Disclosure of your status - forget about sex or am I missing something?

[Genomity]

I'm not sure I understand after reading this forum where everyone recommends to disclose your status to your date even if you're UU...

But if so am I the only who understands that there is no one in the right state of mind would have sex with you once he knows you're HIV+? Even if you're into long term relationship the first sex thing happens really quickly either on the first date or second (in most cases) and at that stage it's not that serious to think about LTR (it's too early) so who that HIV- would even wanna hear about UU thing and other things when there are so many LTR or one night stands available that are HIV-.

Would YOU? (if you were HIV-). I don't think so.

It means I (as a single) should forget about sex at all then... 

Am I missing something here?

[Jim Allen]

I doubt everyone I had sex with was in the wrong state of mind as you seem to suggest, but thanks for that.

Being HIV+ has never been a barrier for me having one night stands and getting laid. I can only recall 2 somewhat negative experiences or rejections, and that their attitudes are their problem, not mine. Might be I am just lucky but nobody has ever seemed to really care other than 1 or 2 quick questions.

It means I (as a single) should forget about sex at all then...

Bit blunt question, but is this post is because you are not getting laid or something like that?  I mean have you been trying to date or just concerned about getting back into dating?

[Jim Allen]

I'm not sure I understand after reading this forum where everyone recommends to disclose your status to your date even if you're UU...

I can tell you the "why" from my point of view, it's just my own opinion.

One nightstand:

1) Sadly, legal requirements in some nations and places
2) Avoids the risk of them freaking out should they find out after the fact, it's a small world at times.

Dating:

4) Weeding out the types that can't be with someone who has any kind of manageable condition. Very judgemental perhaps but I think it's some emotional or developmental limitation some people just seem to have

5) If it does end up being a relationship, when are you going to tell them?
1 month in, 3 months, 12 months? How do you think they will react to you not trusting them from the start? 

Best, Jim

[Genomity]

For one night stands - I'm 99% positive that no one would come to you once they know the status. I've disclosed a few times - no one ever contacted me again, they just disappeared. I did it just about with 10 (just to see for myself), no one wanted to have sex with me.

Dating - in gay world dating always starts with sex (well in 95%) and not because of anything but just to see if we're compatible sexually. So this one brings us to the above.

The only option I see is dating another HIV+.

I wonder am I the only one who understands the reality or what?

[Jim Allen]

I'm sure others will chime in on this thread with perhaps thoughts or tips that might be more useful.

Sounds like you have been unlucky with the dating so far I will give you that. Except for once, who I dated twice before sex, i've always had sex on the first meet or date.

I wonder am I the only one who understands the reality or what?

From the conversations over the years, I very much doubt I am the only one who discloses and manages to get laid. Perhaps your reality or situation is somewhat different, also, it might be that we look for dates in different places, not sure if it's a factor but I've always met people in bars, clubs, pubs, shops, work etc, not the online dating or hookups

One thing I have found is the delivery of the message somewhat helps, I've heard other HIV+ people just blurt it out or have a long speech when disclosing leading nowhere as one would expect.

The only option I see is dating another HIV+.

Could be an option to explore, might help get you back into dating etc.
Anyhow, hope things go better for you soon.

Jim

[Genomity]

Straight world is very different all about sex and dating, trust me.  And yes I'm using online apps for that and it seems people want just sex there. I am not into club/bars scene, it's very boring to me.

So far I just have lots of sex but nothing major....

I wonder if there an app or something for people with HIV?

[Jim Allen]

Yup, the straight world is all about sex, it's just publicly denied more by the so-called fairer sex, at least in my personal experience.

Anyhow, surely there must be some apps ... If not perhaps an idea to start one?
There is the POZ Personals https://personals.poz.com not sure if that is helpful.

I'm sure others will chime in on this thread with perhaps thoughts or tips that might be more useful with regards to dating, online dating and one-night stands ect

Best, Jim

[kentfrat1783]

Hi,

In the USA (I live in Ohio) it is legally mandated that I disclose my status. 

I took a trip back in September to MA and I'd be lying if I wasn't looking for a little "fun".  I did disclose my status and shockingly only one person stopped talking to me.  the others were like your undetectable so "who cares".  I still used protection (as we should anyway) and had a great time. 

Yes, we will get rejected but I've been rejected prior to the positive status.  It's all in how you look at it. 

I've just learned that being honest and upfront to start is key.  I do see the U=U stance now has helped a lot. 

Kenneth

[Genomity]

Hi,

In the USA (I live in Ohio) it is legally mandated that I disclose my status. 

I took a trip back in September to MA and I'd be lying if I wasn't looking for a little "fun".  I did disclose my status and shockingly only one person stopped talking to me.  the others were like your undetectable so "who cares".  I still used protection (as we should anyway) and had a great time. 

Yes, we will get rejected but I've been rejected prior to the positive status.  It's all in how you look at it. 

I've just learned that being honest and upfront to start is key.  I do see the U=U stance now has helped a lot. 

Kenneth

So you tell a guy you meet just for an hour or so that you're HIV+?

[bocker3]

Perhaps it's your attitude about HIV that is giving you the hard time you seem to be having in the dating scene.

If you think that it is "bad" and you wouldn't have sex with a poz person (if you were still neg), that vibe just may be coming from you and impacting them.

It's tough to come to terms with your new life -- but if you aren't comfortable with it, you aren't likely to make anyone else comfortable with it either.

I KNOW that I am not a pariah and the people who've I had sex with since finding out I was positive (back in 2005) were all in their "right minds".  To suggest otherwise is just a tad bit insulting.

Mike

[harleymc]

Genormity I didn't become a born again virgin 34 years ago when I seroconverted.

You'll find some people who are irrationally reject PLWHAs as potential sex partners but there's also some smart cookies out there for whom it's just not an issue.

[MadDog125]

I'm not a voice of reason on this.  I quit the game completely.  No one night stands, no app memberships, ect.  If by some freak coincidence I meet someone in the course of my normal life disclosure will occur before any intimacy.  I remeber seeing back when I was in the mix so to say some would openly post poz friendly or advertise that they were on prep.  I would expect said individuals to be more open (possibly more promiscuous).  Legally in my state disclosure is required regardless of health and or use of protection.  A little research revealed only one individual charged in the last 15 years.  Not to mention the prosecutor stated he believed this guy was deliberately trying to infect others.  Ultimately it's your decision, but I would side with being up front.

[kentfrat1783]

Do I tell everyone about my status?  No.

If the conversation is talking about meeting up for sex (and not just phone sex) and we set up a time and date then at that point I say something. 

It isn't like I like having that conversation but even if it wasn't the law I'd still want to say something.  It's the right thing to do. 

[joemutt]

I wonder am I the only one who understands the reality or what?

I have different experience, maybe I live in another reality. 

[Pirata]

In North Carolina you are not obligated to disclose your status if you have been under treatment for more than six months and you have been undetectable for the same time

[Genomity]

In North Carolina you are not obligated to disclose your status if you have been under treatment for more than six months and you have been undetectable for the same time

I’m moving to North Carolina!! (I’m kidding). At least some states are sane all about this mandatory wearing of the David’s star!

[bocker3]

At least some states are sane all about this mandatory wearing of the David’s star!

As I mentioned earlier -- it is going to be very difficult for you to find anyone to look at you and not your virus if this is how you view yourself!!
I believe you are still pretty new to being poz and I know it's tough to come to terms with -- but at the end of the day, you have a virus.  THAT IS ALL - A VIRUS!!!  Yes, someone will dismiss you, out of hand, but not all will.  However, if you can't accept you, it will be very tough to have others do it.
I went through a lot of counseling to help come to terms with my diagnosis and it did wonders.  Today, I don't see my life as any different from before I acquired this virus -- other than taking my meds and, maybe, a few more doctor appts.  Then again, I'm older now, so those may have happened on their own anyway.
Best of luck coming to terms with this.  It can get better -- you just have to let it.

Mike

[Genomity]

As I mentioned earlier -- it is going to be very difficult for you to find anyone to look at you and not your virus if this is how you view yourself!!
I believe you are still pretty new to being poz and I know it's tough to come to terms with -- but at the end of the day, you have a virus.  THAT IS ALL - A VIRUS!!!  Yes, someone will dismiss you, out of hand, but not all will.  However, if you can't accept you, it will be very tough to have others do it.
I went through a lot of counseling to help come to terms with my diagnosis and it did wonders.  Today, I don't see my life as any different from before I acquired this virus -- other than taking my meds and, maybe, a few more doctor appts.  Then again, I'm older now, so those may have happened on their own anyway.
Best of luck coming to terms with this.  It can get better -- you just have to let it.

Mike

Thanks but I think differently all about it and not to start a discussion here but it has nothing to do with me (i'm fine and over it long time ago, I mean the HIV thing although I have it for 11 months now) but I know for sure that 9 out of 10 wouldn't do anything with you once they know your status. I know people say here differently and 'how you say it and where you find partners' and for what LTR or just sex so on and so forth - perhaps it's New York that different or something but this is my experience and it has nothing to do with the way I said it or the way I think of me or the way I think of the HIV at all and so on. I guess we think/view differently about it and it's fine. In order for anyone (in my notion) to say ok to it you gotta really be known and wanted by that person (big time) but that takes a lot of time for that to develop but who doesn't have sex on 1-2-3-4-5 meeting in gay world (3-4-5 is really exaggerated and you know it is)? C'mon. I'm happy it's all different for all of you and I know you think it's me or my view on that - it's not at all. But thank you for sharing

[Jim Allen]

Thanks but I think differently all about it and not to start a discussion here but it has nothing to do with me

In all fairness, you asked questions and if you were missing something. So comments and suggestions are bound to be expected. I do agree with Mike that you do seem to have a somewhat negative perception of people who have sex with people living with HIV and those living with HIV, this probably doesn't help your situation.

I know for sure that 9 out of 10 wouldn't do anything with you me once they know your my status

Made a small correction to your text above and I think you will find out and figure out what works for you along the way as everyone else who has commented so far has done for themselves. You are very new to this with limited experience, not dismissing it, but it's not facts either.

Whatever you do, give it time, don't give up on the dating 

Best, Jim

[Genomity]

In all fairness, you asked questions and if you were missing something. So comments and suggestions are bound to be expected. I do agree with Mike that you do seem to have a somewhat negative perception of people who have sex with people living with HIV and those living with HIV, this probably doesn't help your situation.

Made a small correction to your text above and I think you will find out and figure out what works for you along the way as everyone else who has commented so far has done for themselves. You are very new to this with limited experience, not dismissing it, but it's not facts either.

Whatever you do, give it time, don't give up on the dating 

Best, Jim

The comments actually made me understand something else (related to psychology) that correlates with my thoughts all about it (not going to discuss or reveal it here) - thanks so much!!

[Jim Allen]

Don't worry, nobody here is forcing you to discuss or reveal anything, just keep in mind that you will get replies to your comments/posts.

Best, Jim

[bocker3]

but I know for sure that 9 out of 10 wouldn't do anything with you once they know your status.

I can unequivocally tell you that this quote is wrong for me and many others.  Perhaps it's your experience, I have no way of knowing and will take you at your word - but you simply can't extrapolate your experience to the whole population of poz people. 
Stigma exists, it's true, but people, especially gay men, have made strides toward understanding this virus and how to go about living with it.  I also have seen the strides made in negative folk's views on poz folks.  There is far more hope here than your posts seem to suggest.  I have seen it, first hand, in my journey, since testing poz in 2005.

I have posted in this thread, not to attack your way of thinking, but to try and make you look at this virus from a different POV. 
I do believe that we often get exactly what we expect in life -- so I choose to expect acceptance.  I don't always get it, but it get it far more than I don't.  I expect my life to be pretty similar to what it was before this virus -- and, it really is pretty much the same.
I try to be a "glass half-full" type of guy, while maintaining a realistic mindset.  I don't always succeed, but then, I didn't when I was negative either. 

So, your post title includes, "...or am I missing something?"  My answer is, Yes, you are missing something.  People can be better than you seem to be giving them credit for.  I try to focus more on them and less on those who aren't.

I wish you all the best --
Mike

[Jim Allen]

Although an interesting topic for a number of reasons, with different opinions I am having to lock this thread. I know this is an unpopular move but it was needed.

Should anyone wish to continue discussing disclosure as a topic you are more than welcome to open a new thread.

Best, Jim