Having to deal with it !!!

[Thaddeus4]

I tested postive in October last year, only 10 weeks after being infected. I have basically put everything on hold and only now am dealing with it. ( My father died after a long illness and i've sold my house) my doctor offered support but i really dont know what to do next. My t cell count is high and my viral load very low. What is going to happen to me? when will I start feeling symptoms. I can find so little literature on this first stage.

[dusty99]

Thad,
(hope that is ok to call you)Welcome to the forum, I am new to this as well, I was diagnosed in Mar of this year, If I may ask, what are your numbers? If they are good, then you will more than likely not need meds or anything like that for some time. This is not a death sentence (something I thought when I was diagnosed and found this not to be true) Many people on this forum have been living with HIV for 20+ years. I am sure they will be along shortly to give you better insight than I could since I am really a newbie to everything. I just wanted to give you encouragement, welcome you to the site and let you know you are among friends and a good support element and a place you can find out pretty much anything you need to know.

[Thaddeus4]

Dusty

Thanks so much, I haven't told a soul in 7 months and I think I'm about to crash, I just feel to desperate and I've realised I cant keep this hidden. I just cant go on like this

Thad

[Assurbanipal]

Hello Thaddeus and welcome

There's a lot to handle when first getting up to speed on the virus and its potential effects on you.  You might find it helpful to look at the lessons on this site.  You can click on them in the upper left hand corner of the screen or just click on the link below:
http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Introduction_4702.shtml

You may find the material in the first three sections very helpful to understanding what's happening and how you might start to address it.

Hope you feel better

Assurbanipal

[Robert]

Morning Thad.

I'm glad you found us.  I hope we can help answer some of your questions and put your mind at ease.

Please remember.  It's not the end of the world.  Although I can certainly see why you would think so, especially after your father died.  That is truly a  life-changing experience.  My condolences.

You mentioned "...My t cell count is high and my viral load very low. ".  This is certainly good news.  The more t-cells and the lower the viral load, the better.  This means your body is responding very well to the virus.  Are you on meds now?  If so, they're doing exactly what they're suppose to.  If not, then you need not worry about starting for a long time.  Do you have a Dr?  Working closely with him/her will certainly help you cope with this virus.

In the meantime, may I recommend   The First Year: HIV: An Essential Guide for the Newly Diagnosed by Brent Grodeck?  It's a remarkably well written book that will answer your questions and help you realize you can live well with this stupid virus. 

Like I said, I'm glad you found us.  Please come back and keep talking to us.  Open up.  And it doesn't always have to be about HIV.  Our Off Topic Forum is a great stress reliever.

robert

[dusty99]

Dusty

Thanks so much, I haven't told a soul in 7 months and I think I'm about to crash, I just feel to desperate and I've realised I cant keep this hidden. I just cant go on like this

Thad

Yeah, I know how you feel, been there, I have told people, but very limited. I can't tell my family as there would nothing but condemnation there. I have told my ex-wife, who is a great support, I also have a great support element here in Nashville, with my church and friends I found once I moved here (I found out my status 2 weeks before moving here) I am truly blessed to have the support that I do. As well as checking out the lessons as was suggested, I would also look for a support element (It will help you far more than you may realize) check out the local Aids Support Organization they can help with  stuff as well. For me I found my faith helped me a great deal along with my church, in dealing with this. But being able to talk to people about your fears, concerns, emotional pain et al, either here on online or in person with a physical group will really help you deal with everything. And don't worry if you think you are asking too many questions, everyone here is very supportive and helpful.

[Andy Velez]

Welcome, Thaddeus. You've come to the right place. The kinds of things and feelings you describe are very familar here. Gradually you're going to learn about everything you need to know to stay healthy. The most important thing right off the bat is having a doctor whom  you can work with in a good partnership.

You're dealing with a lot of big stuff. Not only HIV but also the loss of your dad. So give yourself time to adjust and to learn. Here you can talk about anything that's on your mind. And ask questions. As for disclosing your status, please read our lesson that subject. There's no rush in doing that, so that's something else to take your time with doing. It's comforting to have others understand what you're dealing with, but you also want to be careful about who you tell and when.

We're open 24/7 and you're always welcome.

Cheers,

[Thaddeus4]

I just cannot see a way forward. What is the point. I am so scared. What is the point of carrying on. I am sitting her in the hotel room, so alone whats the one day or 10 years whats the difference. i cant see anyway forward

[BlueMoon]

At the risk of sounding morbid, we're all doomed to die from the day we were born, so what was ever the point of carrying on in the first place?

HIV doesn't change that, it just adds an extra layer of difficulty to the equation.  In your case that means try to maintain healthy habits and continue to monitor your CD4 and viral load.  When the time comes, you start taking pills.     

I hope you're feeling better this morning.

[MarkB]

I just cannot see a way forward. What is the point. I am so scared. What is the point of carrying on. I am sitting her in the hotel room, so alone whats the one day or 10 years whats the difference. i cant see anyway forward

Thaddeus - there can be few members of this forum who haven't asked themselves those same questions: from time to time, perhaps they still do. You are among friends who can at least begin to understand what you are feeling and how low you must be right now.

In the end, no-one can take from you the right to decide what to do with your life. What I would say to you, as someone who has been where you are, is that perhaps now is not the time to make that decision. For today, at least, hold on.

[BT65]

Thaddeus4, I want to encourage you to seek some professional counseling.  I've been where you're at.  I couldn't ever see a way to the future for me either.  There have been a couple times since I tested HIV+ (1989) that my family almost had to carry out my pre-paid memorial service.  They weren't good times. 

What I can say to you is to just hold on.  Even if it feels all you can do is sit and breathe, just do it.  Come on here and let us know how you're doing.  And please seek out some professional help.  Things really can be better.  Just hang in there, sweetie.
  Luv,
Betty

[PositivelyYours]

I just cannot see a way forward. What is the point. I am so scared. What is the point of carrying on. I am sitting her in the hotel room, so alone whats the one day or 10 years whats the difference. i cant see anyway forward

Hello Thaddeus,

I hope all is well with you.  After reading your post - I couldn't help but think about the way I felt when I was first diagnosed in August 2006.  I received my diagnosis over the phone while at work.  To this day - it is still a hard pill to swallow, but you will learn to deal with it and move forward.  As the rest of the forum members mentioned - this is not the end of the world.  You have just been thrown a curve like the rest of us and it's how you choose to deal with it that determines your outcome.  As for revealing your status - Only when you are ready.  You need to take some time and get your thougths together first.  Even though I don't know you - I am praying that God gives you strenght and courage.   You will be just fine. I am not saying you will not have situations to come up, but you will make it through them.  If you want to hit me up with a private message or even talk over the phone then please let me know.  We are all in this together my brother.  I am here for you!