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Author Topic: How important is sex in your relationship?  (Read 11620 times)

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Offline dgr20002

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How important is sex in your relationship?
« on: November 11, 2007, 06:39:54 pm »
Would you stay in a relationship if your partner either did not want or was not able to have as much sex as you want to have?

I ask because after 20 years of being poz I find that I could care less about sex. It just isn't important, I have no real desire and I really am wondering if there are others that are able to start or sustain a relationship that doesn't have a huge focus on sex.

As for me I am 46 yo gm. Before I found out I was poz in 1987 I was a walking hardon. After that something changed and honestly it has affected every relationship I have been in since. Now I shy away from getting to know someone because I feel I wont perform when the time comes and even if I do it wont last long. I really have no interest in seeing a therapist about it either.

What do you all think?

Thanks

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2007, 07:09:58 pm »
Well, as long as you don't want to see a therapist about it there's not much that I can say (except to ask why not?)

I guess you could look for someone who is equally as uninterested in sex as you are -- like a life partner who is really more like a roommate?

By the way, do you mind my asking if you masturbate on a regular basis?
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline weasel

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2007, 08:13:13 pm »
hullo ,
          I've been   POZ probably from my first sex incounter  ,somewhere around  1978 .
 I've been with my partner   28 years !

 I did not know I was POZ until  2005 . BUT i was monogamus ! 

 He was NOT  , and he is not POZ !

 at times it burns my ass  he would rather have sex in the dark with a ?????????????

He loves me , I often wish to have an affair , but it is not me .

 I love my partner and what I do not know or see , oh well !

 I am content  to have a snuggle bug at bed time !

he is caring , attentive. althou AIDS is not something we talk about .

He has  heart problems and could really  just cross over at any moment !

 Back to the question  , sex is NOT the most important thing !

I go for months with out a boner .

sad but true ! .

I thank GOD  everyday  for my loving partner !

he may be more  nuts than me , but my world revolves around him .

                                                               love better than sex ,   Karl
" Live and let Live "

Offline NewYorkKat

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2007, 08:38:53 pm »
Right now for me, sex is not important. When I was neg and practicing safe sex, the whole problem was the sex addiction. You can be HIV neg and pratice safe sex and there is nothing wrong with that but what happens (to me for instance) is that sex starting controlling my life. I was cruising all the time especially on the internet but I slipped and now....
So now my focus is my health and getting school done. I have learned that sex can be a beautiful thing. gay or straight but it can be addicting and dangerous if you are not looking!

So now I am on the same boat as you, sex is at lest important. Yes I JO and that is good enough for me ( I JO with a condom!)

Offline bocker3

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2007, 09:21:58 pm »
I guess you could look for someone who is equally as uninterested in sex as you are -- like a life partner who is really more like a roommate?

I think that this comment is a bit off the mark and doesn't really pinpoint what makes a good and lasting relationship - at least not in my opinion or my experience.
Sex has become much less frequent for my partner and I since I tested poz - it's been a couple of months right now.  My mind knows we can be safe, but it still weighs on my mind that I could infect him.  We are seeing a therapist about it though, and I have hope that this will pass.  (and yes, I masturbate just about daily)
Sex has never been the most important part of our relationship- even pre-poz, and I can say that after 17 yrs, if we never had sex again, Sid would not be like a roommate.  He is my life partner because of our love, not because of anything physical.  When we are apart, he is who I am thinking about and who I wish was seeing whatever I am seeing.  He is definitely my best friend, but he is more than that -- he really is a part of me.
So, to answer the question -- while sex is important, it is not the most important part of our relationship.  I think that it is very possible to have a fulfilling relationship without it -- provided, of course, that both partners are OK with this.

Mike

Offline DCGUY2007

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2007, 09:25:41 pm »
If I were in a relationship I would definitely stay if I loved the person. Sex is nice but there is so much more to a relationship

Offline Life

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2007, 10:13:29 pm »
I didnt committ to William because of what we do in the bedroom.   Its everything else we do together...

Eric

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2007, 10:48:35 pm »
( I JO with a condom!)


Excuse me?  Why on earth would you use a condom for masturbation?  Are you afraid that your infected jism will land on that Eileen Grey sofa?
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline milker

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2007, 10:54:55 pm »
( I JO with a condom!)
You mean you jerk off other guys with a condom? Or you j/o for your own pleasure with a condom?

Either way, jerking off is no risk, you can ditch the condom.

Milker
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
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mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
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Offline RapidRod

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2007, 06:14:10 am »
I'm not in a relationship and haven't been for years. Sex never was that big of deal to me. Don't get me wrong I like sex, but that is only a small part of a relationship.

Offline DanielMark

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #10 on: November 12, 2007, 08:35:04 am »
If for some reason a balance couldn’t be found, I would much rather have love without sex than sex without love.

Sex without love means nothing to me.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline jack

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2007, 09:01:55 am »
Sex? I'd rather play golf than have sex. Might make an exception for Selma Hayek. But if you gave me a choice between the Old Course and Selma, I'd take the Old Course all day long. Now if you gave me the choice between the Old Course and just spending a few hours with my wife, I'd choose the time with my wife and we wouldnt be having sex,we would just be having a great time together doing anything.

Offline Buckmark

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #12 on: November 12, 2007, 09:13:53 am »
Like Eric stated above, I don't think sex is the reason that 2 people commit to each other.  Still, while sex is not nearly the most important part of a relationship, it can certainly throw a terrible wrench in the relationship if one of the partners (or both) perceives problems with their "sexual relations", or finds sex is not fulfilling.  Sometime (not always by any means) it can be a sign of deeper problems in the relationship.  Either way, though, if sex was becoming a problem to me or my partner (that is, if I had a partner), I'd hope we could communicate and work out what the issues are -- just like any other problem that either of us deems important.  I certainly hope it doesn't have to be either / or.

Regards,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #13 on: November 12, 2007, 10:06:08 am »
Would you stay in a relationship if your partner either did not want or was not able to have as much sex as you want to have?

"was not able to" = okay

"did not want" = not okay

so no i might not stay. it depends

jmho

Offline LordBerners

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #14 on: November 12, 2007, 10:29:39 am »
I only just recently discovered my infection, and so far my sex drive is as strong as it ever was.  From the above posts poo-pooing sex I feel compelled to ask - is there something about hiv infection or the treatments which kill sex drive?  I'm hoping not...
Please, just call me Berners.. or Baron.

Offline beachmonkey24

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #15 on: November 12, 2007, 11:35:17 am »
Before I was diagnosed I was very sexually active and really enjoyed sex. Now I have no sex drive even for masturbation. Is it due to the virus, the depression, my change in body image, or something else? I don't know but it does bother me.

I have been in a relationship with my bf since December 2004. We never had a lot of sex but we had much more than we do more. I know it is not an indication of our affection for each other. I know that in my head but my heart is still worried that our relationship is suffering from a lack of sex. I blame my self even though i know his sex drive has also decreased.

I would love to get testosterone from my doctor but they never seem willing to do it and dismiss my concerns. I have used supplements like DHEA and GAMA but they don't really help the situation.
The time has come the walrus said to speak of many things. Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax of cabbages and kings.

Offline vokz

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #16 on: November 12, 2007, 12:02:52 pm »
I am far less driven by sex when I am in a relationship and can go for very long periods without it, provided there is still intimacy (and I don’t just mean physical intimacy).

If the intimacy goes – and I don’t understand why - so does my interest in the relationship.

On the other hand, I have never (with one possible exception) complained when I am with a highly sexed person ;)

I was the same before I added HIV to my baggage.

Offline NewYorkKat

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #17 on: November 12, 2007, 01:02:50 pm »
There is nothing wrong JO with a condom. I think that is a lot better than having unprotected sex(HELLO, THERE IS STILL NO CURE OR VACCINE FOR HIV!). Condoms are a way of life, like it or not. I had to learn the hard way and some of us still have not learned it yet. I think sex (or JO whatever is your preference) with a condom has a lot more benefits than the situation that we are in right now. I learned from my mistakes.

JO with a condom can be fun and it's not as messy. Yes I know I can't get hurt by it but I enjoy it.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #18 on: November 12, 2007, 01:10:29 pm »

I would love to get testosterone from my doctor but they never seem willing to do it and dismiss my concerns. I have used supplements like DHEA and GAMA but they don't really help the situation.

This seems quite unusual, and indeed unacceptable.  Are you testosterone levels showing below the normal levels?  If so it's quite typical to prescribe Androgel for this hormonal deficiency that is seen quite often in HIV patients.  I was on hormonal replacement therapy for a total of five years.  Low testosterone greatly contributes to depression -- meaning most likely part of your depression is in fact due to this physical deficiency, not the reverse.

If you're doctor is brushing aside your concerns I'd look into seeing another doctor.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #19 on: November 12, 2007, 01:13:20 pm »
There is nothing wrong JO with a condom. I think that is a lot better than having unprotected sex(HELLO, THERE IS STILL NO CURE OR VACCINE FOR HIV!). Condoms are a way of life, like it or not. I had to learn the hard way and some of us still have not learned it yet. I think sex (or JO whatever is your preference) with a condom has a lot more benefits than the situation that we are in right now. I learned from my mistakes.

JO with a condom can be fun and it's not as messy. Yes I know I can't get hurt by it but I enjoy it.

You mean to tell me that you are masturbating BY YOURSELF and using a condom?  For what purpose?  This makes no sense.

Even if you are mutually masturbating with another individual there is no need for a condom -- there is no semen being exchanged.  Geez... I'm sorry but this just makes NO sense at all.  It has NOTHING to do with a cure and/or vaccine in such a situation. 

Everything else you just wrote is a giant red herring.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Funkengruven

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #20 on: November 12, 2007, 03:04:01 pm »
I only just recently discovered my infection, and so far my sex drive is as strong as it ever was.  From the above posts poo-pooing sex I feel compelled to ask - is there something about hiv infection or the treatments which kill sex drive?  I'm hoping not...

My doctor told me that HIV can cause one's testosterone levels to drop with symptoms of low testosterone including lower sex drive (or complete lack there of), depression, fatigue and moodiness.  He added that he wants his patients to be absolutely sure before starting testosterone treatments because once you start, you can't stop.  When you start getting testosterone from an outside source, your body starts shutting down its natural production, and if you ever stopped testosterone treatments, the low sex drive, fatigue, etc. would be worse than before.

Offline aztecan

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #21 on: November 12, 2007, 04:07:35 pm »
Would you stay in a relationship if your partner either did not want or was not able to have as much sex as you want to have?

I ask because after 20 years of being poz I find that I could care less about sex. It just isn't important, I have no real desire and I really am wondering if there are others that are able to start or sustain a relationship that doesn't have a huge focus on sex.

As for me I am 46 yo gm. Before I found out I was poz in 1987 I was a walking hardon. After that something changed and honestly it has affected every relationship I have been in since. Now I shy away from getting to know someone because I feel I wont perform when the time comes and even if I do it wont last long. I really have no interest in seeing a therapist about it either.

What do you all think?

Thanks

What do I think? I think if you are happy as things stand, there is no problem. I used to be much more sexually active than I am now. That doesn't mean I don't think about it, but I don't act on it either.

Hey, if you're happy, why worry about it.

HUGS,

Mark

(Who is secretly having a torrid affair with our dear Roddles.)
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline NewYorkKat

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #22 on: November 12, 2007, 04:09:59 pm »
Yeah and why not? Come to think of it, masterbating with or without condoms by yourself is a hell of a lot safer method of getting off instead of unprotected sex! I learned from that the hard way. Besides even of you jo without protection, you can still carry other nasties on the hand like herpes or hpv. You don't where know where that cock has been and if you, being an immune suppressed person, can't afford to get another nasty infection. It's truth.
Viruses and bacteria can change and mutate! Heck they are living things and like all living things, they can adapt. MRSA is an example and that's a bacteria!

Anyways, just that we poz people need to be extra careful and aware of what is going on now. even more so! If we were, we would't be on this board or worried about our t-cells dropping or viral loads spiking.

Offline NewYorkKat

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #23 on: November 12, 2007, 04:12:09 pm »
What I meant was JO with a partner and touching his cock with your bare hand. not by yourself!

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #24 on: November 12, 2007, 04:22:13 pm »
Dear lord . . .

o.O

MtD

Offline Cliff

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #25 on: November 12, 2007, 04:47:23 pm »
It sounds like it is a problem and thus it (sex) is important, or else you wouldn't be having this conversation and your partner wouldn't be having sex with other people (with your implicit, if not acknowledge consent).  I think you guys should really discuss what you want out of the relationship and what each of you can provide.  For me, yes, sex is important.  That's not to say that it is the only thing, but it is an important part of a relationship.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #26 on: November 12, 2007, 04:51:49 pm »
Dear lord . . .

o.O

MtD

Baby Jesus needs a ciggie with that masturbation condom chat.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Carolann

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #27 on: November 13, 2007, 01:52:19 pm »
Not at all.  I am bitter, celibate, and angry.  And that is on a good day.

I do however enjoy an nice vodka martina.

Offline pozattitude

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #28 on: November 13, 2007, 02:17:21 pm »
sex is half of the relationship.  I'm a sexual being and without sex it is just a friendship.  I love my friends and would go to hell for them, but I want to have sex with my boyfriend/partner/husband, if there is no sex than there is no "marriage)

Rich
(who hasn't lost his MOJO yet   ;D )
POSITIVE PEDALERS... We are a group of people living with HIV/AIDS, eliminating stigma through our positive public example.

Offline dixieman

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #29 on: November 13, 2007, 02:27:28 pm »
Sex? I think everyone on this board has had sex... and I liked it... but, I was never what I would call a many partner whore... nothing wrong with that it just was not for me... I like one on one with only one... and yessie I am still a walking hard-on... so being single I take care of my ownbuisnees first thing in the morning and right after my prayers at night for a good nights sleep... I enjoy the simple pleasures of life... one day hopefully I will meet the right partner and if not... oh well I'm enjoying my life...sex for sex just does not cut it for me... intimacy... a connection does... its Great doing the NASTY with someone you love!

Offline thunter34

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #30 on: November 13, 2007, 02:42:47 pm »
so being single I take care of my ownbuisnees...right after my prayers at night for a good nights sleep


I love it.

From "Amen" to "Ah, men..."
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #31 on: November 13, 2007, 02:48:11 pm »
My last partner, the Nigerian, was like having a one-night-stand sleaze stud on full time monogamous duty.  It was rather amazing in that respect, and he looked like total prison trade with size 14 feet.

The kicker was that he could hold his own with me shopping at Harvey Nichols.  It was such a match made in heaven really... and he loved going out dancing too.

Too bad he was such a nasty old cow at times.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline 404error

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #32 on: November 13, 2007, 03:03:16 pm »
hahaha!   ....... relationship.

HAHAHA!!!   ........sex.


HAHAHAHAHAH!!!   ... both simultaneously since being diagnosed with HIV?!?!  Phew... hahahaha... that's good...
« Last Edit: November 13, 2007, 03:37:05 pm by UpAllNight »
A social critic who promotes equality...

Offline woodshere

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #33 on: November 13, 2007, 03:31:44 pm »
There is so much I want to say, just not sure where to start.  Cliff makes an excellent point.  And I agree completely with Rich.  As for me I was in a relationship for 5 1/2 years and the sex was, to put it nicely horrible.  He wanted sex all the time as did I, but what he wanted to do and what I wanted to do was nothing alike.  His idea of good sex was putting in a porn and each of us jacking our own dicks off, my idea of good sex was.....well let's just say a bit more adventuresome.  I stayed because I loved him and could jack off and fantasize about the type of sex I really wanted.  I am sure it put a strain on our relationship, but in the end it is not why the relationship ended.  After the relationship ended I went back to being a whore and now that I am poz I enjoy sex just as much and have just as much if not more than when I was poz.

As far as jacking someone's dick off with a condom to prevent disease.  If you are that worried about catching something, i would advise you basically never to leave your home and by all means never eat out!!!

And philly,  could you please, please write a book about your sexual adventures and partners.  I think most certainly would be erotic as well as entertaining because of your writing style.

Woods
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #34 on: November 13, 2007, 03:45:00 pm »
Been gone for a few days and now there is a sex thread.... ;)  I had gone 2 years w/o sex and that was because I was no longer in a relationship. But I still had my B.O.B and got off quite regularly. At the time, my thinking was well I am definitely being safe. Just recently, I have had sex with someone and must admit there is nothing like a good hard man, sorry to be crude but hey.... I am still being safe with this person but damn it seems like I am hornier than ever.

As for the guy jacking off w/ a condom, hey if he likes it then what is the problem? It may sound like a waste of a condom but if that is what he likes then why knock him for it. Whatever floats your boat, baby.....
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #35 on: November 13, 2007, 04:01:59 pm »

And philly,  could you please, please write a book about your sexual adventures and partners.  I think most certainly would be erotic as well as entertaining because of your writing style.

Woods

Actually the working title of my memoir is Legendary Behavior.  Aside from titillating sex stories it will also feature such feats such as baking feline tranquilizer in 7-11 microwaves on the way to the airport, etc.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline ademas

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #36 on: November 13, 2007, 04:43:10 pm »
It's the relationship part that I find less important.
I need sex--at least every now and then.
A life partner?  Not so much.

Offline thunter34

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #37 on: November 13, 2007, 04:50:28 pm »
Aside from titillating sex stories it will also feature such feats such as baking feline tranquilizer in 7-11 microwaves on the way to the airport, etc.


LIES.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Joe K

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #38 on: November 13, 2007, 05:14:48 pm »
Sex is just as important as other aspects of a relationship and for us it is an integral part of our relationship, because not only do we love each other, we also lust after each other both physically and mentally.  What I never understand however, is why what other people do enjoy or not, would have any bearing on how you would live your life.  I believe that if you are brutally honest with yourself you can find someone to share your life with, you just need some skill in identifying the deal breakers.  If you sweat the small stuff, are jealous, or not complete yourself, you should not expect to find happiness until you do a little more work on yourself.

Relationships are all about give and take and knowing when to stand your ground, or just sloughing it off.  If you know what you want, then you need to find a way to get it, sex included.  But what other people think about sex, really has no bearing on my relationship, nor should it on any other.

Offline Catman

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #39 on: November 13, 2007, 05:50:05 pm »
   For me, at least at this moment, sex IS still important in my relationship. I'd have to be sick or on my death bed to forget about sex. I've been in the same monogamous relationship for 13 years and though my partner CAN be without sex for months (if I let him) I cannot. I don't mean like everyday, but at least once a week. Work does consume most of our time anyways. I still get aroused when I'm hugged from behind and when he places his beard on my neck...I just can't control my sexual urge for him. Still, I would never end this relationship either because of impotence or lack of interest by his part. I love sex, but it is not more important than the love that I feel for him...sometimes I'd like MY sexual urges to wind down a little because (at 44) I'm still a terrible little devil when I want to get between his thighs!  ;D
Catman

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Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #40 on: November 13, 2007, 08:15:29 pm »

LIES.

Nope truth.  I even had a pyrex dish that broke inside of my Issey Miyake bag as proof.  My entourage knew how to carry during our South Beach forays.  I even had a personal dealer there :)  We'd rendez-vous across from Joe's Stone Crab for deliveries, and she turned me on to great places to score Cuban cock in the wild.  Plus she manned the VIP ropes at clubs, so I got comped (+ five!)
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline BT65

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #41 on: November 13, 2007, 08:25:53 pm »
I would love to sit down with you Philly and hear about your wild adventures!

Other than that, I wish I had to worry about sex.  It's all like a dream now.........
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline beachmonkey24

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Re: How important is sex in your relationship?
« Reply #42 on: November 14, 2007, 09:22:18 am »
sex is half of the relationship.  I'm a sexual being and without sex it is just a friendship.  I love my friends and would go to hell for them, but I want to have sex with my boyfriend/partner/husband, if there is no sex than there is no "marriage)

Rich
(who hasn't lost his MOJO yet   ;D )

You may think that this is true but think about it. If you were in a relationship and your husband was ill or in an accident and incapable of sex you would still be married. Love is rises above the physical, it is only in our mind that we attach the two. Sex is a physical expression of love...it is not love. If it was then I would have loved a lot of people.
The time has come the walrus said to speak of many things. Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax of cabbages and kings.

 


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