frustrated

[phillomena]

hello ladies,
was married last year after 4yrs of long distance relation. early this year came to visit my husband and this is when my nightmares started.( we tested together after meeting. he is negative and he said there is no problem in his own words everyone deserves a second chance.)
some few days after my coming, there was this strange calls. my dear husband was having multiple affairs. he was all over the internet searching for friendship or even more. he is into pornography. am crushed. tried to talk to him all he could say was some time he is so lonely and the profile meant nothing it was just for fun.
 of course don't believe it though  i love him
 don't know what else to do and don't have anyone to talk to.....................please ladies , someone talk to me

[Queen Tokelove]

Wow, I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated. Let me get this right, you guys were in a 4 yr ltr before you moved to where he is. Then got married, riight? Then found out that he was or is still seeing other women? And what does he mean exactly that everyone deserves a second chance? Was he saying that in regards to you testing poz or about the affairs?

As far as the internet, he was on other dating sites? Myspace? He should have told you about being on other sites as well as him seeing other women if that was what he was doing. And when he comitted to you, he should've deleted all those dating accounts. As far as the porno goes, I guess that depends on the person. I am pretty open minded about porno but if that is not your thing then I can understand your being upset.

You say you love him so maybe you guys can work this out?

[BT65]

Phillomena,

I'm so sorry this is happening.  What I suggest, if you want to save the relationship, is marriage counseling.  I truly believe, with the things that have happened after you two got married (you testing poz, his affairs), that a good marriage counselor is truly needed to help you all sort things out, work things through, and keep going.  Of course, this is if you still want to stay together.  And I would put it that way to him, tell him about the marriage counseling, and insist on it.  If he doesn't want to do it, then I would say that speaks to how much the marriage really means to him. 

Betty

[phillomena]

thank you queen, concerning the second chance he meant when i tested positive that he wont break up with me because of the virus and yes was dating him for four year we married last year and this year is when came to visit him in his country that's when found out.
      well.  want to work things out things with him but am afraid he will do it again when leave( am going back to my country middle of this month).
       ill ask him if we should see a counsellor before i leave. once again thank you all ladies

[TabooPrincess]

This is a sad story :-( what country are you both in?  My partner did similar to me - I found out he'd been sleeping around and lying about everything (including that he was pos and so he knowingly infected me).  We're still together now and we've managed to find a way through it all.  I wouldn't say it was easy but we're getting there.  I hope you'll find some peace and some answers.  You deserve the best....we all do.

[silently breaking down]

If your husband really loves you and wants to fix your marriage he needs to get rid of all his profiles on all dating sites, change his email so ppl from dating sites contact him, and be faithful to you.  Not to be harsh, but why did he married you if he is going to cheat on you with multiple partners? He should had stay alone if he wanted more than one woman.  I feel he is messing with your emotions and taking advantage of you like if its ok to do you wrong because you are still there for him. You need to be strong for yourself, and respect yourself more than you do. Have to give him boundaries not to cross or there be consequences and stick to it.  I had a 7 year relationship and in 2007 I finally said enough is enough and I put my foot down, and hes gone. Yes it is hard, and it hurts a lot but deep down I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I'm like if a partner of someone you in a relationship with doesnt give me respect I deserve, I do not get into it, leave it alone because if I don't protect myself no one will. So with you, you have to protect yourself.  Imagine giving your love and energy to someone that keeps hurting you in so disrespectful ways, you forgive, and then he still acts up or finds a better way to do his mess.  You the one who end up hurt, and emotionally and mentally depress and it can take a pull on your body and health.  I hope things turns out better for you if you stay in the marriage, but be strong and defend your rights as his wife and for yourself. 

[netta]

I agree, you need to put your foot down.I am sorry his happened to you, but now you must decide what is best for you. I understand if you want to stay together and work things out, good luck. I was in long distance relationship and he moved  here,we got married, only 1 year later going through a divorce.Its  hard I know wanting someone in your life to love you, despite having this virus. .I am so happy now, because life goes on. I learned a lot I didn't know about him. I was also married 10 years ago to a man I was deeply in love with, he was not poz but excepted me as I was and I thought this was it! only to go through 7 years of heartache, finally free from him. He cheated the whole time!
Just Remember you deserve the best. You can always start over. You can live a long healthy life.
BTW do you know for sure his hiv status??? and what made you gey tested together??? just curious.
Blessings and prayers to you.

[Queen Tokelove]

I assume that you guys have spoken about this situation, do you feel he has taken what you said seriously? Everyone has given good advice but only you know the details, we're going by what you are telling us. And is this a long distance marriage? Or are you just finalizing things there so you can move with him?

Bottomline, liike someone else mentioned, if he wants to stay married to you, he needs to drop all the dating sites. And he needs to drop whatever affairs he may have had going on. He should realize that you no longer trust him due to these things. Wishing you the best, I really am.