Sex with a neg partner -- what do you do?

[geobee]

Hey all --

I've been dating a guy that's neg.  He's known since reading my profile that I'm poz.  I'm the top, he's the bottom. I'm UD and have been since shortly after infection 5 years ago.

My question is this:  what do all of you do with a neg partner?  Right now, the "rule" is no ejaculation in his ass or mouth.   He's sucked my dick, and I've put my dick in his ass but haven't ejaculated.  I have no precum.

What do you all do with a neg partner? 

Thanks!

PS -- I've read the articles re: the PARTNER study, I'm aware that it's hard to transmit to a partner if I'm UD, etc.  My question isn't about that.  My question is specifically what you all do sexually.  We're negotiating this and I want to know what other people are doing.

[mikeyb39]

If I were you I'd wear a condom at all times. If he becomes positive that could turn ugly, unless he doesn't care.  I guess it would depend on how long you've known the guy

Personally I don't date neg guys, it just doesn't work for me.  That being said there are few guys on here that do and have long lasting relationships and I'm certain they will give you an answer

[Bizkits]

In a nut shell, I was the neg partner in my present relationship starting out; He was poz. I didn't exactly know that off the bat, but that's another story...Anyway...We had that same rule as you two have, but that's not to say we didn't have our oopsies in the heat of the moment (I got tested religiously every 3 months and always tested neg, even with him ejaculating in me or vice versa a couple times). 

However, in all honesty, we both knew what we liked: BB sex, and we both enjoy a healthy sex life and some adventure. Before my partner met me, he serosorted his partners to only be with other poz/ud guys. In fact he thought I was one. (again, different story). To appease each others needs, we agreed to start fooling around with other guys. "neg" guys for me and poz/ud guys for him so we could go "all the way", so to speak. I told him I would rather be with other poz/ud guys because I was well educated on risks, statistics, etc. Well, after a while, (and I'm not saying we were out playing every night) they all started to just run together. On a side note, my partner doesn't like to disclose...the whole fear of rejection thing. He will, but it's very uncomfortable for him-primarily why he always serosorted. But, the more he did when we were "looking", the more and more responses he got where the guy either preferred it or was very accepting. Many were fine with BB too.

I won't know for sure for a few days still, once my doc is able to compare my genotype with my partners, but I'm pretty sure I didn't cross over from him (or any other poz/ud for that matter). I can almost guarantee it was someone who said they were neg..as per their last test 8 years ago. We're slowly getting back into the game as it's been over a month now since I crossed over but baby steps.

So, that is my experience. As far as what do you do with a negative partner? Don't play around with other guys bareback who don't truly know their status...that's for damn sure. Otherwise, I'd say enjoy a normal, natural sex life-whatever that may be for you two. Always keep your line of communication open and talk about it. The rest, well, just figure it out as you go. 

I should add that I hope my present partner is my last. I don't ever want to go anywhere. The whole status thing mattered to me at one point in my life but after a certain point and a bit of education, it really didn't...and I found the love of my life. Funny how things turn out sometimes.

[Miss Philicia]

My last (serious relationship) partner was HIV-negative. We always used condoms. I did not have a fully suppressed viral load the entire time -- it was always around ~40,000 copies/mL . Neither of us freaked out about condoms breaking or mishaps, we never had a heat of the moment instance even if drunk or high of not using condoms as we were both very experienced sexually by that time (around age mid-30's).

[bocker3]

So, I'm always intrigued why people want to know what others are doing sexually?  You say that the two of you are negotiating, you have "rules", you know the PARTNERS study stuff, etc, etc, etc.
What does knowing what my negative husband and I do sexually offer you here?  You will likely find the whole gamut on this forum -- from NEVER, EVER without a condom, to NEVER, EVER with a condom. 
The real question you need to answer is what do you and your partner feel comfortable with?  What do the two of you "know" about risk and are willing to accept?

Mike

[geobee]

Thanks for all the posts, guys.  This helps me understand how these relationships can work.  I've been single for several years after my DX.   And before that a relationship for 20.  So I'm out of practice!  Seems a bit like riding a bike tho. 

He's checking with some of his buddies, too.   It helps me to know what some of the norms/parameters are.  Obviously we'll do what works best for us.

George

[pittman]

PrEP is an option as well.

[mecch]

Are you dating or is he your boyfriend, committed partner.
I am surprised you are barebacking. Yeah I heard you, undetectable and "no pre-cum".
But, if you are both consenting, have at it.

It seems illogical that you are going at it this way, but holding back on coming in the mouth and butt. I mean, if you both agreed it is safe, then just go whole hog. Cause its no risk.

If you have a tiny worry that its not no risk, those the qualifications - oh, I pull out - then it seems we are in the same crummy logic of people who believe that "pulling out" makes it safe.

Am I reading this wrong?

And why is it necessary to have a rule about coming in the mouth. Since its not a risk whatsoever? 

[geobee]

Yeah, well, I got HIV through oral sex.  "Impossible" or not, it happened.  Last time I said that on this site no one believed me, but I don't really care.

We've only been dating a little while -- I haven't dated anyone neg since I've been poz.  So I'm still trying to find my way forward.  I think it's probably no risk since my VL is UD, but of course he has to feel comfortable too.

[AusShep]

Yeah, well, I got HIV through oral sex.  "Impossible" or not, it happened.  Last time I said that on this site no one believed me, but I don't really care.

Well, I believe you.  Shit happens, I was one of the rare occurrences too.  The old cum in the eye trick.  0.03% chance the only time I saw actual odds on it, and it's really based on occupational exposure; but this was in the days where UD wasn't possible.  Never brought it up here because there's no sense arguing about it.

My partner has been neg for 20 years (almost) since it happened.  I'll usually, but not always, not cum in his mouth, and I do precum; but always use condoms for everything else.

[mecch]

Well sounds like you have a good working rationale. Do what he feels comfortable doing. And take comfort yourself that you aren't having risky sex anyway you are doing it.