HIV Prevention and Testing > Do I Have HIV?

Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!

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j_friend:
Hello, my friend - it's been a while since I posted. I tried to PM you, but couldn't, so I wrote to your myspace.  I hope you get this message. :)

j

j_friend:
Hi folks.  This is quite difficult to reveal, simply because I've been scared to death a few times before, and convinced I had HIV ... and yet, here I am again - in another situation - and this time, I'm scared my number may be up.  I can't even go to any friends, for I know I'll here the immortal line, "My gosh - WHY in the HELL haven't you learned?  What is wrong with you?"

I met a t-girl online about 12 days ago. I guess you could say I'm straight, but I have a thing for t-girls ... but then again, labels are limiting ... so let's just say I'm human. :) Anyway, this person came over - she/he was VERY beautiful and I could tell they took GREAT personal care. He lives his life as a woman, so I'll just say "she" from now on. Back to the story: We both performed oral sex on each other, and I noticed she was quite "small". I tasted a bit of precum, but didn't swallow any (I've been worried well twice before, so I didn't want to "go there" again). Since I've never been penetrated anally, and this person's penis was rather small, I thought I'd give it a shot. I was considering it while sitting on her stomach and chatting with her (I was going to get a condom), and then reached around and rubbed her penis tip on my hole. I then quickly started moving back on her penis, and suddenly I felt it penetrate slightly. Since I've never been penetrated, it hurt, and I jumped off and ran to the bathroom. I quickly grabbed some toilet paper and checked for blood, but found none. ANyway, I'm not even sure HOW much of her penis penetrated me ... maybe just the head, and it was for about ONE second - there was no thrusting, etc. When I came back, I decided NOT to do anal, and we just finished with her sucking me. After, I chatted with her about my concern. She laughed and said she NEVER knew penetrated me (that's how brief it was - she really had no idea ... but I definitely felt it going in). SHe also said she is VERY cautious, and NEVER has unprotected sex. Furthermore, she said she tested negative in June (two months ago).

Sure enough, the next morning ... I began obsessing - doing the old calling hotlines, internet reading, etc. I decided to call the t-girl to ease my nerves. She had me meet her and showed me her test results ... sure enough - negative, and for STD's too. It was dated June 2nd, and she siad she had protected anal intercourse in April, and that her ONLY unprotected anal was with a boyfriend over a year back. needless to say, I was grateful and relieved.  The only thing she'd done since April was have oral sex - and not too often.

So ... about seven-eight days after exposure, I began getting these little oral ulcers under one of my teeth on my gums ... they're still there, and they hurt a bit. Sure enough, I saw that oral ulcers are one of the many signs of ARS. And now, I'm back to obsessing. I know it's time to take a look at why I put myself at risk, obsess, get scared, and then do it again ... but here I am.

I may as well admit, when I obsess ... I OBSESS. The little ulcers are still on my gums (under one of my bottom teeth) and I feel pretty darn achey all over ... but I've been feeling my nodes non-stop, etc.

Anyway, like I said, it's embarrassing to reveal.  Some hotlines have actually congratulated me for being "safe", saying that it was a great thing that right when I felt the penis go in me, I got off ASAP. In addition, they say there nothing to worry about - that since there was no ejaculation, and if there was precum, my sailva was on it, and it had been exposed to air, and then penetrated me for a second ... that well, that's not how HIV works. But well ... as you all know, there's so much information out there - much of it differering. 

I guess I'd like some feedback on my situation ... I'm confused, scared, ashamed ... and I feel like I have no where to turn.  Thanks for reading ...

RapidRod:
Get mental help with guilt because you didn't have risk for HIV and the symptoms don't mean a thing. So end your posting now because the answers aren't going to change.

j_friend:
Thanks Ron ... I guess my main concern is that the transexual's penis DID actually begin to penetrate me ... but it hurt, so I stopped immediately.  My obsession is that what if there was highly infected precum on the tip of the penis and it infected me when it very briefly penetrated.  I know ... it sounds obsessive.

RapidRod:
The answers aren't going to change. You didn't have a risk.

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