Disclosure after sex

[joel89]

Hi All,
Would first just like to say thanks for providing such an excellent support resource, it has been a godsend for people like me who felt pretty isolated at time of diagnosis. Three years on I have mostly moved past it and life is actually going pretty well, of course like everyone else we have our days but I am lucky enough to have great doctors and wonderful friends around me. Gonna go on a bit of a tangent here so feel free to stop reading because this is a bit of a silly dilemma.

I think like most of us the greatest issue to grapple with is the stigma rather than the medical implications. My situation was particularly toxic, as I caught it off my then girlfriend – the relationship unsurprisingly turned into quite the shitshow of codependency until I finally put my foot down and said I was leaving. This girl suffered from all sorts of anxieties and insecurities, despite the fact that I made sure she never felt guilty about transmission. She began to threaten me, many of which involved disclosing my status to my family, colleagues and friends – this was of course deeply damaging and depressing having gone through the diagnosis with that person. It all ended somewhat messily but am back on my feet now – I certainly am left with a somewhat irrational mistrust of people and am less open than before, things which I am trying to work through.

So my issue is this – a few weeks ago I met a girl and we fell for each other hard and fast, in a way that I haven’t really experienced before. I was so terrified of screwing things up, and things happened so quick that we progressed to the physical stage without me disclosing (I am UD and we use protection). I understand that is not really an excuse and I feel quite guilty about it, I also worry she will think I am dishonest and struggle to trust me in future. We have slept together quite a few times, and I am currently out the country for ten days so I finally have time to think. I know I should disclose to her, I am serious about her in the long tem, but I have so much anxiety about all that could go wrong – the facts are as follows

1) She is an extremely kind person who seems to be very accepting of others and their faults, she doesn’t seem to hold grudges even against people who wronged her pretty badly
2) I’m pretty sure she is somewhat informed about the condition due to her background
3) We have a lot of mutual friends, I would be less concerned if we didn’t.
My other option is to call things off, which is silly given our chemistry and her likely understanding. I guess what I’m looking for is a little reassurance, through shared experience etc of disclosure particularly after the ‘deed’ was done. Feel free to be brutally honest and tell me if you think I have screwed up her trust and its not worth going after.
Hugs,
Joel

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Welcome to the forum.

Right, so I will spare you the preach running through my head about not disclosing sooner.

I would sit her down and be honest with her, and face the consequences. 
If you want a long term relationship its not going to work if you don't disclose and best to do it now rather than later.

If she ends the relationship because of it, so be it.

Jim

[zach]

I will preach, just a little... not because I agree with the law, but to make you aware.

You've just admitted to Nondisclosure, that is a crime in all 50 states to some degree. There are states that are extremely draconian in their prosecution. There are people recently sentenced to lengthy jail terms for exactly what you just did. Undetectable, protection used, no transmission, but no disclosure. And still found guilty, sentenced, jailed, and a lifetime on the sex offenders registry.

It is terrifying.

[joel89]

Thanks all, I totally understand where you are all coming form and I am glad you can be frank with me. The US does indeed have strange laws, I actually live in Germany - where it is up to the individual to protect themselves.
Regardless of any legal implication as a moral issue it is important - I guess I was overwhelmed and simply need to man up.

[zach]

I actually live in Germany - where it is up to the individual to protect themselves.

a far more enlightened approach, if your culture reflects your laws i think you're on much better ground.

if you want the relationship to continue, i agree with you, there is a moral imperative argument to be made.

good luck, hope all is well

[CaveyUK]

Hey there.

Obviously disclosure now is key and perhaps how you approach that will be the important factor in how 'successful' or not it is. We can't provide a specific failsafe strategy on that bit, as much will depend on your partner - their views, prejudices and clearly how 'into' you they are.

The chips will fall as they may.

If it were me, I'd probably provide her an easy 'out' should she wish to take it but try and find a time where she is a captive audience for long enough for me to at least educate about the 'condition' you have, the outlook and the zero-transmission risk. I'd probably assume it's over, and let her surprise me with her actions beyond that rather than pitch it as something she should take in her stride. Thats just me though and as I say, everyone is different.

You may be surprised though. I was with my GF when I was diagnosed and she has been great. Even though we had very risky unprotected sex in the lead up to the test, when I was starting to become convinced I had this. She is an absolute rock in how I have been able to deal with everything. So it's possible - even common - to have partnerships between HIV+ and HIV- people.

Best of luck however it goes, and you know we are all here for you...

[terrymoore]

Hi,
You may want to "ease" into it slowly, step by step. Perhaps, send her an interesting article you recently came across "by chance", or watch a news report (i recently watched a show in HBO by VICE which was a report on HIV - very optimistic and uplifting).
In any case, it is clear to me that you must disclose, and hope for the best. I wish you good luck!