Noob here

[maddalfred]

I just wanted to post an intro of sorts, being a noob to this and other forums at POZ, planning on being around awhile.

Once again the pill only managed to get me to 4 a.m. which is good since it usually only gets me to around 3:30. I have gotten into the habit of just giving up and getting up since there will be no more sleep for me until tonight. I don't report to work until 7, so the interim gives me a chance to have coffee, watch the news and take my time showering and getting ready to leave.

As a few of you may already be aware from reading the few other posts I have made, the past few months have taken on an especially significant toll not only on my life, but on my self esteem and mental state. Having lost my mate of 16+ years come this February, I have mainly been operating in autopilot mode, struggling to find any meaning or reasons to continue to exist.

I can remember very few times in my almost fifty years when I have not felt the clouds of depression hovering if not directly overhead, at least always there, in the background, waiting to consume my life and thoughts over and again. The years my mate and I had together were probably the longest respite from the blackness on a daily basis, he gave me a reason to go on, a purpose for my life, a rock of stability in the sea of uncertainty and loneliness.

I imagine the horror stories I could share here would not be anything many others have not lived or experienced, from a totally wrecked childhood to a confused and terrifying young adulthood with periods of relief scattered here and there. I have seen so many shrinks and counselors over the years I have lost count, been committed to state hospital on a voluntary basis at one point only to learn that the people who were supposed to help me there were for the most part drug pushers and chair warmers.

I went the the familiar failed straight marriage (6 years of living hell)route early on in order to cure my gayness, another 12 in a relationship doomed from the start with the first man I thought I was in love with and finally met my mate, the only man that gave me the most joy and meaning I have ever had. We had our ups and downs, but for the most part, being and living with him made everything else seem bearable even as our relationship turned from lovers to brothers sharing the same space.

I was diagnosed this past May with HIV, T-cell count around 119, the rest of the numbers shrouded in fog and not remembered, documented on the paperwork I was handed by the attending doctor. Hep C was thrown in as good measure, remaining untreated for the time being.

Since my diagnosis I have been muddling my way through from one doctors appointment tot the next. New blood work result to be revealed this Friday at our next meeting. At least this time I plan to request copies of all the tests that have been done even if I have no idea what the letters and numbers mean.

I quit believing in "God" many years ago, karma seems a better concept to latch on to. The downside of that is trying to figure out what I have ever done that was so horrible to be afflicted and tortured as I feel. If this sounds like a call to a pity party, it is not. Just the facts as I see them. I hope to have finally found a place online where I can write how I feel without having someone else tell me how I SHOULD feel, or how wrong I am to feel the way I do.

I wish all who are regulars here and all who pass through nothing but the best and hope to be around for a while. I use the "handle" maddalfred, (long story) but my name is Rex.  If you stopped reading a long time back, I can't say as I blame you a bit.

[Moffie65]

Rex, I cannot even imagine loosing my partner, but have not hid those thoughts from my consiousness.  I think it is healthy to think about loosing a partner, simply because we all leave a some time, and thinking about what we will do in the meantime, I think can assuage some of the nightmare when it happens.  Only thing is, I can't go there because he is still very much alive.  Both of us are in our sixties, so death has become a guest in our home for the time being simply because of DNA.

I also cannot tell you how to feel, but I can tell you that most of us here are much more attentive to each others struggles, because we all live in paralell universes, living out pretty much the same challenges.  Please feel free to vent at any time and if you run up against a brick wall; turn on the forums and see what comes up. 

Love Ya Rex,
Tim.

[Texan38]

Hi Rex!

Don't you ever feel as if you can't or shouldn't post how you're feeling - you just do it! I guarantee you, others would feel the same way.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Glad to have you here! 

[leatherman]

Having lost my mate of 16+ years come this February, I have mainly been operating in autopilot mode, struggling to find any meaning or reasons to continue to exist.
...
I quit believing in "God" many years ago, karma seems a better concept to latch on to. The downside of that is trying to figure out what I have ever done that was so horrible to be afflicted and tortured as I feel ... I hope to have finally found a place online where I can write how I feel without having someone else tell me how I SHOULD feel, or how wrong I am to feel the way I do.

Hi Rex.  Sometimes this is one of the best places to "vent" about all this crap. Why? Because you're not the only one here with these problems, or these worries. I can't offer you a miracle cure for your woes; but I sure can listen, sympathize, and understand where you're coming from. Heaven knows, I've been just "muddling" through much of my life this year.

When Feb rolls around, I'll be thinking about how my partner of 8 yrs (and best friend for the last 20 yrs) went into the hospital last year for 58 days (where we found out he had AIDS and non-Hodgkins lymphoma), to come home for 9 days with Hospice, before passing away May 1st. Though it's going to be hard thinking back to the incidents of last March and April (the story is in my thread Spinning Wheels), May is the worse for me. Not only did I lose Jim the first of May; but 14 yrs ago on May 25th, I lost my first long-term (10 yrs) partner Randy, also because of this disease.

Looking back to how sick I've been (hospitalized twice between 97-99 with PCP and pnuemonia) and having lost TWO partners to AIDS, I've often thought back to my Baptist upbringing. Though I haven't totally given up my belief in God (I consider myself an agnostic now), I've wondered about karma too. But losing Jim this year stopped my belief in that concept too. Life is just life. Things happen that I have to deal with and none of them happen because of anything I did or didn't do. Oh I understand your feelings, and I wish I could find the "reason" behind why I have survived while losing not one partner, but two; but there aren't any reasons, it just is.

You said this in another thread:

How fucked up can I be to take any pleasure in knowing others suffer the same type of mental shit I do??

Actually, that's probably why quite of few members came to this site. You know the old saying, that misery loves company. LOL I came to this site because all my gay friends (from the 80s and 90s) had all passed away, and I felt like the onliest hiv+ gay man left on the planet. But here, I found people just as lonely as I was. I found people who had been dealing with HIV and OIs for as long as I have (some even longer!). I also found people who were still mourning the loss of a partner. Since losing Jim, I've even found out that I'm not the only one to have lost two partners. Can you believe, there are even some who have lost three partners?!?! (I don't know that I could bear that much grief  )

I also saw that you were just recently diagnosed and quite ill at that time. That's another thing you'll find around here - people who didn't find out their status until they were very sick. I think that makes it doubley tough - not only do you have to wrap your mind around what being HIV+ or having AIDS means; but you have to do it at a time when you're in bad health. The bad news for you is that it's going to take some time - time for the meds to work, time for your body to recover from the damage already done, and time to become adjusted to living with this disease. The good news is that it's not the early 90s anymore. The meds are much more effective with fewer side effects. And there's this site  , filled with people who understand (because they have been through similar situations) who can offer help, advice and support as you "muddle" your way along now. 

After having AIDS for 16 yrs (diagnosed the day after christmas in 1992), and coming up on my 47th bday (I spent my last bday driving back and forth through a blizzard, running from the hospital to the home, trying to care for Jim at one place and our cocker spaniels at the other), I don't have much advice except to say that it takes hard work and patience to change (or at least make better) some of the bad things in your life; and some things (like grief over a partner, and sometimes med side effects) just can't be changed; but must be endured.

I wish I had more words of comfort that could help you; but with the troubles in my own life this year, I don't have much comfort to give to anyone. But if it helps, I can at least say that I understand some of your grief and depression. 

{{{hugs}}}
mikie

[maddalfred]

Thank you to all who responded. I am sorry for the late thank you, but lately I have felt about as busy as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.

I hope everyone here has a wonderful Thanksgiving, Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

Take care and play safe.

Rex