other forums. Thanks and God Bless.
-
Hey Cristy:
I am wondering how things are going for you and what happened at your son's hearing? It's tough, I know, having a child in jail. My daughter was in the juvenile facility here a few times. I guess all you can do is let them make their mistakes. I still don't tell my daughter how to live her life. I never listened to anyone about my life; I had to learn on my own. It seems to me that the more I can accept where someone's at, the easier I can detach from their situation and let them do what they're going to do. I don't know if that comes with age or not...
-
I am feeling so alone and so isolated right now thanks for acknowledging me and thanks for the hugs. I am really beginning to lean on y'all and all the other forums. Thanks and God Bless.
Hello Lisa. Glad to hear that you feel welcome. When I first came here in 2005, I also felt alone and isolated but now I feel like I have extended my family many times over. And in a good way, not the bullshit you sometimes get from family. I hope you continue to come around. Betty, not quite sure what's going on. We haven't heard anything from him and the detectives are still in the process of rounding up all involved and filing charges. Right now he has 3 felony and 2 misdemeanors that he has admitted to. Bond's $25, 000 secured and we don't have it but even if we did, he's guilty by his own admission so we would leave him. This might sound fucked up but I'm glad he's in jail, at least he's safe and not going to get killed. I have been worried about his health and safety. I have been to county, the longest time was 45 days and know it's miserable but he must pay his price. Sorry that kinda turned into a rant, just getting some of it out. Thanks for asking, Cristy
-
Cristy,
I think it's a good idea to let him sit. He needs to learn and kids don't learn when someone constantly bails them out of trouble. This must be hard for you. Do you ever go visit him? I know when my daughter was younger and in the juvenile facility here, I would go visit her, but would never come to her rescue as far as getting her out of trouble she got herself into. I have never spent time in jail, but I've gotten arrested a few times. That scared the shit out of me. When I was in my active addiction I also was a compulsive shoplifter. I was arrested for that three times and was very fortunate, because in Indiana, the third time can be a felony if the judge so decides to waive it to that. I told the judge the last time I was in front of him (and it was the same judge every time), that if he let me have probation, I would never be in front of him again, and I never have been. When I took care of my addiction, the shoplifting disappeared.
-
Cristy,
I think it's a good idea to let him sit. He needs to learn and kids don't learn when someone constantly bails them out of trouble. This must be hard for you. Do you ever go visit him? I know when my daughter was younger and in the juvenile facility here, I would go visit her, but would never come to her rescue as far as getting her out of trouble she got herself into. I have never spent time in jail, but I've gotten arrested a few times. That scared the shit out of me. When I was in my active addiction I also was a compulsive shoplifter. I was arrested for that three times and was very fortunate, because in Indiana, the third time can be a felony if the judge so decides to waive it to that. I told the judge the last time I was in front of him (and it was the same judge every time), that if he let me have probation, I would never be in front of him again, and I never have been. When I took care of my addiction, the shoplifting disappeared.
Thanks so much for your reply. Same with me, when I quit my major addiction, I stopped getting in trouble. It's been since February of 2005 on that. As far as visiting him, I just am torn with that, He will start the , please get me out, I'll be good stuff and it's a lie and I just can't take it right now. I think I will write him and just let him know we still love him but he has to tend to this on his own. I really think it's harder on my parents cause they raised him like their own while I was running,, I would be around some but it hurts them that he spits in their face. And it hurts me , too. Thanks, i will up date this as I can. On a bright note, my little Robert is doing so well and brings me such joy and unconditional love. ;D Thanks again. Cristy
-
Yes, Cristy, if seeing him is too hard, just write to him. When my daughter was in the juvenile facility here, I went to see her a few times. But she knew I wouldn't do anything to hasten her departure from there, so she didn't bug me to get her out. If you can't do it, don't. I know when I was using, I wouldn't listen to anyone. I had to learn on my own. My parents bailed me out a few times, but when they stopped, that's when I grew up. Did they ban smoking in the jails there? They did here. I think that is assinine. I really don't think they're overly concerned with the inmate's health. They also banned smoking in the prisons here. I think that's ridiculous also. People in there are already irritated, and having to quit smoking probably makes them doubly so. Just wondering.
-
Yes, Cristy, if seeing him is too hard, just write to him. When my daughter was in the juvenile facility here, I went to see her a few times. But she knew I wouldn't do anything to hasten her departure from there, so she didn't bug me to get her out. If you can't do it, don't. I know when I was using, I wouldn't listen to anyone. I had to learn on my own. My parents bailed me out a few times, but when they stopped, that's when I grew up. Did they ban smoking in the jails there? They did here. I think that is assinine. I really don't think they're overly concerned with the inmate's health. They also banned smoking in the prisons here. I think that's ridiculous also. People in there are already irritated, and having to quit smoking probably makes them doubly so. Just wondering.
Thanks Betty, he knows all the little pity buttons and all that to push. See the problem with him is judging by his actions, he was on crack but swears he's not. We will just leave him there. I will write him though. Yes, here in NC smoking is banned in County jail. I think most prisons here still allow smoking but am not sure. I am actually trying to quit smoking as I have a really bad respiratory infection and it hurts. I would be better off health and money wise. i have only smoked 6 cigs today as opposed to the usual 16 to 20 by now. Need to quit, it's so hard. Thanks again. I will update or just babble some more later. Cristy
-
Christy~~
I can understand how you feel when you said you are glad he is there. It is a relief to you because at least you know where he is and what he is doing. I think it is best that you don't go see him either since you know what you are in for if you do. Personally, I have told my son if he ever gets locked up that I would not come see him. I told him that it would hurt me too much to see him behind glass or even those walls. I told him I would write occassionally but would put money on his books every month. He is not locked up and as much as I hate to say it, I could see it happening. When it comes to the cops, my son thinks he is invincible because he has talked his way out of a few situations. But he has a few fines. He just got hired at a new job which he seems to like so far, the main reason being because he works around girls... ;D Now if I could only get him to take his responsibilites seriously. Ugh, I hate to think that I was this way when I was 16, the being invincible part. :D
-
Thank queen. I think he knows this is it as he has not called us. And you are right, I would rather he be there and safe even though it is the worst place in the world. I have decided to write him but will not be putting money in his account since he has recently stolen from us before all this new mess but since he is family , we let it go. It has to end. willupdate again soon. Cristy