Husband just found out he's HIV+ and I have a ?

[marriedgirl77]

My husband of five years, (we've been together longer than that), just tested pos for HIV.  I tested negative.  He states that two years ago, he had a female give him oral sex one time in a parking lot.  I understand that odds are low to get HIV from oral sex, but do any of you know anyone that contracted HIV from oral sex, or have any of you contracted HIV in that way?  Just wanna know if I can trust his explanation, or if there is more deception going on.  Yes, this has been a trying time in our marriage. 

[zach]

have never known anyone confirmed positive from oral... and never heard credible reports of such... but have heard legends and myths

i'm not saying he's deceiving you, he may be uneducated about it. diagnosis is a rough time, lot of questions we struggle with but never really able to answer satisfactorily.

why me?
how did this happen?
countless questions about the future.

no easy answers here. for him, the question of how quickly becomes irrelevant. something best to let go of. better question is how do we live with it? start looking forward instead of backwards.

i understand where you're coming from. very normal and human, we need someone to blame. i guess either you come to terms with it, or you leave.

[Jeff G]

There has not been one single documented case of a person becoming infected with HIV from a blow job ... ever. HIV is sexually transmitted from unprotected anal and vaginal sex.

Welcome to the forums. 

[marriedgirl77]

That's what I've come up with my research, Jeff.  I'd really just love to have the truth, ya know?  It's obvious he was unfaithful, at least be man enough to give me the truth about what happened.  Thanks for the welcome   Lots of info here! 

[Jim Allen]

You know reading your posts made me think back to my own marriage. I'm not going to comment on the oral sex HIV risk, I think Jeff has answered that one,just a thought could he not have picked up HIV before you got married ?

Anyhow what I am going to share/comment on is regarding seeking the truth.
(Feel free to tell me to buzz off)

Now unfortunately my marriage ended, I am still legally married as she lives full time in Ireland and I'm officially here most of the year nowadays, so in Ireland you need to be separated for 4 out of 5 years before you can get a divorce, by the time I get legally divorced it will have taken 7 years :-(

I don't know you or your husband, every marriage and relationship is different, but I will tell you what ended mine. During my marriage my wife was unfaithful a number of times, this caused a strain on me and a lot of hurt, after being married nearly 12 years it really was a kick in the nuts so to speak for me. But that did not end the marriage in hindsight, it was the trust issues that we (I) had and I did not address this correctly. Instead I kept seeking "the truth", I kept picking at the issue and seeking the truth. I wanted or thought I needed/wanted to know the details of her infidelity and I did not and still don't BTW think she  ever told me the full truthful story.

In hindsight I think I should have worked on accepting that I had the truth from the start. She cheated and betrayed me, that is the simple truth and the only truth that matters, the details really don't matter at the end of the day.
It might seem or feel like they do, I know it did feel that way for me for a long time but they don't and instead of stepping back and working on the issues / reasons causing this breakdown between us and working on the trust issues caused by the cheating, I at the time could not let go of not knowing and I was convinced knowing more and in my mind "the truth" would help me, in the end my own focus on the truth instead of the marriage was the nail in the coffin so to speak for the relationship. It was not intimidate and it played out for 12-18 months before it fully ended.

The truth in my marriage was Yes, she cheated and Yes she lied, but instead of simply accepting that's the truth and the who/what and when does not matter, i allowed it to ruin what was left. I should have been focused on the why and working on the marriage. 


Anyhow that was my marriage and I had a lot of time to think afterwards.  As said I don't know you or your husband, and every marriage and relationship is different.

Reading your posts the truth you seek, really you already have it, he cheated if it was a Blow Job, Vaginal sex or another sex it kinda does not matter (In my opinion). The question is do you want to work on the why he cheated, and what's wrong in the relationship you have, if so the gory details of the how he did it might not be the first thing to focus on, it might come out after time and after working on the marriage but that's really a lot of if's and but's.

Anyhow I wish both you and your husband all the best no matter what happens.

Jim.

[marriedgirl77]

You are sooooo correct.  My husband and I have had this discussion...and it's a topic I'm working on, spiritually, emotionally, physically, well, in every way that I possibly can.  I don't want the whole issue of our marriage to be "what happened".  He obviously cheated, and it obviously ended up with him getting HIV, and that should be the end of the story.  I don't really know why I'm so hell bent on knowing the details.  Truthfully, the details probably wouldn't bring me peace.  Maybe this is just my way of lashing out because I'm hurt.  I'm hurt that he cheated, I'm hurt that my husband is now sick (he's not on meds yet, and having A LOT of symptoms), I'm hurt that so many things are now different than they were just a few weeks ago, and not in a good way (constant doctors visits, trust issues, and the diagnosis itself).  I also have to worry because I've only had one negative HIV test, I still need to be retested in 6 weeks, then, after going on PrEP, every three months of testing, and I'm sure, the worrier that I am, I'll stress myself out each and every time.  What matters most, to me, is that I love my husband.  We were high school sweethearts, and I could not imagine my life without him.  So, I really just need to find a way to move past this and everything else and concentrate on helping him get and stay healthy.  It's just going to take some time to get there, I think.  Hopefully, we will come out stronger because of it all. 

[leatherman]

after going on PrEP, every three months of testing

here are a few things you should know if you and your husband will continue having sex

one choice, of course, is to use condoms

another choice if to use PrEP (it can be used with or without adding condoms. though my opinion is a little more precaution is better )

a third choice (that can be used with or without PrEP and/or condoms) is to wait until your husband has been on meds with an undetectable viral load (for at least 6 months but preferably a year. sorry there isn't any firm data about exactly how long yet. we just know that having a sustained UD for around a year equals zero chance of transmission) Although the waiting time is long, since he's having symptoms and y'all are working through things, maybe sex isn't on your list of things-you-have-to-do-in-your-marriage right now, so waiting may not be that big of a deal right now and for a while.

of course, just putting it out there, but things like cuddling, mutual masturbation, and oral sex have a zero chance of transmission.

if y'all are not having sex, there is certainly no reason for testing every three months since HIV is sexually transmitted. It's hard to get infected if y'all ain't doing it. LOL

If you use condoms, PrEP, and/or waiting until he has been UD (with that time stipulation) getting tested once or twice a year is all that is recommended. However, if you need piece of mind, don't ever hesitate to get tested just to be sure.

best wishes with all of this. I applaud you for wanting to work through this because of the love y'all share. There's a lot on both of your plates right now and it'll take time for things to work out emotionally, mentally, and physically.

[Theyer]

Sorry you find your self in this struggle .  I recognize plenty off the bloody niggling points that are filling your day.I want to comment on you saying how you wish to get past this point so you can help him.

That might well occur but I fear it will not unless both of you start looking after your self,s . It's. His HIV , He will have to take decisions , adhere to drug regimes , make appointment time and 101 different things.

I hope it's not just you seeking support during this hugely differcult time , if it is then please do not think you can do it for him ,

Well I Am glad you found us & wish you well ..
Michael

[Jim Allen]

I don't really know why I'm so hell bent on knowing the details.  Truthfully, the details probably wouldn't bring me peace.  Maybe this is just my way of lashing out because I'm hurt.  I'm hurt that he cheated, I'm hurt that my husband is now sick (he's not on meds yet, and having A LOT of symptoms), I'm hurt that so many things are now different than they were just a few weeks ago, and not in a good way (constant doctors visits, trust issues, and the diagnosis itself).

Sorry to hear he is sick and having symptoms, they can be hash to work though and I hope he starts his meds and feeling better soon.

I would agree with Michael you also need to look after yourself.
He will need to step up to the plate with regards to the HIV and try to mange this, I mean it's nice you support him but I hope your not alone in this or doing it for him.

All of this will all take time to process and I hope you both have support besides each other, and you know the relationship issues + HIV shock + Medication, care, concerns + all the other stuff is a lot in one go and this all takes time to process and my advice would be whatever happens besides the HIV not rush the process of working thought the other issues. This has obviously all sideswiped what you thought was your life. I can only imagine your both very focused on the HIV thing at the moment and that's a normal I suppose, given the situation, however also give yourself time and room to process the infidelity/relationship issues and trust concerns and keep in mind to really look after yourself not only for yourself but also for him so you can support him in the long run.

From the rest of your post it's obvious your hurting, and you know I felt the same for a long time. Now keeping in mind talk is cheap and anything I say is just an opinion from a flat footed guy 10000's of miles away behind a keyboard, i did want to comment a bit on the hurt. Looking back I think I wanted to know as I thought I could then I could give it a place in the past and move on, but yeah the details most likely would not have helped me, my focus should have been on the why this happened between us and then working on rebuilding trust that was shattered. I did not and that was my error.

What matters most, to me, is that I love my husband.  We were high school sweethearts, and I could not imagine my life without him.  So, I really just need to find a way to move past this and everything else and concentrate on helping him get and stay healthy.  It's just going to take some time to get there, I think.  Hopefully, we will come out stronger because of it all. 

Truly wishing you both the best.

Jim

[marriedgirl77]

Thanks guys for all of your feedback.  You are all so very helpful!!  About PrEP, I have been prescribed it, and when I went to fill it, our insurance apparently doesn't cover any antiviral (?) medications (much to our surprise).  Thankfully, thanks to the Ryan White Foundation, hubby will be covered, but as for me, I am going through the process of applying for medication assistance through Truvada.  Joys of paperwork and such, since without insurance, Truvada costs $1600 at our local Walmart, per month.  We just cannot afford that.  I don't honestly know anyone who can.  The doctor says that we're looking at 6 months to a year to getting hubby to a non-detectable viral load.  I think right now his viral load is 282,000.  He has a cd4 of 136.  They have him on a once a day dose of antibiotics to treat the fever, but they are waiting on the genotype blood test to come back to see which HIV medication to put him on.  We go back in a week.  I have to say, we have an AWESOME doctor.  He is very straightforward, and to the point. 

Just a little off topic, but, how long after medication starts should we expect the night sweats to go away??  He is completely soaking our bed every darn night, which requires washing everything, including the comforter, every day.  It's annoying, and I know embarrassing and uncomfortable for him.    One morning, I woke up, and my nightgown and underwear were wet from his night sweats, and I thought for a moment that I had peed the bed!!  They are THAT bad!

[zach]

hey, do us a favor, keep all your posts in a single thread... hard to follow someone along different threads

think you question about insurance coverage has been answered in the other thread... confirm with your carrier the difference between truvada as treatment for him, and as prep for you...

no one can afford hiv meds. every one of us in some way or another are connected into assistance, you both need to do the same.

meds will start working for him very quickly, thats the only thing we can promise. my night sweats went away within weeks, i had much lower cd4 and much higher viral load.

lot of variables, very few simple answers.

[marriedgirl77]

Will do Zach.  I have a question for you, or anyone else.  He is having pretty bad problems with erectile dysfunction, and we have established that it is connected to the HIV/AIDS.  Does that go away with treatment, or should we ask for some sort of testosterone supplement/Viagra/I don't know what when we visit the MD next week?  It's not really an issue right now, but later, when he's feeling better, we'd like to be sexually active again (of course with protection and all).  Any thoughts or experience with this issue?

[Theyer]

No one ,Evan a doc , can say at this point , the odds are reasonable if the ED. is due to symptoms , Many HIV blokes use testosterone supliments .

But one step. At  a time ,first step starting the. Drugs .

[mecch]

He has wood problems probably not "because of HIV" but because he is ill. 

Also emotional stress.  HIV is a scary thing and there is the infidelity thing too.  And its an STD.  All this is a boner killer.   He will probably get his mojo back when he is feeling healthy and also when he is undetectable and doesn't think of himself as a possible Typhoid Mary infecting you.

I don't see rush for you to get on PREP but that is just my personal opinion.  Condoms work.  And if you aren't having intercourse for a few months, where's the rush for this PREP protection?   

Please take a moment to clearly understand that he will need the time to get undetectable, AND then maybe a YEAR, or at least several undetectable viral loads, for your doctor to give the OK to have unprotected sex.  At that point, PREP might not even be necessary because the long undetectability is protective.  But again, these are my opinions. 

I personally feel that HIV NEGATIVE people should be consulting with HIV Doctors to get a prescription for PREP because I am not convinced that GPs have a comprehensive and neutral opinion on when it is called for and when it isn't.  Many GPs, sad to say, freak out a bit about HIV. My GPs when I was HIV negative, for many years, were often rather discouraging about my relationships and sex with HIV+ partners.

[terrymoore]

Hi,
Firstly i am sorry about your situation. It is a bummer - it is NOT the end of the world though. We are in similar circumstances. I am HIV+ and my wife is not. This is relatively new to us too. We were very lucky because we had sexual relations after i was infected (i hadn't known yet) and luckily she has not been infected. As soon as I found out (shortly after infection) i told her and we got her tested. Let me tell you, when i found out she was not infected it was the best news i had heard - i cried for my first time in years. I a sure your husband must have felt the same relief.
Ever since that day, she has been very supportive of me. In fact, i was surprised how strong she has been - i never knew her to be that way. Honestly, i don't know how i would manage without her.
It is very challenging for both of us - as i am sure it is for BOTH of you. I guess what i am trying to say is that, since it sounds that you still love him, I guess you need to decide if this is the person you want to grow old with, and if the answer is YES, then IMHO I think you need to be positive and focus on the immediate challenges like how to get him UD and improve his CD4 ASAP and how YOU can get some emotional support - perhaps support groups etc. Research and talking is important - it helps. And i agree with Mecch, i would recommend you speak with an HIV specialist - she was very informative for my wife and gave her many tips on what to worry about and what not to worry about.

Regarding sex - We have had intercourse ONCE in the past 4 months with a condom and it was only for a short while. Honestly, most times i start feeling guilty or am worried to put her at unnecessary risk (perceived, not actual), and then it becomes difficult to stay in the mood. Perhaps he is feeling the same things that i do - guilt, anxiety, fear and general loss of libido. It doesn't mean he loves you - it is just a hard time. We have taken a very cautious (perhaps over-cautious) approach. At first we abstained from  sexual relations for a few months. Then mutual touching - believe it or not, we wore surgical gloves as a precaution - probably unnecessary but it made her more conformable.
Regrading PreP - our doc said that as long as we are careful, then there is no need. Like i said, we take many precautions. Again, i would consult with an HIV specialist regarding that question.
Marriedgirl77, this period will test your marriage and your love for each other. Just know that you are not alone - there are others like you - and that you can have a somewhat "normal" life once you get this condition under control. You have a long life ahead of you and, like any marriage, there are challenges. We have been married for 19 years and then this thing came out of nowhere... but then we think how lucky we are compared to other couples that we've known over the years who have been dealt a worse hand - cancer, strokes, car accidents issues with their children etc etc. HIV is shocking at first, it is no joke, but, the more you learn you will see that it is manageable.
I wish you strength, health, happiness, patience and compassion. Good luck!

[terrymoore]

Hi,
Firstly i am sorry about your situation. It is a bummer - it is NOT the end of the world though. We are in similar circumstances. I am HIV+ and my wife is not. This is relatively new to us too. We were very lucky because we had sexual relations after i was infected (i hadn't known yet) and luckily she has not been infected. As soon as I found out (shortly after infection) i told her and we got her tested. Let me tell you, when i found out she was not infected it was the best news i had heard - i cried for my first time in years. I a sure your husband must have felt the same relief.
Ever since that day, she has been very supportive of me. In fact, i was surprised how strong she has been - i never knew her to be that way. Honestly, i don't know how i would manage without her.
It is very challenging for both of us - as i am sure it is for BOTH of you. I guess what i am trying to say is that, since it sounds that you still love him, I guess you need to decide if this is the person you want to grow old with, and if the answer is YES, then IMHO I think you need to be positive and focus on the immediate challenges like how to get him UD and improve his CD4 ASAP and how YOU can get some emotional support - perhaps support groups etc. Research and talking is important - it helps. And i agree with Mecch, i would recommend you speak with an HIV specialist - she was very informative for my wife and gave her many tips on what to worry about and what not to worry about.

Regarding sex - We have had intercourse ONCE in the past 4 months with a condom and it was only for a short while. Honestly, most times i start feeling guilty or am worried to put her at unnecessary risk (perceived, not actual), and then it becomes difficult to stay in the mood. Perhaps he is feeling the same things that i do - guilt, anxiety, fear and general loss of libido. It doesn't mean he loves you - it is just a hard time. We have taken a very cautious (perhaps over-cautious) approach. At first we abstained from  sexual relations for a few months. Then mutual touching - believe it or not, we wore surgical gloves as a precaution - probably unnecessary but it made her more conformable.
Regrading PreP - our doc said that as long as we are careful, then there is no need. Like i said, we take many precautions. Again, i would consult with an HIV specialist regarding that question.
Marriedgirl77, this period will test your marriage and your love for each other. Just know that you are not alone - there are others like you - and that you can have a somewhat "normal" life once you get this condition under control. You have a long life ahead of you and, like any marriage, there are challenges. We have been married for 19 years and then this thing came out of nowhere... but then we think how lucky we are compared to other couples that we've known over the years who have been dealt a worse hand - cancer, strokes, car accidents issues with their children etc etc. HIV is shocking at first, it is no joke, but, the more you learn you will see that it is manageable.
I wish you strength, health, happiness, patience and compassion. Good luck!