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Author Topic: Disclosing status and marriage  (Read 1256 times)

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Offline ZeldaDC

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  • Posts: 25
Disclosing status and marriage
« on: February 25, 2021, 12:03:12 pm »

My partner and I plan to get married this 2021 in the state of Virginia, USA ... we have been together for 5 years and I have not confessed about my status ... we have always protected ourselves, I am undetectable and our sex life is different. Should I reveal it before marriage? I am afraid that he will leave me ... When signing legal papers or when entering his health insurance program, may there be a risk that officers will reveal that I have the virus? Where could I find more info abour legal services?  :-[

Offline Grasshopper

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  • Posts: 676
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2021, 12:51:57 pm »
My previous partner hid his status for me for the first year and a half that we were together. Found out when he got hospitalized with OI's. My reaction was; shit happens got to deal with it. A year later, the day before he passed I was cleaning his car so his brother could have it, I found in the trunk between the spare tire AZT pills. That was odd, but left it for what it was  because I had other things on my mind and was consumed with having someone upstairs dying. A week after his passing I mentioned it to his GP, and his face turned red and utterd...."didn't you know" ? He gave the medical file to look at, and I saw that he had tested positive and was on AZT for over 2 years before we met.

Can you imagine how I felt ? Loving, living and caring for someone...till his bitter end and not knowing he had been positive from day 1 we met.....AND.....I got the virus from him !

I had to swallow this all by myself....he was gone...no one left to sream at or talk things out.
Anyways...this was august 1993. Time heals and bygones are bygones.

Reading your post makes my skin crawl......being together for 5 year.....planning to get married.....and the partner is unaware of such an important aspect of your life.

I'm so so sorry I read your post and wish I could un-read it.
« Last Edit: February 25, 2021, 12:54:14 pm by Grasshopper »

Offline Almost2late

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  • Posts: 1,358
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2021, 02:40:41 am »
Wow, this is so pathetically selfish that I don't believe you.You're trolling right?

If this is true, and you really plan on marriage before disclosing your status, you should consider the legal ramifications of it..

You may want to read on how Virginia law deals with hiv nondisclosure and marriage, you may be held criminally or civilly accountable.. https://www.hivlawandpolicy.org/sites/default/files/Virginia%20-%20Excerpt%20from%20CHLP%27s%20Sourcebook%20on%20HIV%20Criminalization%20in%20the%20U.S._0.pdf





Offline daveR

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  • Posts: 193
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2021, 03:31:14 am »
A relationship built upon lies and deceit is doomed for failure. Step up to the plate and tell them. If they love you it will not matter. Although the last five years may be a problem to explain, I think it will be better to get it out in the open now, rather than later.
The first person I told was my partner, I couldn't imagine entering a life long relationship with being up front about my status.

Good luck with it.
Dave
« Last Edit: February 26, 2021, 03:37:01 am by daveR »

Offline fabio

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  • Posts: 652
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2021, 03:54:37 am »
All fear aside,lying to someone for so long about a very important aspect of your life is morally wrong. So,in your situation,I would tell it no matter the consequences before you get into bigger trouble in the marriage.

Offline paintedroom

  • Member
  • Posts: 373
  • Dx`d July 2016
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2021, 07:02:20 am »
I'm sorry for your conflict but this is a categorical wrong and you already know it.
To elaborate on this would be to tell you everything you already know in your gut...however,You will be placing yourself in the position of a spy in a putatively loving relationship,all the time watching yourself and what you say,forever fearful of a slip and worse what might be going on in your partner and its state development.

It will be one of the toughest things you do in your life but its the only course of action whereby you can retain any self respect...and it maybe just that your partner loves you enough to forgive you and continue on in an even more strengthened bond.

Wishing you all the strength that you need and hope you take this on sooner rather than later.P.
Dx`d mid July 2016
8/8/2016 - CD4 50     VL 50,000
5/9/2016 -  CD4 150
13/9/2016  VL  undetectable.
March `17 - CD4 193   VL undetectable.
March  `18 CD4 214    VL undetectable
March 2019 CD4 325  VL UD
Genvoya - Changed to Biktarvy feb 2021

Offline paintedroom

  • Member
  • Posts: 373
  • Dx`d July 2016
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2021, 07:03:49 am »
I'm sorry for your conflict but this is a categorical wrong and you already know it.
To elaborate on this would be to tell you everything you already know in your gut...however,You will be placing yourself in the position of a spy in a putatively loving relationship,all the time watching yourself and what you say,forever fearful of a slip and worse what might be going on in your partner and its state development.

It will be one of the toughest things you do in your life but its the only course of action whereby you can retain any self respect...and it maybe just that your partner loves you enough to forgive you and continue on in an even more strengthened bond.

Wishing you all the strength that you need and hope you take this on sooner rather than later.P.
Dx`d mid July 2016
8/8/2016 - CD4 50     VL 50,000
5/9/2016 -  CD4 150
13/9/2016  VL  undetectable.
March `17 - CD4 193   VL undetectable.
March  `18 CD4 214    VL undetectable
March 2019 CD4 325  VL UD
Genvoya - Changed to Biktarvy feb 2021

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2021, 09:28:17 am »
@ZeldaDC

Sorry to hear that you find yourself in this delicate position.

If I recall, your diagnosis was within the last few years. So just double-checked, and it was Feb 2019. So you were already a few years into this relationship when you found out your HIV status. 

I can understand it's hard to share your status, particularly just after diagnosis. A few years have since passed, and it can't have been easy for you if you have been stressing about accidental disclosure.   

Quote
Should I reveal it before marriage? I am afraid that he will leave me ...

Morally each to their own. I would share my HIV status, as I could not keep this information to myself and live with someone in fear they might someday find out. Now, HIV aside, If my partner had any long term manageable medical condition, I would feel disappointed/untrusted if my partner failed to tell me or thought they could not tell me.

Anyhow, whatever happens, I do wish you the best.

If you decide to share your HIV status, you might want to consider getting some legal advice before sharing. Some places have very outdated exposure laws or marriage laws, and you have had a relationship for a few years without sharing your HIV status.

Jim
 
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
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Offline lightalltheway

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  • Posts: 148
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2021, 10:36:55 am »
What is your best definition of marriage institution? What is your definition of companionship, of trust? How far can you go with being true with yourself before others - especially a life time person.

Addressing those questions within your current relationship may guide you to answer yourself.

I am not here to judge .. Try to read my message again!

Offline bactheusllo

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Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #9 on: February 27, 2021, 03:56:13 am »
I have encountered similar situations multiple times and each time I disclose to a boyfriend/partner, their reactions vary. Some passive but some tends towards the indignant. One even threatened to sue for reckless endangerment.
My advice would be to have a frank discussion with your partner ASAP. Marriage should be a sanctum sanctorum one shouldn't enter into lightly. If the situation were reversed, imagine how you would feel if such a revelation was withheld from you for so long. Be sensible, my friend.

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2021, 05:37:23 am »
@
bactheusllo

Welcome to the forum, as a new member can you please open an introduction thread and introduce yourself to the forum members. Thanks.

Let us know how are you doing, how the treatment is going etc.  It's standard for new members.

 :)
« Last Edit: February 27, 2021, 09:40:47 am by Jim Allen »
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline harleymc

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,435
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2021, 04:38:41 am »
Congratulations on your engagement.

Unlike some of the judgemental types on this thread, I won't presume to tell you what to do in terms of disclosure or marriage. 

Listen to your own heart only you can decide what is right for you and your fiancee.  Carrying a big secret around does have a couple of disadvantages as you are well aware.

Anyway good luck and I wish you well.


Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,427
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2021, 12:38:16 pm »
https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2021/02/virginia-moves-forward-bill-decriminalize-hiv-transmission/

It's been awhile so I'm not sure if I did that right.
 Right now, it's against the law although with U=U, it would be harder to prove.

I've never got married so I have no idea?



Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline pittman

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  • Posts: 286
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2021, 08:18:47 pm »
Haven't logged on in awhile, but this caught my eye.

I can't really add much to what was recommended already, but I can share that when I got married in Pennsylvania, we were asked by the city clerk who grants the marriage license if we had any diseases in front of each other. Pretty sure the point was disclosure to each other, and failure to could lead to legal problems.

Also, while Virginia is not one of them, some states will require blood tests in order to get a marriage license. Again, not about preventing marriage, but about forcing disclosure. Those laws had been in place well before HIV.

Offline Jackmydin

  • Member
  • Posts: 73
Re: Disclosing status and marriage
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2021, 11:03:36 am »
I know exactly how you feel. As I was in the same spot like you a year ago. I was forced to choose telling my partner the horror truth, or make up some lame excuses to end the relationship ASAP. It's really struggling and I have to put a fake poker face everytime we meet because I couldn't forgive myself being so selfish. But eventually things happened in a destined way, turns out my partner actually found out my pill box which I stash in my daily bag and googled it. We confronted with each other that night and my partner actually accepted who I am. That takes out a big burden I kept from everyday we date and meet....

So yea, I would suggest you start hinting or testing your partner ideas about hiv etc. Especially with u=u. Down the marriage road with lies isn't going to end well, and your routine medical check, taking pills every night will definitely cause some suspicion.

Wishing you the best

 


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