Should we Adopt? Is it fair?

[Iwillliveon]

Hello this is will,

My husband and I were in the process of adopting my niece's baby.  Too make a long story short I talked her out of aborting the child and told her we will raise the child as our own.  She is currently four month pregnant.  We are looking forward to being great parents.  With the news we received this week I'm not sure if it fair to raise a child in this situation.  We have planned this for years and feel we are ready to raise a healthy child.  I'm 46 and he's 53, we have loving home.   I have not told my family and I probably will at this time.  I don't want to hear any negative comments of what they think.  I know life will continue, the difference is, I'm HIV+.  As I continue to read post that our so inspirational  I know it is a chronic disease that needs attention.  We were married in Calif.  on November 03, 2008, the last day before prop 8 passed.  It was great day I only had my mom and my sister there for the celebration.  I'm in process changing medical plans.  I know I can't mention my status to the new plan or I may not be covered.  I know I'm rambling all over, not sure what to focus on.  Today is Sunday, my husband mentioned that on Saturday I was yelling in my sleep I have no idea what I was dreaming about.  I know it has to do with what I'm thinking.  I guess the botton line is should we continue our future with a child? 

Thanks Will

[mecch]

If any official medical document with your name on it and your HIV+ status, and a date, might find a way into an insurance company that you go with now - depending on the state - they can cancel your benefits and/or take away the policy.  If it was completely anonymous you might be able to pull it off with a subsequent official test but it better not be clear that you have been infected for years if that is the case.

Why don't you put your energy into founding your family and not worry so much for the moment about the HIV. Put the medical and treatment aspect of that in doctors hands and just live you life as planned.

However, if you have no health insurance, than I do think HIV could be especially worrisome and you might have to concentrate a lot of securing your future health.

That said, if your niece is counting on you, then just go through with the plan in any circumstances.  

[Inchlingblue]

Regarding the medical plans, is it through a group? Have you had uninterrupted coverage for a period of time? You cannot be denied coverage if you have had uninterrupted medical coverage for a period of time (I forget the period, I think it's 18 months).

What are the specifics of your insurance situation? If you can be more specific, you can be given the right advice. Merely changing plans is not necessarily a problem and you must not lie about anything because that can be a problem if they find out.

As far as adopting, there are many people who have HIV who are raising children. Just having HIV in an of itself should not be the deciding factor.

[Assurbanipal]

Hi Will

In the end, only you and your husband can answer that question. 


But...

Getting an HIV diagnosis is a major event, and it takes people a while to adjust.  And, of course, with all the mental baggage that surrounds the history of HIV and AIDS we all feel that time is short and we have to make major changes RIGHT NOW!




Things are different now. 

You've not even been diagnosed a week.  It's hard, but I'd encourage you not to make major changes in your life plans for the next few weeks.  Spend some time learning more about the disease and a lot more about your own current health and treatment options.   Find a knowledgeable doctor and talk to him/her.  Don't make irrevocable decisions while everything is still in a whirl...

Sincerely
A

[Miss Philicia]

Iwill, if you'd had any other medical diagnosis other than HIV would you be reconsidering adoption?  Adults with health issues adopt all of the time, as well as raise children of their own.

Otherwise, only you know yourself well enough to make the assessment of whether you are mentally capable of going ahead with this, but physically I see no reason not to.

[Iwillliveon]

I appreciate the advice guys.  I'm sure we will make the best decision.  I will not be able to see a doctor until March 11, 2010.  This is the time when the medical plans will be finalized.  I have a group plan through the county I work for.  I find this plan is better than Blue Shield HMO.  Today we are reviewing adoption paperwork and continuing to make the decision to bring a child in our life. 

Thanks Again,
Will

[GNYC09]

With all due respect, I personally think your HIV status to be less of something to worry about than the fact that you are adopting a baby when you are 46 and your husband is 53.  I agree with Miss P and others that being HIV+ doesn't mean you're physically unable to raise this child.  But keep in mind that you'll be 60 when your child is a feisty 14 year old.  But it definitely sounds like you and your husband have a loving home for this baby and could make great parents.  I wish you all the best 

[emeraldize]

I totally agree with GNYC09 and with all due respect, too.  Get educated, on all fronts you're unclear on and understand that a kid will totally run your ass off, run your life, but will also give you the most enlightenment you've ever had.  Know what your state's requirements will be for the adoption process. The cool part is the kid's not poz (I'm assuming), so it's not like you have to worry about that component, too,  on top of your health and adjusting to parenthood. Don't throw a baby out before you've had a chance to run the bathwater. Just get all the facts lined up. I wish you the very best and hope you can do it!!!!

YOU are one of the reasons the baby is due in four months. So whether you pursue its parenting or line the baby up with someone else, you've got a vested interest in this child's future.

[Miss Philicia]

I wasn't aware that our opinions on the proper age (if there is one) for child rearing were requested.

[emeraldize]

I think GNYC was simply noting the fact that 46 and a baby equals a 14 year old at age 60. It's easy to forget that in the early process and it is a very physically demanding job to be a parent, no matter the age of the child. The OP was pondering "is it fair" to adopt re: his new HIV dx and I think GNYC was suggesting he not let HIV be the only factor to consider. And that is fair, to one's self, one's partner and the child, to consider all aspects of parenting.

[Miss Philicia]

My best friend is 45 and had her first child two years ago.  She also owns two restaurants, one of which has only been open a year.  Admittedly she doesn't have HIV thrown in the mix, but even taking out one of her businesses to equalize for this she's doing just fine, and the child is well behaved.

I'm sure the OP and her husband fully considered their ages into the equation when initiating the discussion with her niece.  She also stated that her and her husband had planned this for years.  I'm confident that Iwill realizes that 46+14=60, just like if I decided to adopt a child I'd know that I'm doing it at the age of 45, much less that I don't possess a pair of breasts to produce milk.

The only thing that changed recently was an HIV diagnosis.  Unless they were diagnosed with AIDS as opposed to HIV I see no reason for them to change what they'd previously considered.

[emeraldize]

"I'm sure the OP and her husband fully considered their ages into the equation when initiating the discussion with her niece. "

Not that it makes any difference at all, but I think the OP is a thoughtful guy named Will. Maybe not. And, I trust the OP will understand what everyone has written.

[Miss Philicia]

"I'm sure the OP and her husband fully considered their ages into the equation when initiating the discussion with her niece. "

Not that it makes any difference at all, but I think the OP is a thoughtful guy named Will. Maybe not. And, I trust the OP will understand what everyone has written.

My husband and I were in the process of adopting my niece's baby.  

I assumed the use of "Will" as a name came from the screen name "Iwillliveon" or "I Will Live On" -- but if it's two men you're correct that it's irrelevant.

[emeraldize]

Dunno. So, hopefully Will will have the will to post again.

[Inchlingblue]

  We were married in Calif.  on November 03, 2008, the last day before prop 8 passed.  It was great day I only had my mom and my sister there for the celebration. 

I think it's safe to assume that Will and his partner/husband are both men.

[Ann]

I think it's safe to assume that Will and his partner/husband are both men.

Yes, otherwise the fact that they were married in California the day before prop 8 passed would be irrelevant.

Will, I see no reason why you shouldn't carry on with the adoption. As long as you can provide a loving home, nothing else matters. So what if you'll be 60 when the child is a teenager - you won't be the first sixty-year-old to raise a teen and you certainly won't be the last. And so what if you're hiv positive. I was diagnosed when my daughter was 13 and it's not made a bit of difference. No, actually, it probably made us closer. You'll do just fine as long as love is the main ingredient.

[Miss Philicia]

I think it's safe to assume that Will and his partner/husband are both men.

I missed the Prop 8 part -- thanks.

But like I attempted to state, we were only asked our advice on the adoption of a child when one parent has an HIV diagnosis.  The age, gender and sexuality here is irrelevant.

I think it's great what Will is doing and wish him and his partner the very best future with their new child.

[Iwillliveon]

As I read your replies, a tear falls.  I appreciate the advice.  All I can say is, Thank You.  I don't believe age matters when raising a child.  What's important is Love, Time, Consistency, Support and sometimes Silence of watching your child grow.

Thanks Again,
Will

[Ann]

and sometimes Silence of watching your child grow.

Oh man, you ain't kidding! If you already know in advance that sometimes you just gotta keep your trap shut, then you don't need our advice. Please do keep us posted. It will be lovely to hear about when you take your new child home.

Ann

[emeraldize]

heh heh yep and sometimes just a slice of silence for yourself! you'll appreciate those moments when you watch a favorite tv show, or do something with a friend, in ways you never thought possible.

I think it's quite clear from everything most of us have written, you should go and do---and be prepared to have one of the finest adventures in life---putting someone else's needs far ahead of yours and receiving the joy and education that brings.

I think this level of love is good for the immune system, but heck, they haven't done a study on it, so I can't cite anything. But, it is.

[Andy Velez]

It sounds to me as if the baby you are planning to adopt will be coming into a wonderful and loving home.

If you have any concerns about health insurance coverage I suggest you get in touch with an AIDS service organization for information and/or to be directed to a proper source of information.

Parenting is the most challenging and the most rewarding job. That little booger is going to be a lot of work but it's worth it. You two will support each other when you need it -- and you will need it.

Good luck to you.