Did anyone else feel like a zombie?

[pozirishbttm]

I literally haven't been able to function right since I've found out. Just constantly thinking about it, what happens next, how am I going to live with it, how am I going to tell loved one, etc etc.

I was going to tell my family at the weekend but I couldn't bring myself around to doing it. They all were to jovial and I couldn't bring myself to destroy that. I went out with friends. I couldn't enjoy myself. felt like the world was going double time and I was just an observer. My friends all noticed even though I tried to dance and laugh and sing to hide it. I got pulled away from everyone by one of my friends to say if I need to talk, she was there for me, and I just broke down. l told her and now I have someone to come to my appointment on Thursday with me. I have no choice she said she won't let me go alone. I feel a little relieved, but still anxious that she or might slip up.

I have so many questions and no idea where to begin asking them. I still don't know how this happened. I've thought it through over and over and over again. The only ways I think it could of happened is that a condom broke and I wasn't told or a bit of pre-cum transferred. My whole perception of people has changed. I don't feel I can trust anyone anymore. I have no idea how long I've had it. My weight always fluctuates but nothing extraordinary that I would of noticed to cause worry and I always have had muscle / joint pain because its hereditary so I didn't notice anything there.

On top of this now I'm freaking out that through some freak chance I've passed it on to my parents. I know it's virtually impossible but they've been on / off not well for the past few weeks and since I've been diagnosed it all that I can think. I'm sure I'm just overthinking it but I honestly can't cope with the thought that I was the 1 in a (what-ever-ridiculous-amount) that passed HIV on in a freak accident.

I want to run away to some desert island where no one will find me and only have my meds (whenever I get put on them) shipped to me.

[Wade]

Hi Pozirish,
Welcome to the forums , sorry for your recent diagnosis .
You will find many kind and compassionate people here, also
lots of helpful information. Sorry your having a tough time,
but things will get better. Its really good you have a friend to confide in to help you through this. AND ....you have NOT infected your parents , so get that idea right out of your head.

Tell us a little about yourself .
Wade

[Joe K]

Hey PozIrish,

What you are feeling is perfectly normal, as becoming poz is one of the greatest challenges we will ever face.  Having said that, I can tell you that it will get better, it just takes some time.  For now, please give yourself permission to feel, whatever it is you feel, without the need to do anything about anything.  You need some time to process what you feel and again, it's all perfectly normal.

Please take care of yourself and that means your body, mind and spirit.  You have done nothing wrong and though it doesn't feel like it right now, you are still the same person that you were prior to becoming poz.  We have all been where you are and we will be here when you need someone to talk to, so feel free to ask questions or simply vent, as we do understand what is involved in adjusting to being poz.

For now, please believe that you can live a long and fulfilling life and that you will adjust to being poz.  Nobody can tell you how your journey with HIV will unfold, however, we will be there with you, in whatever capacity you need us to be.

Welcome to the forums.

Joe

[PittGurl]

hey pozirishbttm - i am where you are - matter of fact i just posted something just like what you wrote - total denial and angry and dont want this to be.    I too want to run away and hide (but i have kids that will find me LOL)  I want to turn around and click my heels and this be a bad dream. I feel like everything in the core of me was just yanked out and will never be again. I feel like someone stole my life and my chance to ever love someone or be intimate without huge fears of infecting them or getting something else on top of this.  I fear the chance now of being more prone to the OI's and i have huge amounts of anxiety. i look at my friends at get together's and watch them enjoying themselves and having fun and no cares....and here i am feeling like im dying slowly inside.

BUT all in all.....i come here and I am understood and people care and reach out and calm my fears. its the only place so far that I can be me with this virus and theres always someone that has been there or cares enough not just to read and move on....but to write and share and have sympathy and empathy. Keep leaning on us here and we will all try to get through this together. its the only way i have found so far to cope.  you are in my thoughts and prayers....

[CD4_800]

I feel exactly the same way ....I've decided not to tell my parents just yet I have however told my Brother and 2 other people who are very close and important to me. I have a pretty active youtube channel and I was in just a funk after I got the news I just had no desire to make any new vids but a few friends and fans of my channel encouraged me to get back on it and I did and I'm glad I did. Finding this community has helped me a lot and the last 2 videos I made helped re-ignite my sense of humor.

Anyhow I just wanted to say that I feel the same way and y'all are not alone 

[ChrisnTX]

Howdy pozirishbttm,  I was just diagnosed recently as well, at the beginning of July.  I can hardly remember that week after I heard the words "I'm sorry but you had a positive result".   It was all I could think about for weeks.  I was worried about everything and it consumed me.  I couldn't go out in public without thinking everyone was watching me and it literally made me sick thinking about it. Initially I had no one to talk to and while I needed to talk I was scared what they would think.

Every person is different but you will get through it. Take it slow, don't beat yourself up.  Find a doctor that you are comfortable with and ask them lots of questions. Its great that you have a friend to talk with and give you  some support.  Tell people at your own pace and don't be rushed.

A few weeks ago I decided that I would consciously trying and not to think about it just for one day. I stopped Googling,reading about HIV and when my mind stated to wander that path I thought about work or got up and started walking, anything to keep me occupied. 

I find myself thinking less and less about it as the days pass.  I've realized that its not the end of the world. You'll get there.   

[Tonny2]

       ojo       Hello pozirish...welcome...all I can tell you, without haven't read the previous replies, is, that you will be fine, just take it easy, see your doctor, he will let you know what is next...yourr family and friends are going to be fine, you will not give it to them...keep  us posted, good luck, if telling you that I've been living with hiv/aids for twenty one years helps youso be it...hugs                               ojo