I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless

[mecch]

Robby here is some info on what income sources might be available if you were disabled. Perhaps you can discuss these with a social worker?

http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/page10-10.html

http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/ssi-disability-benefit-claim.html

In addition to switching your HIV combo, and trying to get more comprehensive control over the bipolarity, it would be such a relief if you could permanently get away from the horrid relationship with your mom.

[RobbyR]

Thanks for the helpful links meech they were helpful. I'm having a crazy week no pun intended, anxiety through the roof, panic, and total euphoria I've spent tons of money and other than the anxiety I'm feeling amazing today but the last few days I was having suicidal thoughts and was thinking about jumping off a building. Luckily I took the initiative and caled my psychiatrist who I really like and he was able to see me today. He wrote me a prescrption for Lithium, and so I'll be starting on it for the first time this weekend. I'm actually not dreading it either. I've never been on any type of mood stabilizer before, and anti depressants and anti psychotics haven't worked well for me. And I know Lithium has been around forever and many tolerate it well. So I'm actually looking forward to taking it and hoping to feel sane for once. He's seeing me back Monday to check on me. I really like my psychiatrist he really cares about me I feel and that in itself helps a lot. And I'm being honest with him now too which is a big step for me. I start Lithium Friday so I can have the weekend to deal with any side effects. I think I'll be fine. I just want to feel in control again.
My doc said he wants to get me stable not sure if I'll have to be on it the rest of my life but if I do and it works then so be it I know I have to be responsible for my own health and I'm glad I was honest with him about how bad I was feeling and now I'm relieved and looking forward to feeling better.

[mecch]

OK I hope you see some good results for that.
And bravo for the honesty with medical team.  Its the minimum.
When do you go about the HIV med change?

[RobbyR]

Update. So today I started Lithium, 300mg three times a day. First time I've ever been on a mood stabilizer. Nothing else has helped me. Anti depressants make me feel crazy and physically I. So far it seems my good instincts about Lithium were correct, I feel great so far! No major side effects yet.  And I already don't feel the urge to kill myelf anymore! It's like I am able to think learly for once, and the pain is much better, still there, but I don't feel the need to cut myself or kill myself anymore. I'm starting on Stribild too, saw my I.d. Doc yesterday and my cd4 is best ever, over 700!

I see my psychiatrist again Monday morning to see how the Lithium is working. And I presume he'll want to do labs soon to check my levels. So far the lithium seems to be agreeing with me, no bad groggy or weird side effects like I've gotten from atypical anti-psychotics. Maybe this is the medication I needed all along. Anyways, hope it goes ok. I feel good now. And not drugged and still in ontrol of myself. And a few days ago I wanted to kill myself, and now I want to live!

[mecch]

 

[RobbyR]

So far so good on Lithium. Taking 300mg three times a day. Zero side effects so far! A bit of tiredness and a little increased urination, nothing else. Actually this is probably the easiest medication I've ever tried. Wish I'd been given it sooner! Atypical antipsychotics made me feel hungover, groggy, sick, and like a zombie and anti-depressants messed me up badly and made me physically sick. I see my psychiatrist again Monday to see how the Lithium is working out. Looks like I'm going to give him a glowing review. I'll probably have to have blood dran soon to check my levels so my dosage is ok. But I can't say enough about this medication so far, it's been great! And I'm not wanting to hurt and kill myself anymore. Im not even having those thoughts. Plus I don't feel drugged or zonked out which I love. Guess this is why lithium is such an old medication, it doesn't have the nasty side effects a lot of these others have. I'm still having anxiety, but my doc said he may take me off Xanax and add Klonopin since it's longer lasting. And I tolerate benzos very well.

I plan on ditching Paxil and NEVER taking an anti-depressant again, they're just awful for me. Guess I needed a mood stabilizer all along.

Now if I can stay stable, maybe I can start building a life for myself slowly one step and one day at a time. I already notice a difference from just a few days ago, before lithium,, I was unstable and very impulsive & thought about suicide al the time, now I'm calmer and able to totally dismiss those thoughts!

[mecch]

7up the soda had lithium salts in it for the first decade or so of its existence.