POZ Community Forums

HIV Prevention and Testing => Do I Have HIV? => Topic started by: maddeuwch on June 13, 2006, 06:38:40 am

Title: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 13, 2006, 06:38:40 am
ARMPIT RASH PANIC[link no longer available]

Christ!!!!...I just copied and pasted for the first time....Cheers Ann. :)
...

It's because I have no social support....I'll lose my job/my house and I'll have nobody to turn to and nowhere to go.

Sounds pathetic and sad,but I'm completely alone!
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Ann on June 13, 2006, 07:08:39 am
Maddeuwich,

Are you seriously telling me that it's nine months later and you still haven't tested? What are you waiting for?

I've had a look through your old thread and I can't see where you ever said if you were top or bottom. If you were top, the odds are significantly in your favour of testing negative. Even if you were bottom, the odds are still in  your favour from a one-time incident.

You need to test and get it over with. Either way you need to know. If by chance you have become infected, it's not going to go away just because you haven't tested. And if you are negative, which you most likely are, then you're wasting your life worrying about something you don't have.

Don't wait until you're no longer scared to test, just go get it done!

Ann
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Ann on June 13, 2006, 07:15:08 am
Madd,

Another thing... You're in the UK, right? I don't understand why you think a positive result will lose you your job and home. We are now protected from the point of diagnosis. It used to be that the Disabilities Act only protected you from the point of an aids diagnosis onward, but now it is from the point of testing positive for hiv.

If I can cope with a positive diagnosis here on the Rock, you can cope with it in the UK. (Wales, wasn't it?) No matter how you look at it, you've got SO much more to gain than lose by knowing your hiv status. And like I said, your chances of testing negative are very good. Stop torturing yourself with this and get tested. NOW.

Ann
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 13, 2006, 07:25:34 am
Ummmm...yeah....errr...nine months...Hmmmmm....heh heh!

Because if I bury my head in the sand it means I get to keep my job/home etc etc.

I *know* it sounds stupid,but I really don't have anyone to turn to....

Oh...I  was both top and bottom...(hate to miss out on 50% of the action)...and the sex was very extreme.

Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Ann on June 13, 2006, 07:39:08 am
Madd,

I still don't understand why you think you would lose your home and job if you test positive. You do have rights. You can also test anonymously so no one but you and your doctor would know anyway.

Test. NOW.

Look at it this way. If by chance you are positive and you don't find out until you're very ill, then not only would you lose your job - simply by being to ill to work - you just might lose your life as well. Hiv infection, when caught in the early stages, can be very well managed for many, many years and you can carry on living the same life you do now.

But this discussion is purely academic at this point anyway. Chances are good that you are hiv negative and you're putting yourself through all this for absolutely no good reason.

Test. NOW. Get off the internet and ring your local GUM clinic. Make an appointment. NOW. No excuses, just DO IT.

Ann
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Matty the Damned on June 13, 2006, 08:19:51 am
Madd,

As Goderator Ann has pointed out:

YOU NEED TO TEST AND TEST NOW.

This is serious stuff. You won't lose your home or your job, but if you are HIV positive and you continue to fanny about you'll lose your life. I remember your armpit thread from the Old Forums. I'm sure that Bucko (Brent) would give you the same advice that Ann and I are giving you now.

Test today. You owe it to yourself.

MtD
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 13, 2006, 09:48:04 am
I know what you are both saying,but you've got to understand where I live.It's the tiniest most remote village of 300 in the highlands of Scotland.There are NO GUM clinics/there is NO public transport/the atittudes of people here towards HIV is prehistoric...(one girl I know scrubbed her house after finding out that someone with hep B had sat there)/my house is a private rent and my landlord has reservations about a homo living there anyway/the nearest hospital/social support is two and a half hours away.I just can't get there because of the transport situation.

My family live hundreds of miles away in a remote part of North Wales and I very much doubt they'd be supportive (the shame would be too much for them) so I CANNOT go home.I'm very reserved by nature and therefore do not have friends/aquaintances that I could confide in.I've completely cut myself off from everyone and I know there is no one to blame but myself.

If I am HIV+ how much time off work initially might I have to take considering the side effects of drugs/stress etc etc....my job is only on temporary contract anyway so that would be the end of that.

When I say that I'd lose my job/home,and that I've got nowhere to go I'm not exaggerating...it's just the simple truth.

When I read through the post again I know I'll come across as being selfish and full of self-pity and there are others in worse situations,but I'm having a panicked few days because I'm got chronic diahrroea and things are getting on top of me again.

Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 13, 2006, 09:53:10 am
What I really want to ask for is advice about what to do if I am HIV+....Some practical things like are there hostels/support people etc etc that I could contact.
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Ann on June 13, 2006, 09:58:16 am
Madd,

What did I say to you about no excuses? You are putting a very big cart in front of a very small horse. For a start, as I keep telling you, you have a very good chance of testing negative.

If you are newly infected, you won't need meds for years and you won't need time off work. Once again, you don't have to tell anyone if you are indeed positive. How on earth would your landlord find out unless you told him?

And as for the nearest GUM being so far away, you can still get to it. Where there's a will, there's a way. I have to get on a plane and fly to Liverpool to take care of my hiv health care needs. If I can do that once every six to twelve weeks, you can do it this once.

None of your excuses wash with me. Get tested. That's the bottom line.  If you refuse to test, then I can't see how there is anything more we can do for you here.

Ann

PS... I see you have posted while I was writing my reply to you. Stop this right now. There is no point in wanting to know what to do IF you test positive. You'll just have to test and cross that bridge IF and when you come to it. There's no point in discussing ANY of this until you test.

GO TEST. NOW. Get on the phone and make an appointment, then make your travel arrangements. NOW.
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 13, 2006, 10:03:14 am
Won't need meds for years????...OH...I thought I'd need them straight away!

I'll get tested then.
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: scotslassie on June 13, 2006, 12:04:13 pm
If you really were positive, and you live so far away from anywhere, you could move closer to a city like dundee or aberdeen which have very good facilities. Even Inverness does too

This is not the issue here I think- I think the real issue is you are worried about what other people MIGHT think, Im saying big might because it is

The issue is you wont get tested- and as people say, you are predicting you have it when the odds are stacked in your favour

Get to a nearby hospital, or gp, get the test and cross that bridge if and when you need to

Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 13, 2006, 12:56:21 pm
True Scotslassie....very true,but the other reasons are a big concern too for me.

But,as Ann said,I wouldn't need medication for a long time,so I could carry on as normal and would have plenty of time to make plans about what to do if it came to it.

I thought everyone went on meds as soon as they were diagnosed.

Thanks for the post.

 
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Ann on June 13, 2006, 01:08:34 pm
Madd,

In the UK, people are not normally put on the meds until their CD4 count is near the 250 mark. This normally takes several years at the very least.

Occasionally, some doctors in the UK will put someone on the meds if they are diagnosed at seroconversion but this is an experimental approach and not widely practiced in the UK. The idea behind this approach is that a person can go off the meds after a year, but as I say it is still considered to be an experimental approach and not widely practiced in the UK. You missed the boat on that anyway because you've left it so long to test.

You will have loads of time to make plans and adjust... IF you test positive. A positive result is by no means a certainty for you - despite what you may feel about it. It's far more likely for you to test negative after a one time event - you don't even know if the guy is positive or not and just because he's a gay man doesn't mean he's positive.

Ann
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 13, 2006, 01:20:36 pm
It's my nature to worry...always has been :)

But after your verbal equivalent of a sound arse kicking I might see sense about testing :D :D :D :-*
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Matty the Damned on June 13, 2006, 06:48:22 pm
Madd,

I appreciate that you live in a small community remote Scotland can make these situations more tricky. HIV, on the other hand does not. If you've been infected (like Ann says, that's IF) you need to know, irrespective of what the pitch-fork wielding villagers might think.

Who's to say that they'll find out you've tested? Who's to say that they'd care? I've been surprised by how people in small, remote communities react to things. It's often not what one expects. Believe me, I know about small, isolated communities.

Get tested.

MtD
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Bucko on June 13, 2006, 10:01:03 pm
Maddy, baby!

I'm glad to have the chance to communicate with you again even if the circumstances are so unsatisfactory.

The first step to moving on from this powerful inertia that has gripped your life is to get tested. You know that I understand all the particulars of your fears. I think that you understand that I, myself was in a very similar situation for many many years myself. You see, even though I was a volunteer peer-educator and AIDS activist, even though I supported and stood by scores of friends in their dark hours, even though I was a f*cking AIDS widow, for crissakes, I refused to get tested, fearing the worst.

By the time I did test, things were pretty bleak. Earlier diagnosis would have prevented untold difficulties and years of playing catch-up.

But it's been almost ten years now, and I gotta tell you, life has, in many ways, never been better. Knowledge is power, my friend. Empower yourself, overcome the inertia, get tested.

Love,
Brent
(Who believes with all his heart that Maddy will test negative, too)
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 23, 2006, 07:49:30 am
I've tested today.

The doctor said that if I'm positive I could live 15/20 years!!!!...She looked so pleased with that remark that I couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm,and I smiled all the way home. :)

I'll know next week.
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Matty the Damned on June 23, 2006, 07:51:42 am
Good for you kid! You're not the Only Gay in the Village! ;)

MtD
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Ann on June 23, 2006, 08:25:03 am
Madd,

Thank goodness for that. Let us know when you get those results.

And that doc was a bit cautious - 15/20 years is a conservative estimate nowdays. I've been positive for nine years and I'm fine, no meds yet either. Don't get rid of the pension plan!

But forget that anyway. Let us know when you get your negative result. ;)

Ann

PS... Matty, you don't watch that program, do you? ~shudder~
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Matty the Damned on June 23, 2006, 08:47:23 am
PS... Matty, you don't watch that program, do you? ~shudder~

I'll have a Coke and Bacardi Myfwany. ;)

MtD
(Who has long been the ONLY gay in the Village)
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 23, 2006, 08:58:32 am
HA!...2 of my first cousins are called Myfanwy...how funny do you think they still find it? ;D
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Matty the Damned on June 23, 2006, 09:01:00 am
Obviously not as funny as we find this thread.

MtD
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 26, 2006, 08:47:21 am
I've had chronic diarrhoea (and nausea) for over two weeks......it's 5/6 times a day now,and it's torrential (i can't think of a better or more appropriate word).

I've sent a sample over a week ago and am waiting a phone call from the doctor for this test and my hiv/other blood tests,but there is no word yet.

My hiv risk was about nine months ago.....is it possible that it's connected...could it come to this so soon?

I'm panicking like hell because I haven't heard back yet.

*calm* *breathe deep* *inhale/exhale slowly*

Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: frenchpat on June 26, 2006, 09:19:50 am
Hi Matt,

panic is indeed your worse enemy. DO breathe and try to relax. You haven't had your results and there is a fair chance that you are not positive, so try not to panic and keep things in perspective.

I think I know what you are going through because of what I felt after I was diagnosed positive: utter panic.  And panic can make you body react in very weird ways: I had sleepless nights, lost 5 kilos in two weeks, which led me to believe that this was it, aids kicking in, which in turn led to more panic. I had no one to confide in which made things worse. I experienced regular hot flushes and sweats, felt I had fever but would check and find that my temperature was normal. Granted, I was positive but all this trouble was my head playing tricks. This was 4 years ago and  I have found way to deal with fear.

I suppose we all have fears related to being poz and that's normal. But be aware that panic does affect your body, in fact it could harm it if extreme. Keep posting if it makes you feel better, find someone you can talk to about your fears, not only about hiv, and keep your head up.

best wishes,

Pat
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: frenchpat on June 26, 2006, 09:21:40 am
and sorry for calling you Matt...  ::)
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Ann on June 26, 2006, 09:30:48 am
Madd,

It sounds like anxiety to me. When we are fearful and anxious about something, our bodies go into what is known as the fight or flight response. This is designed to help us get away from or fight against a threat to our wellbeing. When we are anxious and fearful about something, this response doesn't get turned off as easily as it is turned on and it becomes chronic. One of the things that happens is that blood is diverted away from our digestive system and the body also attempts to clean the system out, because the process of digestion takes energy away from dealing with the threat at hand. This is why we get nausea and diarrhea when we're stressed. It's the body trying to stop us from having to digest food and waste energy.

I'm glad you're also checking out the possibility of an intestinal bug, but my guess is that you are simply stressing over your result.

Hang in there Madd, you should get those results soon. You might want to give them a ring and see what's holding them up. Sometimes they forget to make phone calls, just like the rest of us.

Ann

edited because I twice made the typo of saying treat instead of threat! oops!
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 26, 2006, 09:31:46 am
cheers Beryl....

It's the waiting that's bad...I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't have to hotfoot to the bog to get rid of what feels like the Niagara Falls every hour.This is what's making me panic.

Also reading the lessons etc just so I have some idea what to do in case it comes to it....why the hell did I have to read the 'diarrhoea' section!

Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 26, 2006, 09:32:47 am
Sorry for calling you Beryl ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 26, 2006, 09:47:43 am
I'll give it until tomorrow for the 'bug' test...I've told her to phone me about the hiv no matter what the result is.

All this water diarrhoea is ridiculous though....it's bloody unnatural >:(
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: scotslassie on June 26, 2006, 10:56:42 am
get imodium

It always works

Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: maddeuwch on June 26, 2006, 11:57:26 am
Tried Imodium.....twice!

no change.

is 9 months after an hiv risk too soon to get diarrhoea this bad?

I'm obssessing again aren't I!
Title: Re: The reson why I'm scared to find out my HIV status.
Post by: Ann on June 26, 2006, 12:07:56 pm
Madd,

Yes, please do stop obsessing. The more you worry about this, the more likely your diarrhea will continue.

Hang in there.

Ann