disclosing advice

[newbie2016]

I really want to ask you all how you found disclosing to a potential partner, a friend suggested over coffee, i think no way..
I am interested in someone i knew before my diagnoses, hes lovely but here we go the privacy risk, the anxieties of it all...

[nemra]

Hi Newbie2016,

I am not personally experienced in disclosing to a (potential) partner since I have been diagnosed only for several months and I am in a relationship with a person who I unknowingly have infected prior to diagnosis, so take my advise with skepticism. But...

I think it doesn't really matter whether you do it over coffee or when and where. My personal way to go would be to just tell the person to hear me out without interrupting till the end, then say directly that I have HIV and then explain everything that implies for the partner, and then suffer the consequences.  I mean, if s/he's gonna freak out, s/he's gonna freak out, and it doesn't really matter how you tell the person. If they are willing to listen, they'll listen.

Anyway, I wish you good luck with disclosing and do tell us how it went.

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Disclosure and timing is very personal and so i expect its going to be vastly different from person to person.

Once you disclose just be aware that people may have questions, so know your stuff and keep in mind that you can only control the message to help setup the conversation, how someone reacts, and what they do with that knowledge, is ultimately not within your control so don't stress about it.

In general disclosing does not bother me, I just go with something like:
 "BTW I'm very healthy however so you know I do have to take daily tablets for a very manageable condition, I am living with HIV. "

Or if its someone who cares about me than I tend to go with the alternative:
" Wanted to tell you something you may not know, I am fine and have a full life ahead of me, however I have a very manageable medical condition that means i have to take daily medication, see I am living with HIV. "

Whatever happens If you are going to disclose, decide beforehand how and what message you want to deliver don't just blurt it out. Be ready for the fact who ever you have told will have questions and than they will have follow-up questions that they might not ask at first.

I know poz.com have a lesson on this topic that includes sections with tips about disclosing to potential dates or family and friends that might be useful https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/disclosure

I know some people try it this way, never been fond of it but you could also try introducing the topic in a stealth manner for example mentioning a news topic you recently saw about HIV or program on TV etc etc, the point is you can see how they respond, if its really negative you can move on and no need to waste any time with this person. 

Jim

[mecch]

Over coffee seems like a fine and appropriate setting. Why do you say no way?  What is the setting that you think is best for this person?

[newbie2016]

Thanks for the advice, the disclosing seems simpler just reading your advice and thoughts
I am open to questions after disclosing,to talk about hiv.
As for disclosing over a coffee, i imagine talking and being overheard, or of their response.

[Jim Allen]

Look I last night even I was talking about HIV in the apache pizza down the road  whilst waiting for my takeout. Anyhow I have talked about it on bus, in the coffee places, in the train.

Nobody cares.

Look if you are concerned than be practical pick a quite corner, a bad coffee place that is not busy and don't shout.

Jim

[harleymc]

I go with a simple message "I am the person your mother warned you about".

But seriously someone overhears, so what exactly?

[newbie2016]

children and you live in a small city ,i guard my privacy because of th

[Jim Allen]

Look simply don't go into graphic detail of how you got HIV. That's the children part sorted.

Jim