Dating someone positive, just a few questions

[goodgoing]

Hey, first post here.

I have been searching the internet and found this place, and it seems like an oasis of information compared to the rest of the messy internet regarding HIV.

Backstory: I'm male, 23, negative, and a few months ago I met an amazing guy, 30, and we formed a friendship. Everything seemed wonderful, our mutual friends wanted us to get together, and I just wanted him to stop shying off whenever he started to show romantic affection. Last week, he finally made a move and kissed me, but said he can't date me because he is HIV positive. I just hugged him, I'm so glad he could tell me. However, I've felt so down ever since, so I still want to ask him out on a date - he may still say no to protect me obviously, but I need to try and research this.

1) If someone's viral load is undetectable and a condom is always used, what is the likelihood of infection (within a relationship)? I know you can't put a number on this per se, but a rough idea of safety would be nice.  I know that there's always a risk. Always. But if the risk is similar to being dying by being hit by a car ... well I don't cower from cars driving past me in the street!

2) Lastly, if dating developed into a relationship, am I just postponing contracting the virus, or can I remain completely virus free indefinitely? Again, the risk will always be there, but if I practise safe sex and he has a low virus load, how common is it for seroconversion in a serodiscordant relationship?

Thanks for any help in advance!

[mecch]

You are not at risk of catching HIV from this guy if you have safesex.

You dont really want "1 in x" statistics, do you? Seems like you don't.

You can enquire as to whether he is undetectable or not.  If he is undetectable, this adds further security for your emotional fears and his.


There are a lot of fears that come up when entering a new relationship and add HIV to the mix and you just have more fears and anxieties.  There ARE definitely things to thing about, about what it means to live with HIV in the world, or to have your partner have it.  But its just one among many things people think about. Its rather easy for ALL SORTS of fears about many other things to kind of gravitate and transform and collect then, around the idea that the barrier to making a couple is a fear of HIV transmission. 

(Have you got his credit score, by the way??? See what I mean....  )

It is odd that he says he can't date you "because he is HIV positive".  Did you misunderstand what he said? Project your own thoughts? Or are you putting words in his mouth? 

If he himself feels that he doesn't have a right to a sex life, or a love affair, because he is positive, there will be some extra work involved here getting the intimacy.  You'll only be able to do some of that work, he has to do a fair amount himself. 

[goodgoing]

Thanks for replying. I haven't projected any of my own feelings into this. I feel pretty relaxed about it all, because I've spent a long time researching HIV information.

It wasn't a black and white "no, we're not dating". From the way he said it, it sounded like he was protecting himself from potential rejection. I've arranged to meet up and he's gladly accepted. I just want to be as knowledgeable as possible about safety etc!

[Rockin]

Hey goodgoing, welcome. If you read some other threads here you'll see plenty of stories from people who are in serodiscordant relationships, both gay and straight, including some frequent posters.

I think your guy is having a very common behavior: he seems to like you and this whole "we cannot have a relationship" speech is because he's probably more afraid of your reaction to it, especially you being much younger than him. It's him trying to "protect" you and avoiding a possible rejection from your part.

I personally believe in "no drama"...relationships can be very dramatic and the less the better. I like your attitude and I think you two have to talk more about it. But as long as he sticks to his meds I think you'll both be fine...good luck.

In any case tell him to drop by and shares his fears with us.

[emeraldize]

Maybe your first date together can be reading threads, articles and studies of serodiscordant success stories over coffee.

Second date-- nice dinner, club, sky's the limit.

Get a move on!

Life's shorter than either of you could possibly know.

[goodgoing]

The date went well... as friends. He's trying a new treatment, serious family illness, messy previous break up... it's not good timing right now for anything. Oh well, the silver lining:

Thanks for all your responses. I have researched a lot about a virus that frankly scared me a lot, which no longer does. I feel mentally more at peace about HIV, and it finally gave me the kick up the arse to go for a sexual health screening, just for my own mind sake.

I will certainly refer people here should they have any fears/concerns about HIV!

[emeraldize]

The date went well... as friends. He's trying a new treatment, serious family illness, messy previous break up... it's not good timing right now for anything. Oh well, the silver lining:

Thanks for all your responses. I have researched a lot about a virus that frankly scared me a lot, which no longer does. I feel mentally more at peace about HIV, and it finally gave me the kick up the arse to go for a sexual health screening, just for my own mind sake.

I will certainly refer people here should they have any fears/concerns about HIV!

Good on ALL counts! Thanks for the update.

[mecch]

But as long as he sticks to his meds I think you'll both be fine...good luck.

I had THREE relationships with HIV+ people, with AIDS, and medicine did NOT exist, and I was HIV negative and "fine".  The HIV+ partner "sticking to meds" isn't the critical thing here, it's safe sex.